Where there is God, there is a way

After moving into my new place, I went to Jen's house for sharing and prayer.  I felt very supported by Karl, Jen, and Aaron during that time.  I know what I need to work on ... Aaron pointed out that I am so feelings oriented and always focused on what makes me happy or what makes others happy.  That has actually made me go all over the place in a mess.  What about doing what's right?  And doing what's right will in the end bring me to a constant joy that is not based on circumstances.

I feel better right now.  I know I haven't fully healed yet but I will. 

Here's to a new start.

Reopened wounds

I don't even know where to start with this one.  I don't even know if I can finish writing this post in 15 minutes (right now I just have some spare time before Karl and Aaron come to help me move my stuff to my new place).

The past few days have been kind of hard for me.  Reopened wounds.  Pastor Fiona, my dear mentor, came back from California and finally met up with me again on Wednesday.  I told her everything.  She was very concerned for me because turns out I never fully healed from the whole Christos thing, I just kind of covered up and moved on.  The most obvious sign was that three Fridays ago I met up with Christos and we kissed.  And we still text and if you analyze my texts you will see that I am still attached to him.

Pastor Fiona asked me, what if it was a younger teen who was sitting here and they told you the same story, what advice would you give them?  Obviously don't talk to the guy again, because he convinced you to do something that you didn't want to do (the sexual stuff).  Pastor Fiona puts it this way, that he took advantage of me.  Me being very forgiving I just forgave him and decided to keep being his friend.  But I do understand that keeping in touch with Christos isn't healthy for me.  He is not attached to me anymore (or maybe he is, I don't know) but I am attached to him and it is unhealthy for my mind and heart.

The pain is reopened.  I told my supervising pastor about it (the pastor at Charis church, my new job) after Pastor Fiona advised me to.  At first I thought if I told him what I did I would lose my job because I would be considered a bad example to young people.  But thank God, the pastor forgave me and still sees me as a good potential pastor.  However I was living paralyzed in fear for one day before I gave him the call and told him.  The reason why I had to tell him, is because a pastor or leader is supposed to live in integrity.

Now the question is how do I get over this guy.  I feel like part of me wants to hold on.  I already blocked him off facebook and he can't read my blog, and I stopped texting him back.  But one day I know he will show up at the church lifegroup again and I'll have to be strong, just say hi, and smile and I don't even know what's going to happen.  The original reason why I kept in touch with him was because I knew he would come back to church and I wanted him to become a Christian, so I wanted to stay friends with him so that it wouldn't be awkward.

I think back to all my counseling sessions.  The reasons are so complex why I got myself into this mess.  It has to do with so many factors.  My past with my parents' breaking up me and my boyfriends and me trying to fix the pain by filling it with another boyfriend, my dad's absence in my life, my own lack of self control and lack of boundaries, me being buried into ministry and not having a constant mentor or accountability partner to look up to, my lack of fun times with friends, my people-pleasing nature, my relationship with God not being steady and me not letting God heal me and pour His love and affection on me... so complicated.  But it all still comes down to me and my choices.  I made the choices in the end, Christos didn't.  He influenced me and other factors influenced me but I was being stupid.

I don't think I forgave myself really.  Even if I did before, now the guilt is back.

I am just thankful that God forgives and always gives another chance, no matter how gross or filthy my mistakes are.  I was afraid that all that I enjoy doing would be taken away but thank God that that is not the case.

Dear God,

Please help me to heal and get over Christos once and for all, and make me your lovesick Bride, make me lovesick for You Jesus, I'm sorry for my unfaithfulness, please forgive me and remove my guilt.  God make me joyful again and pure again.  Help me to live every day not in fear but out of love for You.  Make me a free woman in your grace, free from sin and free from attachment of the wrong things.  Help Christos too in whatever way You think best.  I feel like he won't understand why I blocked him and ignore him but I pray you keep me strong and if I shouldn't contact him then help me to be strong and self controlled.  May your will be done.  Thanks for loving me.

Martine

One of the most touching stories in the Bible

John 8

New International Version (NIV)

8 ¹ but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.

² At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. ³ The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group ⁴ and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. ⁵ In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” ⁶ They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. ⁷ When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸ Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
⁹ At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. ¹⁰ Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
¹¹ “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Another new beginning

Today was the appreciation and farewell party for Lindsay, who was the Youth Worker at Charis Evangelical Free Church for the past year.  He is an amazing guy, honestly I really admire his heart for God and I can see the fruit of his teaching in the youth's hearts.  Starting next Sunday I officially start as the Youth Pastoral Intern at this church and Lindsay will be taking a break.  I am very happy to have found this church where I can serve and the hearts of the youth are so open to learn and they are all pretty easy to get along with.

