Don't worry, I am not super depressed right now. Those are two titles of songs which I will post underneath my writing of this blog post. Right now I am listening to music at 7:30am because I couldn't sleep well. I mean, yesterday was the worst bipolar rapid cycling symptoms I ever experienced and Golda saw it for the very first time and she was drained trying to take care of me. In fact I yelled at her twice because I was out of control. I told her sorry, I didn't mean to. But she understood just was draining for her.
What happened was recently I got triggered by Chris Ko going to New York and he was talking carelessly as if he wanted to break up with me or that I had too many issues or something. But now I am OK with him, we talked it out... however the hurtful words were like daggers to my heart.
also stupid Peggy was giving me lots of bullshit and not willing to pay me or Selena back our money. She kept on saying she is mad at me for calling her a bitch, I mean I know I shouldn't have called her a bitch but I did say I was sorry, that I was overreacting cuz first of all she said "I think you have attention seeking disorder and histrionic personality disorder" and she didn't even apologize for saying THAT. I told her straight up she needed to see a psychiatrist and that she was being a bitch. Too bad she didn't learn her lesson... she kept saying I'm a hypocrite, I'm scary, I'm a bad pastor. blablabla. So I blocked her off my phone and facebook. NO more Peggy for me!
Lately I realize I have been saying the f word and b word more, I mean, hanging around with friends who say that. I do realize I should not swear but sometimes I am just SO MAD!
Lately also I thought I was sort of feeling better because I started meeting up with more positive people like my professor at Tyndale who is teaching me the "how to be a pastor" course. He was so nice to me yesterday, even prayed for me after talking with me. He said I need to find a church denomination in the future that can support me as a woman pastor, and fit my beliefs. He said I have to plan ahead for my career that way. I have ideas already, I'm thinking joining the Baptist or Alliance churches in Montreal in a few years time so that I can be a supported woman pastor. Also Kevin Livingston (the prof's name, btw I just call him Kevin and he doesn't mind)... he said I should stop talking to Christina cuz she is IMMATURE. Cuz she kept on insisting a woman should not be a pastor and she was not willing to "agree to disagree"
THUY ShOUT OUT I MISS YOU! SoRRY I didn't meet up with you lately!!!! Is there a chance we can meet up soon? LOVE you
OK that was random shoutout , on to other things... school I am doing OK cuz it's only one course, I just have to work hard on it and finish the homework by Sunday night every week. In terms of gym I am trying to go twice a week and so far I am doing my best to stick to that.
Bible reading I am reading some inspiring stuff from a book called "Jesus calling". It has helped me be less anxious and trust in God. It helps me calm down also to listen to Christian music and do some singing. Too bad there is no where to dance!
I swear my house has something wrong. In the middle of the night I hear someone going up and down the stairs like a ghost. Seriously!
But God says don't be afraid. Christians make lots of mistakes too but that's what grace is all about. God gives us grace, meaning God gives us love when we don't deserve it. He died on the cross while we were still sinners. That's true sacrificial love.
Here are the two songs I was thinking of... don't depress yourself!
And this is a Christian song by Whitney Houston, my mom reminded me to listen to it...
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Dear God
Dear God,
I don't want to sleep right now because when I tried to sleep for some reason I thought back to what Chris said earlier today/yesterday, words that hurt so bad. You know the details... basically once again I'm afraid we will break up and that he is sick and tired of me and my issues.
If only I could just be happy forever, not have to worry about problems. These days it's just one problem after the other. I'm fed up and Chris is fed up. I'm tired of living in a foreign family (aka Golda's family) and I just want to go back to Anne's house. I was more peaceful there.
Taking care of myself is already a big burden, but I also have to take care of Golda and other friends and church youth. It's so much right now.
Earlier at the counselor appointment I cried so much and told her everything that happened over the past few months. I was very emotional today so when Chris said "we'll see" instead of "I want to be with you forever" I felt hurt. Also when he said we have too many issues... and also when he said he can't do anything to solve my problems, and also when he said all the other stuff in the text messages. I'm already fragile, I don't need more careless words being thrown at me.
Stupid Chris, Saturday night he was drunk he doesn't even remember anything he said to me, I wonder if he just wants me for the physical intimacy but I know that's not true.
But what if it was true? I'm afraid.
all I know is it hurts really bad, like so bad I never felt such pain since like 6 years ago. He doesn't understand my pain and he doesn't understand I can't control myself sometimes. I don't even want to talk about this anymore. I'm tired but can't sleep. Everytime I lay my head down I start crying. Life SUCKS RIGHT NOW! Maybe I should just break up with him and get it over with. Maybe he actually should go for another girl.
