Dear God...

I'm so tired today, I could die. I fell asleep in Fantasy class for a bit, and in Psych class I was totally zoning out most of the time. It's like a physical tiredness at the same time as an emotional drained type of tiredness. I kept praying and praying for strength and I know I can make it through, but I feel like God I am clinging on to you by a thread.

The feelings I get of wanting to die are not very strong but they are very frequent today. I tried my best to eat well and take deep breaths to relax, but the fact that my back and left leg/foot/knee are hurting is also not helping. The Bible verse you gave me today God was really good. I will wait for You, I will be strong as I am weak, and I will take heart and follow You.

I can't wait till I can go to Something Fun tonight at Steph's house and just like stretch out all my muscles on her carpet (if she has one) and crash on her couch, cuz I know she'll understand. I wish I had someone's physical shoulder to lean on right now, God, I'm just really realy drained.

And I know metaphorically I do have lots of friends to lean on. But like I was afraid to lean on Walter's shoulder today cuz he is a guy and u know, lately ive been having so many guy problems that who knows I might end up liking him again or whatever. I already started to feel symptoms of bouncebacks or rebounds after this whole Sam thing but I'm trying my best to dismiss everything and just focus on what I gotta do.

Midterm next Monday is worth 50%. I haven't really studied that much for that course. Sigh, I need to cram again and it's not going to be fun. I have to work really hard this week. Really, really hard.

Jesus, all this crap happened during midterms. I want to ask why but there really isn't an answer so asking won't really help. I just wish it was November already, or that it was Christmas and I could go to Cuba/Dominican Republic and just get all this heavy baggage out by swimming with dolphins or bathing in the sun with girl friends. And not worry about guys or what they think of me. Not worry about decisions or cry at night or whatever.

Yesterday God I was looking at the moon and was thinking of that David Archuleta song. I was wondering if Sam would be looking at the moon and whether he would be thinking of me at that moment. For a few minutes as I was looking at the moon I felt connected to Sam again and you know I just really missed him.

I don't regret my decision because God it was You who told me to do it, but at the same time if only we could have spent more friendship time together, it would have been good. That's what I regret I guess, I mean if in August I made more efforts to meet up with Sam more, we could have gotten to know each other better as friends and not have to worry about relationship crap that always makes me so nervous.

I really wish I could get a massage, seriously... my backpack is so heavy and stretching it out during class isn't helping. I also wish I could sleep better, and not be thinking about so much stuff at night... If only there was an easier way to get over a person.