Hello everyone.
This is the last post of this blog. It's a new year (2015) and I am starting a new blog.
I feel that this blog was full of crazy boy drama and I no longer feel comfortable posting here. I feel that the old me is gone and the new me has come.
The new blog will be purely talking about what I learn from the Bible and from God.
For personal stories and updates, please talk to me in person :D hahaha although I'm sure the Bible will speak to me personally too so there will be some personal sharing on the new blog too.
The new blog is www.martinesjourney.blogspot.ca
God bless you and Happy New Year!
:D
Your sis, Martine
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
Montreal trip and the aftermath
Right before my Montreal trip, I lost my phone. Turns out it was at the bubble tea shop where me and Chris met up. I must have been kind of nervous meeting Chris after so long. So much so that I forgot to check my seat for my belongings when I left the bubble tea shop. Well at least the bubble tea shop found it, and I got my phone back last Saturday when I met up with Chris again (he helped me find it at the bubble tea shop).
I don't have any feelings for Chris anymore, but for some reason I still thought (not did, just thought) about holding his hand or arm for a few seconds. Maybe it's just cuz I was used to it back then. And he is still so nice to me, insisting that he pay for my bubble tea and drive me all the way back home even though it's not convenient for him. I don't know. But we established we are just friends.
The Montreal trip was overall pretty good. It was my first time traveling alone. I mean, all the other times I stayed with someone I knew or traveled with someone I knew. This is the first time I traveled alone and stayed at the hostel not knowing anyone there. It's my 9th time in Montreal so it's kind of OK I guess.
I met David from OK Cupid for the first time. I call him my brother. On the Tuesday right before meeting me, a car crashed into him while he was on his bike. So he was scraped up and upset when I saw him for the first time. But other than that. we hung out and had food, walked around, visited bars, visited Schwartz and had smoked meat, went up and down Mont Royal, walked around and looked at rich houses... it was good.
I also met Alex from OK Cupid for the first time. I was more nervous meeting him than meeting David, cuz I talked with David a lot over Skype beforehand and David likes another girl and is atheist so I know I wouldn't date him. But with Alex I guess I felt maybe there was a possibility that he could be a potential boyfriend. He seemed like he really cared about me, and he also used the Bible and prayer to encourage me.
Alex and I had poutine and walked around town together. However, I still had my doubts because of some things that he said. Now I'm even more worried about something else, which I will explain later.
I didn't just go to Montreal to meet with OK Cupid people, they were more like "extra". I went to Montreal because I missed Montreal. I wanted to be in that city again. Emilie and Roodens were available too, so I met up with them as well.
With Emilie I went to Laval's big mall, and it was nice to catch up with her. I would say that in the city of Montreal, she is my best friend. We are not that close, but whenever I visit Montreal I try to visit her, and whenever she is in Toronto she tries to visit me. We share together and pray together.
With Roodens, I was so happy that he could read the Bible verses I gave him. He says he carries them in his bag everywhere every day. He introduced me to his friend Durano, 17 years old, who is also an orphan and a Jehovah's Witness. Unfortunately, after I added Durano on facebook, he started saying weird stuff that showed that he liked me romantically or at least was trying to flirt with me. So I told him no. Then he got mad. I told Roodens to take care of him. Hey, all I was trying to do was be his friend! I didn't know a 17 year old guy could like a 26 year old woman!
Anyway I didn't think I liked Alex that much but somehow he was so caring and texted me a lot, and I started liking him more and more. What made it worse was my parents and sister stalked him on facebook and my mom said encouraging things like how she hopes it will work out, and she thinks by looking at his face that he looks honest... (I'm not all for judging people based on their face, but both my sister and my mom have always judged people by their face and seeing how I've dated a lot of bad people, I rather trust them than myself)
Well at the same time, though, my mom wanted to be careful so she said I should make sure his church is not a cult. Slowly as I started to research I started to panic. I asked Alex about his beliefs and he didn't articulate it very well and it sounded skewed. So now I have to ask him more questions to clarify, because some of the things he said sounded totally different from Christianity. It could just be that he doesn't know how to explain it. But I don't know. Cuz it's not just the way he said it, it's also he follows a preacher, Titus Chu, and that preacher when I look him up, he is associated with this group of false teachers who don't believe in the Holy Trinity.
I don't know, I could be panicking for nothing, but I guess I'm just worried I'll have to deal with letting another good guy go, and it's because as a pastor I need a future husband who has the same beliefs as me, and someone who is strong in faith. I talked to Andrew Chao about this, and Andrew thinks that Alex is not right for me. Not only does he not know how to explain his beliefs, but he also has low self control (he admitted it himself). And those two things are a problem for me.
That is why my head is spinning lately and I've been more stressed. I really want to get down to the bottom of this. Is his church a cult or not, and is he right for me or not?
OK I'm too tired to type anymore...
I don't have any feelings for Chris anymore, but for some reason I still thought (not did, just thought) about holding his hand or arm for a few seconds. Maybe it's just cuz I was used to it back then. And he is still so nice to me, insisting that he pay for my bubble tea and drive me all the way back home even though it's not convenient for him. I don't know. But we established we are just friends.
The Montreal trip was overall pretty good. It was my first time traveling alone. I mean, all the other times I stayed with someone I knew or traveled with someone I knew. This is the first time I traveled alone and stayed at the hostel not knowing anyone there. It's my 9th time in Montreal so it's kind of OK I guess.
I met David from OK Cupid for the first time. I call him my brother. On the Tuesday right before meeting me, a car crashed into him while he was on his bike. So he was scraped up and upset when I saw him for the first time. But other than that. we hung out and had food, walked around, visited bars, visited Schwartz and had smoked meat, went up and down Mont Royal, walked around and looked at rich houses... it was good.
I also met Alex from OK Cupid for the first time. I was more nervous meeting him than meeting David, cuz I talked with David a lot over Skype beforehand and David likes another girl and is atheist so I know I wouldn't date him. But with Alex I guess I felt maybe there was a possibility that he could be a potential boyfriend. He seemed like he really cared about me, and he also used the Bible and prayer to encourage me.
Alex and I had poutine and walked around town together. However, I still had my doubts because of some things that he said. Now I'm even more worried about something else, which I will explain later.
I didn't just go to Montreal to meet with OK Cupid people, they were more like "extra". I went to Montreal because I missed Montreal. I wanted to be in that city again. Emilie and Roodens were available too, so I met up with them as well.
With Emilie I went to Laval's big mall, and it was nice to catch up with her. I would say that in the city of Montreal, she is my best friend. We are not that close, but whenever I visit Montreal I try to visit her, and whenever she is in Toronto she tries to visit me. We share together and pray together.
With Roodens, I was so happy that he could read the Bible verses I gave him. He says he carries them in his bag everywhere every day. He introduced me to his friend Durano, 17 years old, who is also an orphan and a Jehovah's Witness. Unfortunately, after I added Durano on facebook, he started saying weird stuff that showed that he liked me romantically or at least was trying to flirt with me. So I told him no. Then he got mad. I told Roodens to take care of him. Hey, all I was trying to do was be his friend! I didn't know a 17 year old guy could like a 26 year old woman!
