Grace

Lately at Lifegroup at church we have been discussing and learning about Grace every Wednesday.  Grace is not simply being graceful like in ballet or figure skating.  Grace is not something you say before a meal.  It is a deep, sacrificial love that gives freely without expecting in return, and Grace shows forgiveness and kindness to those who don't deserve it.  I want to learn to extend grace to others...

God gave us His grace through His son Jesus dying on the cross to save us from our sins.  While we were still sinners, without even waiting for us to say "sorry" to Him, He already died for us.  He gave us something we didn't deserve, a close relationship with Him and eternal life in heaven where joy and peace abounds.

When we go through rough times, that's when we experience God's grace the most.  With Tommy, I had to learn to give grace to him and forgive him.  I also had to humble myself and say sorry to him too, even though at first I thought I had done nothing wrong.  I'm glad him and me talked yesterday cuz it showed me his true colours and feelings.  It also exposed the fact that I needed to apologize too.  I thought I was the right one, but I also had fault for misreading God's plan.

I now feel like I can be friends with Tommy, although not close friends.  I feel that I still need time to get over it.  But I'm still confused why did God tell Tommy to leave me yet God never told me that?  Does God favour Tommy? I'm sure it's not the case, but why would God tell the guy and not the girl?  To leave her hanging?  It makes no sense.  Maybe God didn't want to hurt me? No that doesn't make sense either because it hurt me more to hear it from Tommy.  Dang, I don't know.

Anyway my mom shared this song with me, it's in Mandarin, too bad most of you don't know Mandarin.  But it's talking about how when you feel most down and lonely and weak, that's when you experience God's grace the most.  May God's grace give you all what you need and lift you up!

Be strong, Martine.

Yesterday I had the best day ever at school, learning a lot of great stuff about God and the Bible.  However once I got home my sister asked me something and I guess I snapped at her by accident because she said something wrong about the Bible and I wanted to correct her (I apologized later on, but after crying).  Then I went up to the upstairs bathroom and looked at my face in the mirror.  For some reason I felt so ugly and unattractive, and I felt like Tommy didn't want me and all that so I started crying and I started crying really hard.  I called Ying who was with Gloria and they made me laugh again but afterwards my mom was overbearing and I felt trapped again so I started crying again and it got a bit worse because I was angry at her for being overbearing because that was what started the whole Tommy breakup.  Then I texted Harold even though Gloria told me not to talk to him about Tommy and Harold kind of helped me but not really.  That's because Harold said I need to be emotionally stable to become a good pastor, he said I need to surrender all my feelings to God (which is true) but I told him I don't think I can ever be emotionally stable.  Harold doesn't understand bipolar, that's why.  I think in the future I need to find a guy who is like psychology major or something so that they can understand mental illness in order to live with a mentally ill me.  I am not saying I am deficient or handicapped but I"m saying that I need someone who understands how I feel every day and helps me through it instead of just telling me to be strong.  But I know I need to be strong, but just in a weak sort of way.  It's hard to explain but the Bible says if we are weak then we are strong because God's strength is in us when we are weak.  Here I am rambling on but thanks for listening guys and I appreciate your friendship.  I'm doing well this morning and hope that I will not cry over Tommy anymore....... but if only his friend Mathieu would stop bothering me over facebook...

I will never forget you

interesting article

I believe in living a radial and sold out life for God, where my passion is walked out practically. So I have read my bible every day for 30+ years. I haven't missed 20 Sundays in church in 38 years. I give large portion of my income away. I love to spend time with God, praying and hanging out. (I do these things because I want to not because anyone requires them of me).

BUT religion is never satisfied. If you read one chapter a day, it should have been two. If you pray for 15 minutes it should have been an hour. If you fast for 3 days, it should have a week. If you tithe 10% it should have been 20%. If you go to church every week, you missed Wednesday night. Religion is a slave driving, hater of people. It requires you to work for love instead living from love.

The symptoms of this disease are;
...

1-You feel guilty no matter how you hard you try.

2-Your identity is strictly attached to what you do.

3-Whenever you're not working you feel guilty.

4-You judge others by how they perform and you compare yourself to their performance.

5-You're overcommitted and feel exhausted most the time.

6-You always have the underline thought that if you worked harder or sacrificed more you would be happy.

7-Sacrifice is your highest core value and you know nothing about passion.

8-You feel guilty when you're having fun.

9-You feel bad for spending money on yourself or doing something that you really enjoy but that doesn't seem spiritual.

10-You're never really happy or ever actually feel loved.

11-If you miss one of your disciplines you feel like something terrible is going to happen to you.

Taken from Kris Vallotton KVMinistries.com

Another sleepless night?

Alright so I talked to Tommy over text today and yes it's over text because he doesn't want to hear from me... he needs space and instead I talked to his brother over the phone which really helped.   Right now Tommy needs to hear from God the most, not even his friends can help him.  But his friends greatly helped me.

I feel calm and at peace, just when I think too much or talk about it I will cry but I'm getting good at smiling in the storm.  With Christ in my vessel I can smile at the storm, Til he sails me home... (yes that is a song for kids)

I deleted Tommy off of facebook and this blog and I deleted his number too except I can memorize his number so what's the point.  At least he texted me today so I could spank some sense into him because today I realized certain things that I believe Tommy needs to understand.

I have faith right now that Tommy and I can get back together because of what his friend Nath said.  And also because yesterday I cried a lot and realized I don't love Harold right now, I love Tommy and I choose Tommy.  There you go.

Harold is still a good friend but who do I want to hold and kiss and talk with? Tommy.  There you go.

Tommy is so angry right now and I pray that he will be calmer and ok and pray more and hear God more.  I listend to a lot of songs today to keep me happy but this morning when I talked to Nick I was crying.  Thank God Nick is understanding.

I'm awake at 2 am right now, don't want to study until tommorrow morning and rather stay up and do random stuff online to make myself a bit more distracted so I don't over think about Tommy.  I already pray and think about him enough.

Tommy really does love me

He is grieving over me right now... and unfortunately, by telling him that I still love him made him even more sad. I'm so sorry Tommy I never meant to hurt you.  I will let you go now.