I just had the funniest facebook conversation with Matthieu in Quebec, and I guess after that I wanted to listen to David Archuleta (singer), esp. one particular song over and over again... cuz I found that this song expressed what's going on between me and Sam so clearly. It was an encouraging song, a hopeful song, and a song that shows the reality as well. I will post it someday...
But anyway this is something I was thinking about. What is a relationship without struggle? I was thinking, would I marry anyone who wasn't there for me during rough times? Of course not! It's almost outrageous! Well, im not even talking about ppl who werent there for you because they were a bad friend or bad boyfriend. I'm talking about those relationships that were all happy with no fights and no problems to support each other in.
For some reason, I think struggles bring us closer together, and I would NOT want to marry anyone unless I have struggled through a whole ton of crap with them. And this is what I was thinking bout.... cuz I haven't seen Sam in almost 2 months... and when I do talk with him, it IS a big struggle most of the time. Either I'm struggling with emotions or he is struggling with something, or we are both confused about stuff or whatever.
And the first time after almost 2 months that im going to see Sam is at a funeral (or at least, he told me he wanted to be there) for our mutual friend's father (God bless his soul) on Saturday. Not really a happy place to see each other, and usually you aren't going to talk and laugh when you see ppl at a funeral. And I was like, wow, what a way to see Sam again. I will be crying. But you know what, this is life. In the future, in fact, Sam is going to see a lot of funerals as a pastor. Me too. A lot of weddings and baptisms too of course, but funerals is part of the mix when you are pastor...
So I guess I shouldn't be so wow about this, I mean, if I see Sam at the funeral it's part of walking this journey of life together with church family and friends. I can't ask for more...
I can be reassured that Sam will still think I'm pretty. He just said I'm pretty-ER if I smile :) I guess its ok to be ugly sometimes :( cuz these days my face is stiff from coughing... cant smile very well!
Praying for Jess and her family... God bless Uncle Laurence's soul...
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Galates 6:9 (La Bible du Semeur)
Faisons le bien sans nous laisser gagner par le découragement. Car si nous ne relâchons pas nos efforts, nous récolterons au bon moment.
--
Coughing so much is making me not wanna do anything... but I must finish this essay!!! Due on Monday!!! and study for my two midterms for next Thursday and the following Monday!!!
Martine, stop thinking about boys!!! Bad girl, bad girl!!! :3 gaahhhhhh!!!!!
--
(couple hours later)
I successfully stopped thinking about boys when I discovered a campaign about homelessness... but still was distracted from my essay... Hey, at least I'm thinking about something useful!!! Ok, back to essay now... and I will leave you with a quote...
I am a homeless man, but I am no less of a man, not a brainless, not hopeless, not helpless, not faithless, but most of all... I am not loveless. –Kevin Clarke, a homeless man running for Mayor of Toronto 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
A Crazy Day and A Crazy Discovery...
Hi all, today I skipped my first class of the school year. It is something I am not very proud about. However, the ironic thing is that I just finished 80% of my essay as a result of skipping class and finally was more productive in studying/doing homework than any other day of the term so far. Tonight I will be working until 2am at the library (job) so I am assuming I will be even more productive especially when no one is visiting the library.
I discovered something very interesting. I have found a chemical element that can represent me quite well. Strangely, it is lithium, which is also the medicine I'm taking for bipolar disorder. Interesting how the medicine/metal/chemical I am taking every day can in some way characterize my personality. Call me crazy, but this actually makes sense... listen... This is taken from Wikipedia, about Lithium, except I changed some words around to make it human...
LOL
I discovered something very interesting. I have found a chemical element that can represent me quite well. Strangely, it is lithium, which is also the medicine I'm taking for bipolar disorder. Interesting how the medicine/metal/chemical I am taking every day can in some way characterize my personality. Call me crazy, but this actually makes sense... listen... This is taken from Wikipedia, about Lithium, except I changed some words around to make it human...
