Realizations

I don't often blog twice in a day, but after fellowship at church I felt I need some time to think about certain things... We had some very interesting questions asked during our "speed-fellowshipping" game (as opposed to speed dating, we were getting to know each other as brothers and sisters, and an alarm would sound and we would switch partners).

Like for example, what do you wish you had more time for? And for me it was to spend more time with God. Also, there was the question "what is your best quality" and I really didn't know, so Yvonne answered it for me and said that I was welcoming, cuz a lot of new people at church say that the first person they met at ETCBC was me. I guess I should use my gift more often.

One question was asked when me and my sister were partners. It was about what you do when you have strong emotions. And for me over the past few years, it has been worse and worse, getting angry, irritated, grumpy, and screaming a lot more... I really don't know how to control myself better. My sister says she would rant to her best friend and listen to classical music. For me, I hate classical music and my best friend isn't always there when I'm mad, but I really need some kind of system to deal with it. I think if I got an iPod (Adrian says he will give me his) and put a lot of music I liked in it, like Christian music, or inspirational music, I could plug it in my ears a lot faster and prevent myself from bursting or lashing out...

And I really need to learn how to count to ten when I'm angry. I should count it out loud and go to my room when I do so, cuz then I could avoid being angry AT someone and instead count it out until I cool down.

Today I got annoyed and said grumpy stuff even to Adrian... He is so nice that he wouldn't be mad at it, he's so patient and caring. I think these things make me angry: people trying to control my life or tell me to do a certain thing when I already said I could not or want to do it some other way, people criticizing me in a mean way, and losing things, especially money. Miscommunication also gets me frustrated. Too many things to do and people saying that I have too many things to do also gets me angry. Ugh, that is a lot of things. Oh, and people treating me like a baby.

And there were questions like "what would you want to do but never did?" And I wanna take more dance lessons... I think it would make me happier actually and feel less stressed because I would relieve all my tension through dance. It's just that I don't have the right scheduling for dance lessons. :S And I would wanna travel more.

Ugh, I wish all my problems were over. To be honest, I wish tomorrow I could just spend time dancing. That's all I want to do. I haven't exercised in ages. I wish I could play tennis but no one is available to play with me. Maybe this is why Daniela and Sabrina are so happy and joyful everytime I see them... They are sports girls.

I wish I didn't have to take medicine anymore. Honestly, I don't think my depression will ever end, it has already gone over the limit... It's like once you pass a certain amount of depression, you will waver back and forth, you cannot ever go back to what you were like before, because it's like a nerve or something broke and the neurotransmitters will never be enough to sustain a consistent happy feeling. That's why Adrian constantly asks me if I'm okay, because I would zone out and have a "worried look on my face" or look like something is wrong, even during a happy day.

All I really want is to be happy. But maybe that's just what I have to endure. Life is painful, there is nothing I can really do about it. There is a price to everything... I chose to love the unloveable and I lost my sanity in the process. I chose to carry the cross and with it comes persecution. I chose to carry burdens and thus I have to sweat it out.

Right now I feel like crying actually, and I'm not sure even why. I guess I wish my life was happy-go-lucky and that I didn't have to go through all this. It's not like I want to be angry, it's not like I purposely lash out at my family. In fact, after I do that, every time I feel guilty, like I didn't live up to what I was called for.

And every time people mention sexual sin, I can't help but think of myself, how I have had lustful thoughts and not enough self-control... And I sometimes feel like I am living a lie, a double life, a life that Jesus would not be pleased with. I don't know why God would still love me and forgive such a whore like me. I don't know why He still chooses to use me and spread his Word through me, because I am so so unworthy.

Lord, I am unworthy to be called Your daughter. Please take me as a servant instead. I have sinned against heaven and against You... So many times I have left You waiting for me, when I went off and did my own thing, and had dates with Satan. God, it's true, I have changed and I have become a horrible person...

Jesus, take my life, take all of me...