Letter to myself

Dear Martine,

You're in a lot of pain.  You're just denying it.  You are trying to cover the pain by being busy, going everywhere, helping others, spending time with friends, but you are not addressing the real issue here.  You are sad.  You miss Alana and you regret not seeing her before she left for her heavenly home.  You also regret not seeing Mr. Kumar at the hospital, because you thought he would get better but he ended up in a fatal coma.

You are lonely.  Once again, you feel like as a leader you need to be strong for others, and you are reaching out to others but not getting the comfort you need from friends.  You text people, asking for prayers, you write vague comments on facebook that hints at your pain, but no one notices.  Only a few do, actually, and even then they are not too sure how to help you because you are hiding your pain, you don't know how to express it so that they can help.

You regret not being there at 4 of your friends' funerals this year.  One after the other, you feel like someone else is going to die soon and who is next?  You want to spend time with your family because they might die soon too, who knows.  But once again work gets in the way and you skipped out on the family trip yesterday and today.

Last Friday you hung onto Christos for comfort once again.  It seemed like he was the only one who texted back saying at least something about the loss of your friends.  Thuy cheered you up on Thursday and the Chester Le event cheered you up on Saturday, but Sunday the pain returned.

You need to cry.  Don't hold it in.  You need to grieve.

I think you're scared to grieve because you feel like you need to be strong and be there for everybody.  It's ok to be weak.  It's OK to feel sad.  Don't try to go for quick fixes again by going to guys.  It's only going to leave you more empty.

You made the right decision to quit the Tyndale student council.  You need time off.

Stop eating junk food to numb the pain.  You are just going to make yourself unhealthy.  Remember how Jesus dealt with his pain? He wept and he prayed.

So please Martine, don't be afraid to cry it out, as much as you want.  Pray to God and tell Him honestly how you feel.