I'm living in a box.

No, I didn't become homeless. But I feel like I'm living inside a box... I can only see what's going on inside my head. I only worry and pray about things that concern me. If I try to peek outside this box, I will realize that there is a family who just lost a mother. They need my prayers. If I reach beyond my box, I will see that Pakistan is flooded and needs prayers too. I will see that I have two friends who are going through very difficult struggles and they need my friendship.

I need to stop being obsessed by what I want. I need to stop thinking about my own family struggles. There's a lot of work that needs to be done. God has a job for me to do. I cannot forsake that. My job is not to dwell on my stupid obsessive emotions, it is to walk out of that stuffy box and do what I was meant for. Standing up for others, standing up for God.

Stop crouching in there, Martine, you don't belong in a box. The more you stay in the box, the more you will depress yourself.

Why are you so afraid, Martine? Why are you afraid of what people think of you? Don't you know your worth comes from God? Stand tall and remember that you are free. Remember that life is still worth living, and there's a beautiful world out there waiting for you to discover.

Who cares if you don't have privacy? Privacy is subjective. Let the world poke at you, let your family poke at you, it doesn't matter, cuz Jesus got poked by a spear for God's sake. He got no privacy, he didn't even have underwear on at the cross. And you're complaining about YOUR privacy, Martine?

Martine, the world is bigger than you and me (aka you). Start praying, start fighting. This war is not only in your head, it is in the spiritual world. You get up and put on the armor of God. Don't you dare look back. Don't you dare put your hand to the plow and look back, honey you gotta have the will to fight this year.

Be brave, Martine. Be strong. Your friends are there for you, what are you afraid of? Losing someone?

Yes, I'm afraid of losing someone. I already lost a lot of things this year. I lost my virginity, I lost my dignity, I lost my church family at ETCBC, I lost a lot of things. I lost my mind. I lost my job. I lost some friends. Thank God I still have some but it's hard. I lost my best friend Adrian and when I found a new best friend I lost him too. Well I haven't completely lost him but I lost the closeness and freedom we once had. I lost privacy. My parents can read this anytime, in fact my mom is right beside me right now and it stresses the hell out of me.

I lost my reputation at school. I know, shouldn't be that important right? Wrong. I had a good reputation, which led to being a good witness. Now, I am scared whenever I go into the Student Centre and see people I know. Yes, I live in paralysis, basically.

I wish I was as strong as you, Strong-Voice Martine. I wish honestly that I can just forget the past and move on. But they say that the past shapes who you are, good or bad. I think right now I'm just struggling to get the past to shape me into a better person. It's instead making me into a scared person. I'm scared to share things too. Because after sharing so much, people start to not believe you anymore. They see me for what happened, and they won't believe what I say.

when I say I think i've finally found the one now, they will not believe me. They don't believe me because i've already had 5 boyfriends, so this one won't be any different, is what they will believe.

This is what I mean when I say I regret. I wish I could say I don't regret, but I do.

They see how I used to be so pure, so innocent, and then they will look at what happened with Adrian and see that I was such a hypocrite. They will remember all those advice I gave them, and wonder why I didn't follow my own advice. dammit.

More than anything I need encouragement. I need people to tell me those advice I used to tell them. cuz when I talk to myself I just become crazy. I don't have the ability to encourage myself. The Bible helps but I often forget. So I need all of you, okay?

<3 Hold me now, touch me now, I don't want to live without you...

:( no privacy ever

Back to work!!!

Hello friends!

If you haven't heard already, I'm feeling a whole lot better than a couple days ago. After some time of suffering, God can make us into happier, better, and more mature people. I feel at peace with being single, although I still love Sam :) but thank God, I can still be his friend.

