Montreal trip and the aftermath

Right before my Montreal trip, I lost my phone.  Turns out it was at the bubble tea shop where me and Chris met up.  I must have been kind of nervous meeting Chris after so long.  So much so that I forgot to check my seat for my belongings when I left the bubble tea shop.  Well at least the bubble tea shop found it, and I got my phone back last Saturday when I met up with Chris again (he helped me find it at the bubble tea shop).

I don't have any feelings for Chris anymore, but for some reason I still thought (not did, just thought) about holding his hand or arm for a few seconds.  Maybe it's just cuz I was used to it back then.  And he is still so nice to me, insisting that he pay for my bubble tea and drive me all the way back home even though it's not convenient for him.  I don't know.  But we established we are just friends.

The Montreal trip was overall pretty good.  It was my first time traveling alone.  I mean, all the other times I stayed with someone I knew or traveled with someone I knew.  This is the first time I traveled alone and stayed at the hostel not knowing anyone there.  It's my 9th time in Montreal so it's kind of OK I guess.

I met David from OK Cupid for the first time.  I call him my brother.  On the Tuesday right before meeting me, a car crashed into him while he was on his bike.  So he was scraped up and upset when I saw him for the first time.  But other than that. we hung out and had food, walked around, visited bars, visited Schwartz and had smoked meat, went up and down Mont Royal, walked around and looked at rich houses... it was good.

I also met Alex from OK Cupid for the first time.  I was more nervous meeting him than meeting David, cuz I talked with David a lot over Skype beforehand and David likes another girl and is atheist so I know I wouldn't date him.  But with Alex I guess I felt maybe there was a possibility that he could be a potential boyfriend.  He seemed like he really cared about me, and he also used the Bible and prayer to encourage me.

Alex and I had poutine and walked around town together.  However, I still had my doubts because of some things that he said.  Now I'm even more worried about something else, which I will explain later.

I didn't just go to Montreal to meet with OK Cupid people, they were more like "extra".  I went to Montreal because I missed Montreal.  I wanted to be in that city again.  Emilie and Roodens were available too, so I met up with them as well.

With Emilie I went to Laval's big mall, and it was nice to catch up with her.  I would say that in the city of Montreal, she is my best friend.  We are not that close, but whenever I visit Montreal I try to visit her, and whenever she is in Toronto she tries to visit me.  We share together and pray together.

With Roodens, I was so happy that he could read the Bible verses I gave him.  He says he carries them in his bag everywhere every day.  He introduced me to his friend Durano, 17 years old, who is also an orphan and a Jehovah's Witness.  Unfortunately, after I added Durano on facebook, he started saying weird stuff that showed that he liked me romantically or at least was trying to flirt with me.  So I told him no.  Then he got mad.  I told Roodens to take care of him.  Hey, all I was trying to do was be his friend!  I didn't know a 17 year old guy could like a 26 year old woman!

Anyway I didn't think I liked Alex that much but somehow he was so caring and texted me a lot, and I started liking him more and more.  What made it worse was my parents and sister stalked him on facebook and my mom said encouraging things like how she hopes it will work out, and she thinks by looking at his face that he looks honest... (I'm not all for judging people based on their face, but both my sister and my mom have always judged people by their face and seeing how I've dated a lot of bad people, I rather trust them than myself)

Well at the same time, though, my mom wanted to be careful so she said I should make sure his church is not a cult.  Slowly as I started to research I started to panic.  I asked Alex about his beliefs and he didn't articulate it very well and it sounded skewed.  So now I have to ask him more questions to clarify, because some of the things he said sounded totally different from Christianity.  It could just be that he doesn't know how to explain it.  But I don't know.  Cuz it's not just the way he said it, it's also he follows a preacher, Titus Chu, and that preacher when I look him up, he is associated with this group of false teachers who don't believe in the Holy Trinity.

I don't know, I could be panicking for nothing, but I guess I'm just worried I'll have to deal with letting another good guy go, and it's because as a pastor I need a future husband who has the same beliefs as me, and someone who is strong in faith.  I talked to Andrew Chao about this, and Andrew thinks that Alex is not right for me.  Not only does he not know how to explain his beliefs, but he also has low self control (he admitted it himself).  And those two things are a problem for me.

That is why my head is spinning lately and I've been more stressed.  I really want to get down to the bottom of this.  Is his church a cult or not, and is he right for me or not?

OK I'm too tired to type anymore...

