Je viens de finir un de mes derniers examens

(English translation to follow)

Je viens de finir un de mes derniers examens. Un autre et c'est fini. C'est ironique que maintenant je connais plus au sujet de l'histoire du Quebec qu'au sujet de l'histoire de l'Ontario. A cause de mon cours de FREB22 (Societe et Culture du Quebec). C'est aussi ironique que je suis a Toronto en train d'etudier a propos du Quebec quand ce serait plus pratique de VIVRE au Quebec et apprendre encore plus.

Mais j'ai recu 85% pour ma redaction, je suis tres contente. Ma redaction a propos de la langue populaire du Quebec chez les jeunes. Ah, que le Quebec me manque!

Un de mes seuls liens au Quebec c'est le facebook de mon ami Matthieu Charest. Il est un ami tres politique, drole et interessant. Je ne comprends pas bien son accent, non plus. Il parle veritablement le Quebecois.

Un autre examen, et c'est fini. Fini mes jours ici a UTSC. Est-ce une bonne chose? Peut-etre. Est-ce que ce campus va me manquer? Peut-etre. Mais je suis tres excitee a propos de Tyndale. J'etais si excitee que je ne pouvais pas vraiment concentrer sur mes etudes cette semaine...

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I just finished one of my last exams. One more and its done. It's ironic that right now I know more about the history of Quebec than the history of Ontario. Because of FREB22 (Society and Culture of Quebec). It's also ironic that I'm learning about it while living in Toronto, whereas I could be living in Quebec and learning so much more.

But I got 85% for my essay, I'm very happy. My essay on the popular language of Quebec in young people. Oh how I miss Quebec!

One of my only links to Quebec right now is my friend Matthieu Charest. He is a very political, funny, and interesting friend. I don't really understand his accent. He really speaks Quebecois.

One more exam, and it's done. Done with my days at UTSC. Is it a good thing? Maybe. will I miss this campus? Maybe. But I am very excited about Tyndale. I was so excited that I didn't really concentrate on my studying this week...

Missing Quebec

Quebec is my dream. I really want to live and work there in the future. Originally I felt that this passion was from God and that meant that I should become a Pastor in Montreal or something in the future. Now I don't know anymore...

because my spoken French isn't even that good. And there is so much going on in Toronto: ministries, friendships, family... how am I supposed to leave all of that?

I was talking to Sam a bit today and he said that sometimes you have a dream but God wants someone else to accomplish that dream, kind of like how David in the Bible wanted to build the temple but God wanted his son to do it. Sam said, "Sometimes we have dreams but maybe it's to inspire others or maybe it's for us, we just have to follow God and see" (something like that)

Today I was very sad because I missed Quebec. It sounds stupid, I know, but I was crying for a good while about it, because my sister got this 5-week trip acceptance to the Explore program in Quebec and she might not even take it, whereas when I applied, I didn't get accepted and now I probably will never have the chance to go. It's the one thing I regret most about my university career, not going to Explore.

MY SPOKEN FRENCH SUCKS!!!! And I have no time to practice it, cuz I'm so busy with so many English-speaking and Chinese-speaking ministries!!!

:(

Don't worry, I'm not bitter, I'm just stating the facts. I don't regret joining softball, helping out at church, or doing all the things I'm doing for Arabic church and Grace church. It's just I wish somehow there was more time so I could also go to Quebec and learn more French. SIGH.

Don't worry, I'm ok. I just needed to let it all out. God knows best. And I trust in His timing and His plan.

I just don't have the words to say. It's just overwhelming to know that your friend could have died two days ago, and right now he's not answering your phone call, he's not online, and you can't go to his place to check on him.

I finished my 20-page essay today but it's like a part of me is not at peace because this friend could be trying once again to end his life but I cannot be there for him anymore.

Sorry to talk about all this depressing stuff here.

I'm gonna go on a diet :( :( :( So sad. And no, I'm not turning anorexic. It's just that my fat accumulates in my belly and it's gotten to the point where it's embarrassing. If I'm not wearing a baggy shirt then you will think that I am 4 months pregnant. It's that bad.

I didn't even eat that many extra junk food these days. In fact, I have eaten almost NO junk food lately. Almost. I ate a Junior Chicken from McDonald's today. But I was really hungry!!!!!

I hate how my medicine makes me gain weight and on top of that, it makes me have a big appetite. From now on, I'm going to eat less meat, eat more vegetables, eat less sugary stuff, and eat until I"m only 70 % full. I will stay hungry for the whole day and night for all I care.

I can't even look good in my dresses anymore. There's only one dress I can look good in now, and it's the one that hides the belly. All the other ones, if I wear it you will DEFIITELY think I'm pregnant, or worse, I won't even fit in the dress.

I don't know how this can happen, I didn't even eat chocolates or chips lately. :(

I look more pregnant than my friend who is actually pregnant. UGH!!!!!

HORRIBLE. My friend wants to have an abortion. I really don't know what to say but I feel like this is just horrible. We can say that the baby will go straight to heaven but it is still a potential life just gone.

And to top it off, I found out from my mom that my grandma used to not only be a midwife doctor helping people deliver babies in China, but that she also used to do a lot of abortions as well. How many little potential lives did my grandma kill? I just can't believe it.

