I never knew I could be so excited about doing my job! I love my youth, they make me laugh so much and after each time I hang out with them I have so much excitement just thinking of them that it's hard to sleep at night. I love serving God! I love my youth! I love planning activities for them, preaching, seeing lives changed and seeing the effect of my example on them. It's amazing! Praise God and Thank God for this opportunity!
Chester Le is a challenge though because unlike the youth at Charis church they are already involved in drug dealing, seeing things the way the world tells them, and having some attitude problems. But there are still kids and youth open to church people. And it may take some time but I hope to get to know them more and hopefully they will get back on the right track. I may not be able to change the world, but I can affect one person at a time.
Lifegroup is going well. We have new people joining and it's a great time. Sometimes I can't fall asleep because I'm excited for lifegroup too. Haha... so much lost sleep.
Yeah my sleeping schedule has been very very random. Either I'm too excited and don't sleep much, or I get exhausted from that and sleep a lot. Last night I tried to sleep early but woke up a few times in the middle of the night. Oh well. The most important thing is that I am still doing well and have enough energy to do everything. Nothing is a burden anymore, everything is a joy!
There is a lot to do. But one step at a time :)
Monday, September 23, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
The busy but good life
I haven't updated in a while because school started and things are very busy. There is a LOT of reading, more than last year, and also a lot of ministry stuff to take care of but I'm enjoying it. Being a youth pastor is an exciting challenge, sometimes feel like there is not enough time to do everything I would like to do for the youth.
I might get a "second job". In fact it might not really be another job, just that I get paid for the volunteer work that I already do. I proposed to Grace Gospel Church that maybe I could get paid for serving with outreach because I have been turning down tutoring jobs to focus on it. I proposed 5 hours a week of pay but soon after they were also considering paying me for teaching youth on Sunday mornings, which wouldn't be too much of a burden because I would be teaching them the same thing that I would teach the Charis church youth in the afternoon.
This happened after I prayed that God would provide for my finances. I totally believe in God's promises to provide for His children.
I'm excited for the Charis youth because I have a lot of ideas on how to train them up well and also have a lot of fun. We already discussed the topic last week "Why would God allow suffering?" and they had a lot of additional questions. This upcoming Friday we are discussing "sex and dating".
For Christmas I want them to get involved making care packages for refugees. In Feb. I want to bring them to a Christian Bible snow camp. I think it will be really fun, hopefully it works out.
Gotta run soon, class tonight!
I might get a "second job". In fact it might not really be another job, just that I get paid for the volunteer work that I already do. I proposed to Grace Gospel Church that maybe I could get paid for serving with outreach because I have been turning down tutoring jobs to focus on it. I proposed 5 hours a week of pay but soon after they were also considering paying me for teaching youth on Sunday mornings, which wouldn't be too much of a burden because I would be teaching them the same thing that I would teach the Charis church youth in the afternoon.
This happened after I prayed that God would provide for my finances. I totally believe in God's promises to provide for His children.
I'm excited for the Charis youth because I have a lot of ideas on how to train them up well and also have a lot of fun. We already discussed the topic last week "Why would God allow suffering?" and they had a lot of additional questions. This upcoming Friday we are discussing "sex and dating".
For Christmas I want them to get involved making care packages for refugees. In Feb. I want to bring them to a Christian Bible snow camp. I think it will be really fun, hopefully it works out.
Gotta run soon, class tonight!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Loving my family
Living here in my new place, it's easy to forget about my family and just enjoy the peace, quiet, and independence. However, I was reminded this week that I should still keep in touch with my family members. What if one day an accident happened and they were taken away? Then I would regret not giving them the time.
My mom and I talk every day, but my dad probably feels neglected, now that I think about it. Next time I call my mom I should also call my dad and my sister and my grandma and my aunt. (My aunt emailed me asking me if I was ok and said that she and Grandma were worrying about me)
God, please help me to learn how to love my family.
