the inner Martine

I wish I could write something inspiring to you right now, but I'm just feeling crappy this morning. It's one of those mornings where you wonder if anything you did was worth anything. Was it worth it to miss Emotion class last week? Was it worth it to sign up to help with Teens Conference when my relationship with God was also not steady? Was it worth it to rush everywhere the past few weeks but neglect morning prayer and Bible reading?

I always had the mottos "Keep God the centre and everything will come together" and "If you are too busy to pray about the things you are busy about, you are simply too busy". I think I basically failed at both this semester.

My values are founded upon God, and the things I do come from the values that God taught me. I also am very enthusiastic about serving in Christian fellowship/Alpha. So I'm not just faking stuff. I still pray, just on the go, like on the bus or very quick prayers before I go to sleep or as I am walking to school. Sometimes I pray longer when I am with others (just easier to stay concentrated) or other times when others are praying I find my mind drifted off to some other thing and I feel guilty after.

Yeah, I'm being very honest here, the transparent Martine. I was just reading 1 Corinthians 13 again, where it says,

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails.

Usually we read this as a reminder of what love is and how our love should be towards others. But yesterday I thought to another verse where it says that God is love. So if I changed all the words "love" to "God" in the above passage, you will get a different effect...

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not GOD, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not GOD, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not GOD, I gain nothing.

GOD is patient, GOD is kind. GOD does not envy, GOD does not boast, GOD is not proud. GOD is not rude, GOD is not self-seeking, GOD is not easily angered, GOD keeps no record of wrongs. GOD does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. GOD always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

GOD never fails.
---
Lately I haven't prayed for my friends as much as I should. Family or Adrian either. I feel very sorry. I think that really it means nothing if I do all these things but don't put God first in my life. After all, He is the one who can REALLY make a difference. Not me. The difference I make is only by His power working through me. I am an instrument of His peace.

It's almost Chinese new year. In fact, it falls on Valentine's day this year with Family day coming right after. I really hope this Chinese new year will be better than the last. The last was torture, for reasons I wish I could forget.

Seems like the past follows me around. I try to forget about it but it is like a shadow, you cannot really get rid of it until nighttime when you are sleeping. I don't know if I told you, but I am actually becoming quite "famous" without me even wanting to. The Varsity is doing a great job of writing about the SCSU, and I'm going to be in the articles (yes, they interviewed me). I'm always at the library, and people usually ask me things about last week, even when I'm supposed to be working. I had to try and turn away questions today.

I know they all mean well, but usually it always happens the same way... People ask me how my campaign is going or say that they heard what happened. They ask why am I out of the elections or why I got disqualified. Then they have this really disappointed/sad/angry look on their face and say that it sucks or it's horrible. They may ask whether I tried to fight it or if they can do anything to help. I try to tell them it's over and that I'm moving on. They tell me, don't worry there's going to be something better for you or that God has a plan and it just wasn't his plan. They may ask me what I will do or if I would run again. I nod and smile and try to end the conversation.

This happens roughly 10-20 times a day.

Anyway, I just hope that I don't lose that smile. I just started to get nervous and anxious when one particular friend reacted in a way that was very upset-looking.

----

Dear God,

Today I was wondering if because I didn't put You first this semester, I didn't get a chance to finish running in the elections. Or if maybe you wanted me to finish reading the Bible before Sept. 2011 so that I could be ready for Bible seminary, and you knew that if I got going with VP S+E, I would as usual do Bible/prayer on the go.

These days I have been forgetting a lot of things. I just want to stop double booking myself with so many random things. I feel stressed... about this weekend. 3 things going on and I don't know how to schedule it.

Most of my prayers are worries aren't they? I hardly give any space for You to speak. I'm pretty much spiritually hard-of-hearing right now I think. It's just hard for me to know which voice is You now. I know, it's that bad cuz I haven't talked with You enough. When I settle down and wait for Your answer, I soon start worrying or sleeping or I hear absolutely nothing or I hear my family downstairs having such a wonderful conversation without me which is what usually happens.

Mike said that it's too bad I couldn't run for VP S+E because I "would have turned the whole school around". That's really nice of him. I'm sorry I failed. And I know my friends are gonna say I didn't fail and all that but I just think I did because of what I was trying to say at the beginning of this post.

Right now my brain is hurting... Another shower of tears this morning because of some other stupid issue and I'm gonna go to see Juan soon to talk about all this crap... hopefully she'll be able to help me. Anyway... my brain is gonna start talking random stuff if I don't stop now so I will just say GOD PLEASE REDEEM ME!

I thank You in Jesus name, Amen.
---------------

Sorry for my messed-up-ness, friends!