Obsession, Longing, and Looking Forward...

I've become obsessed with this song. I sang it, I listened to it, at least 100 times by now (or nearing 100 times). I feel that it kind of describes how I feel about Adrian, in a way, even though not all the lyrics match the situation. But for sure, I still wish the best for Adrian.

I got a text from him this morning, actually. I had texted him first, asking him how he is, telling him that I am still thinking of him and praying for him. It's like an old chapter of my life is starting to close (the chapter with Adrian in it) and another chapter seems to be opening (Andrew).

Adrian gave me a vague idea about how his life is going, telling me that he's doing ok. That there are big changes ahead for him (what changes? I don't know), and that August will be a busy month for him. He also said that he still doesn't know how to talk to me (understandable)

Part of me wants to email him and update him on how I'm doing, what new things have been happening, tell him about how I'm going into Tyndale now and starting a new internship, stuff like that. I obviously wouldn't tell him about Andrew unless he was totally over me and won't ever think of being with me again though.

See, that's what's preventing me from emailing Adrian. I want him to completely get over me. If I email him, what's the use? It will just stir up old feelings when what he needs is to be healed.

Plus, I'm afraid for myself too. What if I start having feelings for Adrian again? I just started this "new journey" with Andrew and I'm like one week away from telling Andrew I love him. If I throw Adrian back into the mix, I'm going to be in a mess.

I've been trying to figure out what really went on between me and Adrian for a while now because I'm thinking what if Andrew asks me. Cuz what happened was that I started liking Andrew while I was still with Adrian. I met Andrew last year in June, and I broke up with Adrian in the following month,July.

Adrian told me over the phone after we broke up that he thinks that I never was in love with him, but that I just convinced myself that I was. Selena also said to me that I loved Adrian but I was not IN love with him. It was shown through how every time I went on missions or a trip away from Toronto, I never missed him, but he missed me like crazy.

When I first decided to go out with Adrian, I was longing for him because he had broken off our friendship. So maybe to save the friendship, I accepted to go out with him, convincing myself that I loved him more than a friend.

But then the question is, why did I sleep with him if I wasn't in love with him? Now that is digging into a deeper issue. Was it because of my lust? Was it because I wanted to please him? Probably both. And maybe I had convinced myself so much that I was in love with him that I decided it was okay.

But now back to Andrew. I don't know if he will think I am shallow or something, since while I was still with Adrian, I wasn't "loyal" to Adrian since i started liking Andrew before I broke up with him. You know, I did try to be loyal to Adrian, though. I kept on trying to push away my feelings for Andrew.

But after I broke up with Adrian, I became obsessed with Andrew. I also became just the kind of girl that throws herself at other guys. That's what happened with Sam, Caleb, Mike, and all the other guys I had a crush on after I broke up with Adrian.

But Andrew was the one that I always came back to. The one that I thought I had no hope of being with, so I kept on pushing the feelings away, the feelings that just ended up coming back anyways.

well, we'll see where this thing ends up I guess...

ONE MORE WEEK and I am going to tell Andrew!!!! (if all goes well!!!)

And here's a song that describes a bit of what I feel about Andrew...