Anyway I didn't think I liked Alex that much but somehow he was so caring and texted me a lot, and I started liking him more and more. What made it worse was my parents and sister stalked him on facebook and my mom said encouraging things like how she hopes it will work out, and she thinks by looking at his face that he looks honest... (I'm not all for judging people based on their face, but both my sister and my mom have always judged people by their face and seeing how I've dated a lot of bad people, I rather trust them than myself)
Well at the same time, though, my mom wanted to be careful so she said I should make sure his church is not a cult. Slowly as I started to research I started to panic. I asked Alex about his beliefs and he didn't articulate it very well and it sounded skewed. So now I have to ask him more questions to clarify, because some of the things he said sounded totally different from Christianity. It could just be that he doesn't know how to explain it. But I don't know. Cuz it's not just the way he said it, it's also he follows a preacher, Titus Chu, and that preacher when I look him up, he is associated with this group of false teachers who don't believe in the Holy Trinity.
I don't know, I could be panicking for nothing, but I guess I'm just worried I'll have to deal with letting another good guy go, and it's because as a pastor I need a future husband who has the same beliefs as me, and someone who is strong in faith. I talked to Andrew Chao about this, and Andrew thinks that Alex is not right for me. Not only does he not know how to explain his beliefs, but he also has low self control (he admitted it himself). And those two things are a problem for me.
That is why my head is spinning lately and I've been more stressed. I really want to get down to the bottom of this. Is his church a cult or not, and is he right for me or not?
OK I'm too tired to type anymore...
Friday, October 24, 2014
Update, new hopes and goals.
Hi dear friends,
Recently my dear brother in Christ Stephen has been checking my blog and noticed I haven't posted for a long time. Sorry for the long silence. Basically I just didn't feel the need to update, which is actually a good thing cuz things were pretty stable and I was feeling fine. Of course, there were still interesting things that happened though, so I will try to update here a bit.
My bipolar was pretty non existent for the past two months, but suddenly last weekend I was quite suicidal. I think mainly I felt like I was bad for committing the same sin over and over again. It's always the same. And I was sad because I couldn't seem to let go of Christos. Same issue over and over again as well.
I tried my best to shake off the depression by listening to Christian music, which helped me enough to encourage me to go to church. Cuz at first I didn't even want to go to church, I was that depressed. At the 2nd church I cried.
I talked to an older sister in Christ, Jeannie, and she said I should not condemn myself for my sin. My sexuality is part of me and God created us to want sex. It is also harder because I am a single and I had sex before so it's hard to completely not want sex. She said I have to remember Jesus wants me to live in freedom.
There were other things I was upset at myself about. I felt I didn't really read and understand as much Bible as other pastors or classmates. I was basically just disappointed in myself.
Randomly the depression suddenly left Sunday night and I started to accept myself again. But the depression returned for a little while on Tuesday.
Now I am doing absolutely fine other than the fact that I haven't been sleeping restfully and someone just talked to me and gave me high blood pressure. I won't say who. But I'm listening to "Be Still my soul" by David Archuleta and it's very very calming. And I'm taking deep breaths. And not talking to that person anymore.
Why do I still hang onto Christos? I don't really like him romantically, really. It's mainly lust and wanting attention, which he gives. And knowing that he did love me in the past and knowing he still wants me in a way now, even though not romantically, somehow it always draws me back to him. I don't want to lose him as a friend, even though we barely have anything in common. My head knows that I shouldn't be with him, but my heart still feels something for him. I have no idea when my heart will start following my head. I tried to force my heart so many times to let go, but it just doesn't want to. Christos gives me comfort, affirmation, laughter, and touch. I know he really does care about me.
----
Goals for myself:
1) Exercise 3 times a week starting in November
(this will be slightly easier now that my new workout buddy will be Jenny Poon)
2) Take Sabbath for a few hours each week every Tuesday
(trying it again)
3) Read more of the Bible.
4) Find mature Christians and positive people to hang out with more.
(Rev. Wang said hanging out with suicidal and needy people all the time is not good for me)
5) Always think of the positive in every situation, become the optimist I used to be.
Recently my dear brother in Christ Stephen has been checking my blog and noticed I haven't posted for a long time. Sorry for the long silence. Basically I just didn't feel the need to update, which is actually a good thing cuz things were pretty stable and I was feeling fine. Of course, there were still interesting things that happened though, so I will try to update here a bit.
My bipolar was pretty non existent for the past two months, but suddenly last weekend I was quite suicidal. I think mainly I felt like I was bad for committing the same sin over and over again. It's always the same. And I was sad because I couldn't seem to let go of Christos. Same issue over and over again as well.
I tried my best to shake off the depression by listening to Christian music, which helped me enough to encourage me to go to church. Cuz at first I didn't even want to go to church, I was that depressed. At the 2nd church I cried.
I talked to an older sister in Christ, Jeannie, and she said I should not condemn myself for my sin. My sexuality is part of me and God created us to want sex. It is also harder because I am a single and I had sex before so it's hard to completely not want sex. She said I have to remember Jesus wants me to live in freedom.
There were other things I was upset at myself about. I felt I didn't really read and understand as much Bible as other pastors or classmates. I was basically just disappointed in myself.
Randomly the depression suddenly left Sunday night and I started to accept myself again. But the depression returned for a little while on Tuesday.
Now I am doing absolutely fine other than the fact that I haven't been sleeping restfully and someone just talked to me and gave me high blood pressure. I won't say who. But I'm listening to "Be Still my soul" by David Archuleta and it's very very calming. And I'm taking deep breaths. And not talking to that person anymore.
Why do I still hang onto Christos? I don't really like him romantically, really. It's mainly lust and wanting attention, which he gives. And knowing that he did love me in the past and knowing he still wants me in a way now, even though not romantically, somehow it always draws me back to him. I don't want to lose him as a friend, even though we barely have anything in common. My head knows that I shouldn't be with him, but my heart still feels something for him. I have no idea when my heart will start following my head. I tried to force my heart so many times to let go, but it just doesn't want to. Christos gives me comfort, affirmation, laughter, and touch. I know he really does care about me.
----
Goals for myself:
1) Exercise 3 times a week starting in November
(this will be slightly easier now that my new workout buddy will be Jenny Poon)
2) Take Sabbath for a few hours each week every Tuesday
(trying it again)
3) Read more of the Bible.
4) Find mature Christians and positive people to hang out with more.
(Rev. Wang said hanging out with suicidal and needy people all the time is not good for me)
5) Always think of the positive in every situation, become the optimist I used to be.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Kind of OK
How am I doing today? I guess kind of OK.
Last Saturday night I went with Phila to her church, for a worship night. It was great! It was Stream of Praise, the mandarin speaking band from Taiwan that I listened to with my mom when I was a kid.
One of the ladies shared a testimony. She said "Who wants a second chance with God tonight?" And I stood up and raised my hand. Many people stood up and raised their hands. Tears came from my eyes and I felt restored at that moment.
Right now I am probably not 100% healed but I feel fine when I mention the past. So I guess I am on the right track.
Last Saturday night I went with Phila to her church, for a worship night. It was great! It was Stream of Praise, the mandarin speaking band from Taiwan that I listened to with my mom when I was a kid.
One of the ladies shared a testimony. She said "Who wants a second chance with God tonight?" And I stood up and raised my hand. Many people stood up and raised their hands. Tears came from my eyes and I felt restored at that moment.
Right now I am probably not 100% healed but I feel fine when I mention the past. So I guess I am on the right track.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Nap dream
I just woke up from a nap in sweat and I had a very vivid dream. I haven't had this vivid of a dream since a long time ago. I wonder if it has any deeper meaning.
