beautiful songs that reflects my heart for Jesus

Feeling much much much better

Dear friends,

I went through a dark time earlier this week, but thank God Tues. night I talked to Ada and Jen, and slept, and the next day (wed) I felt pretty much back to normal.  I also decided to quit the Tyndale student council, because I felt it wasn't right for me to do "God's work" but not have enough time to spend with God.  (ironic!)

So instead of going to the Tyndale student council meeting today, I submitted my resignation and instead went to the gym, submitted my osap documents, and went to the Lovesick conference.

The Lovesick conference was deeply meaningful. The conference had a goal of bringing people back to being in love with Jesus, spending quality time with Him instead of being busily distracted by life's craziness.  We sang a lot, prayed, and listened to a message.  You have to be there to know what I'm talking about.  During the singing and musical worship, I felt as if I was getting a glimpse of heavenly sounds, I closed my eyes and saw Jesus there, holding my hand at the altar and inviting me to be his bride.  I felt very close to Jesus again, and I was joyful.  I swayed to the music, as if I was dancing with him.  You may think I'm crazy but it was a wonderful experience.

I asked Jesus to help me love him more and not get distracted by guys anymore.  I told him I wanted to commit myself totally to him and really live out what my purity ring and Jesus engagement ring really mean.  I told him I needed his help to stay focused on him and to be a single woman after God's own heart.

Tonight's message was about how loving God isn't about a feeling, it's about obeying his commands.  You can't say you love God truly if you don't obey, for example if you have not forgiven someone but you do a lot of church work, you aren't really loving God on His terms, because you are just doing work, you didn't even follow the command of forgiving someone.

Tomorrow I plan to go again to the evening session.  The topic is supposed to be "Spiritual violence" so we'll see what they have to say, should be interesting. I'll let you guys know what I learn. :)

Thanks to those who prayed for me and thought of me.  It really helps.  :)  Take care everyone and God bless you :)

Letter to myself

Dear Martine,

You're in a lot of pain.  You're just denying it.  You are trying to cover the pain by being busy, going everywhere, helping others, spending time with friends, but you are not addressing the real issue here.  You are sad.  You miss Alana and you regret not seeing her before she left for her heavenly home.  You also regret not seeing Mr. Kumar at the hospital, because you thought he would get better but he ended up in a fatal coma.

You are lonely.  Once again, you feel like as a leader you need to be strong for others, and you are reaching out to others but not getting the comfort you need from friends.  You text people, asking for prayers, you write vague comments on facebook that hints at your pain, but no one notices.  Only a few do, actually, and even then they are not too sure how to help you because you are hiding your pain, you don't know how to express it so that they can help.

You regret not being there at 4 of your friends' funerals this year.  One after the other, you feel like someone else is going to die soon and who is next?  You want to spend time with your family because they might die soon too, who knows.  But once again work gets in the way and you skipped out on the family trip yesterday and today.

Last Friday you hung onto Christos for comfort once again.  It seemed like he was the only one who texted back saying at least something about the loss of your friends.  Thuy cheered you up on Thursday and the Chester Le event cheered you up on Saturday, but Sunday the pain returned.

You need to cry.  Don't hold it in.  You need to grieve.

I think you're scared to grieve because you feel like you need to be strong and be there for everybody.  It's ok to be weak.  It's OK to feel sad.  Don't try to go for quick fixes again by going to guys.  It's only going to leave you more empty.

You made the right decision to quit the Tyndale student council.  You need time off.

Stop eating junk food to numb the pain.  You are just going to make yourself unhealthy.  Remember how Jesus dealt with his pain? He wept and he prayed.

So please Martine, don't be afraid to cry it out, as much as you want.  Pray to God and tell Him honestly how you feel.

Tired

Eyes tired from crying, brain and body tired from lack of sleep
Seems like work has no end, wish I didn't have to tutor
Outreach and church is keeping me happy and going
but at the same time it ironically takes time away from
personal time with Jesus

I want to eat junk food, to make myself feel better
I want to quit the gym, I'm too busy to go anyway
Many commitments left hanging
such as promises to meet up with certain friends

Such a morbid thought but what if I died today?
Would I be able to leave it all behind
or would there be friends left hanging and questions unanswered?
Tired. Tired. Tired.

