Dear Josh

(this may be super weird but I felt like writing here a letter that I will never send, to a friend that I never talk to anymore.  His name is Josh Chu.  I used to have a crush on him back in grade 7.  I just find it hard to talk to God right now so I decided to just pick this person.  You'll see why.)

Dear Josh Chu,

I can't believe I'm talking to you in my imagination at 5:22am.  I just finished watching the funny romantic comedy movie called "The Beast and the Beauty".  I was trying to find the Disney "Beauty and the Beast" movie on youtube but instead found this one.  So I watched the whole thing.  It was funny but I also was reminded of my desire for a husband.

Unfortunately, your sister got my hopes up and then Facebook broke them.  Let me explain.  I was at your sister's house yesterday for a sleepover.  I felt so happy because for once in my life I found someone who could understand my struggles because you know she struggles too.  For once I found someone who could understand why I never take other peoples advice, why I attach myself to a guy so easily, why I need constant guy attention, why i choose the wrong guys, why I crash into depression, all that stuff.

Your sister and I had some good talks and I just happened to mention that I had a crush on you in grade 7.  I don't know, maybe things would have been better or just "stayed under the carpet" if I didn't mention that to her.  She thought it was hilarious that I used to like you and she wanted to set us up.  I asked how you were in your personality, because I haven't really hung out with you for 12 years, ever since you guys left Etcbc.

She said you were very understanding, non judgmental, caring, very supportive of her, your sister.  She said you were mature, spiritually, too.  I thought wow, why can't I meet someone like that.  For a little while I had my hopes up, thinking maybe I could contact you and everything would fall into place and that you would be able to love me.  Plus you speak French.  I told myself, Martine, don't fall for this, it won't work, don't get your hopes up.  But it was too late.

Josh, my heart is broken right now.  If only we were still friends, even if you don't like me romantically at least I could talk to a guy who would understand my bipolar and not judge me.  Then I wouldn't have to text Christos nonstop.  I mean, Christos was the only guy in my life who stuck with me even with my bipolar.  That's why I love him, because even though he did many things to sadden me he also cheered me up after and gave me the attention and touch that I wanted.

Josh.  If only we were still friends.  I think because your sister went through similar things at least you would understand.  I can't tell your sister everything because your sister is going through a rougher time herself , I need to support her.  I can't make her worry about me.  If only you could talk to me right now.

Is it really the medication that fixes all my emotions, or are these emotions really what need to be expressed?  Just one day of no medication and then all the emotions come out.  What do normal people feel?  If the same things happened to a person without bipolar, would they cry as much as me?  Would they chase after guys like me?

Josh, the reason why I am crying so much is because I can't get rid of this desire to want to have a husband.  Josh, for a second I had my hopes up thinking that it could possibly work between us, I mean, Golda said you didn't have any girlfriend before and wouldn't judge me for not being a virgin.

But silly me I looked through your pictures on facebook and saw you in a picture with a girl.  It looked like you were celebrating a birthday alone with her on a beach.  That's what it seemed.  And it seemed she gave you cups as a gift.  I remember my friend Heaven from UTSC told me that when her boyfriend gave her cups it signified in the Chinese tradition that you will stay together forever.

Damn.  That just sunk my heart.  I can't believe even though you didn't even talk to me I was entranced by what Golda said and basically fell for you even though I just only talked to you for 30 seconds last December.  And all those 12 years I didn't talk to you, except for those two times I went to your fellowship.

I guess that's all I have to say.  You're not going to read this so really it was just for me to somehow feel better.  But I don't know when this crying will end.  God bless my soul.