My mom and I talk every day, but my dad probably feels neglected, now that I think about it. Next time I call my mom I should also call my dad and my sister and my grandma and my aunt. (My aunt emailed me asking me if I was ok and said that she and Grandma were worrying about me)
God, please help me to learn how to love my family.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
God brought me there just in time
Yesterday I went to the hospital with my teens (the two twin girls) and shared the gospel with their grandpa. He was not able to speak and not able to move much, but we communicated to him through asking him to wiggle his eyebrows. I introduced myself as the twin girls' friend, and told him about Jesus' love, told him that if in his heart he said "Save me Jesus", then he could go to heaven and one day be with his family again. After I shared with him the gospel I could see in his eyes and face that he had peace and wanted to believe. The twins' mom even said, "if you want to believe, wiggle your eyebrows" and after a while of not moving, he wiggled his eyebrows. The skeptic in me wonders whether he did it just to please his family rather than really believing but the believer in me saw the peace in his eyes and I really do believe he accepted Christ. The twins and the twins' mom also felt extremely sure that he believed in Christ yesterday. He passed away at around 12-1am this morning.
Thank you God for bringing me there just in time. Otherwise the twins' or the twins' mom wouldn't really know how to share the gospel because they are new Christians and felt so shocked that they couldn't even say much. Thank you God for giving us the time of singing songs to the grandpa . During one of the songs he wiggled his eyebrows so much I really felt like he liked the song.
Life is so so so fragile. Treasure your days and make the most of each moment. Don't hesitate, just share the gospel with love whenever you can. God loves each person and doesn't want them to be lost. I care about all of you my dear readers and I will pray for you and your families tonight.
Thank you God for bringing me there just in time. Otherwise the twins' or the twins' mom wouldn't really know how to share the gospel because they are new Christians and felt so shocked that they couldn't even say much. Thank you God for giving us the time of singing songs to the grandpa . During one of the songs he wiggled his eyebrows so much I really felt like he liked the song.
Life is so so so fragile. Treasure your days and make the most of each moment. Don't hesitate, just share the gospel with love whenever you can. God loves each person and doesn't want them to be lost. I care about all of you my dear readers and I will pray for you and your families tonight.
Friday, September 6, 2013
God uses our pain for good
I can't sleep tonight, but I don't mind. I have been just praying and thinking back on my life, and thinking about my teens (yes, I call them MY teens because I love them so much) at Charis church. I cried too, for several reasons but none of the reasons are because I am sad. Let me explain.
Tonight one of my teens told me her grandpa has only a few days to live, according to what the doctor said. As I listened to her, my eyes started welling up but I tried not to cry in front of her. I just felt what she felt because when I was around her age, in grade 9, my grandpa passed away. For her it's even harder because right now her grandpa is not Christian yet and she is afraid about him not being able to go to heaven. I told her I would pray for him and that I would go with them to visit him tomorrow and pray for him.
As I thought about tomorrow's visit, what I would say to the hurting family, what would I say if I had the chance to talk to the dying grandpa, I realized that God prepared me for this way beforehand. In the past, when I was in high school, I was upset because I never had the chance to go to church youth fellowship every Friday. My parents didn't allow me and instead told me to go to Mandarin school every Friday. I felt left out of the church fellowship because everyone would be bonding and having fun on Friday night while I was in Mandarin school.
But now I know that God was trying to train me for this moment. If I couldn't speak Mandarin, I would not be able to talk to the teen's dying grandpa. I realize that my pain in the past of losing my own grandpa in grade nine and also my so called "pain" of being left out of the church fellowship was actually so that I could help this family who is suffering.
Similar thing with my bipolar disorder. After a while, my symptoms weren't that bad. Sometimes I want to ask, God why would you allow mental illness to happen to people? Especially one friend I visited today, she tried to kill herself a few times already. I know the answer. It doesn't really have to do with God, it has to do with the fact that this world is broken, people are stressed and/or inherit mental illnesses. But God gave me a "taste" of bipolar disorder and helped me recover because He wanted me to be able to help others with mental illnesses. So far, I have met countless friends with mental illnesses. At the very least I know how it feels to be confused in a hospital, to believe things that are ridiculous and illogical, to feel like I want to die, to feel like no one understands. I know God helped me through my bipolar disorder so that I can in turn help others whom He has placed on my path. I pray for them.
