Forgetting

I was thinking about what is the best way to recover from a breakup. There really is no method to it but some things are supposed to help. I don't think I did any of those helpful things. For example, you're supposed to slowly put away the things that remind you of the person. Bit by bit, you are supposed to learn to let go.

Instead, I immersed myself in work and denied everything, thought I was okay, tried to help others instead of myself. Everything was forcefully put away for me, so when I couldn't handle it I started digging it up again, bit by bit. I was doing it the backwards way. I have to dig up everything related and then slowly put them away.

I kept on wanting to buy a dragonfly necklace. I gotta let that go. Today I ate sushi. Gotta let that memory go. I had no time to cry. Now I'm gonna let myself cry. Chores, visiting grandma, doing random crap and work, gave me to time to grieve. And yes, grief is losing someone you love, not necessarily to death.

I had nowhere to express my feelings, now they are all coming out. I was in shock at first, that's why. And shock turns into denial. And I was also trying to transfer my feelings to others, not good at all. You don't know how many guys I started crushing on cuz I was trying to give love that was reserved for the person I lost. The hole was so big. I do realize I shouldnt find another person right now, I need rather to find myself.

I was trying to be happy and forget about everything but I was doing it in a wrong way. I didn't let myself remember. You have to remember first in order to forget.

Family life is tough too. I'm thankful I can even write on this right now.

Fuzzy liked this one. :) He made bubbly sounds when I played it. It will take me some time to move on... miss you.

Psalm 42

¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

³ My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

⁴ These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

⁵ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and ⁶ my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

⁷ Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

⁸ By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

¹¹ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Hello again.

I've been avoiding my blog for a bit, and to be honest, it was because I was scared. I was scared that I would be judged, that I would be misinterpreted... I was scared because of what happened in the past... Fear is a weird thing. It can take hold of you and bring you down even when there is nothing you should be fearing. Well, most of all, I was scared to be seen as weak, or even, to be weak.

I always had the mindset that it was okay to be weak, because when you are weak, that's when you're strong. In the Bible that is what it says. Because Jesus submitted himself to the cross, and in the end, he was victorious over death. Of course, we should not be misinterpreting things and saying ok so now I can be weak all I want, even when I have the strength, I will prefer to be weak... no. But when really I have no strength, I tell myself, it's okay to be weak cuz God has me in His strong arms, I will be stronger with Him. And stronger with others' help.

However, I was still scared to be weak because I felt like people were looking down on me instead of helping me up. Maybe it was just psychological, cuz I know there are a lot of people who care for me. But another thing is, it's human tendency to want to be strong. I wanted to prove that I was okay, that I was capable of doing my work, that I was not emotionally weak or crazy. Well, I guess I was neither of those things. But I'm glad there are still people who accept me for who I am, and are willing to walk with me till I'm strong again.

I went to Juan yesterday for counselling and cried stuff out. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. You know I've been jumping from guy to guy emotionally or relationally since grade 8 or so. I might as well stop and try and figure out who Martine Lee is first. Finding myself, that's what they call it. The movie trailer "eat.pray.love" shows how it's important to figure out what you believe and who you are before you go into a romantic relationship.... well, sometimes a relationship can help you with that, but still, you gotta be able to figure out on your own, without a partner.

I think for me I thought that I found myself but I actually didn't. There is still a lot beneath the surface that is crazily mixed up. For starters, I don't think I know what true romantic love is. I don't know what ...

I can't write anymore. My mom made me cry... Too many questions, no understanding, and no joy. No lasting peace. no no no

What is a Nervous Breakdown?

A nervous breakdown can be described as an acute emotional or psychological collapse. The term nervous breakdown is not a medical term, but rather a colloquial term used by the general public to refer to and characterize a wide range of mental illnesses.

It generally occurs when a person is unable to function in social roles anymore, experiencing severe depression or feelings of being out of touch with reality. This often occurs after a long period of stress which has not been adequately dealt with.

This inability to function can occur in both work and personal arenas, resulting in difficulty in fulfilling obligations. It also causes the individual to develop physical, mental and emotional symptoms. A person experiencing symptoms of a nervous breakdown may feel extreme tiredness, weakness, episodes of uncontrollable crying, confusion, disorientation and feelings of worthlessness.

There may also be a loss of self-esteem and confidence, extreme weight loss or weight gain, disrupted sleep patterns and feelings of guilt and despair. In severe cases, an inability to move, called catatonic posturing, may result. This is a serious psychiatric condition and should not be taken lightly.

Other Disorders Associated with a Nervous Breakdown

• Depression
• Panic disorder
• Panic attacks
  
• Anxiety disorder
  
• Generalized anxiety disorder
  
• Acute stress disorder
  
• Post-traumatic stress disorder
  
• Trauma disorders
  
• Schizophrenia
  
• Psychotic disorders
  
• Mood (affective) disorders
  
• Biopolar disorder

Learning to manage stress and identify the early symptoms of a nervous breakdown such as anxiety, depression and panic disorders can help to prevent its onset. Many people have experienced being on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and it is this feeling of overwhelming helplessness that has forced them to revamp their lifestyles and has offered them the opportunity for growth and enlightenment.

