About Andrew again

Yesterday I wrote out all my feelings in a hypothetical letter to Andrew (not gonna send it to him) and at the end of it I realized that maybe Aaron is right. Maybe I'm not really in love with Andrew, maybe I'm just infatuated by him. My problem is that I don't know the difference between love and infatuation.

I was looking back at old conversations between me and Andrew on msn. I realize that I told him a lot about my life. I told him what happened with Adrian, with Sam, with my parents, with my bipolar disorder... but he didn't tell me a lot about his life. And also we talked about romantic relationships. And he said to me in the past that I should become close friends with someone before dating them. That gives me a better idea now about how I should not tell Andrew I like him yet. Plus it's gonna be super awkward explaining how I liked him even when I was liking Adrian and Sam.

I like Andrew from what I know of him. But I don't know very much. That's basically it.

I just read a Bible verse on a mug that encouraged me: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Philippians 4:13

This whole remember what happened last year thing seems never to end today. I just came across some pictures from my old church, people that I knew. And some of my old church people added me on facebook. And also yesterday I saw Funing from my old church, who visited my current church.

Fuzzy my guinea pig scratched me.

Sigh. I know I'm not being very encouraging right now in terms of my sharings with you but I'm just telling you how I feel.

Adrian

I had a weird dream last night that reminded me about Adrian. Well as I said yesterday, the summer camp reminded me of Adrian anyways, so I guess that's why I dreamt about it.

Remember how Pastor Ray told me that according to the Bible I should get back with Adrian since I shared my body with him? Well last week I found the verse that said that, it says basically that if a virgin sleeps with someone, then the girl should marry him. So I think that's where Pastor Ray got his reasoning. So am I going against God's law by not doing that?

It's like I can't escape Adrian. It's been almost a year since we broke up and sometimes I still feel attached to him. July 16th was when we broke up. My guinea pig was bought because I had broken up with Adrian. So as long as I have this guinea pig, somehow I will also be attached to Adrian. Because my guinea pig's birthday is close to the breakup day.

And whenever people ask me why I switched church, this will be also a reminder of what happened with Adrian. Whenever people ask me how long I've been at this church, it will also be a reminder.

I'm in a bit of a mess. I don't think I should tell Andrew my feelings because I'm still attached to Adrian in some way.

Telling Andrew

I'm really tired and wish I could take a nap. But here I am in the church children's ministry office, trying to figure out another two children's programs for tonight and tomorrow night. I really wish I didn't have to do this. I love kids, but up to a point.

And here I am really wanting to tell Andrew that I love him. But part of me tells me to wait, even though part of me wants to just email him right now to set up a good time to meet. Lillian says I should stop torturing myself and just tell him. I'm not sure what to do. I prayed about it and I know I should wait until the right time. But what is a good or right time? I don't know.

Seeing summer camp kids just now also reminded me of what happened last year, when I quit summer camp. It's not a good feeling. I'm so glad I don't need to help with summer camp anymore. I hope I never need to do summer camp ever again in my lifetime. It's so stressful and energy-demanding.

Part of me is asking myself, do I really want to be the Children's Intern for upcoming year? Or do I just want to quit? I know God told me to do it. But will I enjoy it?

I can't wait for tomorrow morning to come. Just don't want to do tonight's children's program. The kids at my day job are so much more quiet and listening. I pray that tonight will be alright.

Bonjour! (ou... bonne nuit)

Salut mes amis (Thuy en particulier!)!!!

Ce soir, je ne pouvais pas dormir. Premièrement c'est parce que j'ai dormi presque toute la journée, à cause d'une fièvre (je suis maintenant guérie). J'ai manqué l'église parce que j'avais mal à la gorge, la fièvre et j'avais mal à la tête. Merci Dieu que maintenant je suis guérie!!! Yééé!

Deuxièmement, je ne peux pas dormir parce que j'ai plein de choses dans la tête. Je pense à notre voyage à Montréal, je pense à Adrian, Jeff, Andrew et Caleb. Oui, toujours des problèmes concernant les garçons. Tu es probablement en train de te demander pourquoi je pense à 4 garçons. Ben...