I don't remember the whole dream but I remember I was on my way to school (UTSC) and I was supposed to hang out with Golda at 12:15. On the way to school I took a detour and went to Grant's house. In my dreaming mind, I was afraid that I would be reckless and go into his bedroom and do something sexual with him. But in the reality of the dream, somehow Grant came out of his house and saw me. I dropped some of my stuff somehow from my backpack and had to pick them up. And Grant said something about some people in his life that were the manifest of Satan and asked me whether I gave his bicycle to someone, and I said I gave it to Butterfly (whoever the heck that is but even though I love butterflies I knew that Grant thought they were evil). Then Golda calls and I panic because it's past the time that I was supposed to meet her to hang out. Then IN REAL LIFE Phila calls and I wake up.
I don't remember the whole dream but I remember I was on my way to school (UTSC) and I was supposed to hang out with Golda at 12:15. On the way to school I took a detour and went to Grant's house. In my dreaming mind, I was afraid that I would be reckless and go into his bedroom and do something sexual with him. But in the reality of the dream, somehow Grant came out of his house and saw me. I dropped some of my stuff somehow from my backpack and had to pick them up. And Grant said something about some people in his life that were the manifest of Satan and asked me whether I gave his bicycle to someone, and I said I gave it to Butterfly (whoever the heck that is but even though I love butterflies I knew that Grant thought they were evil). Then Golda calls and I panic because it's past the time that I was supposed to meet her to hang out. Then IN REAL LIFE Phila calls and I wake up.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
I Am Not Alone
What a week. First of all, I didn't update you guys about Grant did I? Grant is the latest guy in my life. I am not dating him but we were more than friends for sure. He is 48 years old, and the only reason why that doesn't freak me out is that my mentor Angela married Willy who is 25 years older than her. I won't go into too much detail but basically Grant is a weak Christian who has been through a lot, but he does have a good heart.
This time around I didn't jump into the relationship. Nick warned me and I warned myself. But this week was an emotional up and down. Why? Because first of all I liked Grant and liked the attention he gave me, and I cared for him more than a friend. I held his hands through prayer to help him forgive his past. And I gave him a big hug. Too big. Well... it was too long.
That was Monday. And when I got home, later on I read my old journal from grade 9 and 10. And started crying my eyes out at the part where I talked about Jeff and the breakup aftermath. I saw how much I loved him. I guess I was never over it because he never told me he forgave me.
But because of that I am quite certain that I am not ready for a relationship with Grant or anybody. And Grant has his own troubles he needs to sort out. Grant was kind of pressuring me for an answer. But I have thought about it and I plan to tell him that we are both not ready and don't wait on a person... wait on God.
Today I was doing well just that I felt drained emotionally from counseling so many people. And not enough sleep. But one thing I did accomplish. I cried my last tears for Christos and have decided to never text him ever again. Not because I don't care for him but I really need healing and need time for myself to recuperate and again wait on God.
I am not alone. I have God. I just talked to Emilie from Montreal and she says maybe God can give me peace about being single. Being single means I can travel and do God's work without a guy dragging me down or holding me back.
I also thought about how I am a Pastor. No one really calls me Pastor Martine but now I'm thinking if people called me that, then I would be reminded of my role and in the Bible it says I should be "blameless and without reproach". I mean basically that means I need to be a great example and so far my personal life and boy adventures have proved otherwise. So better grow up and become an actual pastor rather than an emotional teenager.
I've been listening to Christian music and spending time with God in His Word. I feel fine overall, I guess the crying helps because then I let it all out. Kari Jobe helps a lot to calm me down. Nature and sunshine kind of helps too. And sitting at Mcdonalds.
God is good. He is my Healer. I will overcome.
This time around I didn't jump into the relationship. Nick warned me and I warned myself. But this week was an emotional up and down. Why? Because first of all I liked Grant and liked the attention he gave me, and I cared for him more than a friend. I held his hands through prayer to help him forgive his past. And I gave him a big hug. Too big. Well... it was too long.
That was Monday. And when I got home, later on I read my old journal from grade 9 and 10. And started crying my eyes out at the part where I talked about Jeff and the breakup aftermath. I saw how much I loved him. I guess I was never over it because he never told me he forgave me.
But because of that I am quite certain that I am not ready for a relationship with Grant or anybody. And Grant has his own troubles he needs to sort out. Grant was kind of pressuring me for an answer. But I have thought about it and I plan to tell him that we are both not ready and don't wait on a person... wait on God.
Today I was doing well just that I felt drained emotionally from counseling so many people. And not enough sleep. But one thing I did accomplish. I cried my last tears for Christos and have decided to never text him ever again. Not because I don't care for him but I really need healing and need time for myself to recuperate and again wait on God.
I am not alone. I have God. I just talked to Emilie from Montreal and she says maybe God can give me peace about being single. Being single means I can travel and do God's work without a guy dragging me down or holding me back.
I also thought about how I am a Pastor. No one really calls me Pastor Martine but now I'm thinking if people called me that, then I would be reminded of my role and in the Bible it says I should be "blameless and without reproach". I mean basically that means I need to be a great example and so far my personal life and boy adventures have proved otherwise. So better grow up and become an actual pastor rather than an emotional teenager.
I've been listening to Christian music and spending time with God in His Word. I feel fine overall, I guess the crying helps because then I let it all out. Kari Jobe helps a lot to calm me down. Nature and sunshine kind of helps too. And sitting at Mcdonalds.
God is good. He is my Healer. I will overcome.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Yearning
Today I am really yearning.
Yearning for Montreal. I kind of want to be there right now. Just the atmosphere of Mont Royal, the people, wanting to just start my own full-time ministry. But here I am studying for another two and half years.
I am really yearning for God. This week I spent some time with Cymone, my new spiritual director. She helped me figure out creative ways to connect with God, such as singing prayers. She also helped me figure out I like to interact with God in tangible, hands on ways, such as taking a walk, doing art, music, and dancing.
I am really yearning to know who will be my future husband. In order for both my parents, God, and myself to be satisfied, this person will most likely be a trilingual Chinese person living in Montreal, I'll probably meet him while doing missions at a Montreal church, and he will hopefully like to play guitar, sing, and dance.
I know I'm in a Christian seminary school, learning to become a pastor, but I just really don't feel like doing the readings. I'm more of a hands on person and these books are really overload. I know I can get smarter by reading these books but I really just wish I could just attend lectures and do assignments without reading books.
And part of me just wants to be done. I've been in school for so long and everyone is asking me when will I be done. Everyone!
I know God probably wants me to stay in Toronto for another 3 years, but that seems really long right now. I just really want to achieve my dreams.
Yearning for Montreal. I kind of want to be there right now. Just the atmosphere of Mont Royal, the people, wanting to just start my own full-time ministry. But here I am studying for another two and half years.
I am really yearning for God. This week I spent some time with Cymone, my new spiritual director. She helped me figure out creative ways to connect with God, such as singing prayers. She also helped me figure out I like to interact with God in tangible, hands on ways, such as taking a walk, doing art, music, and dancing.
I am really yearning to know who will be my future husband. In order for both my parents, God, and myself to be satisfied, this person will most likely be a trilingual Chinese person living in Montreal, I'll probably meet him while doing missions at a Montreal church, and he will hopefully like to play guitar, sing, and dance.
I know I'm in a Christian seminary school, learning to become a pastor, but I just really don't feel like doing the readings. I'm more of a hands on person and these books are really overload. I know I can get smarter by reading these books but I really just wish I could just attend lectures and do assignments without reading books.
And part of me just wants to be done. I've been in school for so long and everyone is asking me when will I be done. Everyone!
I know God probably wants me to stay in Toronto for another 3 years, but that seems really long right now. I just really want to achieve my dreams.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Finding comfort in Jesus
These are Jesus's words....
(MAT 5:3-12 MSG)
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope.
With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you.
Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
“You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less.
That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.
“You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God.
He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.
“You’re blessed when you care.