Martine (
/ˈlɪθiəm/, LI-thee-əm) is a soft person who likes shiny things such as silver-white metals. She belongs to the alkali metal group represented by the symbol Lee, and it has the atomic number 3 representing the Holy Trinity which lives inside her.
Under standard conditions (when things are going well) she is the lightest metal (very light-hearted) and the least dense solid element (very smart and stable!!!). Like all alkali metals, Martine is highly reactive and flammable. Her emotions can go all over the place!!!! For this reason, Martine should be stored in mineral oil, taken care of very carefully like in a spa. When cut open, Martine exhibits a metallic luster, meaning that when her heart is broken, she can always learn something new and shine again...but she can also corrode if not well taken care of. Because of her high reactivity, Martine only appears natural in the form of compounds, meaning when she is with friends.
LOL
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
--Psalm 73:26
Today I was thinking about this verse but I could only think of the part where it says "God is the strength of my heart". For some reason, the more I repeated it in my heart the more angry I got. I tried to figure out why I was so angry. Maybe because I didn't feel that my heart was strong at all, I can't really believe that God is strengthening me at all. But when I searched up the context of the verse and read the WHOLE thing, it actually comforted me. I think it's more realistic in context cuz it says at the top, that my flesh and my heart may fail... but God is the strength of my heart and MY PORTION forever. My portion means that He is enough. So it's not like some abstract idea that God is in my heart and therefore I am strong, but it's that He is enough to sustain me.
I like things in context. Gives you a better understanding. And less anger. :)
Today I feel weak physically and emotionally. For a little while this morning I wanted to quit everything because I just felt that weak. I didnt want to go to school, work, or anything. But yeah, don't wanna let ppl down or screw myself over, so let's go, Martine.
Off to another crazy day.
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
--Psalm 73:26
Today I was thinking about this verse but I could only think of the part where it says "God is the strength of my heart". For some reason, the more I repeated it in my heart the more angry I got. I tried to figure out why I was so angry. Maybe because I didn't feel that my heart was strong at all, I can't really believe that God is strengthening me at all. But when I searched up the context of the verse and read the WHOLE thing, it actually comforted me. I think it's more realistic in context cuz it says at the top, that my flesh and my heart may fail... but God is the strength of my heart and MY PORTION forever. My portion means that He is enough. So it's not like some abstract idea that God is in my heart and therefore I am strong, but it's that He is enough to sustain me.
I like things in context. Gives you a better understanding. And less anger. :)
Today I feel weak physically and emotionally. For a little while this morning I wanted to quit everything because I just felt that weak. I didnt want to go to school, work, or anything. But yeah, don't wanna let ppl down or screw myself over, so let's go, Martine.
Off to another crazy day.
Before I go back to sleep...
I am writing this at 3:36am . My eyes are a bit tired so I plan to go back to sleep... but yeah I keep waking up and going back to sleep and eventually after 5 hours I got sick of that and decided to come down here to check email and stuff. I ended up chatting with Antony so that was good I guess. I hope he's gonna be okay. Tried to encourage him...
I had some other dreams but they are unclear and I don't really care about that right now. Right now I'm just thinking how honestly, I don't care as much for marks anymore just as long as I'm trying my best, cuz my health is getting in the way... I had a cough today and just didnt feel like doing anything. I ended up successfully finishing my essay outline but honestly that could have taken one hour if I focused enough. But it took me the whole afternoon :P
The positive thing about this slow process was that I was able to chat with some friends.
Tomorrow I'm seeing the doctor, again. I don't know what to make of it anymore. I don't mind going to the doctor, it just takes time and money. And in the future, depending on what school I'm going to, this will be another thing to think about. If I go to McMaster, I will have less access to Chinese traditional doctors who can help my period problem. On the other hand, McMaster has a health plan so all my lithium medication and English doctor stuff will be covered. If I go to Tyndale, and stay in Toronto, I can go to any doctor but I have to pay cuz there is no health plan.
gtg.