I don't want to sleep right now because when I tried to sleep for some reason I thought back to what Chris said earlier today/yesterday, words that hurt so bad. You know the details... basically once again I'm afraid we will break up and that he is sick and tired of me and my issues.
If only I could just be happy forever, not have to worry about problems. These days it's just one problem after the other. I'm fed up and Chris is fed up. I'm tired of living in a foreign family (aka Golda's family) and I just want to go back to Anne's house. I was more peaceful there.
Taking care of myself is already a big burden, but I also have to take care of Golda and other friends and church youth. It's so much right now.
Earlier at the counselor appointment I cried so much and told her everything that happened over the past few months. I was very emotional today so when Chris said "we'll see" instead of "I want to be with you forever" I felt hurt. Also when he said we have too many issues... and also when he said he can't do anything to solve my problems, and also when he said all the other stuff in the text messages. I'm already fragile, I don't need more careless words being thrown at me.
Stupid Chris, Saturday night he was drunk he doesn't even remember anything he said to me, I wonder if he just wants me for the physical intimacy but I know that's not true.
But what if it was true? I'm afraid.
all I know is it hurts really bad, like so bad I never felt such pain since like 6 years ago. He doesn't understand my pain and he doesn't understand I can't control myself sometimes. I don't even want to talk about this anymore. I'm tired but can't sleep. Everytime I lay my head down I start crying. Life SUCKS RIGHT NOW! Maybe I should just break up with him and get it over with. Maybe he actually should go for another girl.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Things are getting better
Dear blog readers, my dear friends,
Sorry that I have not updated this blog for so long. I was trying to focus on taking care of myself. A lot has happened even just 20 days into the new 2014 year. Let me update you...
Julio's dad passed away and yesterday afternoon was the memorial. It was a good time of rememberance for Julio. It reminded me once again that we should treasure our friends and family and tell them that we love them, leave no words unsaid because you may not have a chance in the future. This time around, death didn't haunt me like it did when Bryan, Ade, Mr. Kumar, and Alana passed away. This time I was stronger and comforted Julio. I have learned to look at the positive and not let the anxiousness over death get to me.
Another thing that happened was that I got better mentally. I went to the gym twice a week, still not 3 times like my resolution but at least it's something, some progress. Mentally I am better now after talking to Chris more and trying to work out our random issues.
Yesterday night was fun, I went out with Chris and some friends of his, to bid him farewell to New York. I had dinner at a fancy restaurant and the food was good. Then we went to a bar and danced :) I felt so close to Chris when we danced. I was so happy and hyper when I got home I didn't even sleep until 6am! I was late for church the next day (today) yikes! Thank God they were understanding!
Lately I have been lazier and more disorganized. I hang out with people but I put off my work. It's starting to affect other people. Unfortunately. But hopefully this upcoming week is better.
Taking care of myself is hard work already. Trying to take care of others is extra and I feel like lately I needed to focus on myself so that I could be happy instead of stressed. But I don't want to be selfish either. Tough balance.
I am not sure how to end this blog post. I really should sleep because otherwise I will sleep in class again tomorrow morning like last time. But I can't bring myself to sleep yet, my schedule is totally messed up!
Sorry that I have not updated this blog for so long. I was trying to focus on taking care of myself. A lot has happened even just 20 days into the new 2014 year. Let me update you...
Julio's dad passed away and yesterday afternoon was the memorial. It was a good time of rememberance for Julio. It reminded me once again that we should treasure our friends and family and tell them that we love them, leave no words unsaid because you may not have a chance in the future. This time around, death didn't haunt me like it did when Bryan, Ade, Mr. Kumar, and Alana passed away. This time I was stronger and comforted Julio. I have learned to look at the positive and not let the anxiousness over death get to me.
Another thing that happened was that I got better mentally. I went to the gym twice a week, still not 3 times like my resolution but at least it's something, some progress. Mentally I am better now after talking to Chris more and trying to work out our random issues.
Yesterday night was fun, I went out with Chris and some friends of his, to bid him farewell to New York. I had dinner at a fancy restaurant and the food was good. Then we went to a bar and danced :) I felt so close to Chris when we danced. I was so happy and hyper when I got home I didn't even sleep until 6am! I was late for church the next day (today) yikes! Thank God they were understanding!
Lately I have been lazier and more disorganized. I hang out with people but I put off my work. It's starting to affect other people. Unfortunately. But hopefully this upcoming week is better.
Taking care of myself is hard work already. Trying to take care of others is extra and I feel like lately I needed to focus on myself so that I could be happy instead of stressed. But I don't want to be selfish either. Tough balance.