At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.
“You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right.
Then you can see God in the outside world.
“You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight.
That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.
“You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution.
The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.
“Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me.
What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable.
You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do!
And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company.
My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.
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Even though it is nice to find comfort in friends, friends don't always understand you (actually most of the time they don't even know how to listen or what to say). But Jesus does. I love Jesus. I talk to Jesus like my best friend usually all throughout the day and especially at night. I'm not saying this to sound like a proud Christian. I am saying this because I have learned to enjoy life and feel comforted from my problems because of Jesus. I hope one day you will experience His comfort in some way too.
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Quote of the day:Robin Williams' monologue from the movie Jack (beautiful!): "I don't have very much time these days so I'll make it quick. Like my life. You know, as we come to the end of this phase of our life, we find ourselves trying to remember the good times and trying to forget the bad times, and we find ourselves thinking about the future. We start to worry , thinking, "What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna be in ten years?" But I say to you, "Hey, look at me!" Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular. I know I did." Robin Williams as Jack
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Jesus, you're my nightingale...
(MAT 5:3-12 MSG)
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope.
With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you.
Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
“You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less.
That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.
“You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God.
He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.
“You’re blessed when you care.
At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.
“You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right.
Then you can see God in the outside world.
“You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight.
That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.
“You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution.
The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.
“Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me.
What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable.
You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do!
And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company.
My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.
------------------
Even though it is nice to find comfort in friends, friends don't always understand you (actually most of the time they don't even know how to listen or what to say). But Jesus does. I love Jesus. I talk to Jesus like my best friend usually all throughout the day and especially at night. I'm not saying this to sound like a proud Christian. I am saying this because I have learned to enjoy life and feel comforted from my problems because of Jesus. I hope one day you will experience His comfort in some way too.
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Quote of the day:Robin Williams' monologue from the movie Jack (beautiful!): "I don't have very much time these days so I'll make it quick. Like my life. You know, as we come to the end of this phase of our life, we find ourselves trying to remember the good times and trying to forget the bad times, and we find ourselves thinking about the future. We start to worry , thinking, "What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna be in ten years?" But I say to you, "Hey, look at me!" Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular. I know I did." Robin Williams as Jack
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Jesus, you're my nightingale...
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Encouraging day
"In the busyness of spiritual leadership and church activity, keep me,
Lord, from boredom or burn-out. Help me to stay personally fresh in my
enthusiasm for You, so that in turn I can pass that genuine enthusiasm
on to the people with whom I minister. Amen."
-A. W. Tozer ---------------------------------- Sometimes, in order to feel better about life, I bury myself in work. Other times, I bury myself in music or sleep. Usually eventually I turn back to God and realize I just need Him. Cuz work can end up to be draining, and I end up not taking care of myself. On the other hand, sleeping too much is sort of taking care of myself but not really cuz I could be doing something more productive. In the end, I just need to take life slower than the fast pace that Torontonians usually take it, enjoy the scenery and laugh more, not care about what other people think or feel so sorry for myself of stuff I am missing. Today seeing my aunt and uncle helped because they are big jokers. We went to the Panorama lounge with my grandpa, mom, and sister, and we took some pictures and ate some super expensive food. But by the end I was laughing and smiling again and I felt hopeful again instead of ashamed of being myself. Thanks God for an encouraging day. |
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Feeling better
After hiding out in my bed for so long, today I finally did some productive work, and felt better. Thank God I'm not depressed anymore! I better not be depressed for at least the rest of the summer!
I also met up with a friend which helped me too. And me and my mom are planning a trip to Montreal together. Finally some kind of vacation!
Life isn't so bad after all. :)
I also met up with a friend which helped me too. And me and my mom are planning a trip to Montreal together. Finally some kind of vacation!
Life isn't so bad after all. :)
Monday, June 30, 2014
Slowly retreating within myself/Letter to God
Today I found out Ying and Aaron got engaged.
Last Saturday I went to Agnes' bridal shower.
Jen and Mathias got engaged recently too.
One of my friends is in jail.
I don't know how to describe how I feel about these things, but I can tell you how I've been acting lately. I've been staying in bed longer, watching endless youtube videos, not wanting to do anything anymore, when I hang out with friends I try to force a smile, not wanting to ruin their mood.
When people ask me how I'm doing, I lie and say I'm not doing too bad. I lost hope in many of my passions and goals. I just want to avoid life and not think about the future.
I hate to be a downer but these days it seems I'm often thinking the negative. My friends tell me it's OK to be single... I guess I don't really believe them.
I feel selfish. I should be happy for others right? I shouldn't just think about the negative right? I should be using this time to do what makes me happy, serve the community, help others right? I just lost that desire.
I'm scared to tell others but once again I thought of cutting my arm. I'm not going to do it, but if I'm thinking about it, there must be something really wrong with me. A lot of suppressed emotion, a cry in my heart that I find hard to express for fear that others will be worried for me, not wanting others to be sad for me. I need a major vacation, I guess.
Last Saturday after Agnes' bridal shower, I texted Chris and you know what, I guess I missed him. He was the closest thing I had to a future husband, I mean he met my grandpa and I met his parents. He was husband material. But I know I need to let him go.
I guess I never recovered from all the broken relationships. I never recovered from my teenagers making me cry. I never recovered from anything. It's all still stuck in my heart. Why aren't I strong enough?
I haven't even really talked to God about it. Usually by now I would have had a heartfelt prayer, down on my knees, crying to God, or wrote to God in my blog. This time it's weird, it's like I don't want to talk to God anymore. Reading the Bible is so hard, my brain is thinking ten million things while I try to read the Bible.
But I guess I should try right? I mean, God is the only one who will understand. And it would let all my emotions out. OK let me try....
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Dear God,
Thanks for patiently waiting for me to call on You. You know I haven't really read your Word lately and I feel pretty bad about it, but I know You will forgive me. Thanks for being compassionate towards me.
I just can't help but feel lonely lately. I know You're there for me, but somehow I stubbornly think that's not enough. I wish I was either happily single or in a relationship but I know what you would say. You would probably gently remind me that whenever I was in a relationship, I was crazier. My moods would be even worse than they are now.
It's so hard to look to You and gaze upon Your beautiful face when I'm looking around me and seeing what's missing in my life. I want attention from others but when I receive it I pretend everything's OK cuz I don't want them to worry, I want them to be happy.
Please heal the pain and emptiness that's inside my heart. Please help me to stop thinking of cutting myself or retreat pathetically into my bed and drown myself with youtube videos. There is so much at stake in this world. This world is crying out for our attention but I'm selfishly thinking about myself. I always put off tasks now, events I wanted to organize have been put to the back burner.
I want to do so much for the church and for You but at the same time I can't even deal with myself right now. Why is my bipolar so annoying? Like why can't it go away?
Last Saturday I went to Agnes' bridal shower.
Jen and Mathias got engaged recently too.
One of my friends is in jail.
I don't know how to describe how I feel about these things, but I can tell you how I've been acting lately. I've been staying in bed longer, watching endless youtube videos, not wanting to do anything anymore, when I hang out with friends I try to force a smile, not wanting to ruin their mood.
When people ask me how I'm doing, I lie and say I'm not doing too bad. I lost hope in many of my passions and goals. I just want to avoid life and not think about the future.
I hate to be a downer but these days it seems I'm often thinking the negative. My friends tell me it's OK to be single... I guess I don't really believe them.
I feel selfish. I should be happy for others right? I shouldn't just think about the negative right? I should be using this time to do what makes me happy, serve the community, help others right? I just lost that desire.
