That guilty feeling...

Have you ever felt guilty for not spending more time with family members? I feel that way right now. I'm an outgoing person. I like to travel, learn, hang out with friends, talk with friends online or on the phone, reach out, help others, and comfort people. But as my grandparents get older and I get busier, I start to feel this terrible feeling inside me, saying that one day, I will regret not spending more time with them.

Already my family is saying that I spend way too much time working on the computer, and yes, it is working, not playing. That I spend way too much free time on the phone, and that I spend too much time with friends/Adrian.

I feel so bad right now, I just don't feel like talking anymore. I did spend time over dinner with family yesterday, but it's hard to reach out the way they want. I watched a Hannah Montana episode and spent time with my sister, but it's harder with my parents. And it's harder still because when my grandparents were over, something would piss me off and I would have a bad attitude around my grandparents even though I didn't yell at them but they could notice that I didn't smile at them. What the heck!

My someone, who is an atheist, even said, "Mission starts at home" or "You want to feed the world, start by making breakfast" or something. You don't know how guilty and angry that phrase makes me feel. It makes no sense to me either. Although on one hand, you can't hate your family and not share the gospel with them, there is still something called time. It usually takes a lot more time for family to see God's work in you because they knew you for so long and they think you're just being a b******.

And although I don't do a lot of chores, you can't say that just because I only help with a few things at home means I should neglect the world and only do more things at home first. I can't do it anyway, because someone won't let me! And my specialty is talking about things, if I can't talk about things with my family, how do you expect me to reach out to them in the first place? And what if God did call me somewhere? I can't obey parents over God.

:'( Everything is really frustrating. I run on a different clock than my family. I need to do things at my own pace. I want time to cry, time to talk properly, time to finish what I am currently doing before doing what they command me to do. I know Timmy won't agree with me on this, but his family sure is different. And I have different feelings and different situations that he doesn't understand. And don't worry I am not gossiping because you don't know which Timmy I am talking about or even if Timmy is a fake name.

I'm gonna try my best, ok? Dangit! I always want to try my best, and I end up screwing myself over! I just wanted to make someone happy ok? I just wanted to make everybody happy. And I end up crying, not being able to let you know how I feel because I just made you happy and I don't want to make you sad again because of me.

God, please help these family members and friends of mine. Please take care of them. And please God, I don't mean to be selfish, but... please take care of me too. Thanks.