UGH NOOOO

Ugh no today is again one of those days where im off and on so tired or stressed that I want to die/collapse. Dont worry im not gonna die. Just want to sleep it all out. It's so stressful because I sent Sam an email saying that if we could meet up to talk it would be good to clear up misunderstanding and Tom still has my stack of letters and I don't know whether or not Sam said anything to me. Kevin says he's being a child and I am just wanting to not care anymore but I end up caring too much anyway. I don't know what love is anymore... and after talking to Pastor Fiona I realize how much I obsess and attach myself to boys. It's not healthy at all. I pour my heart out when they are not even ready to receive it. And I mess myself up as a result. :(

Kevin says I should take care of myself more. Sigh. Yeah I should. And Pastor Fiona says I should have more fun in life, and actually LIVE. Not just volunteer, work, and do school like some hardworking person who doesn't have a life. AHHHH

I sometimes wish that I could take a big break. But mom doesnt want me to go anywhere this Christmas break. It's just going to be torture at home. Mental torture because whenever I stay at home too long, my mom and I clash heads. I really want to go to Montreal.

Today I cried a bit at my library job. I just felt so morbid, just so stressed and tired. And I just thought maybe Sam didn't care anymore. I thought about if I died today what would happen or what would be my last wish that's how morbid it became. I was thinking my last wish would be to go to Montreal and tell everyone that Jesus loves them, whether it is politically correct or not. I jsut dont want my friends to go to hell.

And also my last wish would be to see Sam again and hope he will understand. Damn why do I love him so much anyway? I only spent less than 2 months with him if you really think about it. Damn!

Anyway, I can't wait to just sleep it off tonight.