Dear God,

I really want to talk to you but as I sit here there are almost no words that come out. I don't know where to start. I know you know everything but at the same time you want us to share our hearts with you. Why didn't I cry after grandma's passing? Am I shocked? Am I holding it all in? Or did I already cry enough before her passing that now it's like I don't need to cry anymore?

I think I'm dealing with it in a very strange way. I am sleeping way too much. All I want to do is sleep or be distracted with things. Also part of me wants to call Adrian and tell him everything. But the smart part of me is telling me no. Adrian did say I could call him if I ever wanted to talk, but I don't know if that's a good idea.

I really hope all my friends and family can go to heaven after they die.

God, forgive me for not talking with you or reading the bible much during all of last week. I guess I was kind of in shock. I know you want us to turn to you though, in difficult times especially. I did talk with you but only sporadically. It was my sister who was turning more to the Bible and my friend Gloria who encouraged me to read Scriptures for comfort. Why didn't I even think of that?

I know why I want to call Adrian. Because in the past he was there to comfort me and part of me wishes that he could do the same now. But I'm just afraid that if I call him it's not going to be as good as I think it will be.

I do have good support network with church and other friends. I'm thankful for that. I know Gloria found it strange that I wasn't sad or crying after what happened with Grandma. She actually cried for me, cried even more than I did. She says I'm strong but I'm not really sure about that. Sometimes it is the weak who are really the strong ones. And the strong ones who are actually weak.

I'm having trouble getting back in the groove of studying and doing research. I know Grandma would want me to study hard but... it's hard. But I'm gonna try to finish reading a book today. I'm going to do that, and get back in the groove of reading the Bible again. I can't stay in a rut forever. Grandma wouldn't want me to do that anyways.

Thanks for being patient with me God. Please comfort everybody in my family. Please comfort Yee ma, Uncle Bob, Angela, Jennifer, my mom, my dad, my sister, grandpa, biu yee ma, and anybody else who knew Grandma.

Thanks God

Love,
Martine