Diagnosing a Nervous Breakdown

Your doctor will perform a physical examination to rule out any other medical conditions, and also ask you what symptoms you are experiencing. A course of medication may be prescribed as well as a referral to a psychologist or psychotherapist.

Symptoms of a Nervous Breakdown & Early Warning Signs

There are physical, emotional and behavioral warning signs and symptoms of a nervous breakdown. They include:

Physical symptoms of a nervous breakdown

• Sleep disruption - much longer periods of sleep or insomnia
  
• Diarrhea
  
• Constipation
  
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
  
• Breathing problems
  
• Migraine headaches
  
• Low libido
  
• Memory loss
  
• Disrupted menstrual cycle
  
• Extreme exhaustion/fatigue
  
• Feelings of persistent anxiety or panic attacks
  
• Significant changes in appetite, such as eating too little or too much (comfort eating)
  
• Visual/eye disturbances

Emotional symptoms

• Anxiety
  
• Depression
  
• Agitation and restlessness
  
• Indecision
  
• Loss of confidence and selfesteem
  
• Inability to stop crying
  
• Feelings of guilt, poor judgment
  
• Disinterest in social life and work or alienation from previously close friends and family
  
• Hearing voices
  
• Inability to pursue a normal life, normal activities or normal relationships
  
• Increasing dependence on alcohol or drugs
  
• Paranoid thoughts, such as the thought people are trying to harm you
  
• Seeing people who are not there
  
• Thoughts of dying or wish to die
  
• Thoughts of grandeur or invincibility
  
• Having flashbacks to a prior traumatic event
  
• Hearing voices

Behavioral symptoms

• Mood swings
  
• Strange behavior such as odd body movements or undressing in public
  
• Exhibiting strong or violent anger

In more extreme cases, psychosis can occur where the person will experience complete loss of contact with reality. The symptoms may include hallucinations or visions, feelings of victimization or persecution, strange speech patterns and behaviors as well as extreme guilt or grandiosity.

What Causes a Nervous Breakdown?

There is always a trigger or catalyst that sparks a nervous breakdown. Breakdowns usually stem from a change in a major life event such as a broken relationship, death of a loved one, a demanding job or financial difficulties. Factors that may contribute to a breakdown include:

• Stress
  
• Depression
  
• Alcohol and drug abuse, particularly cocaine
  
• Genetics (family history)
  
• Coexisting medical conditions, such as vitamin deficiencies, thyroid disorders, movement disorders, skin and limb problems, etc.
  
• Anxiety surrounding major life changes or disorders, such as pregnancy/after birth/labor, menopause, etc.
  
• Schizophrenia
  
• Extreme guilt or emotional problems

Help for Nervous Breakdowns

There are many treatment methods and approaches for dealing with nervous breakdowns. Choosing the right one depends on the diagnosis of the individual case, as there is no standard cure. There are ways to prevent a nervous breakdown, conventional treatments, natural remedies, nutritional supplements and many other therapies to choose from.

Preventative

Obviously the best approach is to prevent the breakdown from occurring in the first place. Recognizing the warning signs of a nervous breakdown and reducing and managing stress levels can often produce excellent results and prevent the total collapse usually associated with a nervous breakdown.

Nutritional Supplements

Signs of a nervous breakdown include stress which often means that the individual becomes deficient in certain vitamins and minerals especially if appetite is also affected. A good multivitamin can be very beneficial and special attention should be paid to taking extra vitamins in the B complex, particularly Vitamin B6 and B12. .

Other therapies

Aromatherapy, yoga, reflexology, Reiki and massage therapy can all be useful adjuncts to treatment and can greatly assist in aiding relaxation and stress management.

More Information on Mental & Emotional Nervous Breakdowns

Prevention & Treatment Tips for Nervous Breakdowns

Taking care of ourselves physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally is very important, especially with the hectic demands placed on our daily lives. These useful tips include:

• Eating a healthy diet and improving food choices
  
• Exercising regularly
  
• Actively seeking professional help for better coping mechanisms or help with emotional issues
  
• Taking a break from work and going on vacation
  
• Practicing deep breathing exercises and meditation
  
• Incorporating fun and laughter into your life
  
• Allowing more time for a good nights rest
  
• Limiting alcohol and tobacco intake
  
• Avoiding drugs
  
• Learning to relax by taking time for yourself
  
• Maintaining contact with family and friends
  
• Treating yourself regularly by playing a round of golf, or spending the day at the spa

------------

After looking at more websites, I learned that people with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia are more susceptible to nervous breakdowns, and that once we feel something starting, we should get professional help immediately and start to take action to protect ourselves from further damage. There is hope, we just got to get more information on how to help ourselves. No wonder I broke down so easily.

