Acknowledging

Yesterday (Friday) I went to Spiritual Direction (it's something where I sit down with my friend who's learned how to help people find direction with God, using prayer, chatting, and reflection). I went several times in the past and it helped me greatly.

This time, I went in kind of grumpy. I was grumpy because I felt like lately, it's been way too many confusing things happening and I didn't know what was God's voice anymore. I don't want to repeat what happened this month, but I told my friend and he asked me questions...

Sometimes his questions are the same. And I sometimes don't really know how to answer them but they sure make me think. For example, he asks me, "Where do you think God is in all this?" and usually I would give the answers like "God is watching over me, God is still around, He's still there for me" you know, typical right answers. But he really challenges me saying, well I know you know that in your brain but do you know that in your heart?

And honestly I don't know anymore. I don't feel like God is answering many of my questions and the suffering is starting to be really hard to bear. I'm not talking about the suffering that comes from just unanswered prayers but just in general life has been CRAZY.

I'm starting to feel anti-social, that's how much I'm affected, and my bipolar is going crazy too, one minute I'd be okay, and I walk into the next room and it's a whole different feeling. I always wish for someone to be there for me, but at the same time, I don't want too many people because somehow noise gets amplified in my ears and I start to get tired, I can't even stand. It's psychological.

And my friend who is helping me with spiritual direction suggested I should just acknowledge my feelings and acknowledge my expectations of God and be honest to God about them, don't worry about giving the right answer or being afraid to let it out...

And you know what? I'm SAD! I'm ANGRY! I feel tempted to blame God for my problems, saying that He started it and all I can do is accept it and it's not fair. Other people get a happy life, why can't I? The kinds of worries I have, many many people don't even know exist!

I pretended for a while to be accepting of everything that life throws at me, but you know what? If you throw me lemons, I just want to throw them back at you, I don't want to make lemonade. Making lemonade gives me worse eczema by the way, I would have to use gloves.

I know when I look back, God had spoken to me a lot. My friend helped me realize that. But it's weird how right now, I don't recognize his voice anymore. Is it my fault? Or is this a test or something? It's like I think God is speaking to me, and I get my hopes up about something in my life, and then all of a sudden, POW it's gone. It happens over and over. It happened with SCSU Students and Equity, it happened with whether I should take the church outreach job, it happened with whether I am going on Quebec volunteer missions or not, and these are not just positions, these were things I wanted to serve God with, so what's wrong with wanting to serve God?

My friend said that maybe God wants me to just rest. I can understand that. I do need rest and relaxation. And getting to know God without work. But I'm jealous, I guess.

I'm jealous because I feel left out. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. To think you could be part of something bigger only to be left behind. And I especially feel that with the Quebec missions trip, because while everyone at church is fundraising for my dear friends' missions trips, and are praying for them, no one knows that Martine is still waiting on the Quebec organization to tell her how to sign up.

Do you know how much effort it took to even just convince my mom that it would be safe for me to go? And I was so excited about it too. I LOVE Quebec. I'm French Asian. And I wanted to use my gifts to help people. What's so wrong about that?

And why do I have to go through all this crap during exam period? I deferred an exam (the reason why is stupid, all my fault), I had to go to the police to deal with the sexual assault issue, had a relationship problem (not with Adrian), had to go to stupid appointments with the doctor, got side effects from the stupid birth control pill that was supposed to make me feel better, and had to deal with all that job limbo.

I guess I feel a little better now that I let it all out. I don't think all my tears are let out yet. It's funny, I am teaching the kids at church tomorrow about being slow to anger. I wonder if I am a good example. I guess I'll just have to be patient with the kids tomorrow, make sure I don't scream my head off if that little smart kid decides to rebel.

:S SIGH.