 

Dear God

Once again I come to you broken, in tears, I'm sorry I ran from You and tried to find satisfaction and happiness in something else, I'm sorry I let my guard down and fell into temptation.  God, I don't deserve Your love and yet You still welcome me.  I don't deserve to be a leader yet you choose the weak to lead your flock because You give me strength.

God, I have become so busy once again that I lost sight of You.  My schedule fills up so quick I have no extra time for family trips and not enough concentration during prayer.  God I really want a deep love relationship with You.  I'm so broken right now I need Your healing once again.

Please help me realize once and for all that You are always enough for me, and that nowhere in this world can I find a greater joy than in You.

In memory of Alana (poem)

Age difference didn't stop us from being friends,
what connected us was the blood of Christ,
and a random series of events that led us
both to Grace Gospel Church.

You were lonely, in need of company
It was unfortunate that you lived so far
and farther still from public transportation
but I'm thankful that I was able to visit you

Even though it was just that one time.

Seeing you at church made me smile,
but as your health grew worse,
you came less and less,
and I wondered if you were going to be OK

Now you're gone, and my promise was left unfulfilled
I told you I would visit you again
Unfortunately that never happened
I wonder if you thought we forgot about you

I know you're safe in God's arms now
in a place where there is no more pain
I know one day I will see you again
and this time you would be healthy

God knows what you went through
and He knew you needed His company
And for the rest of us, we learned a lesson
to never again think we are too busy to care
or too busy to show love

Time is precious, you don't know when is your last day
You don't know if that is the last time you will see that person
Treasure each moment and don't ever take each other for granted
Love much, and laugh much

I'll always remember you.

(post written yesterday, just had no internet at that time)

Hello everybody.  Right now it is Sunday 5:25pm and I am on the bus leaving Gaspe and going to Montreal, there we will switch bus and go to Toronto.  Total of 21 hour bus ride but it is worth it because it is first of all cheaper and most of all you get the scenic route near the ocean right now, the bus is literally driving along the Cliffside, one side is the mountain and the other side is the cliff going down to the water.  Craziness!

This trip is probably the best trip I have ever been on in my life.  Even though not everything worked out as it was planned, God had better plans and helped make sure we were safe and comfortable and happy.  Let me explain.

First of all, you know me, I am very organized and like to plan things to the dot so we make sure we don’t get lost, stuck in the middle of nowhere or have trouble with transportation.  I researched everything on the internet, called the hostel in advance and asked a million questions, booked the whale watching, seal watching, etc.

However, once we got to Gaspe and got our rental car we drove back and forth and even with the GPS we could not find the hostel.  It was as if the hostel was a ghost one or something.  Later on we found it but that was after Selena and I decided to screw it and just sleep in the car for the two nights we would be in Gaspe.  Sleep in the car??? Yes, sleep in the car.  Where would we shower??? Well thank God we found a beach where there were free showers and thank God those washrooms were open 24/7, clean, had good showers and changerooms.  We slept in the car and it was actually alright.

In fact, sleeping in the car had its advantages.  Not only did we save money (cuz the hostel ended up not charging us since we didn’t go), we saved time (the hostel was pretty far away from downtown Gaspe), and we got to see stars at night (saw shooting stars!) and see the sunrise this morning, with the perfect sun rising above the perfect mountains.  I say perfect because I literally felt like this was so beautiful, not a flaw in God’s design of the wonderful nature.  I was willing to freeze my body off for this view.  Yes, it was freezing cold and I didn’t bring enough clothes to wear watching the sunrise. I saw other people wearing winter coats and me just wearing a club top (yeah don’t judge me) with leggings, flip flops and a cardigan.  Yikes!  But I am feeling fine, not sick or anything, once again thank God.

I have to tell you, I was extremely extremely worried about my phone battery dying and not having access to internet.  This was because usually our phones were our GPS and these roads were extremely confusing.  And my stupid phone’s GPS usually doesn’t work without internet.  But lo and behold, for some reason every single restaurant we went to for lunch or dinner had a VERY CONVENIENT electricity plug, RIGHT BESIDE WHERE WE WERE SITTING FOR LUNCH/DINNER.  I believe there are too many coincidences for there not to be a God.  Seriously.  We never ran out of battery and for some miraculous reason my GPS which usually doesn’t work without internet in Toronto, worked in Gaspe!  I could see where we were going on my phone!

