Pouring my mind and heart out right now

Today I went to a ministry fair with workshops at Tyndale. It was really good. One of the speakers said that journaling is very important. I forgot why. But that's why i'm here again. To pour my heart and mind out even if it doesn't make much sense.

Well I'll start with the easy stuff first. The ministry fair was really informative. I got connected with an organization called SIM (Serving In Mission) that had missionaries serving in Montreal. So I want to contact them and see what they do there. One of the other speakers also mentioned that you should learn as much as you can about where you're going. So one of these days I plan to borrow some videos and books about Montreal and Quebec in general.

I also got reminded that one of my dreams is to go on missions to China and Africa. I still haven't reached that dream yet but I got some brochures from organizations that serve in those areas.

Okay now for the hard stuff. Andrew. You are all probably wondering what the heck happened with that. So there was a big misunderstanding between me and Andrew that resulted in me crying my head off yesterday and feeling totally drained and empty afterwards.

The misunderstanding was this: I texted him and asked him if he prayed about me and he said "I didn't pray about relationship". Which made me think that Andrew didn't care and didn't even pray about things like he said he would. At first I wasn't upset but on Saturday I burst. (the texting happened on Thursday)

So I cried and I told Andrew "thanks for making me cry" and "I'm missing my friend's wedding today" (by the way I didn't end up missing it, I tried to cheer up and I went to the wedding) Those texts were mainly to make Andrew know how much of an effect he had on me. And i emailed him saying "promise me this that next time you say you'll pray for a girl, you will actually pray for her or you would at least say sorry you forgot to pray"

He emailed me back later Saturday evening to say that he felt as if I was trying to get him to pray that God would change his heart and make him like me. He said he prayed about what God wants him to do about the situation and that he didn't feel God leading him into any relationship at the moment. And that he didn't know me well enough to even think about liking me.

Fair enough. Why didn't he tell me all this earlier? I just freakin wasted all that crying for practically nothing. Too late, Andrew, I'm already hurt and drained from the misunderstanding. I thought you didn't pray about anything at all. I thought you didn't care.

So I emailed Andrew back saying "no, that is so wrong. I didn't want you to pray to make yourself like me, I wanted you to pray to seek God's will"

Andrew also had said "I don't understand what you are waiting for, even after I told you God wasn't leading me into any relationship" Well Andrew, you didn't actually tell me that, you told me that "God didn't tell me anything" thats' why I was still waiting on you, you *******!!!!

Yeah. I censored that...cuz I actually thought a word but I don't want to say it out.

Anyways, I told Andrew that I needed some time away from him, before I talk to him again, to heal from this misunderstanding. It's true that maybe all along I was hoping that he would start liking me, but it's not true that I wanted him to pray that God would change his heart and like me.

This whole situation is pretty messed up right now. And I prayed to God asking Him what should I do. I had thought that God wanted me to wait for Andrew and clearly I was wrong. This whole misunderstanding tells me that I am not supposed to wait for Andrew. Part of me wants to stay friends with Andrew but right now I am not ready. I told him if he ever has prayer request he could still contact me, though.

I bet you anything he is still confused by me right now.

But it's ok. I will be ok.

But should I unblock Andrew? I feel so mean blocking him from everything right now. But on the other hand I kind of want to block him... Ah, so torn.

btw this video really inspired me and lifted me up when I was down yesterday. It just reminded me that God will take care of me just like he takes care of the animals...



You know what's gonna end up happening? I think I'm probably gonna still be waiting for Andrew to like me back, even though my mind says I shouldn't. I'm gonna always be waiting for him until I either find Matthew or he finds another girl. I don't give up this easily. I still want to wait for him. But it's ok I just won't tell him that I'm waiting for him.

Everyone keeps saying I'll find someone better than him. I guess my heart is just not ready to accept that as an answer yet.