I'm scared to tell others but once again I thought of cutting my arm. I'm not going to do it, but if I'm thinking about it, there must be something really wrong with me. A lot of suppressed emotion, a cry in my heart that I find hard to express for fear that others will be worried for me, not wanting others to be sad for me. I need a major vacation, I guess.
Last Saturday after Agnes' bridal shower, I texted Chris and you know what, I guess I missed him. He was the closest thing I had to a future husband, I mean he met my grandpa and I met his parents. He was husband material. But I know I need to let him go.
I guess I never recovered from all the broken relationships. I never recovered from my teenagers making me cry. I never recovered from anything. It's all still stuck in my heart. Why aren't I strong enough?
I haven't even really talked to God about it. Usually by now I would have had a heartfelt prayer, down on my knees, crying to God, or wrote to God in my blog. This time it's weird, it's like I don't want to talk to God anymore. Reading the Bible is so hard, my brain is thinking ten million things while I try to read the Bible.
But I guess I should try right? I mean, God is the only one who will understand. And it would let all my emotions out. OK let me try....
----------------------------------------------
Dear God,
Thanks for patiently waiting for me to call on You. You know I haven't really read your Word lately and I feel pretty bad about it, but I know You will forgive me. Thanks for being compassionate towards me.
I just can't help but feel lonely lately. I know You're there for me, but somehow I stubbornly think that's not enough. I wish I was either happily single or in a relationship but I know what you would say. You would probably gently remind me that whenever I was in a relationship, I was crazier. My moods would be even worse than they are now.
It's so hard to look to You and gaze upon Your beautiful face when I'm looking around me and seeing what's missing in my life. I want attention from others but when I receive it I pretend everything's OK cuz I don't want them to worry, I want them to be happy.
Please heal the pain and emptiness that's inside my heart. Please help me to stop thinking of cutting myself or retreat pathetically into my bed and drown myself with youtube videos. There is so much at stake in this world. This world is crying out for our attention but I'm selfishly thinking about myself. I always put off tasks now, events I wanted to organize have been put to the back burner.
I want to do so much for the church and for You but at the same time I can't even deal with myself right now. Why is my bipolar so annoying? Like why can't it go away?
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Someday my Prince will come
No, I'm not obsessed about boys anymore, even though I met up with Harold today at Milliken Park and we had a really good chat. I'm talking about the Prince of Peace, Jesus. Today before Harold arrived, I went around the park by myself and even danced while listening to music under a willow tree.
It was really refreshing to see the ducks, hear the water from the pond's fountain, and not feel the need to work or check my phone constantly. I know God was with me at the park, I felt a joy and peace.
Last night an incident happened and I was very anxious, sad, and hyperventilating. But I'm OK now, thank God. I never felt so ganged up before and I was hyperventilating all the way from Scarborough town centre, in the car ride home, and even when I got to my bedroom I was hyperventilating.
Thank God that certain people were there for me and I ended up calming down.
Right now my eyes are tired so I think I'm going to eat a snack and rest, then go to Arabic church. May God give me strength and energy!
It was really refreshing to see the ducks, hear the water from the pond's fountain, and not feel the need to work or check my phone constantly. I know God was with me at the park, I felt a joy and peace.
Last night an incident happened and I was very anxious, sad, and hyperventilating. But I'm OK now, thank God. I never felt so ganged up before and I was hyperventilating all the way from Scarborough town centre, in the car ride home, and even when I got to my bedroom I was hyperventilating.
Thank God that certain people were there for me and I ended up calming down.
Right now my eyes are tired so I think I'm going to eat a snack and rest, then go to Arabic church. May God give me strength and energy!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Hello once again!
I know I know it's been forever since I last posted... thanks for being patient with me. I was going through some struggles and I felt too self-conscious and ashamed and confused to write anything here. But I am happy to say that I think my life is getting back on track after a serious time of mania and depression.
My memory is a bit blurred but what I do remember is going downtown with Selena, crying a lot then drinking tons and tons of sangria and "sex on the beach" (yes those are the names of the drinks) nonstop. I didn't feel tipsy or drunk, I just went more and more hyper and didn't sleep all night, going into manic mode.
As I got into manic mode, I felt more and more inspired by the Bible and everything around me. I went on facebook nonstop, didn't care about what anyone else thought, just wanted to be my confident and crazy self. I took random pictures and posted them, I also posted something on Chris Ko's wall which started up a whole fiasco.
Basically it was because I got inspired by the story of the pearl, in the Bible. The story of the pearl goes like this... there was a man who found a pearl in a neighbor's field. He decided to sell everything he had to buy that field so that he could get the pearl. This is supposed to represent how in the Kingdom of God, people who found Jesus they leave behind everything and give up everything to receive Jesus and it is like a big spiritual jackpot for them cuz it's heavenly riches. :)
So I was so inspired by this story that I decided to post on Chris Ko's wall, saying "I hit the spiritual jackpot!"
His friend Giancarlo, whom I have never met, commented afterwards, saying "Where do you get these spiritual riches?" So friendly and overly hyper as I was, I started talking to Giancarlo the whole day long in metaphorical language explaining the gospel and explaining how Giancarlo should come with me and Chris Ko to the park on Victoria Day, instead of doing drugs (turns out he doesn't do drugs but he sure sounded like he did when I talked to him on facebook... maybe he was joking a lot but he kept on mentioning how he wanted to smoke weed).
Anyways, Chris Ko apparently got word that I was talking to Giancarlo and even Giancarlo's girlfriend found out... evidently because Giancarlo took photos screenshots of me and Giancarlo's conversations and told them!
Well Chris Ko gets overly concerned saying I'm being weird and making him lose his friends. I freak out and yell at Chris over text because he wouldn't call me to get my point of view. In the end, he didn't come to the park with us on Victoria Day and neither did Giancarlo. Now I know never ever to talk to Chris's friends.
Another thing that happened was that I was manic at church on Sunday , the Sunday right before Victoria Day. To keep it brief, I basically made an announcement about outreach on stage and two people, good church friends, noticed I was saying the announcement kind of weird because I was manic.
After all the mania had subsided, I became depressed because I felt ashamed that I made the announcement at church while being manic. I told myself that everyone was judging me (even though it's not true), I told myself I was a failure, I told myself I never finish what I start and probably was more of a burden than anything else, blamed myself for everything.
Later on I was also depressed about Chris, how he probably doesn't love me anymore and all that crap. I spent a lot of time sleeping, not wanting to do anything.
Finally last Friday I took a break off of church work and just attended a fellowship where I didn't need to be the leader. I felt I needed that break. I also went to an encouraging memorial service for my church uncle Wai Yin, who passed away of cancer, the following day (Saturday). His life story was so encouraging that I didn't even cry at his memorial, although I cried when I first realized he died.
I spent more time sleeping and the next day (sunday) I went to both churches (Grace and Charis), and thank God I finally cheered up . The sunny weather helped too.
Now I'm back to normal, praise the Lord. I am no longer manic nor depressed, best thing ever. I am taking steps to take care of myself, such as going to hip hop dance class, talking to Tyndale sisters, and doing dumb things like going on Youtube but at least it's not like I'm workaholic! Today I got a free hair trim too so yippee!
well, that was a long post. Thanks for reading. :) Hopefully this good and neutral mood lasts longer and I don't go messed up again anytime soon!
My memory is a bit blurred but what I do remember is going downtown with Selena, crying a lot then drinking tons and tons of sangria and "sex on the beach" (yes those are the names of the drinks) nonstop. I didn't feel tipsy or drunk, I just went more and more hyper and didn't sleep all night, going into manic mode.