I am not trying to boast or anything. I am just saying that God has a plan. When we go through pain, we may not understand at first why this is happening. But later you will understand, and you can thank God for putting you through that pain because later it will turn out for good.
I totally surrender my life to Jesus now. He is my only lover and closest friend. As I was praying I asked Jesus to fill the hole in my heart. The hole that was created 10 years ago when I broke up with my first boyfriend. The hole that was never properly healed or filled. I now know that Jesus was being patient with me. He was waiting for me to come to Him with all my pain and let Him embrace me.
Now I'm listening to Backstreet Boys with a totally different perspective... Jesus is the one for me. Even if a guy asks me out right now, no thank you. I want to enjoy Jesus and be fully devoted to Him, and only when He tells me it is the right time, for sure, I can start dating again. But I am in no rush. The past week when I spent every meal reading His Word (Bible) and praying, I have never been more satisfied with life.
Try this! Listen to the song below while imagining the Chorus being sung by Jesus! it fits His personality and how He loves us.
Tonight one of my teens told me her grandpa has only a few days to live, according to what the doctor said. As I listened to her, my eyes started welling up but I tried not to cry in front of her. I just felt what she felt because when I was around her age, in grade 9, my grandpa passed away. For her it's even harder because right now her grandpa is not Christian yet and she is afraid about him not being able to go to heaven. I told her I would pray for him and that I would go with them to visit him tomorrow and pray for him.
As I thought about tomorrow's visit, what I would say to the hurting family, what would I say if I had the chance to talk to the dying grandpa, I realized that God prepared me for this way beforehand. In the past, when I was in high school, I was upset because I never had the chance to go to church youth fellowship every Friday. My parents didn't allow me and instead told me to go to Mandarin school every Friday. I felt left out of the church fellowship because everyone would be bonding and having fun on Friday night while I was in Mandarin school.
But now I know that God was trying to train me for this moment. If I couldn't speak Mandarin, I would not be able to talk to the teen's dying grandpa. I realize that my pain in the past of losing my own grandpa in grade nine and also my so called "pain" of being left out of the church fellowship was actually so that I could help this family who is suffering.
Similar thing with my bipolar disorder. After a while, my symptoms weren't that bad. Sometimes I want to ask, God why would you allow mental illness to happen to people? Especially one friend I visited today, she tried to kill herself a few times already. I know the answer. It doesn't really have to do with God, it has to do with the fact that this world is broken, people are stressed and/or inherit mental illnesses. But God gave me a "taste" of bipolar disorder and helped me recover because He wanted me to be able to help others with mental illnesses. So far, I have met countless friends with mental illnesses. At the very least I know how it feels to be confused in a hospital, to believe things that are ridiculous and illogical, to feel like I want to die, to feel like no one understands. I know God helped me through my bipolar disorder so that I can in turn help others whom He has placed on my path. I pray for them.
I am not trying to boast or anything. I am just saying that God has a plan. When we go through pain, we may not understand at first why this is happening. But later you will understand, and you can thank God for putting you through that pain because later it will turn out for good.
I totally surrender my life to Jesus now. He is my only lover and closest friend. As I was praying I asked Jesus to fill the hole in my heart. The hole that was created 10 years ago when I broke up with my first boyfriend. The hole that was never properly healed or filled. I now know that Jesus was being patient with me. He was waiting for me to come to Him with all my pain and let Him embrace me.
Now I'm listening to Backstreet Boys with a totally different perspective... Jesus is the one for me. Even if a guy asks me out right now, no thank you. I want to enjoy Jesus and be fully devoted to Him, and only when He tells me it is the right time, for sure, I can start dating again. But I am in no rush. The past week when I spent every meal reading His Word (Bible) and praying, I have never been more satisfied with life.
Try this! Listen to the song below while imagining the Chorus being sung by Jesus! it fits His personality and how He loves us.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Am I ready for the battle?
Getting emails from my friend Cymone in Hong Kong makes me realize that spiritual warfare is very very real. She wants to start an online ministry where she sells products and accessories, and on the website will also be information about the gospel. She felt called to leave her comfortable home in Canada and go live in a rented ugly and leaky apartment in Hong Kong. In fact, before she moved into the leaky apartment she had a vision that it would be leaky, before even seeing it.
