Letters

Tonight I feel like writing some letters.  The first one is to you, the reader.  The second one is to Christos, the man I somehow love even after so much hurt has been caused by me loving him.  The third one is to Jesus.

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Dear Reader and Friend,

Thanks for being there for me when I needed it.  I know you are thinking of me and you care for me.  As I write this, tears come to my eyes, I'm not even sure why.  Maybe because without you, my most trusted friends whom I can share my deepest darkest secrets with, I would feel very alone.  I would feel like crap, basically.

Some of you have known me for a long time, some of you shorter.  But all of you mean a lot to me.  And there is a reason why I trust you enough to let you read my blog.  You have shown yourselves to be true friends.  And I want to encourage you too.

I know sometimes this blog may worry you, you may feel the sadness that is in me, so I thank you for bearing with me.  Sometimes I feel like my blog posts don't really tell you everything, but you get a piece of it, at least.

Sometimes I do worry about whether I should even say something on my blog.  I know you won't judge me, but maybe you would judge Christianity?  Especially those of you who aren't Christian, I feel like my blog will talk about things that non-Christians won't understand, and you may even feel repulsed by what I say or disagree strongly.  You are entitled to your own opinion, and thanks for allowing me to share my view with you.  Sometimes I don't explain my faith and my God well at all.  And Christians can be extremely imperfect people.  I mean, just look at me.

It's like playing a saxophone.  Unless you have learned to play the saxophone, you wouldn't really understand the joy of playing saxophone with great skill.  Similar thing with knowing Jesus.  I enjoy Jesus a lot and I hear his voice from time to time.  You wouldn't know what it feels like unless you really knew Him.  I am not saying that I am more skilled than you, I am just using the saxophone playing as an example.  I really hope you can enjoy this one day, knowing Jesus so deeply that you feel like you are dancing with Him, you hear His voice speaking and comforting you, and knowing for sure that He is alive and real in your heart even though most people just think of him as a historical person who lived 2000 years ago.

Anyway, back to what I was originally saying.  Thanks for being there.  You mean a lot to me.  I see you as my equal, my family, my friends.  You are all wonderful people.

Your friend, Martine

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Christos,

I know that you won't be able to read this unless you really cared so much that you decided to hack into it and find this.  This letter was really meant for me to try to express my feelings. 

I'm sorry I had to block you again from facebook and my blog, and not answering your texts without any explanation of why I did that (again).  I just felt that if I explained, you wouldn't understand and would try to convince me that it's OK to keep in contact and be attached to you.

I see the good in you, I really do.  I care about you so much.  These last few days have not been easy for me, thought about you every day, thought about whether I should just text you back, because I missed you and wanted to be your friend.

What you don't understand is... well, you really won't understand and will probably take it the wrong way... the space that you occupy in my heart is supposed to be Jesus' spot and Jesus wants it back.  Being so attached to you is unhealthy to my spiritual health.  I am torn because I really do want to be your friend and have you come to lifegroup but on the other hand I haven't healed from our breakup and I haven't fallen in love with Jesus and stayed in love with Jesus.  I was basically cheating on Jesus by being with you.

I have forgiven you for the things you have done to hurt me so I don't blame you for anything.  I blame it all on myself.  I lack self control and lack wisdom, that is how I got myself in this mess in the first place and I beat myself up for not putting up boundaries since day one.  If I had guarded my heart and not started a relationship with you back in February none of this would have happened.

I told you the truth when I said I never loved a man so much.  Oh no I'm tearing up again.  I really wish I could just tell you and that you would understand but you won't, the moment I text you back it's going to start the cycle all over again, me being attached to you and holding on to the little comfort that I have in you rather than the greater comfort that Jesus is trying to offer me.

And you would be mad that I brought up Jesus and you would be mad that I'm somehow choosing God over you, you would be.

I know you care about me, I know you do.  That's why it hurts to ignore you like this.  I wish I could just hug you and we would just all be OK.  But life doesn't work like that.

I'm praying for you, you know that means I care about you.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye for now, Christos... I'll let you know when I have fully healed and when Jesus is back in His spot and when He says I can talk to you again.

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Dear Jesus,

Thank you for the beautiful day I got to spend with Josh, Karl, and others at the CNE today.  It was the last official day of summer for most people and it was so fun, I forgot about all my pain and struggles, at least for about 10 hours.  I really felt like you were making sure I was okay, because when it was pouring rain I just happened to be under an overhang, and right when I was walking out of the overhang the rain lessened so much that it wasn't even bad.

I got to see the Superdogs show which I really liked, and also an acrobatics show.  I really liked the black and white dog that liked to bite on the rope.  That one was really cute.

Dear Jesus, I am sorry for being unfaithful to you in the past.  I want to love you more from now on and listen to you very carefully.  Not just hear, but also listen, as in obey.  I know you want the best for me so I want to ask you to help me live my life in a way that is healthy and good.

Please help me heal from my past pain.  There was so much deep pain that my counselor and I talked about.  Just knowing about the sources of pain doesn't really help. I need You to actually heal me and I need to be willing to be healed.  I heard the healing process can be painful and slow.

Thanks for giving Cymone the words to encourage me.  She really knows how to listen to your voice.  She said that when she prayed for me she saw a picture of me walking with her through the process of healing.

I have many things to talk with you about and I know you will listen.  Please help me to listen to you too.  I love you Jesus

Yours, Martine