I was once again crying over Harold this time today after coming back from my parents home. At my parents home I was crying over my family. I swear this bipolar disorder is getting worse and worse. The more friends I talk to the more I cry and so once and for all I decided to do it Paul the apostle's way.
Paul the apostle in the Bible when he got arrested and put in jail for preaching Christianity, he started singing in the jail. He didn't cry he just sang. So why can't I?
So I started singing. And now all the pain is gone. Magic. I was practicing "Listen" by Beyonce. One day I'll perfect it and if someone can buy me a digital camera with videorecording option for Christmas, I'll post up more and more youtube videos of all the songs I've been practicing this year!
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Dear God
Dear God,
What have I got to do to make this pain end? I can't believe I've been crying for the whole night already I didn't even know that this long time crying was possible. Dear God I love you but why do I still hold on to Christos like this? It is impossible that I marry him and it was never the right decision in the first place so why am I still like this?
I just want to down some anti-depression pills to make this stop, I don't want to cry anymore. Please God can you please save me? What's wrong with me? Why am I bipolar? Why can't I make up my own mind?
The stupid pills make me sleep like 14 hours a day I don't want to take them anymore but yet the pain it comes back so strong when I don't take them. Every time I'm happy I suddenly get sad again it's all the stupid bipolar fault I don't understand.
So confused, just want to go to my heavenly home I am NOT going to kill myself I just want to be in a place where there is no pain, where love lasts forever and where I can just be 100% happy and don't need to worry about pain coming back.
God, please listen to me, I am desperate and I cannot do this anymore.
What have I got to do to make this pain end? I can't believe I've been crying for the whole night already I didn't even know that this long time crying was possible. Dear God I love you but why do I still hold on to Christos like this? It is impossible that I marry him and it was never the right decision in the first place so why am I still like this?
I just want to down some anti-depression pills to make this stop, I don't want to cry anymore. Please God can you please save me? What's wrong with me? Why am I bipolar? Why can't I make up my own mind?
The stupid pills make me sleep like 14 hours a day I don't want to take them anymore but yet the pain it comes back so strong when I don't take them. Every time I'm happy I suddenly get sad again it's all the stupid bipolar fault I don't understand.
So confused, just want to go to my heavenly home I am NOT going to kill myself I just want to be in a place where there is no pain, where love lasts forever and where I can just be 100% happy and don't need to worry about pain coming back.
God, please listen to me, I am desperate and I cannot do this anymore.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Truth hurts
First of all, I am going to apologize to all my readers that once again this blog post is a sad one about my feelings about Christos. But I trust that all of you who are good friends of mine will not judge me and will read knowing that I just need to let this out.
The two weeks that I ignored Christos when I first moved out and when I was trying to get over him completely, I felt so free and happy. I felt totally in love with Jesus. But once lifegroup started, I felt like I should text Christos again because I thought I was over it by then (WRONG) and I wanted to invite him back to lifegroup because of course the biggest wish I have for him is for him to have a personal relationship with Jesus.
I guess part of me also wanted to text him because I still wanted the friendship too, I felt like when I talk to him I do feel comfortable in some ways, I feel like he lavishes attention on me and makes me feel special and happy.
But this kind of happiness usually doesn't last. When I get slapped in the face with truth I break down and once again weep that I am once again trapped in a cycle of not being able to let him go, wanting him back, thinking about whether he ever really cared or just wanted me for my body. All that crap. Thinking about the times he seemed like he didn't care about me... yeah.
Tonight after youth group basically I was wanting to send him a picture of me like he requested (yes I am weak, I wanted to please him) God stopped me dead in my tracks and did not allow me to send all the pictures I wanted. I ended up just sending one and I prayed about it and I thought to myself this is the last picture I will ever send him. The more I try to get him to know God, the less he understands and maybe I should once and for all stop this crap and just let the silence speak more volumes.
I was crying my head off thinking about how Christos probably wanted to come see me at my house because he wanted to have sex with me, I was thinking about how maybe he never really loved me or cared, how I probably love him 100000000 times more than he loves me.
People probably think I'm stupid for loving a guy like this and if you ask me why I love him I can't tell you an answer. I just do. It's not that I feel sorry for him and that's why I love him. It's not the characteristics about him that I love. I love HIM. I'm not God but it's like God loving shitty people like us even though we never did anything to really love him.