As I got into manic mode, I felt more and more inspired by the Bible and everything around me. I went on facebook nonstop, didn't care about what anyone else thought, just wanted to be my confident and crazy self. I took random pictures and posted them, I also posted something on Chris Ko's wall which started up a whole fiasco.
Basically it was because I got inspired by the story of the pearl, in the Bible. The story of the pearl goes like this... there was a man who found a pearl in a neighbor's field. He decided to sell everything he had to buy that field so that he could get the pearl. This is supposed to represent how in the Kingdom of God, people who found Jesus they leave behind everything and give up everything to receive Jesus and it is like a big spiritual jackpot for them cuz it's heavenly riches. :)
So I was so inspired by this story that I decided to post on Chris Ko's wall, saying "I hit the spiritual jackpot!"
His friend Giancarlo, whom I have never met, commented afterwards, saying "Where do you get these spiritual riches?" So friendly and overly hyper as I was, I started talking to Giancarlo the whole day long in metaphorical language explaining the gospel and explaining how Giancarlo should come with me and Chris Ko to the park on Victoria Day, instead of doing drugs (turns out he doesn't do drugs but he sure sounded like he did when I talked to him on facebook... maybe he was joking a lot but he kept on mentioning how he wanted to smoke weed).
Anyways, Chris Ko apparently got word that I was talking to Giancarlo and even Giancarlo's girlfriend found out... evidently because Giancarlo took photos screenshots of me and Giancarlo's conversations and told them!
Well Chris Ko gets overly concerned saying I'm being weird and making him lose his friends. I freak out and yell at Chris over text because he wouldn't call me to get my point of view. In the end, he didn't come to the park with us on Victoria Day and neither did Giancarlo. Now I know never ever to talk to Chris's friends.
Another thing that happened was that I was manic at church on Sunday , the Sunday right before Victoria Day. To keep it brief, I basically made an announcement about outreach on stage and two people, good church friends, noticed I was saying the announcement kind of weird because I was manic.
After all the mania had subsided, I became depressed because I felt ashamed that I made the announcement at church while being manic. I told myself that everyone was judging me (even though it's not true), I told myself I was a failure, I told myself I never finish what I start and probably was more of a burden than anything else, blamed myself for everything.
Later on I was also depressed about Chris, how he probably doesn't love me anymore and all that crap. I spent a lot of time sleeping, not wanting to do anything.
Finally last Friday I took a break off of church work and just attended a fellowship where I didn't need to be the leader. I felt I needed that break. I also went to an encouraging memorial service for my church uncle Wai Yin, who passed away of cancer, the following day (Saturday). His life story was so encouraging that I didn't even cry at his memorial, although I cried when I first realized he died.
I spent more time sleeping and the next day (sunday) I went to both churches (Grace and Charis), and thank God I finally cheered up . The sunny weather helped too.
Now I'm back to normal, praise the Lord. I am no longer manic nor depressed, best thing ever. I am taking steps to take care of myself, such as going to hip hop dance class, talking to Tyndale sisters, and doing dumb things like going on Youtube but at least it's not like I'm workaholic! Today I got a free hair trim too so yippee!
well, that was a long post. Thanks for reading. :) Hopefully this good and neutral mood lasts longer and I don't go messed up again anytime soon!
Monday, May 12, 2014
Thankful for time with family
Today, I spent time with my family plus my grandma. It was a good time eating dim sum and doing a bit of chinese shopping. It was interesting seeing three ginseng stores in the same area of the same mall compete against each other in business by trying to convince my grandma to buy more and more herbs or chinese medicinal ingredients at low prices. Wow.
I was a bit emotional because last night I didn't sleep but I texted Chris and he listened, and my sister also cheered me up by telling me random things. When I got home I spent time watching another movie, this one about marriage and weddings (the main character was a wedding planner) but for some reason I wasn't sad I was just happy to watch the movie.
I signed up for a Hip hop dance class downtown (finally!) and it was only 22 dollars on Groupon for 16 classes! Amazing! I'm excited to get back into dancing. Must exercise more! Tomorrow I plan on going to the gym for the Body Pump class to pump some iron.
Overall it was a good time with family, a rare time. Thanks God for the wonderful day. :)
I was a bit emotional because last night I didn't sleep but I texted Chris and he listened, and my sister also cheered me up by telling me random things. When I got home I spent time watching another movie, this one about marriage and weddings (the main character was a wedding planner) but for some reason I wasn't sad I was just happy to watch the movie.
I signed up for a Hip hop dance class downtown (finally!) and it was only 22 dollars on Groupon for 16 classes! Amazing! I'm excited to get back into dancing. Must exercise more! Tomorrow I plan on going to the gym for the Body Pump class to pump some iron.
Overall it was a good time with family, a rare time. Thanks God for the wonderful day. :)
Hilarious movie called "Just Friends"
I found this hilarious movie while thinking about me and Chris being "just friends". Basically I was thinking about how I could get advice or insight on me and him being "just friends", so I searched "just friends" in the Youtube search box... guess what, as fate would have it, or maybe God just has a sense of humor, the first thing that popped up was this movie "Just Friends" (2005)!
I watched the whole thing and I encourage you all to watch it, it's hilarious and it's basically about a guy named Chris who wants to stop being "just friends" with his best girl friend from high school. Funny enough, just like Chris Ko, the Chris in this movie also drives a nice car, plays ice hockey, and goes to church to try to get his girl back (although Chris Ko did not do it in the exact same way that Chris in the movie did). If this movie is not a sign from God, that's OK cuz I got a really good laugh out of it. :P hahaha all my stress is gone now! YES WATCH THIS MOVIE GUYS
I watched the whole thing and I encourage you all to watch it, it's hilarious and it's basically about a guy named Chris who wants to stop being "just friends" with his best girl friend from high school. Funny enough, just like Chris Ko, the Chris in this movie also drives a nice car, plays ice hockey, and goes to church to try to get his girl back (although Chris Ko did not do it in the exact same way that Chris in the movie did). If this movie is not a sign from God, that's OK cuz I got a really good laugh out of it. :P hahaha all my stress is gone now! YES WATCH THIS MOVIE GUYS
Friday, May 9, 2014
So much has happened... time for reflection and update!
Hello dear friends,
I haven't really updated and there was so much going on in the past three weeks. All you need to know is briefly: Golda and I are still friends, just more distant in terms of my boundaries cuz I can't trust her with any personal information anymore... Chris and I are friends but we are hoping to date again in the future if it's God's plan and timing... School ended and I think I did well on my last essay, hopefully... I am trying to be healthier now, still kind of unmotivated sometimes and sleeping too much but overall healthier mentally and physically.
Over the past four months at Golda's house, I guess I did a lot of negative learning. What I mean by negative learning is that I had to learn things the hard way. I saw how Golda treated me and I had to learn to set boundaries so I wouldn't be abused, and I saw how Golda treated her parents and I felt sorry for the way I treated my parents. Seeing my counselor every week helped and in the end, Golda only changed for the better a little bit, spiritually, but she is still not mentally well and it should not be my responsibility, she should take charge and really seek a professional counselor.
Speaking of my counselor, Karen, she has taught me so much. I am still working on it but I have become more assertive, much less suicidal, more confident, and overall more stable because of her. I learned to grieve out and talk out all my feelings, and to the right people. I learned to take care of myself better (but still learning to love myself, it's hard).
Why do I find it hard to love myself? I guess I grew up with the wrong idea that I had to put everybody else first. I thought it was most important to make others happy, but then again I did it so selflessly that I ended up being so sad myself, using all my time to serve others and no time to do things I liked.
