God uses our pain for good

I can't sleep tonight, but I don't mind.  I have been just praying and thinking back on my life, and thinking about my teens (yes, I call them MY teens because I love them so much) at Charis church.  I cried too, for several reasons but none of the reasons are because I am sad.  Let me explain.

Tonight one of my teens told me her grandpa has only a few days to live, according to what the doctor said.  As I listened to her, my eyes started welling up but I tried not to cry in front of her.  I just felt what she felt because when I was around her age, in grade 9, my grandpa passed away.  For her it's even harder because right now her grandpa is not Christian yet and she is afraid about him not being able to go to heaven.  I told her I would pray for him and that I would go with them to visit him tomorrow and pray for him.

As I thought about tomorrow's visit, what I would say to the hurting family, what would I say if I had the chance to talk to the dying grandpa, I realized that God prepared me for this way beforehand.  In the past, when I was in high school, I was upset because I never had the chance to go to church youth fellowship every Friday.  My parents didn't allow me and instead told me to go to Mandarin school every Friday.  I felt left out of the church fellowship because everyone would be bonding and having fun on Friday night while I was in Mandarin school.

But now I know that God was trying to train me for this moment.  If I couldn't speak Mandarin, I would not be able to talk to the teen's dying grandpa.  I realize that my pain in the past of losing my own grandpa in grade nine and also my so called "pain" of being left out of the church fellowship was actually so that I could help this family who is suffering.

Similar thing with my bipolar disorder.  After a while, my symptoms weren't that bad.  Sometimes I want to ask, God why would you allow mental illness to happen to people?  Especially one friend I visited today, she tried to kill herself a few times already.  I know the answer.  It doesn't really have to do with God, it has to do with the fact that this world is broken, people are stressed and/or inherit mental illnesses.  But God gave me a "taste" of bipolar disorder and helped me recover because He wanted me to be able to help others with mental illnesses.  So far, I have met countless friends with mental illnesses.  At the very least I know how it feels to be confused in a hospital, to believe things that are ridiculous and illogical, to feel like I want to die, to feel like no one understands.  I know God helped me through my bipolar disorder so that I can in turn help others whom He has placed on my path.  I pray for them.

I am not trying to boast or anything.  I am just saying that God has a plan.  When we go through pain, we may not understand at first why this is happening.  But later you will understand, and you can thank God for putting you through that pain because later it will turn out for good.

I totally surrender my life to Jesus now.  He is my only lover and closest friend.  As I was praying I asked Jesus to fill the hole in my heart.  The hole that was created 10 years ago when I broke up with my first boyfriend. The hole that was never properly healed or filled.  I now know that Jesus was being patient with me.  He was waiting for me to come to Him with all my pain and let Him embrace me.

Now I'm listening to Backstreet Boys with a totally different perspective... Jesus is the one for me.  Even if a guy asks me out right now, no thank you.  I want to enjoy Jesus and be fully devoted to Him, and only when He tells me it is the right time, for sure, I can start dating again.  But I am in no rush.  The past week when I spent every meal reading His Word (Bible) and praying, I have never been more satisfied with life.

Try this!  Listen to the song below while imagining the Chorus being sung by Jesus! it fits His personality and how He loves us.