Je ne sais pas pourquoi mais hier j'ai eu une pensée très bizarre. Je pensais à la question de si je pourrais encore une fois recommencer avec Adrian. Mais je pense que c'est impossible. Et même si c'était possible, ce ne serait pas une bonne idée. Adrian et moi n'ont presque rien en commun.

Aujourd'hui (ben, hier soir, puisque c'est déjà le matin), le père de Jeff est venu nous aider avec notre Internet. Il a installé un wireless router pour qu'on puisse utiliser l'internet sans tous les fils. Jeff était mon premier amour. Il va à mon ancien église, avec ses parents. Le père de Jeff est l'ami de ma mère, alors c'est pourquoi ma mère l'a laissé venir chez nous installer le router.

Alors voilà la raison pour laquelle je pensais à Jeff.

J'ai arrêté d'aimer Caleb après l'incident avec son évaluation des filles en ce qui concerne leurs apparences. Bien que je l'ai pardonné, c'était un "turn-off" pour moi alors j'ai perdu tout mes sentiments pour lui. Il est encore mon ami, mais c'est tout.

Peggy pense que moi et Andrew seraient une bonne couple. Je ne sais pas. Mais bien sûr, Andrew a beaucoup de bonnes qualités. Et c'est vrai que mes sentiments pour lui (avant, quand j'étais encore amoureux de lui) étaient beaucoup plus forts qu'avec mes sentiments pour Caleb.

Et Peggy m'a dit que Andrew va venir à Toronto en août. Quand j'ai entendu ces nouvelles, mon coeur a sauté de joie. Peut-être parce qu'une partie de moi aime encore Andrew. La seule raison pourquoi j'avais arrêté d'aimer Andrew est parce que je pensais que ce n'était pas la volonté de Dieu pour nous d'être ensemble. Je ne suis pas sûre si j'ai raison ou non, mais si Dieu me donnait le choix, je choisirai Andrew, c'est sûr. C'est à dire, je choisirai Andrew si j'avais tort à propos de la volonté de Dieu. C'est difficile à expliquer.

Summer!

I haven't written here for ages. I just finished a week of summer school at Tyndale (my new school). It was great, except for the fact that I kept falling asleep in class. The material was interesting and engaging, just that I was really tired and not used to being in class all day like in high school. Also I was not used to waking up really early to leave my house at 7am. Thuy, I feel your pain now.

This summer is really packed full of activities even though at first glance it seems like I am doing nothing (no full-time job). But I got a job with Agape Charis Learning Centre to teach elementary math and intermediate/advanced French at a summer camp in July. It's not that many hours, which is bad and good at the same time. Bad because I don't get enough money, but good because then I can focus on preaching at Arabic church as well as all the other church stuff I'm involved in.

I'm involved in a lot. Church softball, junior highs, children, Arabic church, and tutoring on the side still with Notabilia Education Centre.

And I'm spending all the extra time to meet up with people that I haven't seen in ages. I just wish I had more evenings free so I could meet up with Thuy!

You know what I did to try and keep myself awake during the last three days of summer school? I tried to eat constantly.

Feeling a little bit left out

I just found out (through facebook) that my friend Richard Tsang got married on Saturday. I feel kind of left out that I didn't know about this. I'm not mad that I wasn't invited, but I just feel a bit left out. Richard went to my old church. It seems like almost every time someone from my old church gets married, I wasn't invited. I guess they don't consider me close enough as a friend?

It's funny (not haha funny but weird) that my new friend Vivek at my new church got invited to the wedding. I guess they are closer friends. Vivek had told me on Sunday that he missed Saturday softball practice for a wedding. Little did I know that it was actually Richard and Assunta's wedding.

The only times I got invited to weddings of people from my old church was Stevenson and Grace's wedding and Sam Wong and Fiona's wedding. Stevenson and Grace's wedding was a long time ago, back when I was still in high school. And Sam Wong's wedding? I didn't go because I was holding a grudge against Sam Wong. I know, so stupid.

I don't hold that grudge anymore. Looking back, it was kind of silly why I held that grudge. I should have forgiven him. But I guess when he invited me to his wedding I felt like there was no point in going.

Leaving behind my old church wasn't easy. I still miss the people a lot and right now tears are coming up a bit as I think about it. A huge part of my identity came from that church. And it's sad that I'm so "out of it" right now that I didn't even know Richard got married.

I like my new church. But I still miss ETCBC.