More problems than good coming out of everything

I considered closing down my blog today.  I closed down my facebook already.  It's just that my life has become too open and people are starting to cause drama out of it.  Causing more harm than good.
The reason why I was so open in the first place is so that others could open up to me and see the real me.  And hopefully by seeing the real me they would not feel like they are alone and hopefully be inspired by the lessons in life that i learn.  But unfortunately this is not the result that I wanted.  I got more rumours spreading around and people looking down upon me or judging me.  (not everybody is doing that but somebody apparently is because Christos thinks I lied saying that he cheated on me when I never said that, I never even posted that on facebook anyways)  Anyways I'm annoyed and I am just praying that the truth comes out to everybody cuz it's just causing a big drama right now.

A prayer

Dear God,

Thank you for always welcoming me back into your arms.  I have often strayed away from you, trying to find my approval and satisfaction in guys.  It has always been my weakness. 

Another weakness is trying to help others so much that I sell myself short.  Lately I have been focusing on too many things and unfortunately you are not one of them.  I am sorry.  I feel like my mind has been everywhere but not on you.  And along with that, I have been losing touch with myself.

I feel that when I am most in touch with you God I am most in touch with myself.  I learn to love myself when I love you more.

A lot of times I get close to you when I am in a good mood and then when I'm in a bad or distracted mood I stray away from you.  I am sorry for my inconsistency Lord.

Right now I am unsure of many things in my life but I will rely on You to help me get back on track and refocus my life.  And I know You will lead me to the way everlasting.

Thanks for being there for me, even though I have failed you so many times.  Thanks for loving me.

I love you too God. Help me to love you more.

Yes, He is strong enough

Too many things on my mind

Things that are on my mind: (not in any particular order)

-moving out soon in August (things I need to get, things to ask Christina and Riley)
-Tyndale Student Council (amount of commitment needed, how am I going to manage everything)
-Christos (just remembering the times we spent together, missing him, but not that sad)
-Harold (yes, thinking about him again, how he fit the criteria of what I always wanted perfectly)
-Hebrew (how am I going to memorize all that grammar and vocabulary, how I'm falling behind)
-Chester Le (lots of meetings to attend to, how to effectively outreach)
-friends (people whom I haven't seen in a while, friends who need support, friends who need prayers)
-Charis church (had the job interview, not sure if I got the job, not sure what they think of me, because they sent me an email asking me what my views on homosexuality, dress code, and tattoos)

I asked for a confirmation and God gave it

Hey guys so I thought that God wanted me to move to Jane and Finch with Gloria but because she doesn't have the money and the logistics of taking care of her daughter Aaliyah.  Then my backup roommate was Selena because at least she has the money and showed interest in moving out too.  But it turns out she wants to go to school out of town.

My sister told me she was moving to her place in August (later found out she is just moving her stuff in August and actually start living there in Sept) but anyways because of all these stresses and changes I didn't know what to do anymore.  I had asked God for a confirmation whether I should move to Jane and Finch for sure but without Gloria I couldn't move there, it wouldn't be safe to live alone, and without Selena even if I didn't live at Jane and Finch, other places require me to live with strangers.

I don't know why I was so fragile but I started crying a lot and missed Christos because at least he would support me unlike my family who all said during the Fathers Day dinner that it was dangerous to go to Jane and Finch, and I was crying because I felt like I would be stuck at home with my parents while my sister moved on with her life and matured and became independent faster than I did.

So I texted Christina and it just so happened that she and her husband Riley were talking about renting out their extra room.  She said she would love for me to live with them. And it's only $350 a month! Although it is farther (Victoria Park and Eglinton) at least I am with people I trust and know, and it's cheap.  There is TTC too near their place.  I was really thankful, when I heard that, I stopped crying and just felt so relieved.  I knew that this was the sign from God I was looking for.

I will still go next Tuesday to Jane and Finch to ask about volunteer opportunities.  But I also still want to do Chester Le outreach because that is the focus area of our church.  And they still don't have an outreach director so right now I'll be the outreach contact until they find one.

I plan to move to Christina and Riley's place in early August, after my Hebrew exam.  That way, because August doesn't have school I can get used to living there before school starts again in Sept.

Suddenly sad

Maybe the hyper is wearing off (I guess you could consider me hyper for the past two weeks because I always slept late because I had too much energy and woke up early without feeling tired).  I'm starting to be sad, especially because I am starting to doubt the whole Jane and Finch thing.  Gloria doesn't really have the money to move out and Selena who was my backup roommate decided she wants to go out of town for schooling.

So here I am left alone with my sister moving out in early August and I will be stuck with my parents still not moving on like I wanted to.  Unless I move out on my own and then I would have to be with roommates that I don't even know.  Peggy offered to room with me but I don't like her habits so I can't.

I miss Christos, I wish I could tell him everything that is going on. I'm sure he would have supported me.  Tears come to my eyes as I write this.  Jen is moving on, she has a boyfriend now and he is a great man.  I know I should be happy and in a way I am, I know God wants me to mature and I will keep my promise to God to stay single until next year June 7th...

But I see my sister so happy with her boyfriend Nick and today I saw Angela (my cousin) with her boyfriend and they just seem so happy.  I know I can be happy without a man... just with the added stress of not knowing anymore where to live I think I feel trapped somehow I don't know how to explain.

I am thinking living near church like maybe Victoria Park and Sheppard and just focus on outreaching the Chester Le area.  Without a good roommate moving to Jane and Finch is not safe.  The Crips gang is in Chester Le too but Sheppard is far enough that I don't need to walk in Chester Le by myself at night.

I am thinking of Harold again but I am gonna try not to contact him.  If one day he likes me he will contact me.  I have to stop throwing myself at guys.

I also listened to a very depressing song by Christina Perri called "The Lonely".  It's a nice song but very depressing.  After that I think I just went downhill.

Job interview update

Hello dear friends, how are you doing? I'm doing good, great actually :)

I just went to the Youth Worker job interview with Charis Evangelical Free Church.  I think it went well but it was shorter than I thought.  But they asked me to tell them about myself (I actually used Mandarin to speak to them because they are a Mandarin church).  They asked me what do I feel is most important (e.g. Bible study, building relationships, games, sharing etc) and I said Bible study with sharing and building relationships.  The pastor (Rev. Wang) asked me what was my impression of their church and I said that they are really friendly, the boys are calm, and overall good impression.

They asked me also how well do I feel comfortable preaching.  I told them I was ok with preaching 3 times a month and that I took the preaching course and had experience preaching.  They also said that they are not strict like Grace Church where I can only take 1 vacation of 1 week only per year.  They said I can take more if I want and they treat me like a family if I get hired. I feel very comfortable with that.

They said they will get this through the Steering Committee before they make a final decision whether to hire me and how much they would pay.  They asked me what am I expecting in terms of salary and I just told them Grace church gave me $1200 a month.  But that they could make their own decision how much to pay me, it is up to them and no pressure.  They said they will consider that and pay me appropriately according to the amount of work I do.

Anyway I feel glad that the interview went alright. I hope my mandarin was not too bad.  I accidentally said week instead of month and they corrected me.  Haha.