Update, new hopes and goals.

Hi dear friends,

Recently my dear brother in Christ Stephen has been checking my blog and noticed I haven't posted for a long time.  Sorry for the long silence.  Basically I just didn't feel the need to update, which is actually a good thing cuz things were pretty stable and I was feeling fine.  Of course, there were still interesting things that happened though, so I will try to update here a bit.

My bipolar was pretty non existent for the past two months, but suddenly last weekend I was quite suicidal.  I think mainly I felt like I was bad for committing the same sin over and over again.  It's always the same.  And I was sad because I couldn't seem to let go of Christos.  Same issue over and over again as well.

I tried my best to shake off the depression by listening to Christian music, which helped me enough to encourage me to go to church.  Cuz at first I didn't even want to go to church, I was that depressed.  At the 2nd church I cried.

I talked to an older sister in Christ, Jeannie, and she said I should not condemn myself for my sin.  My sexuality is part of me and God created us to want sex.  It is also harder because I am a single and I had sex before so it's hard to completely not want sex.  She said I have to remember Jesus wants me to live in freedom.

There were other things I was upset at myself about.  I felt I didn't really read and understand as much Bible as other pastors or classmates.  I was basically just disappointed in myself.

Randomly the depression suddenly left Sunday night and I started to accept myself again.  But the depression returned for a little while on Tuesday.

Now I am doing absolutely fine other than the fact that I haven't been sleeping restfully and someone just talked to me and gave me high blood pressure.  I won't say who.  But I'm listening to "Be Still my soul" by David Archuleta and it's very very calming.  And I'm taking deep breaths. And not talking to that person anymore.

Why do I still hang onto Christos? I don't really like him romantically, really.  It's mainly lust and wanting attention, which he gives.  And knowing that he did love me in the past and knowing he still wants me in a way now, even though not romantically, somehow it always draws me back to him.  I don't want to lose him as a friend, even though we barely have anything in common.  My head knows that I shouldn't be with him, but my heart still feels something for him.  I have no idea when my heart will start following my head.  I tried to force my heart so many times to let go, but it just doesn't want to.  Christos gives me comfort, affirmation, laughter, and touch.  I know he really does care about me.

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Goals for myself:

1) Exercise 3 times a week starting in November
(this will be slightly easier now that my new workout buddy will be Jenny Poon)

2) Take Sabbath for a few hours each week every Tuesday
(trying it again)

3) Read more of the Bible.

4) Find mature Christians and positive people to hang out with more.
(Rev. Wang said hanging out with suicidal and needy people all the time is not good for me)

5) Always think of the positive in every situation, become the optimist I used to be.

Kind of OK

How am I doing today? I guess kind of OK.

Last Saturday night I went with Phila to her church, for a worship night.  It was great!  It was Stream of Praise, the mandarin speaking band from Taiwan that I listened to with my mom when I was a kid.

One of the ladies shared a testimony.  She said "Who wants a second chance with God tonight?"  And I stood up and raised my hand.  Many people stood up and raised their hands.  Tears came from my eyes and I felt restored at that moment.

Right now I am probably not 100% healed but I feel fine when I mention the past.  So I guess I am on the right track.

Nap dream

I just woke up from a nap in sweat and I had a very vivid dream.  I haven't had this vivid of a dream since a long time ago.  I wonder if it has any deeper meaning.

I don't remember the whole dream but I remember I was on my way to school (UTSC) and I was supposed to hang out with Golda at 12:15.  On the way to school I took a detour and went to Grant's house.  In my dreaming mind, I was afraid that I would be reckless and go into his bedroom and do something sexual with him.  But in the reality of the dream, somehow Grant came out of his house and saw me.  I dropped some of my stuff somehow from my backpack and had to pick them up.  And Grant said something about some people in his life that were the manifest of Satan and asked me whether I gave his bicycle to someone, and I said I gave it to Butterfly (whoever the heck that is but even though I love butterflies I knew that Grant thought they were evil).  Then Golda calls and I panic because it's past the time that I was supposed to meet her to hang out.  Then IN REAL LIFE Phila calls and I wake up.

I Am Not Alone

What a week.  First of all, I didn't update you guys about Grant did I?  Grant is the latest guy in my life.  I am not dating him but we were more than friends for sure.  He is 48 years old, and the only reason why that doesn't freak me out is that my mentor Angela married Willy who is 25 years older than her.  I won't go into too much detail but basically Grant is a weak Christian who has been through a lot, but he does have a good heart.