I cried and cried and talked to Nada and Andrew on facebook, listened to Christian songs to comfort myself, just cried it all out. I really can't torture myself any longer. I am going to pray that God speaks to Christos, after he reads this (or whenever I guess that he has read this) I will block him from everything and stop talking to him for like at least a year. Honestly me keeping the friendship doesn't even help him one bit anyways.
Most of all, it doesn't help ME.
I can't believe I am pulling an all nighter just thinking about this. I lost my purity to this guy and it's been so long but I still feel strong feelings towards him for some reason. I still remember all the times we had, good and bad...
Sometimes I try to think of all the good that is in him, and especially at the beginning when he said I was his angel and the first time we broke up he was so mad he went and shot gunshots at the sky in the forest. Maybe he did love me then, I don't know.
I just know that I love him. And God knows too.
Please don't be afraid, but I just want to be honest. I thought about cutting myself again. I just want the pain to go away and for some reason thinking about cutting myself is like an automatic thinking. I won't do it I promise but I am in such pain, I'm still crying now.
Friends can only help so much. They can give advices but honestly it's up to me. I need to listen to God more than anything and just follow my own path.
Part of me just wants Christos to come back to me, say he's sorry, hold me and let me cry in his arms. But Jesus loves me more and I think Jesus deserves more love than anything and I know Jesus will hold me.
Christos if you're reading this I'm sorry if I hurt you, I know I'm always back and forth but this really means a lot to me if you can just read everything and try to understand. Please know I am only doing this because I am hurting and I love you so much , more than you will ever know.
The two weeks that I ignored Christos when I first moved out and when I was trying to get over him completely, I felt so free and happy. I felt totally in love with Jesus. But once lifegroup started, I felt like I should text Christos again because I thought I was over it by then (WRONG) and I wanted to invite him back to lifegroup because of course the biggest wish I have for him is for him to have a personal relationship with Jesus.
I guess part of me also wanted to text him because I still wanted the friendship too, I felt like when I talk to him I do feel comfortable in some ways, I feel like he lavishes attention on me and makes me feel special and happy.
But this kind of happiness usually doesn't last. When I get slapped in the face with truth I break down and once again weep that I am once again trapped in a cycle of not being able to let him go, wanting him back, thinking about whether he ever really cared or just wanted me for my body. All that crap. Thinking about the times he seemed like he didn't care about me... yeah.
Tonight after youth group basically I was wanting to send him a picture of me like he requested (yes I am weak, I wanted to please him) God stopped me dead in my tracks and did not allow me to send all the pictures I wanted. I ended up just sending one and I prayed about it and I thought to myself this is the last picture I will ever send him. The more I try to get him to know God, the less he understands and maybe I should once and for all stop this crap and just let the silence speak more volumes.
I was crying my head off thinking about how Christos probably wanted to come see me at my house because he wanted to have sex with me, I was thinking about how maybe he never really loved me or cared, how I probably love him 100000000 times more than he loves me.
People probably think I'm stupid for loving a guy like this and if you ask me why I love him I can't tell you an answer. I just do. It's not that I feel sorry for him and that's why I love him. It's not the characteristics about him that I love. I love HIM. I'm not God but it's like God loving shitty people like us even though we never did anything to really love him.
I cried and cried and talked to Nada and Andrew on facebook, listened to Christian songs to comfort myself, just cried it all out. I really can't torture myself any longer. I am going to pray that God speaks to Christos, after he reads this (or whenever I guess that he has read this) I will block him from everything and stop talking to him for like at least a year. Honestly me keeping the friendship doesn't even help him one bit anyways.
Most of all, it doesn't help ME.
I can't believe I am pulling an all nighter just thinking about this. I lost my purity to this guy and it's been so long but I still feel strong feelings towards him for some reason. I still remember all the times we had, good and bad...
Sometimes I try to think of all the good that is in him, and especially at the beginning when he said I was his angel and the first time we broke up he was so mad he went and shot gunshots at the sky in the forest. Maybe he did love me then, I don't know.
I just know that I love him. And God knows too.
Please don't be afraid, but I just want to be honest. I thought about cutting myself again. I just want the pain to go away and for some reason thinking about cutting myself is like an automatic thinking. I won't do it I promise but I am in such pain, I'm still crying now.
Friends can only help so much. They can give advices but honestly it's up to me. I need to listen to God more than anything and just follow my own path.
