quote from anime that my friend sent me

"It's okay to be weak! Everybody's weak. That's why we rely on others. We live by helping one another. We can say, we need one another. I've been able to survive because I have you and the others! I don't want to lose you! So, I'll help you. Let's survive together."

We are all misfits living in a world on fire... so keep on singing, keep on fighting!

Today I saw him, briefly.  He was picking up Gloria and William from the missions office and I was there. I kind of felt uncomfortable and didn't want to see him but I pulled myself together and told myself I was stronger than this.  I said Hi and said I had to leave the other way (which was true).  I am living a new life now, no more nonsense with guys, time to stand and walk with my head high and do what I really want.

I made a new blog for me and Gloria's faith adventures in Jane and Finch.  I wrote one blog post there already.  You guys are the first to know.  The website for that ministry blog is www.adventuresinfaith.tumblr.com and there you will read how I got felt God's calling to Jane and Finch.  We will update more as we go along our decision making process and when we start to serve there in September.

Thanks for reading and your continued support.  You mean the world to me my friends.  Love you all! God bless!

Really excited and happy

Dear God I am so happy and excited and determined right now.  This morning I woke up dead tired and felt like sleeping in the car on the way to church, and even felt like sleeping when I got to church.  But God I prayed to you for energy and you gave me that.  I feel so energized now. especially because everything went pretty well today.

The singing went well, the children's message went well, the team time was ok, the sermon was great, I didn't fall asleep.  The songs were good.  My missions sharing went alright, I didn't cry on stage, then I went to Mcdonalds and had a good conversation with Julio.

Then I went to Charis church and it was great, I had a good conversation with Han, Ashley, and Annie.  God really used my sharing and experiences to connect with them and they were listening to me with eyes wide open and lots of questions. :) God is good :) thank God!

Can't sleep (written at 4am)

I'm not crying I'm just thinking a lot and this is my hyper week (yes, bipolar, hypomanic, means I have lots of energy and can't sleep)...

I went to Christina's house and talked with her. I didn't want to leave but I had to go to church for kids fellowship.  Christina is so welcoming, she always makes lunch for me and talks to me in a way that makes me feel so comfortable.

Today we talked about what happened with Christos.  She was right all along.  He is not a Christian.  And she was right all along that I was idolizing relationship and needed to commit to not thinking about guys and not dating for one year.  So yeah I'm gonna do that.

I met her friend Julie and we talked about the Bible with her.  She was very interested.

it was only just a dream

now i know why i never dreamed about Christos (in my sleep kind of dream).  He dreamed of me many times as an angel with wings but i never did once dream of him.  Why? because the reality was just a dream.  I did dream of his friends and I dreamed of waiting for him but in every dream he never appeared. I guess I was waiting for nothing then.

Moving On and Moving In

I blocked a few ppl off my blog after I wrote last post. I just couldn't tell those details to everybody.  I blocked Christos and he texted me today disappointed that he couldn't read my blog. I didn't tell him the specific reason why but basically he would be upset that I told our intimate details to others.  But it's my blog and I can share to my close friends, I don't care, I want people to know the truth of what I did because it affected me and it was wrong in God's eyes.  The Bible says, confess your sins and you will be healed. And I do feel healed right now.

Last night God prevented my popular music youtube links to work.  He only allowed the Christian music videos links to work so I finally listened to more Christian music and felt God talking to me through them.  "arms wide open" by Misty Edwards once again spoke to me, telling me to go back to Jesus for love and focus on Him.

I feel like I should wait around for Harold.  He is actually the perfect guy for me.  He doesn't like me now and Gloria says it's probably because I was so open about my many broken relationships and he was afraid to get into my drama and because I was confused about my feelings.

Anyway onto better things.  I am going to be moving to Jane and Finch (yes the projects, the ghettos) with Gloria and her daughter in September. I had felt God's calling to Jane and Finch months ago but I doubted and I just felt a confirmation as I was talking to Gloria last night.  We are going to do MoveIn ministry and reach out to people with Christ's love and message.  We will rent an apartment and are going to fundraise and look for partners to help us.

I feel that this is the right way to go because I still have at least 2 years in Toronto and I want to learn how to do ministry in the projects before I go to Montreal.  Then I can start a MoveIn ministry in Montreal once I gain more experience. Reaching out to the poor and the marginalized is what Jesus would have done and I want to make a difference in these kinds of communities.

Things should be OK financially because me and Gloria will be fundraising, being ghetto, and I will possibly be working 2 jobs if everything works out with my job interviews.  I will be crazy busy and probably have less sleep, less time on facebook, and more time being out there, but missions excites me and I know it's what I was born to do.  I love it, even just thinking about all this makes me excited.  :) Please pray for us.

God knew I wasn't strong enough

Christos broke up with me today.  Said he fell out of love with me and he didn't know why.  Also listed other reasons why we were not right for each other.  In any case, I knew it was coming.  I had a feeling because he didn't meet up with me last sat when he met up with Gloria, I had a feeling because he didn't tell me he loved me for several days, because before he would tell me every day... he asked me when my exam was and I felt like he was waiting until after the exam to break up with me... I had doubts...

And last night when I prayed to God, I said to God "God if you don't want him to be with me then let him break up with me, because you know I'm not strong enough to break up with him and stay broken up with him" And God replied, in the stillness of my heart, "He is going to break up with you" And I felt that it was God saying it and not me.  But I didn't want to believe it.  I told myself it was my imagination.

And lo and behold, today after my exam I was looking forward to seeing him tomorrow because he said he would meet up with me.  And then he texts me this long thing telling me he is breaking up with me and the reasons not.  What I mean by reasons not is that he is not breaking up with me because he fell in love with another girl or anything that I did.

I cried.  I really cried and I called Gloria right away.  I told her I wanted to meet at Mcdonalds to talk.  And when I was at Mcdonalds I thought I saw Ying at first but that was just my imagination.  Anyways we ended up busing to Markham station restaurant and I had half a beer, and two screwdrivers and ate a hamburger.  Drinking alcohol felt good for some reason, I didn't get drunk so don't worry.

It was easier to bear because God had told me beforehand that it was going to happen.  And I know it's for the best.  But for sure I have never loved a guy as much as I loved Christos.  I mean after all that he did, having sex with the other girl in Greece, I still forgave him, and his personality was so different but I still loved him, and him getting me to do oral sex, yes I am ashamed of that, and I confess it publicly here that it was wrong, I still forgave him and wanted to be with him.  My love was without logic and in some strange way I understood more of what God's love was like for me because God's love was also without logic, I am so different from God and was unfaithful to Him but God still loves me.  But anyway I regret many things and I repented of these things but still I wonder what my real future husband would think, I sure hope he is a forgiving guy and I told God that and God said that yes he is very forgiving.

I don't regret dating him, I just regret the sexual things I did because I know it was wrong, but I know also God forgave me. I know I shouldn't take advantage of God's forgiveness and my future husband's forgiveness though.

I think back to Harold and I wish that things were different because he seemed just right for me.  I don't know if one day he will fall in love with me but whatever, things are too messed up right now I know I am just thinking of him for a quick fix.

I am actually feeling fine right now, I stopped crying and I know I will miss Christos but things will be OK.  He still wants to be friends and I will need some time before I can fully do that, especially if he has sex with a girl soon after like he did in Greece.

Gloria had said that Christos was like a test.  I had wanted to stay single the whole year and focus on God, and I had all these specific criteria for a future husband and Christos was basically none of them except for caring and generous.  And I fell for him.  Anyways I am OK really and I know I can be strong.