Misunderstandings...

My blog can be a blessing and it can be a curse. The blessing is that when I have nowhere to speak and express to others my feelings, I go to my blog and I share things. The curse is that people can misunderstand what I write, perhaps due to assumptions, other conflicting opinions, or just my way of writing, so vague and ambiguous.

This blog was created for inspiration, but sometimes I just don't have the strength to inspire, so I just write out my crappy feelings. It's true, life isn't always good and your friends can't always say super nice things to you, but it hurts when misunderstandings break us apart. I don't mind people telling me hard truths. But as they say, the medium is the message, and over the past weekend, I've had more than one person telling me criticism without listening to my side of the story first. And the way they said it was harsh, it cut to my heart. I was already stressed from other crap so that's why I had a panic attack faster than normal.

You know, panic attacks can't be controlled. I plan to go to my psychiatrist and counselor soon, but seriously, I wish people would understand that sometimes I cannot control how I feel. I get depressed easily, and stressed easily. That's why I need friends' encouragement. If you are going to tell me some hard truths, please do it with grace. I will try my best to do the same to you if I need to tell you a hard truth. I know it's hard when you are angry and same for me too. I guess we just all have to work on it. Don't worry, I don't hold anything against you.

I'm ashamed to be this weak. It's not like I want to be a crybaby or it's not that I want to quit my job due to 3 breakdowns. It's not like I want to communicate to my best friend through my blog so that everyone can see what's going on. I have no choice. I was being monitored and my only mode of communication was my blog. You think I'm imagining things? No, I was actually being monitored.

Some people can stand more pressure, some people don't. I guess I'm just the latter kind of person. Does that make me any less of a human being? No. Does having bipolar disorder make me a crazy, berserk, spazzed out person? No. I can't help it. If you have any kind of mental illness, then maybe you would understand. I already take my medication and get counselling, and I try my best in life. What else do you want me to do?

I'm completely disappointed in myself. But I will move on. If I'm a weak person, let me be a weak person who doesn't stay where she is. Let me be a weak person who continues to persevere through the trials. And learn something.

God bless you.

Emptiness

I used to think that after I became a Christian, God would fill my emptiness. I'm not so sure about that anymore. Just now, I was talking with friends online and feeling a whole lot better. But then when the conversations ended, the emptiness creeped back in. I know I can read the Bible, but like Mrs. Ng says, sometimes when you are super sad, the Bible even doesn't even speak to you it just doesn't digest. The good thing is though, God can still give you peace even when the words of the Bible don't register.

I'm worried about TM now. Because of what happened to me, I'm worried about him.

It's not being easy being me at this point in time. Yesterday, I had a lot of fun with my new family (fellowship) but after I got home, I felt a feeling that was like a dagger piercing through my heart. I prayed but it didn't seem to help, so I called Mike. Mike always cheers me up, just by his voice. Michelle is also good at listening.

Anyway, Mike prayed for me over the phone and I felt a lot better and could actually sleep. But then again, the next morning I wanted to die. It was so strong, I felt like I could potentially be relapsing badly and so I quit my job. I had to.

I feel pretty ashamed that I had to quit my job. I feel like a failure but again it's just a feeling not a fact. God always sees me as His child, no need to be perfect. In any case, the events of yesterday afternoon still linger in my head. I feel dull... because I don't want to let the emotions go through my eyes. I just leave them in my mind.

Belief is a powerful thing. Yesterday, somehow I started believing in things that were misunderstandings. I started thinking of things that put me down. I started believing that I was less worthy, looked down upon, disliked, a tyrant of some sort. I started believing that I had been wrong all along, that everything I did to help was not good enough. Yes, I started believing that. Because I had put my trust in someone, and it turns out this person was two-faced and critical. But I trusted them. So I believed them.

I like snacks. I think they cheer me up. Tomorrow I'm also getting a guinea pig. I wonder what I will name it. In any case, I will choose a funny looking one, to make me happy. Maybe I will end up fulfilling my summer wish list after all. I just didn't know I had to deal with this whole crap to get it.

I wonder how I will survive church tomorrow. I think it's a nice church, nice people. I just didn't know one of them was going to give me a breakdown. Well, we'll see. God help me.

God showed me a miracle today. My friend Lillian from Montreal just "happened" to walk into the same elevator that I was in at the nursing home. I never knew she was going to be there. I was in fact praying that I could contact her, because my phone was out of my possession. It was completely random, or completely God should I say.

Many random coincidences have been happening lately. I see the world with eternal eyes now, so seriously, miracles are everywhere. I just had to open up my eyes to notice them.

I don't want to think about my teens anymore. It makes me sad that I will be leaving them. I taught about perseverance, but this time, I couldn't do it myself. I was too hurt. I will really miss them though, and I don't really know how I can explain my departure to them. I'm sure they will be asking.

I hate MFN right now. But I will forgive and learn to love this person again. God is our judge, no revenge is needed. It was seriously probably all a misunderstanding.