He's doing an internship at RHCCC (Richmond Hill Chinese Community Church) so I don't know when is the next time I can see him. But we will be fine. :)

Today I feel like getting back to work. Well, in fact, I am starting today at my new tutoring centre job. I cannot do home tutoring anymore, it stresses me out going from place to place. Hopefully this way I can feel more stable and also earn more money! I miss Josh Chan though, the guy I used to tutor at his home. I plan to call him up for ice cream or something for this weekend. :D

There's so much to do... I have to make sure this year I'm not putting classes on the back burner. I am already figuring out what books I need :) and getting them early :D But there are A LOT of books to read (2 English courses and 1 Psychology course) and with my 2 jobs (library and tutoring) and church stuff... I might just be a little pressed for time. Nothing new, haha. Martine the crazy one!

The important thing is to be organized and not to stress out. To enjoy whatever I'm doing. Enjoy school, work, volunteering, traveling on the TTC, and make the most out of my time.

I'm still looking forward to Christmas though.

Hi friends,

Yes, my life is very confusing right now so those of you who just joined the blog (Albert, Fiona, Imelda, Julie, Alcina) you guys must be kind of confused... I enabled comments now that this blog is not gonna get hacked or stormed by troublemaker commenters, so feel free to ask me any questions or comment on anything I wrote that was confusing.

Yesterday was my last singing lesson (I had 4 in total). So sad. The teacher was great but next semester will be super busy and I am kind of getting poor. Singing lessons cost like 40 bucks per half hour, and the registration fee was like 80 bucks. :P yikes.

This afternoon I'm gonna go to the doctor to see why my immune system is low, and also I have a job interview in the afternoon for a tutoring centre. :D I'm still working at the library this upcoming semester, so that will keep me busy every day. I know, I shall be careful not to overwork myself. But right now I'm more concerned about finances. Guinea pig costs a lot to maintain, and I still have to save up for Bible seminary.

So I'm gonna be taking 3 courses per semester, with the library job and the tutoring job :) And I'm going to be part of a women's group at my church that meets 2x a month... and trying to decide if I should join a discipleship group threesome (they have this thing at my new church where three girls can meet together once a week to keep each other accountable and pray for each other).

I know, still sounds like a lot. But at school I will just mainly be studying, not really leader in any club or whatever anymore. And the kids at church? well, they shouldn't be too hard to handle but please pray for more helpers... I don't know how many teachers we have but I'm one of the gr. 1/2 teachers and not sure who is my helper!!!

:P

These days I've been floating around in a dazed, weak mode unless when I'm with friends. I don't know why I feel so weak. Could be cuz I miss Sam Sham, could be my iron deficiency anemia (don't worry i'm taking iron supplements so it should be ok) or it could be just not enough exercise... in any case I feel too weak to do exercise sometimes... doesn't help, does it?

I'm thinking about whether I should go to Quebec next year, as in, move there for work. I don't know what I would work as, but I could possibly do a "stage" (internship, that's the French word) in a Christian organization or work as something random like at Second Cup, just so that I could learn more French and still maintain a steady income. I don't know, honestly. But I was thinking of that.

Cuz my mom says I need more work experience before I go to Tyndale. If this is really what I should do, then I don't want to stay in Toronto. It's so depressing. I want to experience living on my own and being in an environment that doesn't waste my skills. Sigh sigh sigh!

Martine

Sigh. I decided to block Sam from my facebook... I'm just too obsessed with him, I better focus on better things and also, this way, he doesn't get tempted to check out my facebook so much. Cuz I post stuff nonstop on facebook with him in mind. It will only make him confused and unfocused... he wanted time to pray and fast, and think about what he should do about me and my parents.

I know it's weird for me to say this, the girl who had 5 exes... but... I think Sam is the perfect guy for me, and I hope he will end up to be the one I am with the rest of my life. Sam Sham ok? Not another Sam.

When I look beyond the surface...

This morning something happened and I cried my head off, cried so much it was exhausting, my shoulders actually felt tired and I lay in bed so long listening to Taylor Swift. This is more than just about me and Sam. This is more than just me and my rents. (codename for two people just add "pa" to the front) It's a spiritual battle.