We were at first disappointed that we could not see the whales and the seals (whales boat canceled because of too much fog and seals kayaking canceled because of too much wind) but we are not complaining because we still got to see so much.  Since we did not go to the whales boat we ended up hiking a trail to a beautiful waterfall.  Also, instead of the seals watching we went to the beach, saw a lighthouse, picked up some hitchhikers who needed a lift (wow they were walking on the highway for so long), and went downtown for the nightclub.

Now before you say “Martine in a nightclub?” Please understand that I don’t like clubbing in Toronto.  Never been and never will.  Not even in Montreal.  Selena who is a frequent clubber tells me that in big cities guys come up to you and touch you and grab you or grind against your butt. I don’t like that.  Also the people start fights and throw up on the floor or put the broken glass on the floor.  Hate that.  Seen glimpses of that in Niagara Falls and Charlottetown, PEI which aren’t even that big of cities.

But for some reason I had a good feeling about this Gaspe nightclub and that weekend there was the music festival downtown so everyone pretty much went to the music festival instead of the nightclub.  In small towns like Gaspe they actually have live rock bands play music at the nightclub so it was more of a concert performance first of all with drinks, and also since that night it was deserted, literally not more than 15 people total at the whole nightclub, we got to meet this really nice girl named Vicky.

Vicky had a Guns and Roses shirt and Selena really loved that band so she just randomly told her she likes Guns and Roses too.  (it is a rock band) Then we started up a conversation and turns out Vicky is studying social work and hoping to become a charity worker in a foreign country.  Amazing cuz she said she just signed up to sponsor a girl in Thailand through Plan (I think it’s Because I Am A Girl organization in French) and she wanted to correspond with her.

I told her that if she wants to become a foreign aid worker it would be best she learn English and I offered to keep in contact with her so that she could write me from Gaspe and she could practice her English.  I also told her that I also have a sponsored daughter and she was happy to hear that.  Honestly she is just a super nice person that I met.  She didn’t even flinch when I said I wanted to be a pastor, she said “that’s fun!” totally not a reaction I expected.  Usually Quebec people are against religion and against female pastors even if they are religious so this was new and comforting J

Now other than going to the places I mentioned we also saw a big crazy rock formation in the middle of the ocean called the Perce Rocher (Perce is the city name and Rocher means rock formation).  It took us forever to get there, going up and down curvy roads along the cliff and mountain , thanks to Selena and her safe driving skills as well as God protecting us from accidents.  By the way she only has a G2, not a G.  Yikes!  HAHA but the Perce Rock was really worth seeing, really beautiful, just can’t describe it, you have to see the pictures or go there yourself.

Now on to the craziest part of my trip.  This part of my trip, I was totally not expecting it to be dangerous or life threatening but it was and I was scared , terrified, and literally praying for dear life.  This activity is called “canyoning” in Gaspe.  Seriously the website made it look very safe and didn’t tell me I had to jump down cliffs and slide down waterfalls, as well as climb up sides of cliffs with slippery rocks, swim against the current all the while holding on to my stupid glasses which would have gotten swept away by the river if I was not careful.  Craziness.  

YES I DID IT, I jumped down a cliff into the water, I slid down 3 waterfalls, I climbed up cliffs, MAN THOSE PEOPLE MADE IT LOOK SO EASY I was the last one to arrive at anything cuz I was crazy scared of slipping, I mean I had their special shoes with grip but I still slid on the mossy rocks countless times and was losing grip on the cliff. There is NO SAFETY BELT GUYS and swimming with glasses in your hands is not always convenient!

Selena was really brave and really good at it but me? Oh my gosh I was relying on the tour guides to save me.  One of the scary parts was diving down to the rushing water and grabbing on to the ever-moving ladder at the side of the cliff, all the while holding my glasses, trying to put my glasses back on while in the water and holding the ladder, and trying to climb up.  I felt like I had zero strength, maybe I need to do more pushups and weight lifting cuz the tour guide had to boost me up and the other tour guide pulled me up , otherwise I would have been stuck in the ladder forever.

