Happy memories or Fantasy world???

Today and yesterday I had a lot of good memories of Sam and sometimes when I felt reminded of him I felt like we could still be connected somehow, through the things we love to do and the person that he is. I felt that even if we couldn't talk, he is still there with me in a way, like as if his spirit was still a part of me. But... if you really think about it, usually it's after a funeral that you think like this. You say that the person is still alive and still there with you, even though they are not. So am I living in a fantasy world, where Sam can still be with me but he really isn't?

I find myself questioning that day when I supposedly heard God's voice tell me, "He is not the one for you". I question whether it was a bipolar voice speaking, or my emotional paranoid voice speaking. And I say to myself, if God maybe only wanted me to believe that he was not the one just so that I could be free, but then it was just like a white lie or something... but then again, God doesn't tell lies, does He?

Or what if God could change His mind? In the Bible, when someone prayed really hard, sometimes God would change His mind, or at least, it seems like He did. So could God change His mind about me and Sam if I pray hard enough? I don't know.

Thuy hit it right on the dot when she said that I am still struggling with why God would say that Sam is not the one. I still don't know why. That's exactly how I feel. I mean, I assumed it was because we were going on different paths in the future. And also that I was holding on to Sam more than I did to God...

But when I think about it sometimes I think that our paths could have still been the same. And if I could have only changed my mindset and expectations, maybe I would hold on to God more tightly and not put all on Sam, then would it be healthier and thus it could work out?

Kevin said that that voice could have been anything. And Gloria said that love is a choice, there is no such thing as "the one". So what's the right way to think? What's the right way to feel? There is no firm answer. Everyone says something different.

In the end, I just said to God, "God, may Your will be done" Whatever that is. Because His plan is perfect. And I'm not gonna email Sam anymore. It's just not working out and no sense bothering him if he's not ready to respond.

It's just that if love is really a choice, does that mean anything for me and Sam? Does that mean that the voice who said "He is not the one for you" was my voice after all? And not God's?

I must be overthinking... take it easy. Step by step. Breathe... and don't take it too seriously, that's my problem, I take everything so seriously... I need to learn to take it easy and chillax... and fix my eyes on the Lord... peace...