At Charis I will be in charge of the youth fellowship, preaching, and Sunday school.  That is actually a lot to take care of but I will pray for God's guidance and I already found some possible good curriculum that I can use.  I'm excited to teach teens because I've been teaching children for 10 years and I really wanted to move on to impacting youth for Christ.

Another new beginning coming up is me moving out next weekend.  Yes, I have to pay my own rent and cook for myself.  I have to learn to live on my own.  Thank God that many people have donated materials to me so I don't need to buy too much new stuff for my new place.  I just hope that I don't offend my landlady in any way and that I will budget wisely.  I know my mom will probably call me every day because she will still be overprotective... I mean today I was at church for dinner and she thought since I didn't answer my phone that I fainted on the street.  Sheesh!

Also Gloria and I are starting the Sounds of Hope music and poetry club at Chester Le in Sept.  Yes, I will be crazy busy because we are going to run Sounds of Hope twice a week, once for kids and once for teens.  Hopefully we get more help so that I won't need to organize so much.  I'll have to work really hard this upcoming term in order to finish all my school assignments and all that.

Anyways overall I am excited... just pray that I don't burn out but instead spend lots of time in prayer and the Word to replenish energy and be joyful all the time!

beautiful songs that reflects my heart for Jesus

Feeling much much much better

Dear friends,

I went through a dark time earlier this week, but thank God Tues. night I talked to Ada and Jen, and slept, and the next day (wed) I felt pretty much back to normal.  I also decided to quit the Tyndale student council, because I felt it wasn't right for me to do "God's work" but not have enough time to spend with God.  (ironic!)

So instead of going to the Tyndale student council meeting today, I submitted my resignation and instead went to the gym, submitted my osap documents, and went to the Lovesick conference.

The Lovesick conference was deeply meaningful. The conference had a goal of bringing people back to being in love with Jesus, spending quality time with Him instead of being busily distracted by life's craziness.  We sang a lot, prayed, and listened to a message.  You have to be there to know what I'm talking about.  During the singing and musical worship, I felt as if I was getting a glimpse of heavenly sounds, I closed my eyes and saw Jesus there, holding my hand at the altar and inviting me to be his bride.  I felt very close to Jesus again, and I was joyful.  I swayed to the music, as if I was dancing with him.  You may think I'm crazy but it was a wonderful experience.

I asked Jesus to help me love him more and not get distracted by guys anymore.  I told him I wanted to commit myself totally to him and really live out what my purity ring and Jesus engagement ring really mean.  I told him I needed his help to stay focused on him and to be a single woman after God's own heart.

Tonight's message was about how loving God isn't about a feeling, it's about obeying his commands.  You can't say you love God truly if you don't obey, for example if you have not forgiven someone but you do a lot of church work, you aren't really loving God on His terms, because you are just doing work, you didn't even follow the command of forgiving someone.

Tomorrow I plan to go again to the evening session.  The topic is supposed to be "Spiritual violence" so we'll see what they have to say, should be interesting. I'll let you guys know what I learn. :)

Thanks to those who prayed for me and thought of me.  It really helps.  :)  Take care everyone and God bless you :)

Letter to myself

Dear Martine,

You're in a lot of pain.  You're just denying it.  You are trying to cover the pain by being busy, going everywhere, helping others, spending time with friends, but you are not addressing the real issue here.  You are sad.  You miss Alana and you regret not seeing her before she left for her heavenly home.  You also regret not seeing Mr. Kumar at the hospital, because you thought he would get better but he ended up in a fatal coma.

You are lonely.  Once again, you feel like as a leader you need to be strong for others, and you are reaching out to others but not getting the comfort you need from friends.  You text people, asking for prayers, you write vague comments on facebook that hints at your pain, but no one notices.  Only a few do, actually, and even then they are not too sure how to help you because you are hiding your pain, you don't know how to express it so that they can help.

You regret not being there at 4 of your friends' funerals this year.  One after the other, you feel like someone else is going to die soon and who is next?  You want to spend time with your family because they might die soon too, who knows.  But once again work gets in the way and you skipped out on the family trip yesterday and today.

Last Friday you hung onto Christos for comfort once again.  It seemed like he was the only one who texted back saying at least something about the loss of your friends.  Thuy cheered you up on Thursday and the Chester Le event cheered you up on Saturday, but Sunday the pain returned.

You need to cry.  Don't hold it in.  You need to grieve.

I think you're scared to grieve because you feel like you need to be strong and be there for everybody.  It's ok to be weak.  It's OK to feel sad.  Don't try to go for quick fixes again by going to guys.  It's only going to leave you more empty.

You made the right decision to quit the Tyndale student council.  You need time off.

Stop eating junk food to numb the pain.  You are just going to make yourself unhealthy.  Remember how Jesus dealt with his pain? He wept and he prayed.

So please Martine, don't be afraid to cry it out, as much as you want.  Pray to God and tell Him honestly how you feel.