Soon enough, my life revolved around other people. I wouldn't have a reason to live if it weren't for making others happy or helping people find God. But that is wrong, because even if I was paralyzed and couldn't talk, God still loves me and I can live on because God loves me. However, even though I knew that as a concept, practically I thought I was useless unless I do something productive with my life, leading me to being workaholic.
Being workaholic goes hand in hand with burnout and later on trying to avoid work. So in the end, if God is not my motivator and if I do not dwell in God's love and truth, I will have a warped view of my life and live for the wrong reasons and become emotionally unwell.
I saw this on facebook today and just wanted to share:
Attacks from the enemy reveals that he fully believes you are capable of obtaining your goal. They would not waste their ammunition, time, finances and effort if they thought your dreams or goals were impossible. "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" (phil 4:13). Angels are continuously ready to minister to you at the conclusion of a crisis. so don't give up! If your enemy believes in your future, so should you!!
This quote applies to me because this week, especially today, I felt the enemy attacking in different ways. But God is good, He pulled me back up and helped me have motivation to rise again from the darkness. :)
I'll leave it there for now. Thanks for reading. :) and for all your support.
I haven't really updated and there was so much going on in the past three weeks. All you need to know is briefly: Golda and I are still friends, just more distant in terms of my boundaries cuz I can't trust her with any personal information anymore... Chris and I are friends but we are hoping to date again in the future if it's God's plan and timing... School ended and I think I did well on my last essay, hopefully... I am trying to be healthier now, still kind of unmotivated sometimes and sleeping too much but overall healthier mentally and physically.
Over the past four months at Golda's house, I guess I did a lot of negative learning. What I mean by negative learning is that I had to learn things the hard way. I saw how Golda treated me and I had to learn to set boundaries so I wouldn't be abused, and I saw how Golda treated her parents and I felt sorry for the way I treated my parents. Seeing my counselor every week helped and in the end, Golda only changed for the better a little bit, spiritually, but she is still not mentally well and it should not be my responsibility, she should take charge and really seek a professional counselor.
Speaking of my counselor, Karen, she has taught me so much. I am still working on it but I have become more assertive, much less suicidal, more confident, and overall more stable because of her. I learned to grieve out and talk out all my feelings, and to the right people. I learned to take care of myself better (but still learning to love myself, it's hard).
Why do I find it hard to love myself? I guess I grew up with the wrong idea that I had to put everybody else first. I thought it was most important to make others happy, but then again I did it so selflessly that I ended up being so sad myself, using all my time to serve others and no time to do things I liked.
Soon enough, my life revolved around other people. I wouldn't have a reason to live if it weren't for making others happy or helping people find God. But that is wrong, because even if I was paralyzed and couldn't talk, God still loves me and I can live on because God loves me. However, even though I knew that as a concept, practically I thought I was useless unless I do something productive with my life, leading me to being workaholic.
Being workaholic goes hand in hand with burnout and later on trying to avoid work. So in the end, if God is not my motivator and if I do not dwell in God's love and truth, I will have a warped view of my life and live for the wrong reasons and become emotionally unwell.
I saw this on facebook today and just wanted to share:
Attacks from the enemy reveals that he fully believes you are capable of obtaining your goal. They would not waste their ammunition, time, finances and effort if they thought your dreams or goals were impossible. "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" (phil 4:13). Angels are continuously ready to minister to you at the conclusion of a crisis. so don't give up! If your enemy believes in your future, so should you!!
This quote applies to me because this week, especially today, I felt the enemy attacking in different ways. But God is good, He pulled me back up and helped me have motivation to rise again from the darkness. :)
I'll leave it there for now. Thanks for reading. :) and for all your support.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Hey everyone, check my Facebook
Hey everyone, lately I've been really busy with both drama and life, or a combination of the two. I need to take a breather and I might not blog all the time. However, all you need to know is, for now, I moved back to my parents' house. I am back in my old bedroom. Life is all good and I hope you can stay updated with my inspiring facebook posts cuz I usually post more updates there for more people to see.
But as for you , my closest friends, you know that I was going through an abusive relationship with Golda. You know I was suffering to try to help her recover. It was time for me to leave. I'll talk with you more really soon about what God revealed to me over the past weekend of Easter. The past weekend of Resurrection Day to be more exact.
Thanks for reading. I will be thinking of you guys, my closest friends. God bless you.
But as for you , my closest friends, you know that I was going through an abusive relationship with Golda. You know I was suffering to try to help her recover. It was time for me to leave. I'll talk with you more really soon about what God revealed to me over the past weekend of Easter. The past weekend of Resurrection Day to be more exact.
Thanks for reading. I will be thinking of you guys, my closest friends. God bless you.
Friday, April 18, 2014
God's will be done
(posted on facebook)
The only good thing about good Friday is that God showed us today roughly 2000 years ago that He loved us by abandoning his only son Jesus on the cross. It was so that Jesus could save us from our sins that were destroying us. Jesus is my Lord, my friend, my Savior, my God. He is love and my reason to live. May God bless you with His love.
Jesus died Good Friday but rose from the dead on Easter Sunday. He did it to give us new life seriously, \\
Satan is trying to annoy everybody today and every day leading up to this week Jesus is all about relationships. I mean, I cried on the subway, but thank God two stranger ladies comforted me. I got triggered during the sermon, realizing that my sister and I used to have a better relationship when we were kids. I also had someone tell me they had problems with their family, and plus my grandpa fell down and cut himself on something at the seniors' home. Satan was trying to annoy people but God was more powerful than that.
Same thing with the cross. The cross was a shameful way to die. Satan thought he was going to win, but Jesus decided to win over everything by raising himself from the dead on Sunday morning.
Christos said: also whats good is that every good friday since then many families through the ages have made great memories and used it as a excuse to participate in family
After all, Christianity is not a religion of rules and only about obedience. It is most about relationships. Relationships between us and God , and relationships between us and other souls.
God wants a relationship with you. He wants to fill your needs and desires in a way that no human being ever can. God wants to help you in every way. Will you let Him? Will you put down your own thoughts and knowledge and ask God you want to KNOW HIM? Because He LOVES you. He created you for God's sake and He wants to restore and heal your wounds.
I realized why I want a tattoo. Its a way of trying to heal myself. It's a way of trying to remind myself of God's love. When I look at the cross and in Jesus' lovely face, I don't even feel the need to get a tattoo anymore. Not just because the church board wants me to hide my tattoos and thinks tattoos are sinful. But because the cross saved me. Jesus saved me. I am healed in Jesus' name.
Jesus died Good Friday but rose from the dead on Easter Sunday. He did it to give us new life seriously, \\
Satan is trying to annoy everybody today and every day leading up to this week Jesus is all about relationships. I mean, I cried on the subway, but thank God two stranger ladies comforted me. I got triggered during the sermon, realizing that my sister and I used to have a better relationship when we were kids. I also had someone tell me they had problems with their family, and plus my grandpa fell down and cut himself on something at the seniors' home. Satan was trying to annoy people but God was more powerful than that.
Same thing with the cross. The cross was a shameful way to die. Satan thought he was going to win, but Jesus decided to win over everything by raising himself from the dead on Sunday morning.
Christos said: also whats good is that every good friday since then many families through the ages have made great memories and used it as a excuse to participate in family
After all, Christianity is not a religion of rules and only about obedience. It is most about relationships. Relationships between us and God , and relationships between us and other souls.
God wants a relationship with you. He wants to fill your needs and desires in a way that no human being ever can. God wants to help you in every way. Will you let Him? Will you put down your own thoughts and knowledge and ask God you want to KNOW HIM? Because He LOVES you. He created you for God's sake and He wants to restore and heal your wounds.