How do I know it was a spiritual battle? Because when I was so down, I felt like I didn't have the strength to open up the Bible, I felt like I didn't care about being a pastor anymore I just wanted to die and forget about this stupid world. I didn't care if I lied anymore, I just wanted to feel better.

I texted a bunch of people for prayers, and I'm pretty sure I sounded so depressed, crazy and angry. I probably sounded like someone ranting inside a jail cell. Anyway, at least I got people to pray for me and now I feel better. Especially after DA gave me a text message back telling me some good encouragements.

She recommended that I read up or listen to Joyce Meyer, who is a Christian lady who went thru sexual abuse and divorce. Now she is a well known speaker for women and reaches millions of people. She grew a lot out of it. In my text I said I wasn't growing, it was just unnecessary suffering but after crying it all out and seeing DA's text, I feel like she is right.

I feel that I CAN grow more mature out of this, I just can't see it happening right now. And DA also encouraged me with the fact that the devil tries to take down those who are serving God the most. Those who are trying to wreck Satan's plan.

Excuse my language but I feel like telling Satan to fuck off. I don't know if it's a sin in itself to say that but it's kind of like Jesus saying "Get behind me, Satan!" but in a modern day language hahaha.

Anyway, seeing the bigger picture helps me. I know now that I am not fighting against my rents. Satan is just trying to use my rents bad moods/words to hurt me and make me not wanna serve God anymore. I need to look on the positive side and keep pressing on. Keep reading the Bible to see the greater picture beyond what is visible to our physical eyes.

Ephesians 6

The Armor of God

¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

¹⁹Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Everything affects everything...

Today was a good day, although most of the time, I was either in the doctor's office, at the pharmacy, at the Registrar's, or going back and forth traveling between those places and home.

I like sunny days. When there is sun, I'm usually happy. My doctor had said I needed more vitamin D, so today I ate lunch outside and chased butterflies :D I tried to catch them too, on my camera. I have some beautiful photos I would love to show you sometime, or make into greeting cards using picnik.com and paper from Dollarama. hehe.

I finally got my skin medicine (my skin was getting really really bad! you don't want to see open flesh do you?), got a Hepatitis B booster shot (because my immunity was low), and discovered that I was iron deficient anemic again. I guess avoiding eating meat was not a good idea after all. Everything affects everything. My period problem made me lose iron, and my bipolar medicine made me dehydrated which made me constipated (yes, embarrassing) which made me want to eat less meat, which added to the iron deficiency.

So now, I'm gonna just drink fibre water, eat more meat and vegetables, don't care anymore if I gain weight cuz I just want to be healthy. I have to take iron pills too, with orange juice so that it can absorb better. Yeah. Everything affects everything, because the past few weeks I didn't drink orange juice or eat many fruits either. Too stressed/depressed.

Now that I'm happier, I really should get back in shape, nutrition wise and exercise-wise. What non-strenuous exercise should I do? I wish I could dance more.

Everything affects everything also in terms of life and our decisions. One bad decision and it could affect people you love or yourself. One hurtful word and someone could be cut to the heart. One encouraging word and that person could become your best friend. One hello and a barrier can be broken.

Interesting, isn't it? That everything can affect anything. I mean, those butterflies sure made me happy today, kept me company. If there weren't flowers there, the butterflies wouldn't be there either. If I didn't pray about OSAP today, maybe there could have been some problem at the Registrar and they would have sent me home AGAIN to fill more forms!

Sometimes the fact that everything affects everything/anything can scare us. Like right now, I'm just afraid I will screw up stuff with my family. I already am hyper-sensitive to where my dad moves, because I am afraid he will touch me on my bum accidentally for the 5th time this week. I know. Scary.

In any case, I would like to conclude with this wonderful thought: that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him. I know God has a great plan for all of us so even if things fail in our lives we can still rely on Him to fix it and make it better. He is the All-Powerful God.

May God bless you in everything.