Part of me just wants Christos to come back to me, say he's sorry, hold me and let me cry in his arms. But Jesus loves me more and I think Jesus deserves more love than anything and I know Jesus will hold me.
Christos if you're reading this I'm sorry if I hurt you, I know I'm always back and forth but this really means a lot to me if you can just read everything and try to understand. Please know I am only doing this because I am hurting and I love you so much , more than you will ever know.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
The chapter Psalm 23 in the Bible is pretty famous, but if we really think about the words they are POWERFUL. The first verse is usually translated "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want". Other translations also clarify, saying "The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing" or "... I have all that I need". Can we believe so hard that God is going to take care of us that we also believe that we don't need to want anything more or lack anything?
I've been thinking lately. The first two weeks after I moved out, I was totally in love with Jesus, just spending 3 times a day with him, once at every meal, praying and reading the Bible. As school and responsibilities got more busy, I started skipping times with God and just rushing through life. When I started rushing through life or just drifting with it ("going with the flow" rather than making time for God), I started to feel like I was lacking something.
A man. Yeah. That again. I started wondering once again how come it didn't work out with Harold, or wanting the comfort of Christos back (he was just always there, talking with me every day, his words were like fake honey, like glucose fructose, and I say fake and not sugar because God's Word is supposed to be the real deal).
It all starts with desire. If we desire God more than anything, we will be satisfied and feel like we don't need anything except God. Let me tell you, that is a freeing feeling. The first two weeks after I moved out I never felt so at peace and free. I had fun serving at church and I had full confidence that everything was going to be ok. Now? I'm fluctuating. I'm realizing I need to get back to desiring God first, instead of trying to make myself happy through my own methods.
When I am good with God, I am joyful, confident, and free. I need to stay that way. To do that, I need to say no to temporary pleasures that may make me end up in pain or trouble (e.g. Christos wants to see me alone... AGAIN!) I can't let things like that happen, no matter how much it seems appealing in the short term. I need to love God more. I need to be lovesick for Jesus and no one else.
I've been thinking lately. The first two weeks after I moved out, I was totally in love with Jesus, just spending 3 times a day with him, once at every meal, praying and reading the Bible. As school and responsibilities got more busy, I started skipping times with God and just rushing through life. When I started rushing through life or just drifting with it ("going with the flow" rather than making time for God), I started to feel like I was lacking something.
A man. Yeah. That again. I started wondering once again how come it didn't work out with Harold, or wanting the comfort of Christos back (he was just always there, talking with me every day, his words were like fake honey, like glucose fructose, and I say fake and not sugar because God's Word is supposed to be the real deal).
It all starts with desire. If we desire God more than anything, we will be satisfied and feel like we don't need anything except God. Let me tell you, that is a freeing feeling. The first two weeks after I moved out I never felt so at peace and free. I had fun serving at church and I had full confidence that everything was going to be ok. Now? I'm fluctuating. I'm realizing I need to get back to desiring God first, instead of trying to make myself happy through my own methods.
When I am good with God, I am joyful, confident, and free. I need to stay that way. To do that, I need to say no to temporary pleasures that may make me end up in pain or trouble (e.g. Christos wants to see me alone... AGAIN!) I can't let things like that happen, no matter how much it seems appealing in the short term. I need to love God more. I need to be lovesick for Jesus and no one else.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Just let it go
Today as I was waiting for Selena at the restaurant for lunch, I suddenly felt sad and lonely. Maybe it has to do with my period, being more emotional than normal. Maybe it also had to do with people last Wednesday reminding me of Christos. Maybe it also had to do with two of my church people getting married tomorrow. Or maybe seeing my housemate with her boyfriend, or knowing that today my sister is spending time with her boyfriend Nick. In any case I cried a little at the restaurant. But I felt better after I texted Christos about it. Somehow he cheers me up. But I also have to let him go. I don't know how to describe it to you, but I do feel better now.
I guess this week my hyperness from last week wore off, and I was less focused and thinking too much. I don't really know. But I just know that I am better now. I keep reminding myself that Christos was not the one for me, and the Bible verse "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart". I am calm now. And I'll be ok.
I guess this week my hyperness from last week wore off, and I was less focused and thinking too much. I don't really know. But I just know that I am better now. I keep reminding myself that Christos was not the one for me, and the Bible verse "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart". I am calm now. And I'll be ok.
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