I had some other dreams but they are unclear and I don't really care about that right now. Right now I'm just thinking how honestly, I don't care as much for marks anymore just as long as I'm trying my best, cuz my health is getting in the way... I had a cough today and just didnt feel like doing anything. I ended up successfully finishing my essay outline but honestly that could have taken one hour if I focused enough. But it took me the whole afternoon :P
The positive thing about this slow process was that I was able to chat with some friends.
Tomorrow I'm seeing the doctor, again. I don't know what to make of it anymore. I don't mind going to the doctor, it just takes time and money. And in the future, depending on what school I'm going to, this will be another thing to think about. If I go to McMaster, I will have less access to Chinese traditional doctors who can help my period problem. On the other hand, McMaster has a health plan so all my lithium medication and English doctor stuff will be covered. If I go to Tyndale, and stay in Toronto, I can go to any doctor but I have to pay cuz there is no health plan.
gtg.
Monday, October 11, 2010
A Weird Night
Yesterday night I kept on waking up at random times in the night. When I was asleep, I dreamed up a big scary epic story about UTSC, SCSU, the subway, my psychiatrist, my friends, and me being a spy. The story was so complicated... it was a "sequel" to another dream I had before, or so this dream told me. Maybe I dreamed up the idea that it was a sequel... but anyways the first dream (if it ever existed) happened "one year before" last night's dream...
In this "last year's dream" I was suspecting that the SCSU was a conspiracy and that there were spies and/or terrorists who wanted to kill people undercover. I was the only one aware of it and was too scared to tell anyone except my psychiatrist, who apparently believed me. But I didn't do anything about it.
This year, though, I was walking around UTSC and it was a Carnival day, and people were planning to go on a special trip to Ecuador with SCSU. I had signed up to go to this trip too, but since I suspected something wrong about it, I decided to waste my ticket and just not go. Somehow I ended up in the subway chasing down a spy instead, and trying not to get killed because they knew I was a spy opposed to them. Then somehow I learned that my friend Valerie and this other girl was part of their gang, and they were chasing me, so what I did was I flung them out along with their course readings far away. But they didn't get hurt, they just got flung away.
I talked to my psychiatrist again and this time I'm not sure if he believed me. But soon after, the dream was over.
--
It was scary, you know. And the weird thing about this dream is, there were aspects of it that seemed like it could be what a person with mental disorder would believe even in real life. Like I mean, in real life, if I didn't have my medication, I could get delusions and believe that people were after me, or have a belief that there is some conspiracy going on. The psychiatrist was in my dream too. So the analytical question you could ask could be... Is this a dream of a person with a psychological disorder experiencing a world distorted by their mind? Or is this a dream of a "normal" person experiencing a real conspiracy and a world actually distorted?
I couldn't focus on homework last night because when my mom came home I learned that my old church mentor was in the hospital. I have no idea what's going on, but I really hope she's going to be okay. Aaron happened to be online so I talked to him both online and on the phone. He's a good friend. Even though I only knew him for like 2 weeks. He's going to become a social worker and I think that really suits him and his personality. I think he will make a big difference in this world.
I feel like friendship is like a circle. When I am in need, someone will be there, and when they are in need, someone will be there. Eventually it all becomes a circle where everybody helps each other at different times of need. Everyone will give love and care at some point, and everyone will receive love and care at some point.
In this "last year's dream" I was suspecting that the SCSU was a conspiracy and that there were spies and/or terrorists who wanted to kill people undercover. I was the only one aware of it and was too scared to tell anyone except my psychiatrist, who apparently believed me. But I didn't do anything about it.
This year, though, I was walking around UTSC and it was a Carnival day, and people were planning to go on a special trip to Ecuador with SCSU. I had signed up to go to this trip too, but since I suspected something wrong about it, I decided to waste my ticket and just not go. Somehow I ended up in the subway chasing down a spy instead, and trying not to get killed because they knew I was a spy opposed to them. Then somehow I learned that my friend Valerie and this other girl was part of their gang, and they were chasing me, so what I did was I flung them out along with their course readings far away. But they didn't get hurt, they just got flung away.
I talked to my psychiatrist again and this time I'm not sure if he believed me. But soon after, the dream was over.