And she told me that every time she was praying for someone or doing God's work, obstacles would come, for example her body would have sudden pains or somehow she wouldn't be able to find the classroom or location of where she wanted to go. She lives in a dangerous area with dark alleys but she trusts in God that she will be safe, her spiritual eyes helped her see that angels were guarding her.
Not only that, but recently her laptop literally burned up in smoke. All she did was press the power button, it didn't overheat but it burned up in smoke so much that you could see the smoke and there was a burnt mark on her desk.
However, telling you all these spiritual things cannot convince you that God and Satan are real. Jesus said, people who see even miracles would not believe. It takes faith to believe. Faith is believing in something you cannot see, and being sure of what you hope for.
Usually God works backwards. The world will say, show us a miracle and we will believe. Jesus says, believe, and I will show you a miracle. It was only after I became Christian that I felt God's presence, experienced struggles with Satan, and saw miracles and heard God's voice. I cannot really explain to you because you will just think I am hallucinating or something. But God is real. And He loves you.
And she told me that every time she was praying for someone or doing God's work, obstacles would come, for example her body would have sudden pains or somehow she wouldn't be able to find the classroom or location of where she wanted to go. She lives in a dangerous area with dark alleys but she trusts in God that she will be safe, her spiritual eyes helped her see that angels were guarding her.
Not only that, but recently her laptop literally burned up in smoke. All she did was press the power button, it didn't overheat but it burned up in smoke so much that you could see the smoke and there was a burnt mark on her desk.
However, telling you all these spiritual things cannot convince you that God and Satan are real. Jesus said, people who see even miracles would not believe. It takes faith to believe. Faith is believing in something you cannot see, and being sure of what you hope for.
Usually God works backwards. The world will say, show us a miracle and we will believe. Jesus says, believe, and I will show you a miracle. It was only after I became Christian that I felt God's presence, experienced struggles with Satan, and saw miracles and heard God's voice. I cannot really explain to you because you will just think I am hallucinating or something. But God is real. And He loves you.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Letters
Tonight I feel like writing some letters. The first one is to you, the reader. The second one is to Christos, the man I somehow love even after so much hurt has been caused by me loving him. The third one is to Jesus.
---
Dear Reader and Friend,
Thanks for being there for me when I needed it. I know you are thinking of me and you care for me. As I write this, tears come to my eyes, I'm not even sure why. Maybe because without you, my most trusted friends whom I can share my deepest darkest secrets with, I would feel very alone. I would feel like crap, basically.
Some of you have known me for a long time, some of you shorter. But all of you mean a lot to me. And there is a reason why I trust you enough to let you read my blog. You have shown yourselves to be true friends. And I want to encourage you too.
I know sometimes this blog may worry you, you may feel the sadness that is in me, so I thank you for bearing with me. Sometimes I feel like my blog posts don't really tell you everything, but you get a piece of it, at least.
Sometimes I do worry about whether I should even say something on my blog. I know you won't judge me, but maybe you would judge Christianity? Especially those of you who aren't Christian, I feel like my blog will talk about things that non-Christians won't understand, and you may even feel repulsed by what I say or disagree strongly. You are entitled to your own opinion, and thanks for allowing me to share my view with you. Sometimes I don't explain my faith and my God well at all. And Christians can be extremely imperfect people. I mean, just look at me.
It's like playing a saxophone. Unless you have learned to play the saxophone, you wouldn't really understand the joy of playing saxophone with great skill. Similar thing with knowing Jesus. I enjoy Jesus a lot and I hear his voice from time to time. You wouldn't know what it feels like unless you really knew Him. I am not saying that I am more skilled than you, I am just using the saxophone playing as an example. I really hope you can enjoy this one day, knowing Jesus so deeply that you feel like you are dancing with Him, you hear His voice speaking and comforting you, and knowing for sure that He is alive and real in your heart even though most people just think of him as a historical person who lived 2000 years ago.
Anyway, back to what I was originally saying. Thanks for being there. You mean a lot to me. I see you as my equal, my family, my friends. You are all wonderful people.
