I learned from the whole Adrian break-up that I shouldn't shove my feelings away and just carry on with work. Yet that is pretty much what I've been doing this weekend. I did cry it all out on Saturday, but today I feel like crying again but I am shoving it underneath because I want to do my work...
But I'm not gonna do that anymore. I'm just gonna write it all out here, no holding back. I'm gonna let myself cry. It's not really called dwelling on the past. It's called letting it out.
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Dear Andrew,
I know that in the perspective of eternity, it doesn't really matter whether we are together or not. I know that in this world there are people going through worse things than me, such as child prostitution, sicknesses, divorce, and all that horrible stuff. Yet I cannot deny the hurt I feel having to let you go.
I put all this hope that maybe you would be the one for me. I was brave enough to tell you my feelings. I waited. I prayed. I cried. All this energy and hope and it seems like it has ended now.
I can't help but want to keep holding on. Hold on to some dream that maybe one day you would love me back. But part of me is saying, "get real martine, you gotta let him go". Letting go is so hard. I wanted to get to know you and I had all this expectation.
I know I shouldn't have had any expectation, but I ended up having it anyway. I know that you won't even consider me because I've only seen you like 6 times in real life, yet at the same time I feel like I had poured my heart out to you and I received basically nothing in return.
I don't know how I can ever see you again without feeling disappointment. can I even call you my friend anymore? How can I be your friend? I don't think you even consider me as anything important. I'm just another girl. Right?
I don't know how i'm gonna get through all my homework when you are always on my mind. I want to just give it to God and forget about it but it's not really easy at all. I keep wanting to hold on. Why am I like this? Why can't I just move on?
You were like my "dream guy". I shared with you my life, my story, my deepest hurts. And just when I thought you were starting to open up to me, this happened. And now I've basically blocked you out of my life hoping that I will get over you.
I know it's mean, blocking you out of my life. I'm not sure if I need that though. I feel so insecure, feeling like what you think of me actually matters. I had tears to cry earlier, but right now they are not coming out. All I want to do is lie on my bed and cry and feel sorry for myself.
What kind of trouble did I cause for you? I made Lillian slap you. I made Cindy and Peggy think you are a jerk. All this due to a text message misunderstanding. But yet the misunderstanding opened up my eyes to see that really I was waiting for nothing. You will never love me back.
I want to just go on some vacation overseas right now with Thuy. It's what we said we would do if the person we wished for didn't end up to be the one for us. But when will I ever get to go on an overseas trip? So many responsibilities here and I don't know how I can leave. The most I can do is go to Montreal during Christmas break and visit my friends. But you're gonna be there too, so how am I going to handle that?
There is a lot of brokenness going on around me. People I should be taking care of. How do I take care of myself? I wish you were there to take care of me, Andrew. I wish you were the one to hold my hand.
The tears are finally starting to come. I'm going to write until they do. No wonder you close yourself up like you do. You are trying to guard your heart and protect your heart. How can I be so stupid? Why didn't I do what you did?
I pour myself out to people again and again. I share my deepest struggles and all my love to guys, thinking that I will marry them. And every time I get hurt. Every time they leave me. I'm never going to send you this letter. It really isn't your place to comfort me or read this.
The tears aren't coming anymore. I don't know how long this is going to take...
I miss you Andrew. I wish you knew how much I loved you. And I so wish that you had loved me back.
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Martine... reading your letter made me cry. I don't know exactly what you feel but I know you must feel so broken, lonely, and disappointed. Though I'm not in your situation, I know how that feels, because as a girl we've both been to that place before. And often when I think of some of the times I've given a guy my heart, I feel like you do too. And it hurts, hurts a lot, and sometimes it's hard for the world (and ourselves) to understand why the stupid guy matters so much anyways. You know why it matters? because we thought they were something special, but in the end, they weren't. They are just human... and sometimes, even more disappointing than a normal human. They are people who have the potential to hurt us because we care so much about what they think. I never liked Andrew but I don't want to rub that in. I just never liked him exactly for the reasons you stated, that he keeps so much in, that he doesn't let people know who he really is.
ReplyDeleteI hide a lot of what I feel and I do what Andrew does, guarding my heart... but in the end either way you get hurt. Even though you think I may be strong, oftentimes, I cry in my room at night too. I just am not as brave as you to tell everyone, because I don't want them to think I'm weak. But don't get me wrong, I think you are brave, and true, for feeling so deeply, and the forgiving so deeply as well. And I know you can eventually forgive Andrew with God's help.
I will be praying for you dear, and don't keep everything in. Do guard your heart from guys, because you don't know if they can always be trusted... but don't guard your heart from God... just give it all up to him.
It won't go away overnight, but believe me... He's always there to hold your hand...Jesus.
love
ying