Dear God

Dear God,

I don't want to sleep right now because when I tried to sleep for some reason I thought back to what Chris said earlier today/yesterday, words that hurt so bad.  You know the details... basically once again I'm afraid we will break up and that he is sick and tired of me and my issues.

If only I could just be happy forever, not have to worry about problems.  These days it's just one problem after the other.  I'm fed up and Chris is fed up.  I'm tired of living in a foreign family (aka Golda's family) and I just want to go back to Anne's house.  I was more peaceful there.

Taking care of myself is already a big burden, but I also have to take care of Golda and other friends and church youth.  It's so much right now.

Earlier at the counselor appointment I cried so much and told her everything that happened over the past few months.  I was very emotional today so when Chris said "we'll see" instead of "I want to be with you forever" I felt hurt.  Also when he said we have too many issues... and also when he said he can't do anything to solve my problems, and also when he said all the other stuff in the text messages.  I'm already fragile, I don't need more careless words being thrown at me.

Stupid Chris, Saturday night he was drunk he doesn't even remember anything he said to me, I wonder if he just wants me for the physical intimacy but I know that's not true.

But what if it was true? I'm afraid.

all I know is it hurts really bad, like so bad I never felt such pain since like 6 years ago.  He doesn't understand my pain and he doesn't understand I can't control myself sometimes.  I don't even want to talk about this anymore.  I'm tired but can't sleep.  Everytime I lay my head down I start crying.  Life SUCKS RIGHT NOW! Maybe I should just break up with him and get it over with.  Maybe he actually should go for another girl.