Your friend, Martine
--------------------
Christos,
I know that you won't be able to read this unless you really cared so much that you decided to hack into it and find this. This letter was really meant for me to try to express my feelings.
I'm sorry I had to block you again from facebook and my blog, and not answering your texts without any explanation of why I did that (again). I just felt that if I explained, you wouldn't understand and would try to convince me that it's OK to keep in contact and be attached to you.
I see the good in you, I really do. I care about you so much. These last few days have not been easy for me, thought about you every day, thought about whether I should just text you back, because I missed you and wanted to be your friend.
What you don't understand is... well, you really won't understand and will probably take it the wrong way... the space that you occupy in my heart is supposed to be Jesus' spot and Jesus wants it back. Being so attached to you is unhealthy to my spiritual health. I am torn because I really do want to be your friend and have you come to lifegroup but on the other hand I haven't healed from our breakup and I haven't fallen in love with Jesus and stayed in love with Jesus. I was basically cheating on Jesus by being with you.
I have forgiven you for the things you have done to hurt me so I don't blame you for anything. I blame it all on myself. I lack self control and lack wisdom, that is how I got myself in this mess in the first place and I beat myself up for not putting up boundaries since day one. If I had guarded my heart and not started a relationship with you back in February none of this would have happened.
I told you the truth when I said I never loved a man so much. Oh no I'm tearing up again. I really wish I could just tell you and that you would understand but you won't, the moment I text you back it's going to start the cycle all over again, me being attached to you and holding on to the little comfort that I have in you rather than the greater comfort that Jesus is trying to offer me.
And you would be mad that I brought up Jesus and you would be mad that I'm somehow choosing God over you, you would be.
I know you care about me, I know you do. That's why it hurts to ignore you like this. I wish I could just hug you and we would just all be OK. But life doesn't work like that.
I'm praying for you, you know that means I care about you.
I'm sorry.
Goodbye for now, Christos... I'll let you know when I have fully healed and when Jesus is back in His spot and when He says I can talk to you again.
---------
Dear Jesus,
Thank you for the beautiful day I got to spend with Josh, Karl, and others at the CNE today. It was the last official day of summer for most people and it was so fun, I forgot about all my pain and struggles, at least for about 10 hours. I really felt like you were making sure I was okay, because when it was pouring rain I just happened to be under an overhang, and right when I was walking out of the overhang the rain lessened so much that it wasn't even bad.
I got to see the Superdogs show which I really liked, and also an acrobatics show. I really liked the black and white dog that liked to bite on the rope. That one was really cute.
Dear Jesus, I am sorry for being unfaithful to you in the past. I want to love you more from now on and listen to you very carefully. Not just hear, but also listen, as in obey. I know you want the best for me so I want to ask you to help me live my life in a way that is healthy and good.
Please help me heal from my past pain. There was so much deep pain that my counselor and I talked about. Just knowing about the sources of pain doesn't really help. I need You to actually heal me and I need to be willing to be healed. I heard the healing process can be painful and slow.
Thanks for giving Cymone the words to encourage me. She really knows how to listen to your voice. She said that when she prayed for me she saw a picture of me walking with her through the process of healing.
I have many things to talk with you about and I know you will listen. Please help me to listen to you too. I love you Jesus
Yours, Martine
---
Dear Reader and Friend,
Thanks for being there for me when I needed it. I know you are thinking of me and you care for me. As I write this, tears come to my eyes, I'm not even sure why. Maybe because without you, my most trusted friends whom I can share my deepest darkest secrets with, I would feel very alone. I would feel like crap, basically.
Some of you have known me for a long time, some of you shorter. But all of you mean a lot to me. And there is a reason why I trust you enough to let you read my blog. You have shown yourselves to be true friends. And I want to encourage you too.
I know sometimes this blog may worry you, you may feel the sadness that is in me, so I thank you for bearing with me. Sometimes I feel like my blog posts don't really tell you everything, but you get a piece of it, at least.
Sometimes I do worry about whether I should even say something on my blog. I know you won't judge me, but maybe you would judge Christianity? Especially those of you who aren't Christian, I feel like my blog will talk about things that non-Christians won't understand, and you may even feel repulsed by what I say or disagree strongly. You are entitled to your own opinion, and thanks for allowing me to share my view with you. Sometimes I don't explain my faith and my God well at all. And Christians can be extremely imperfect people. I mean, just look at me.