This time around I didn't jump into the relationship. Nick warned me and I warned myself.  But this week was an emotional up and down.  Why? Because first of all I liked Grant and liked the attention he gave me, and I cared for him more than a friend.  I held his hands through prayer to help him forgive his past.  And I gave him a big hug.  Too big.  Well... it was too long.

That was Monday.  And when I got home, later on I read my old journal from grade 9 and 10.  And started crying my eyes out at the part where I talked about Jeff and the breakup aftermath.  I saw how much I loved him.  I guess I was never over it because he never told me he forgave me.

But because of that I am quite certain that I am not ready for a relationship with Grant or anybody.  And Grant has his own troubles he needs to sort out.  Grant was kind of pressuring me for an answer.  But I have thought about it and I plan to tell him that we are both not ready and don't wait on a person... wait on God.

Today I was doing well just that I felt drained emotionally from counseling so many people.  And not enough sleep.  But one thing I did accomplish.  I cried my last tears for Christos and have decided to never text him ever again.  Not because I don't care for him but I really need healing and need time for myself to recuperate and again wait on God.

I am not alone.  I have God.  I just talked to Emilie from Montreal and she says maybe God can give me peace about being single.  Being single means I can travel and do God's work without a guy dragging me down or holding me back.

I also thought about how I am a Pastor.  No one really calls me Pastor Martine but now I'm thinking if people called me that, then I would be reminded of my role and in the Bible it says I should be "blameless and without reproach".  I mean basically that means I need to be a great example and so far my personal life and boy adventures have proved otherwise.  So better grow up and become an actual pastor rather than an emotional teenager.

I've been listening to Christian music and spending time with God in His Word.  I feel fine overall, I guess the crying helps because then I let it all out.  Kari Jobe helps a lot to calm me down.  Nature and sunshine kind of helps too.  And sitting at Mcdonalds.

God is good.  He is my Healer.  I will overcome.

Yearning

Today I am really yearning.

Yearning for Montreal.  I kind of want to be there right now.  Just the atmosphere of Mont Royal, the people, wanting to just start my own full-time ministry.  But here I am studying for another two and half years.

I am really yearning for God.  This week I spent some time with Cymone, my new spiritual director.  She helped me figure out creative ways to connect with God, such as singing prayers.  She also helped me figure out I like to interact with God in tangible, hands on ways, such as taking a walk, doing art, music, and dancing.

I am really yearning to know who will be my future husband.  In order for both my parents, God, and myself to be satisfied, this person will most likely be a trilingual Chinese person living in Montreal, I'll probably meet him while doing missions at a Montreal church, and he will hopefully like to play guitar, sing, and dance.

I know I'm in a Christian seminary school, learning to become a pastor, but I just really don't feel like doing the readings.  I'm more of a hands on person and these books are really overload.  I know I can get smarter by reading these books but I really just wish I could just attend lectures and do assignments without reading books.

And part of me just wants to be done.  I've been in school for so long and everyone is asking me when will I be done.  Everyone! 

I know God probably wants me to stay in Toronto for another 3 years, but that seems really long right now.  I just really want to achieve my dreams.

Finding comfort in Jesus

These are Jesus's words....
(MAT 5:3-12 MSG)

“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope.
With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you.
Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
“You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less.
That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

“You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God.
He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat. 
“You’re blessed when you care. 
At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for. 

“You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. 
Then you can see God in the outside world. 
“You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. 
That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family. 

“You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. 
The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom. 
“Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. 
What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. 
You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do! 
And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. 
My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.
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Even though it is nice to find comfort in friends, friends don't always understand you (actually most of the time they don't even know how to listen or what to say).  But Jesus does.  I love Jesus.  I talk to Jesus like my best friend usually all throughout the day and especially at night.  I'm not saying this to sound like a proud Christian. I am saying this because I have learned to enjoy life and feel comforted from my problems because of Jesus. I hope one day you will experience His comfort in some way too. 

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Quote of the day:Robin Williams' monologue from the movie Jack (beautiful!): "I don't have very much time these days so I'll make it quick. Like my life. You know, as we come to the end of this phase of our life, we find ourselves trying to remember the good times and trying to forget the bad times, and we find ourselves thinking about the future. We start to worry , thinking, "What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna be in ten years?" But I say to you, "Hey, look at me!" Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular. I know I did." Robin Williams as Jack
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Jesus, you're my nightingale...