What is Love? baby don't hurt me... :P

Yeah, it's a line from a song.

I feel like writing right now to analyze my love life. Or analyze love. Whatever. Basically I want to analyze what happened to me+Adrian, me+Sam, and me+Andrew. (Maybe I should throw in Caleb in there???)

My friend Selena and I were discussing on our PEI trip last year... At that point I was dating Adrian but I had a crush on Ronson. Surprise? Probably... I don't think I mentioned Ronson to any of you reading this. But anyways. Selena told me that I love Adrian, but I was not in love with him. It was obvious because whenever I was away from Toronto, I never missed Adrian. Well actually even when I was in Toronto I would not miss Adrian when we were not together.

Adrian was a really good friend. And he became more than that because we got into a romantic relationship together. Did I feel passion when we hugged and kissed? Yes. But was I in love with him? No.

It's kind of like what my sister said. Sometimes you love someone so much as a friend that you want to please them. And then you trick yourself into thinking that you are in love with them too. And of course, all humans especially girls long for affection, and then you confuse affection with being in love. I enjoyed the affection with Adrian, but was my heart really in love? No.

But I loved him. I loved him more than anyone else when I was with him. That was for sure.

But the love got combined with lust. That was the problem. Lust overtook me and I became someone I didn't like. Someone who became very impure and far away from God. And God didn't like it either. So God broke us up. Simple as that. Well, not really that simple actually...

It was a horrible heartbreak. The hardest thing about it was that I lost a friend, a part of myself, and had to leave my church. I was walking with a flesh wound open. But praise God, God healed me and brought me to Grace Chinese Gospel Church.

Whenever I think I am fully healed from this whole Adrian thing, I soon find out that I am not. I am healing more and more, but I don't think I am fully healed yet. I know this because this Friday I'll be seeing Adrian and I think I'm gonna cry. It's normal right? After all, I lost a part of me that could never be reversed with this guy.

Now that I think of it, it's pretty risky for me to start something with Andrew if I am not fully healed about Adrian. It's a good thing I'm not dating Andrew right now, just friends. Even though he knows I like him, but we're not dating or anything. Far from it, I think. He's still praying about it.

With me and Sam it was very confusing. I liked Andrew, Caleb, and Sam (in that order) in rapid succession after I broke up with Adrian. I told Sam I liked him and he liked me back. We had somewhat similar personalities and we thought it could work out. But I was totally not over Adrian yet, far from it, so I became super attached and my parents were super against me and Sam being together.

So did I really like Sam or was it just a rebound? I would say I really did like Sam. And that he was also a rebound. Selena told me that Sam looked like Adrian. Anyways to keep it short, Sam and I were not meant to be.

Recently though, even though I like Andrew, I feel myself sometimes yearning affection from Sam. He is around a lot. He goes to my lifegroup and he is a great friend. We hang out more often now. So that makes me question... Do I really like Andrew or am I just yearning affection from any nice guy out there?

I think I do yearn for affection. But I don't like Sam. I don't feel the same things I have for Andrew when I am with Sam. Sam is just a good friend. Maybe if things were different, if life was set on a different plan, then things could have worked out with me and Sam. We talk very well and serve very well together, after all. (but hey! He doesn't speak French!)

But with Andrew I know I do like him because over the past year he's been the one I always go back to. The one I cried over and prayed over more than any other guy. And I know that as I get to know him more and more, whether I am really in love with this guy will soon reveal itself and I will know for sure whether he is the right one for me or not.

Oh and Caleb? haha... yeah some of you thought I really liked him right? I think Caleb was just a phase. Because I thought that Andrew didn't like me and there was no hope with him, so I thought of being with Caleb instead. :P

Anyway, update you things later... I'll let you know how my meetup with Adrian goes this Friday.