Confessions of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle... I mean, Martine.

Confession 1:

1) I thought about not renewing the Children's Intern contract after next August.

I don't know, maybe I want to try something different.  Learn more things and expand my abilities to beyond children's ministry.  Have more free time to develop myself or go on missions or whatever.  But I don't know if they will be able to find someone, and I don't know what kind of opportunity is out there and whatever opportunity is out there will probably not pay me as much, so what am I going to do about tuition?

2) I watched too many youtube videos this past week.

I kept on searching up "long distance relationship" and "meeting boyfriend for first time" on youtube and watched a lot of useless videos.  I think it's a sign I miss Tommy too much but I also confess I was being lazy and trying to avoid work.

3) I am addicted to my phone at night.

When I am bored trying to fall asleep, I go on my phone internet.  And when I go on phone internet, I do useless things and end up making myself less and less sleepy because of the light from my phone.

4) this is not really a confession but I find the name Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle very funny.

5) this is also not a confession but just a statement... I miss Tommy and I love him so much!!!!

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(later)

This is about item number one.  I don't know why I'm so sensitive or fragile but I felt like crying just now and I did.  I pulled Tom into my old office, closed the door, talked and cried and prayed.  I still feel like crying a bit even now.

I often think about quitting my job.  But when I think of the children I feel like I should stay on.  This job is hard for several reasons... first of all there is a lot of work, so much work that I cannot focus completely on school.  Second of all, my supervising pastor can be very mean.  Please don't tell him I said that, I already have enough problems with him.  I know I need to learn to be humble and have a good attitude even if my supervising pastor is mean, but sometimes I just want to be prideful and fight back and give him attitude.  But I know that's not right.

I don't know, God, what should I do?  This job also does not permit me to take much vacations.  I am responsible for a lot.  I miss being around my church friends just to talk and hang out and go to service.  I miss talking with Pastor Victor.

Why did they have to lay off Tom?  I don't understand.  After Dec. he will not be the Youth Intern Pastor anymore.  Why does church have politics?  Why can't we be a happy family?

Oh no, I am crying again....

Pastor Lee is not always mean.  He can be very kind too.  Many times he prayed for me and gave me advice.  Oh, but sometimes he made me cry...

If I die today what will I regret?  I will regret not going to Africa or China or France.  I will regret not being able to share the gospel with all my friends.  I will regret not spending more time with the Lord.

Where am I going with this? I don't know.  All I know is, tonight, I have to smile and teach the kids.  That's what I have to do.

And I must say, "Heavenly Father, forgive Pastor Lee for he did not know what he was doing"