I realized why I want a tattoo. Its a way of trying to heal myself. It's a way of trying to remind myself of God's love. When I look at the cross and in Jesus' lovely face, I don't even feel the need to get a tattoo anymore. Not just because the church board wants me to hide my tattoos and thinks tattoos are sinful. But because the cross saved me. Jesus saved me. I am healed in Jesus' name.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
8th anniversary of my bipolar
(posted on my facebook)
Today marks the 8th anniversary of me staying at the hospital for my bipolar disorder. To be honest, it was really around this date. I remember it was before my birthday (April 22nd), and one of my last days at the hospital, was on Easter Sunday.
Just as Jesus rose from the dead and became alive again on Easter Sunday, when I was in the hospital in 2006, God finally gave me a good night and day's rest on Easter Sunday that year, in the hospital. Because all the nights before Easter Sunday while my bipolar disorder was happening, I was in a manic state and was too anxious to sleep for days and even weeks on end.
Right now, as Easter Sunday is approaching, I know I will never be healed from bipolar disorder until I get to heaven, but because He (Jesus) lives, I can live too. Bipolar disorder is my gift of a handicap. I became more compassionate and learned much more about myself and life because of this handicap gift.
And for the 8th anniversary of my bipolar disorder starting, just as 8 is a lucky number in the chinese tradition, I am lucky to be alive and doing much better than before. I am starting to heal, after realizing what happened with my past trauma and hurts. I wish all of you a great healing process too, as everyone is hurt by something in life...
And for the first time in my life, I am going to become a motivational speaker at Stephen Leacock C.I. (high school) to a bunch of girls in the girls after school program, promoting mental health awareness. I wasn't ready before but now I am, it's a dream come true. ON MY BIRTHDAY (april 22nd), the day I thought would never come when I was still at the hospital in 2006, waiting to get out... eventually I got out a few days before my birthday and was home with friends and family. It's as if my birthday wish when i blew out the candle back in 2006 is coming true NEXT TUES on my BIRTHDAY.
Thanks for reading my sharing. May God bless everyone this Easter... there are way too many coincidences for there NOT to be a God.
Today marks the 8th anniversary of me staying at the hospital for my bipolar disorder. To be honest, it was really around this date. I remember it was before my birthday (April 22nd), and one of my last days at the hospital, was on Easter Sunday.
Just as Jesus rose from the dead and became alive again on Easter Sunday, when I was in the hospital in 2006, God finally gave me a good night and day's rest on Easter Sunday that year, in the hospital. Because all the nights before Easter Sunday while my bipolar disorder was happening, I was in a manic state and was too anxious to sleep for days and even weeks on end.
Right now, as Easter Sunday is approaching, I know I will never be healed from bipolar disorder until I get to heaven, but because He (Jesus) lives, I can live too. Bipolar disorder is my gift of a handicap. I became more compassionate and learned much more about myself and life because of this handicap gift.
And for the 8th anniversary of my bipolar disorder starting, just as 8 is a lucky number in the chinese tradition, I am lucky to be alive and doing much better than before. I am starting to heal, after realizing what happened with my past trauma and hurts. I wish all of you a great healing process too, as everyone is hurt by something in life...
And for the first time in my life, I am going to become a motivational speaker at Stephen Leacock C.I. (high school) to a bunch of girls in the girls after school program, promoting mental health awareness. I wasn't ready before but now I am, it's a dream come true. ON MY BIRTHDAY (april 22nd), the day I thought would never come when I was still at the hospital in 2006, waiting to get out... eventually I got out a few days before my birthday and was home with friends and family. It's as if my birthday wish when i blew out the candle back in 2006 is coming true NEXT TUES on my BIRTHDAY.
Thanks for reading my sharing. May God bless everyone this Easter... there are way too many coincidences for there NOT to be a God.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Ecclesiastes poem (from the Bible)
A Time for Everything
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
----------------------------------------------------
OMYGOODNESSSSSSSSSS GUYS AND GALS...
I was SO wrong about Chris... while during our break, he actually prayed to God for a sign, whether or not he should choose Christianity. And just 5 minutes later in Korea town, a Korean Christian came up to him to talk about Jesus. They ended up talking for 1 hour! And Chris accepted Christianity for himself! WOW~! THANK GOD!
Chris wrote back to me, hurt by my words and actions, but willing to still be with me in the long run. He believes Satan was trying to make me give up on the relationship. I mean, so many well-meaning Christians were telling me that I should break up with him. And I myself thought I was doing the right thing to break up with him. Turns out we should not break up, but just take a break!
I need to be patient as we are on this break, because both me and Chris can use this in between time to seek after God and grow more. I need to hold my tongue and stop being so quick to jump to conclusions.
I need to be patient as we are on this break, because both me and Chris can use this in between time to seek after God and grow more. I need to hold my tongue and stop being so quick to jump to conclusions.
Chris feels that the fact that he is my 8th boyfriend and we were together on the 8th anniversary of my bipolar disorder onset, and the fact that in Chinese 8 is a lucky number too, maybe this is also a sign from God that were were meant to be together.
In my opinion I don't care about the number but I am starting to think I should rewatch the movie The Adjustment Bureau. Because I am taking people's words way too seriously. I thought I was doing the right Christian thing by breaking up with Chris, when in fact there is such a thing called a grey area and such a thing called interaction between human choice and God's plan. God can work with your choices, not dictate everything you do.
In my opinion I don't care about the number but I am starting to think I should rewatch the movie The Adjustment Bureau. Because I am taking people's words way too seriously. I thought I was doing the right Christian thing by breaking up with Chris, when in fact there is such a thing called a grey area and such a thing called interaction between human choice and God's plan. God can work with your choices, not dictate everything you do.
The movie Adjustment Bureau showed this lesson.
PLUS... the end scene of The Adjustment Bureau was filmed on Rockefeller Tower, one of the destinations that me and Chris went to in New York. Connecting the dots here? Signs from God!
The Bible does NOT say "See it, then believe it." The Bible says "Believe it, then you will see it." I have believed in my relationship with Chris but others did not. When I was with him, I felt that God gave me many signs that I should be with him, that he was meant to follow me to Montreal... many signs such as the fact that Boston Pizza when we went there happened to have a Montreal boxer on TV that won, such as the fact that I saw many Quebec license plates of other cars while I was in Chris's car...
Most coincidentally of all, on the boat ride in New York, me and Chris were surrounded by a tour group of people from Quebec. I could hear their accent. What are the chances that the one night that me and Chris went on the boat ride, the boat would be filled with Quebecers?
You believe what you want to believe, and you will see what you want to see, but at the end of the day, there are too many coincidences for there not to be a God. God is the God of so called coincidences... or rather, signs and miracles.
You believe what you want to believe, and you will see what you want to see, but at the end of the day, there are too many coincidences for there not to be a God. God is the God of so called coincidences... or rather, signs and miracles.
I believe it was a miracle that God answered Chris's prayer and he ended up talking to the Korean missionary. I believe it was a blessing for me to know Chris, and the New York trip being a healing trip for me where I regained a lot of lost memories that were erased by my bipolar disorder. I felt that the first time around, God wanted me in New York to show me many things, but 2 weeks ago, God cancelled my plane flight because He wanted to show CHRIS many things.
It will all work out! Just like the Bible verse Romans 8:28... "In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to His purpose".
I'm so happy today! I didn't even sleep yesterday and I'm still so energetic! I know God is working in my life! YAYYYYYY Praise God!
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