All this stuff happening right when I have two major papers due. These days when I wake up in the morning I just want to stay in bed. My papers are going so slow that it's like slower than a snail. I've never had so much trouble writing essays before.

Last week when I went with my friend to the clinic I was able to stay calm. But now I am starting to feel horrible, because she wants to have an abortion and I feel like there's nothing I can do. I can suggest that she just have the baby and give it up for adoption but it's harder than it sounds.

I'm starting to feel quite affected by this situation. And there's nothing anybody can do about it. :(

All this mixed up with nonstop church responsibilities (which I enjoy, but it does still mean that I have less time for essay-writing) and wondering what the heck I am doing next summer and what the heck am I supposed to do next year in terms of job. SO OVERWHELMING RIGHT NOW!!!!! :S

SIGH. God help us.

Random thoughts, or maybe, not so random.

I have a lot to share but they seem to be coming into my brain in random spurts. First of all, yesterday I watched the movie "Adjustment Bureau" and it made me think about fate and free will. I wrote in my personal journal and I think I sort of know what I believe about fate and free will now. Long story short, life is more complicated than human brains can explain, and what happens to one person may be fate while if the same or similar thing happens to another person, it may be chance or free will.

This fate and free will thing made me think about what happened with Adrian and my thoughts about Andrew. With Adrian I think it was fate that we met, fate that we went out together, and fate that we broke up. But the reason why we broke up was part of free will, because I did what I did and I don't think it was God's will, it was my choice. I know I might not be making sense to you right now, and you can feel free to ask me another day. It's a complex theory.

With Andrew, I don't know whether fate or free will is gonna play into it, but looks like Andrew isn't showing any interest in me as far as I know so I'm gonna see if fate will bring us together or not in the future. I actually prayed more than once that Andrew would be the one for me, but God can decide whether or not this is gonna happen. If I force it to happen out of free will (by the way, it can only happen if Andrew also wants it to happen out of his free will too), then I might miss out on God's plan for me, UNLESS God changes His mind or decides to change His plan due to the fact that I chose something different from what He planned. Sound complicated? It's all clear to me now, maybe it will become clear to you sometime or another.

Overall, I still want to follow God's perfect plan. I don't wanna do something that God doesn't want me to do, like choose something that is not part of His plan. But that begs the question: What is His plan? Well, to be honest with Andrew I don't know. Even Andrew doesn't know where he's going in terms of life path/career so we cannot figure anything out even if he does happen to like me. I'll just have to wait and see.

Today in class someone mentioned something in their presentation that made me think of Adrian again. Then my sister, when I came home, told me she accidentally broke my camera and then I thought about how Adrian helped me buy that camera. I was sad and cried a little because of all the memories that sprung up about Adrian but I was ok after I focused on doing some work. I feel like work helps keep me on track.

Maybe that's why I like searching and applying for jobs so much. I feel like there is some sense of purpose or I'm doing something useful or something I like to do. I like to work. Not necessarily write essays, but I like to work. I'm a doer, I join tons of different things to keep me busy, making a difference, and productive(Aaron must be saying: Hey! I'm the same!)

But these days I'm not workaholic. I might be searching-for-a-job-aholic (addicted to searching and applying to jobs) but I am not workaholic. I am sleeping a lot and generally getting enough rest, and I'm not even working that much compared to last semester.

For a while, I didn't have strong feelings for Andrew anymore because I was focused on school and work and volunteering. In fact, the feelings dissipated so much that I said to myself I'd be fine if I stayed single for the rest of my life. But yesterday I found myself once again praying that Andrew would be the one. But at the same time, I prayed for him to be able to be with the girl he loves/wants, even if it's not me.

I look forward to going up Mont Royal at Montreal this summer. I have a feeling that God will say something to me when I look down at the city of Montreal. Of course, God can speak to me anywhere, but I have a feeling He will tell me something when I go up that mountain.

I know all this talk about God, free will, and fate may seem very abstract or strange. But for me it's a living reality and I feel like I need to figure out more of it in order to live my life better... Sort of. I don't have to figure it ALL out, but I want to figure out more stuff about God and life and all that.

Alright, I think I'm going to go do some research right now. Talk to you guys later! Thanks for caring, reading, and being there for me.

Rediscovering myself

This week has been overall a really good week. Just yesterday the toddlers (Mandarin Children's Fellowship) went REALLY WELL. Thank God! Just when I thought that toddlers was not my thing, I realized that it really depended on whether the kids were having a good or bad day, not necessarily related to my ability to help them. And Jennifer encouraged me saying I am indeed gifted in Children and Youth.

I still wonder though if I am still as gifted in children as I was before. I feel myself not doing as well in Children's ministry as I am doing in Youth ministry at the moment. But then again, it also depends on the kids and how well they know me and how responsive they are.

I feel like my calling is towards youth because it's the critical age where a lot of them are discovering their identities, trying new things, and facing issues such as rejection, isolation, peer pressure, suicidal thoughts, and other stresses and pressures. I feel that as a result of these needs I want to be there as a role model and help them through these stages.

Plus, I don't feel as if I have a lot of creativity, which is what little kids need. Anyway, this year I will test out the waters and see where I'm gifted at and how things go. I was considering not helping out with toddlers after this year's contract ends but maybe maybe maybe it's not so bad after all??? In any case, this is a training and testing year for me, to discover myself and my talents and gifts.

:)