It's like playing a saxophone. Unless you have learned to play the saxophone, you wouldn't really understand the joy of playing saxophone with great skill. Similar thing with knowing Jesus. I enjoy Jesus a lot and I hear his voice from time to time. You wouldn't know what it feels like unless you really knew Him. I am not saying that I am more skilled than you, I am just using the saxophone playing as an example. I really hope you can enjoy this one day, knowing Jesus so deeply that you feel like you are dancing with Him, you hear His voice speaking and comforting you, and knowing for sure that He is alive and real in your heart even though most people just think of him as a historical person who lived 2000 years ago.
Anyway, back to what I was originally saying. Thanks for being there. You mean a lot to me. I see you as my equal, my family, my friends. You are all wonderful people.
Your friend, Martine
--------------------
Christos,
I know that you won't be able to read this unless you really cared so much that you decided to hack into it and find this. This letter was really meant for me to try to express my feelings.
I'm sorry I had to block you again from facebook and my blog, and not answering your texts without any explanation of why I did that (again). I just felt that if I explained, you wouldn't understand and would try to convince me that it's OK to keep in contact and be attached to you.
I see the good in you, I really do. I care about you so much. These last few days have not been easy for me, thought about you every day, thought about whether I should just text you back, because I missed you and wanted to be your friend.
What you don't understand is... well, you really won't understand and will probably take it the wrong way... the space that you occupy in my heart is supposed to be Jesus' spot and Jesus wants it back. Being so attached to you is unhealthy to my spiritual health. I am torn because I really do want to be your friend and have you come to lifegroup but on the other hand I haven't healed from our breakup and I haven't fallen in love with Jesus and stayed in love with Jesus. I was basically cheating on Jesus by being with you.
I have forgiven you for the things you have done to hurt me so I don't blame you for anything. I blame it all on myself. I lack self control and lack wisdom, that is how I got myself in this mess in the first place and I beat myself up for not putting up boundaries since day one. If I had guarded my heart and not started a relationship with you back in February none of this would have happened.
I told you the truth when I said I never loved a man so much. Oh no I'm tearing up again. I really wish I could just tell you and that you would understand but you won't, the moment I text you back it's going to start the cycle all over again, me being attached to you and holding on to the little comfort that I have in you rather than the greater comfort that Jesus is trying to offer me.
And you would be mad that I brought up Jesus and you would be mad that I'm somehow choosing God over you, you would be.
I know you care about me, I know you do. That's why it hurts to ignore you like this. I wish I could just hug you and we would just all be OK. But life doesn't work like that.
I'm praying for you, you know that means I care about you.
I'm sorry.
Goodbye for now, Christos... I'll let you know when I have fully healed and when Jesus is back in His spot and when He says I can talk to you again.
---------
Dear Jesus,
Thank you for the beautiful day I got to spend with Josh, Karl, and others at the CNE today. It was the last official day of summer for most people and it was so fun, I forgot about all my pain and struggles, at least for about 10 hours. I really felt like you were making sure I was okay, because when it was pouring rain I just happened to be under an overhang, and right when I was walking out of the overhang the rain lessened so much that it wasn't even bad.
I got to see the Superdogs show which I really liked, and also an acrobatics show. I really liked the black and white dog that liked to bite on the rope. That one was really cute.
Dear Jesus, I am sorry for being unfaithful to you in the past. I want to love you more from now on and listen to you very carefully. Not just hear, but also listen, as in obey. I know you want the best for me so I want to ask you to help me live my life in a way that is healthy and good.
Please help me heal from my past pain. There was so much deep pain that my counselor and I talked about. Just knowing about the sources of pain doesn't really help. I need You to actually heal me and I need to be willing to be healed. I heard the healing process can be painful and slow.
Thanks for giving Cymone the words to encourage me. She really knows how to listen to your voice. She said that when she prayed for me she saw a picture of me walking with her through the process of healing.
I have many things to talk with you about and I know you will listen. Please help me to listen to you too. I love you Jesus
Yours, Martine
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