--
It was scary, you know. And the weird thing about this dream is, there were aspects of it that seemed like it could be what a person with mental disorder would believe even in real life. Like I mean, in real life, if I didn't have my medication, I could get delusions and believe that people were after me, or have a belief that there is some conspiracy going on. The psychiatrist was in my dream too. So the analytical question you could ask could be... Is this a dream of a person with a psychological disorder experiencing a world distorted by their mind? Or is this a dream of a "normal" person experiencing a real conspiracy and a world actually distorted?
I couldn't focus on homework last night because when my mom came home I learned that my old church mentor was in the hospital. I have no idea what's going on, but I really hope she's going to be okay. Aaron happened to be online so I talked to him both online and on the phone. He's a good friend. Even though I only knew him for like 2 weeks. He's going to become a social worker and I think that really suits him and his personality. I think he will make a big difference in this world.
I feel like friendship is like a circle. When I am in need, someone will be there, and when they are in need, someone will be there. Eventually it all becomes a circle where everybody helps each other at different times of need. Everyone will give love and care at some point, and everyone will receive love and care at some point.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Random spurts
(added on later) My mentor from my old church is in the hospital. I don't know what happened. PLEASE PRAY FOR HER!!!!!!
---
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
-Proverbs 19:21
I am willing to wait... I think we're going to see each other at Christmas. My heart was beating and a bit worried that he might have lost his way or something... but it's okay, he was helping at church. I think in the future I'm going to update myself more about the events at his church, because I think sometimes they ask him to help with stuff last minute... It's okay, I was prepared to see him and not see him, I guess it just wasn't the right time.
It's a bittersweet Thanksgiving, because Jess lost her father just a few days ago. I cried today too, and gave Jess a big hug at church. The Bible lesson I taught the little kids today was about resurrection and life, and God's love that is the most powerful thing in the world. I think it relates a lot to this situation... That we can trust that we will see Uncle Laurence again in heaven one day.
I'm very glad that Jenny and Thuy could make it today. It was good to hang out with Faye some more too! She's such a sweet girl. Aaron was so nice to bring us over to his house. He has a big interest in opening up his house to people, so nice of him. There's nothing quite like it, this bond between friends. Here's a song that celebrates the love of friends... (I posted the same song twice, but in two different versions, because I just like it so much...)
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love?
How about love? Measure in love
Seasons of love. Seasons of love
JOANNE
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes!
Five hundred twenty-five thousand journeys to plan.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?
COLLINS
In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.
ALL
It's time now to sing out,
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Seasons of love!
JOANNE(while ALL sing)
Oh you got to got to
Remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love spread love
Measure measure your life in love.
---
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
-Proverbs 19:21
I am willing to wait... I think we're going to see each other at Christmas. My heart was beating and a bit worried that he might have lost his way or something... but it's okay, he was helping at church. I think in the future I'm going to update myself more about the events at his church, because I think sometimes they ask him to help with stuff last minute... It's okay, I was prepared to see him and not see him, I guess it just wasn't the right time.
It's a bittersweet Thanksgiving, because Jess lost her father just a few days ago. I cried today too, and gave Jess a big hug at church. The Bible lesson I taught the little kids today was about resurrection and life, and God's love that is the most powerful thing in the world. I think it relates a lot to this situation... That we can trust that we will see Uncle Laurence again in heaven one day.
I'm very glad that Jenny and Thuy could make it today. It was good to hang out with Faye some more too! She's such a sweet girl. Aaron was so nice to bring us over to his house. He has a big interest in opening up his house to people, so nice of him. There's nothing quite like it, this bond between friends. Here's a song that celebrates the love of friends... (I posted the same song twice, but in two different versions, because I just like it so much...)
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love?
How about love? Measure in love
Seasons of love. Seasons of love
JOANNE
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes!
Five hundred twenty-five thousand journeys to plan.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?
COLLINS
In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.
ALL
It's time now to sing out,
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Seasons of love!
JOANNE(while ALL sing)
Oh you got to got to
Remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love spread love
Measure measure your life in love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)