On the way back I once again had to slide down a bumpy waterfall rapids thing and the hard part was I did not want my glasses to get scratched so I only had one hand to hold on to the “floor” which was the bumpy rocks below my butt.  Since I was holding one hand up with my glasses and the other hand on the floor, the current was so strong that I was basically unbalanced and I tumbled down the waterfall going round in circles and almost hitting my head twice against the Cliffside.  Thank God for helmets man, we were wearing scuba wetsuits and helmets.

But the outfit itself was hard to maneuver with because the scuba wetsuit OMG made me feel like an astronaut, I couldn’t lift my up arms properly and I literally felt like falling down every second.  Maybe my fear also contributed to my weakness because I never felt my knees so weak in my entire life.  It was hard to stand up after swimming even if my feet could touch the river floor.  It was easy to get carried away in the current.  OMG.

You would think that jumping off a cliff into the water would be the scariest but actually that was the easiest.  The hardest was trying to grab rocks and go up the cliff stepping on mossy rocks.  I was so amazed at how all the others did it so easily and fast, whereas my shoes were slipping all the time and I had no strength in my arms to grab stuff.

In the middle of the canyoning trip we stopped at a humongous waterfall and at first I thought we had to climb up the cliff and slide down that one too but thank God that was just the scenic view and we turned back to go back down the river WITH the current this time so that was kind of easier.  But not really. LOL.  Still was dangerous and I was praying for dear life.

But now I can say that I did it and maybe I would do it again after I gain more strength both emotional and physical.  Don’t do it guys if you are afraid of heights or afraid of swimming.  Definitely need to be a strong swimmer to swim against the current and keep your head up cuz sometimes your feet don’t touch the ground… and um… WHY did they not tell me all this when I first looked at the website and called for reservations? I don’t know.

Don’t worry, I don’t regret it.  I think sometimes you just have to conquer your fears and trust in God and trust in yourself and most of all trust in the strong tour guides.  OMG.

Well Selena had fun (I had fun too just not as much as she did) and Selena wants to go to Europe and try even more intense canyoning (I am guessing you climb even more dangerous cliffs and more dangerous waterfalls)

I was so darn happy to shed off the scuba wetsuit after the whole trip and just relax on the bus ride.  Really that was really something.  Thank God I didn’t die!  I prayed before, during, and after the canyoning trip.  Seriously.

I am sorry that I am going on and on about Canyoning but on a scale of 1 to 100 how scary it was, I would say fear of public speaking would be a 5 for me right now, fear of bike crashes would be a 15, fear of my friends and family going to hell for eternity would be maybe a 20 and CANYONING WOULD BE 100.  YES, ONE HUNDRED it was scary, terrifying, heartbeating… makes you appreciate your life afterwards because you could have died!!!!

Oh and did I tell you I sprained my knee and pulled my leg muscle during the canyoning before I finished the canyoning trip? At one point I was afraid they would need to helicopter me out of there because for a while my right leg could NOT MOVE due to the spinning down the waterfall due to lack of balance, I had hit my leg somehow against a rock or something and it was strained. But after resting a while I was fine again and could swim and walk no problem.  MIRACLE I TELL YOU! MIRACLE~!

OK enough about canyoning.  I think I could write a whole sermon on it about how perspective is everything and how sometimes it takes trials for you to see that life is precious and you don’t need to be as scared as you are right now.  But that is the basic of the lesson I learned. So friends, don’t be afraid when trials come.  They come to test your faith and strength and if you conquer your fears and rely on the almighty power you will be absolutely fine and even laughing afterwards.

Thanks for reading my super long blog post, hope you enjoyed it and think twice about canyoning haha.  But I can show you pictures of my trip if you want, just not of canyoning due to not being able to bring a camera to the canyon (I would definitely die if I had to hold on to a camera too, WTfudge).

Hope you will have fun adventures in your own way .  Remember we are small and weak people but we have a big and powerful God.  Rely on Him and He will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6)