I am not sure how to end this blog post. I really should sleep because otherwise I will sleep in class again tomorrow morning like last time. But I can't bring myself to sleep yet, my schedule is totally messed up!
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
New Year's Resolutions
New Year's Resolutions:
1) Spend time with God each day.
2) Exercise 3x a week.
3) Stay optimistic and positive.
4) Stop eating unhealthy foods.
5) Start posting singing videos again.
6) Start dancing again.
7) Learn to take care of myself better.
---
I went to the gym 2x so far this week and it has been making me more positive... two birds with one stone! Chris and I also talked with Aaron and it helped me to deal with my problems of pessimism and anxiety as well as help Chris and I prepare for long distance relationship. So far I have also been spending time with God each day and reading the "Jesus calling" book is inspiring.
Chris gave me a panda bear! It really cheered me up. It's so cute! I want to give him a photo frame with our photo in it. It has to be the one where we are both smiling well. :)
Life is getting better. I am now less anxious at night and sleeping ok.
1) Spend time with God each day.
2) Exercise 3x a week.
3) Stay optimistic and positive.
4) Stop eating unhealthy foods.
5) Start posting singing videos again.
6) Start dancing again.
7) Learn to take care of myself better.
---
I went to the gym 2x so far this week and it has been making me more positive... two birds with one stone! Chris and I also talked with Aaron and it helped me to deal with my problems of pessimism and anxiety as well as help Chris and I prepare for long distance relationship. So far I have also been spending time with God each day and reading the "Jesus calling" book is inspiring.
Chris gave me a panda bear! It really cheered me up. It's so cute! I want to give him a photo frame with our photo in it. It has to be the one where we are both smiling well. :)
Life is getting better. I am now less anxious at night and sleeping ok.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Fear of going bonkers
Once upon a time, Allan V. gave me a picture that said, "Sometimes the girl who's always there for everyone else, needs someone to be there for her". Another person posted a quote, "depression comes when a person was trying to stay strong for too long". Both of these quotes are true for me right now.
Over the past few days I got anxiety disorder symptoms again. It has not been this bad since 2006. I have felt suicidal, although I did not down the pills and I did not cut myself (but I thought of it). I felt like a physical dagger was piercing my heart at night (two nights in a row). I felt afraid of the darkness around me, afraid that demons would come and bother me... and afraid that Chris Ko would leave me.
Chris Ko is leaving for New York on the 15th and for some reason he decided to write me a long text message last Sunday at around 2pm. He made it sound like we were going to break up so during the afternoon youth church service I started to cry in front of the kids and teens, just for like 1 minute crying because I could not hold it in. Later, Chris told me he didn't mean to hurt me and didn't mean to say that he doesn't want to be there for me. He never meant a break up but those words he wrote in the text message sure FELT like a breakup.
Chris is a great guy. Just way too nice like me. He wants to always be there for me, so much so that he neglects his own space and time alone to meditate and calm down. These past days have been stressful for him. He feels as if he needs to cure me or something. When things don't work out or when he is worried, he gets anxious and wants to tell me something like "Martine you have to be strong on your own". The problem with that sentence is that it pierces my soul like a dagger. Strong on my own?? STRONG ON MY OWN!?!
I cannot be strong on my own. I need Chris! At this point in time, what's the point of having a boyfriend if he is not willing to be there for me??? That was my thinking, but I know he didn't mean it that way.
I love Chris. I totally fell in love with him. Last saturday I was at his house and I met his parents. That was the night that we both fell in love. We even watched a movie called "how do i know (that he is the one)?" Well we don't know if we will marry each other but we are both thinking about it. And now I have no more doubts that I chose to date a person of a "lower spiritual level" because I accept him as he is and he doesn't need to be "as spiritual as me".
I love him a lot and I know Love is a strong word but I do Love him , at least I think so. :) Yeah, I'll be ok. I just needed to get all of this off my chest. :) God bless
Over the past few days I got anxiety disorder symptoms again. It has not been this bad since 2006. I have felt suicidal, although I did not down the pills and I did not cut myself (but I thought of it). I felt like a physical dagger was piercing my heart at night (two nights in a row). I felt afraid of the darkness around me, afraid that demons would come and bother me... and afraid that Chris Ko would leave me.
Chris Ko is leaving for New York on the 15th and for some reason he decided to write me a long text message last Sunday at around 2pm. He made it sound like we were going to break up so during the afternoon youth church service I started to cry in front of the kids and teens, just for like 1 minute crying because I could not hold it in. Later, Chris told me he didn't mean to hurt me and didn't mean to say that he doesn't want to be there for me. He never meant a break up but those words he wrote in the text message sure FELT like a breakup.
