Feeling a bit better

Today is a sunny day. That helps. And I took 2 Vitamin D pills to combat depression, as well as 3 iron pills to combat tiredness/wantingtodie. Seriously, that's how important your vitamins are. I can't wait till my period is over... it's been going on for three weeks now.

I miss Sam a lot. I think that it is such a loss. We could have been great friends but basically our taking things too seriously in terms of romantic relationship ruined it. And especially on my part, my expectations ruined the friendship. For Sam, he was doing pretty alright but because of my expectations I had to tell him to stop waiting and I let him down. Well it's not just because of expectations... it's also God telling me... but it didn't have to be so dramatic if we were only friends and nothing more just to begin with.

I'm so tired of work and life. I just want to sleep all day, sing, dance, listen to music, and do nothing. I don't want to do essays, although I'm pressured to keep up my mark to get scholarships. Yeah. Weird, Martine used to be so driven to work... now she's a work avoider.

I think that this year, I'm sort of dreading Christmas because it's when I'll possibly see Sam back at church. What if I changed my hair and look so much that he wouldn't recognize me? And I could hide from him? Cuz honestly, if we can't be friends, it's gonna be weird and hard to see him again. I'm just saying, im not gonna become a goth or anything, although... I did think of that too. Ashlee Simpson style... ish.

I already cut my hair. Doesn't look too different, but it looks better now I think cuz it's less messy and tangly. I'm very proud of myself, finally figuring out how to cut my own hair in a layered way without taking up 2 hours. I took barely half an hour to do it... I think... It felt quick.

I keep thinking that if I ever get a face painting I would like a raindrop on my right cheek. Random thoughts, yes I know. And that if I ever try to put on makeup it would be black liquid eyeliner. And I'd have long dangly earrings.

My health, my mom's health too, is screwed over because of busyness. Money is such a big issue. But health is a bigger issue I guess. During Christmas break I'm going to help my mom with chores because she keeps doing all of it by herself and stressing herself out with taking care of grandparents. Im not going to Montreal this Christmas. It's too bad. At least doing chores is better than getting yelled at or nagged at. Maybe I'll even make friends with the snow.

Sometimes I feel like I am so melodramatic and pathetic. Or ditzy. But that's just how I express myself and I hope people will accept me for who I am.