Final Acceptance

The sun is shining bright today. I ate pizza and chicken wings today. I met up with my friend Kathy today to pray, read the Bible, and talk about life. All are things I can be thankful for. I don't feel the pressure of exams, although I will study after writing here, but I have just come to accept that stress about school marks isn't going to help me with what I have to face in terms of my health.

Yesterday, I was ready to die. I felt like, if I died now, I would be ready to accept it. Even better, it would be okay if I died on Sunday. Because then I would have been able to teach the Sunday Children's Worship kids one last time, and then I could die. Sound morbid? Well, it's not always good to think about these things. But I was thinking about it last night because right now, I am ready to accept anything life throws at me.

And it's not that I am going to kill myself, or am thinking of hurting myself. NO, it is totally different. It's about accepting my lot in life, giving up all control to God. It started with me experiencing problems with my left jaw, my left side of the body, more tiredness, and more depression ( I cried a lot when I thought of all the people in my life and how much I love them or how much certain people hurt me, everything ... thank God for my friend Vino who was there for me last night). Turns out it's a possible side effect of Yaz the birth control pill, which was supposed to be the medicine for my period problem.

So you see, a solution to a problem ended up giving me a problem. And also, the paper the pharmacist gives me says that if I experience these symptoms "left jaw pain, pain or weakness in the left side of the body, tiredness, depression..." I should call the doctor IMMEDIATELY.

I was like, ok. I might be getting a blood clot (and yes, Yaz is known in the media for cases of that) and I'm ready to go to the hospital now. I'm ready to accept any fate that's gonna come upon my health right now because there's no use crying or stressing anymore about my problems since God is going to allow these problems anyway. I accept it! And I feel at peace. It doesn't mean I'm gonna just let myself rot to death right now, I'm still gonna try and take care of myself, but I'm not gonna stress about it or ask why.

Cuz I know why. God "promised" me in 2006 that I would have a lot of problems all throughout my life, even more problems than the average person I would know in my circle of friends. If you're going to serve God as a Christian leader you can't avoid this. It's to mold you into a better person. It's to humble you, shape you, train you to be mature and stand the tests of life and the devil.

So yah, instead of being nervous on the roller coaster, I'm just going to laugh and enjoy the ride! I can laugh and say, geez, wow, life is pretty bad, and I'm still at peace! I'm still satisfied and thankful! WOW! And I can be like, one day down the road, I can use this suffering experience to help others in their suffering. I would know how they feel and I would be able to help them better! COOL!

I cried too much earlier this week. Time for me to laugh. Just like Ecclesiastes 3 in the Bible says:

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What does the worker gain from his toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on men. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. ¹³ That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.