Chris is a great guy. Just way too nice like me. He wants to always be there for me, so much so that he neglects his own space and time alone to meditate and calm down. These past days have been stressful for him. He feels as if he needs to cure me or something. When things don't work out or when he is worried, he gets anxious and wants to tell me something like "Martine you have to be strong on your own". The problem with that sentence is that it pierces my soul like a dagger. Strong on my own?? STRONG ON MY OWN!?!
I cannot be strong on my own. I need Chris! At this point in time, what's the point of having a boyfriend if he is not willing to be there for me??? That was my thinking, but I know he didn't mean it that way.
I love Chris. I totally fell in love with him. Last saturday I was at his house and I met his parents. That was the night that we both fell in love. We even watched a movie called "how do i know (that he is the one)?" Well we don't know if we will marry each other but we are both thinking about it. And now I have no more doubts that I chose to date a person of a "lower spiritual level" because I accept him as he is and he doesn't need to be "as spiritual as me".
I love him a lot and I know Love is a strong word but I do Love him , at least I think so. :) Yeah, I'll be ok. I just needed to get all of this off my chest. :) God bless
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Almost broke up
Me and Chris almost broke up, I was very upset and suicidal. Long story short I didn't take my medicine for 4 days thinking my bipolar disorder might be cured, then my mom triggered me by yelling at me saying Julio is lying about his father who passed away. My guinea pig is having asthma attacks and I was sad already and my mom added to the sadness. Then a lot of ppl said I should break up with Chris and it's the same old story over and over. I cried at Jen's house and she comforted me but even she thought I wanted to break up with Chris and she thought I should do it. Anyway it's so complicated I ended up meeting Chris to talk at midnight and he comforted me saying he won't leave me and he will grow in Christ he just needs more time. Also the reason why he cannot tell me he loves me anymore is because he needs time. I told him it hurt me when I said "I love you" and all I heard was either nothing or "see you later". It hurt me bad but I tried to be strong, finally my mom set me off and I became suicidal and wanted to break up.
After talking with Chris we decided to stay together and he will support me and also I became hyper again since I am bipolar I go down then up.
I listened to music and went on facebook all night (you should read all my facebook posts. Very painful yet inspiring and hopeful)
I talked to Golda and I talked to Golda's dad. They helped me and most of all Chris talked to me all night on facebook even after he got home. He told me he wanted to spend more time with me. He finally started understanding my bipolar disorder and why I wanted to break up at first. He finally started knowing the real me deep inside, the hurting and lonely me who always tries to help others but never found love for herself.
I am still slightly weird right now but the music is helping ... many songs helped including Beyonce's songs here is one of them... it's not depressing just sad.
But this one reminds me of Chris's love for me. He never broke my heart, just gave my heart a break
After talking with Chris we decided to stay together and he will support me and also I became hyper again since I am bipolar I go down then up.
I listened to music and went on facebook all night (you should read all my facebook posts. Very painful yet inspiring and hopeful)
I talked to Golda and I talked to Golda's dad. They helped me and most of all Chris talked to me all night on facebook even after he got home. He told me he wanted to spend more time with me. He finally started understanding my bipolar disorder and why I wanted to break up at first. He finally started knowing the real me deep inside, the hurting and lonely me who always tries to help others but never found love for herself.
I am still slightly weird right now but the music is helping ... many songs helped including Beyonce's songs here is one of them... it's not depressing just sad.
But this one reminds me of Chris's love for me. He never broke my heart, just gave my heart a break
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Dear God,
This year (2013) has been the worst year in terms of emergencies, stress, and problems. I really pray that this does not continue onto the new 2014 year. I'm so tired, and even Chris told me he is starting to get stressed seeing me so stressed. Please God, please make 2014 smoother. With Golda she is very fragile but please help me to discern my boundaries, not blame myself, and be there for her in a healthy way. Please help her to become more independent and find other help not just me.
God, please help me to heal from the past year's pain and hurt. I really also want my relationship with Chris to be happy, even though he is going away for 3 months for work. Please help me to say yes when I should say yes, say no when I should say no. Help me to emotionally detach myself from drama when it arises (but hopefully they don't arise), and help my friends to stop causing drama.
Help me to grow spiritually please Lord, I want to grow closer to you. Help me to stay calm and grounded, and live a life that uses every minute the way you want me to, so that I am doing something meaningful, restful, or long lasting. Give me wisdom to live my life please.
Thanks for listening to my prayer
Martine
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)