It's a hopeless case. Tommy thinks I'm being manipulative when I told him I still love him and him only. (Yes, yesterday I figured that out because I was crying again and my tears showed me I don't love Harold right now, Harold is just a distraction, a rebound, I really still love Tommy and if he wanted to get back with me I'd be back in a heartbeat)
I deleted his number (even though I have him memorized) I deleted him off facebook and so if he wants he can contact me through other means. It's over, and I am not going to cry anymore, I'm going to stand tall and delete him off this blog in a few days, God knows that I was not trying to be manipulative and God knows that I truly did love Tommy and wished that I could have been with him.
God taught me some lessons, even though it's the hard way but at least I loved and lost rather than never loved at all. I'm sorry Tommy and I love you, whether you accept this or not, it's OK but I'll always have you in my heart. Good bye
Friday, November 9, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Did I ever really love Tommy? Did he really love me?
The answer to the first question: I don't know. I'm thinking maybe at first it was reciprocal love, and then I chose to fall in love with him. Since I chose it, I can also choose to fall out of love with him fast. As usual. I'm always fast. Guy after guy after guy with no break time in between. It has always been this way. Part of bipolar personality.
Did he really love me? Over the past few days I doubted it. But today Jean Renel told me that from the way Tommy talked to him, Tommy really did love me and wanted still to marry me. I don't know but I guess I believe him.
Riley and Christina said I should stay single for a set amount of time and not even think about getting a boyfriend because when I am least thinking about it, God will show me the right guy. That will be hard to do because I'm already trying to figure out if I should wait around for Harold, the guy I liked before Tommy.
On another note, recently I got into translation and basically am doing it freelancing part time for Canadian Association of Wound Care. I like it, I don't love it but I don't mind it. So looking ahead to my future, I am thinking of finishing my Tyndale studies (which would finish in about 2.5 years depending on how fast I do summer school and whatever)... then do one year of Translation Studies in University of Ottawa. It seems to have the best program that I have found so far although I didn't check Laval University, UQAM, or other Montreal universities much. McGill doesn't have what I want though. I need to do more research.
The reason why I want to do Translation Studies is NOT because I want to quit being a pastor. But I'm thinking of being a tentmaker (see my previous postings) basically so that I can earn money while being a poor pastor. Plus, if I learn interpreting I can get better at preaching. Communication skills. So I don't stutter or hesitate so much.
U of Ottawa is my best choice so far because I have a scholarship there. But who knows, I might do it in Montreal, I don't know this is just the brainstorming stage. But my parents are happy about that cuz they were worried about my finances. My dad needs to retire soon.
How am I doing? I'm fine. I miss Tommy and I think of him often, but that's about it. I went to Body Combat class and punched out all my inner feelings and felt better. I"m not that sad because I trust in God's plan and I have many friends to talk to. Gloria thinks I should get back with my "real man" Harold but Harold doesn't even know that I like him. Anyway I'll see him next week at Power to Change. I"m not going to Power to Change specifically for Harold, I just want a break from my regular life and listen to some good biblical teaching, that's why I'm going. York is so damn far but I think it would be worth it, I want to talk to my P2C friends again. Especially Harold and Riley. Godly men who are good friends.
Did he really love me? Over the past few days I doubted it. But today Jean Renel told me that from the way Tommy talked to him, Tommy really did love me and wanted still to marry me. I don't know but I guess I believe him.
Riley and Christina said I should stay single for a set amount of time and not even think about getting a boyfriend because when I am least thinking about it, God will show me the right guy. That will be hard to do because I'm already trying to figure out if I should wait around for Harold, the guy I liked before Tommy.
On another note, recently I got into translation and basically am doing it freelancing part time for Canadian Association of Wound Care. I like it, I don't love it but I don't mind it. So looking ahead to my future, I am thinking of finishing my Tyndale studies (which would finish in about 2.5 years depending on how fast I do summer school and whatever)... then do one year of Translation Studies in University of Ottawa. It seems to have the best program that I have found so far although I didn't check Laval University, UQAM, or other Montreal universities much. McGill doesn't have what I want though. I need to do more research.
The reason why I want to do Translation Studies is NOT because I want to quit being a pastor. But I'm thinking of being a tentmaker (see my previous postings) basically so that I can earn money while being a poor pastor. Plus, if I learn interpreting I can get better at preaching. Communication skills. So I don't stutter or hesitate so much.
U of Ottawa is my best choice so far because I have a scholarship there. But who knows, I might do it in Montreal, I don't know this is just the brainstorming stage. But my parents are happy about that cuz they were worried about my finances. My dad needs to retire soon.
How am I doing? I'm fine. I miss Tommy and I think of him often, but that's about it. I went to Body Combat class and punched out all my inner feelings and felt better. I"m not that sad because I trust in God's plan and I have many friends to talk to. Gloria thinks I should get back with my "real man" Harold but Harold doesn't even know that I like him. Anyway I'll see him next week at Power to Change. I"m not going to Power to Change specifically for Harold, I just want a break from my regular life and listen to some good biblical teaching, that's why I'm going. York is so damn far but I think it would be worth it, I want to talk to my P2C friends again. Especially Harold and Riley. Godly men who are good friends.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
things I like about myself
I'm friendly
I'm willing to care for others
I love to serve God
I give good advice and am trustworthy friend
I did a lot of awesome things in my life such as accomplishing awards and stuff
I'm encouraging
things i need to work on:
stop babying others
love myself more
stop trying and start training
love God's word more
stand my ground with my parents for my own choices, rights, and not being babyed
BUT ANYWAYS WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS THAT I'M WORTH A MILLION BUCKS!!!!
I'm willing to care for others
I love to serve God
I give good advice and am trustworthy friend
I did a lot of awesome things in my life such as accomplishing awards and stuff
I'm encouraging
things i need to work on:
stop babying others
love myself more
stop trying and start training
love God's word more
stand my ground with my parents for my own choices, rights, and not being babyed
BUT ANYWAYS WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS THAT I'M WORTH A MILLION BUCKS!!!!
Another chapter ended
I don't know if Tommy will read this post. I have decided to keep him on the permission list because I trust him as a friend. But him and I are no longer dating anymore. I wanted to wait until I move out to date him, but that's in three years and he said he can't say that he can wait three years. People change, romances die, and he doesn't think he is the right guy for me right now, not sure about in three years. Looking back, I don't think I truly got to know him and we didn't share that many memories together, it was only 4 months. But at the same time I value him and I treasure the time we had together. If God wants me to wait I will wait until something works out but Tommy thinks it will take a miracle and me making efforts to resolve things with my parents.
It all started with a police check. True, anyone would get offended if their potential future spouse's parents asked him or her for a police check. But am I worth a police check? Anyway, Tommy prayed about it and decided that he would not get the police check. That he would wait until after I move out to date me. But then yesterday, things changed. He seemed to think that we should not wait on a person, we should wait on God. Which I agree. But I still wanted to know if he was going to date other girls in the meantime. He could not guarantee, which I understand. If God tells me to date someone else I would date someone else too.
Since Tommy and I only knew each other for a short time and not much time in person, I guess you could say this was one of the easiest breakups in my lifetime. But it was still tearful, don't get me wrong, I did cry and lose sleep. I couldn't help it. I really wished that Tommy would be my last boyfriend.
Andrew says Tommy should honour my parents and know that I cannot move out soon. Maybe he does understand that. But Tommy still thinks that I should become independent of my parents, stand up for myself... it's what Gloria said too. I know, I know. But you don't know my parents and God also told me that I should keep at peace with everyone. Tommy thinks it's impossible to keep at peace with everyone and keep everyone happy. I know, I'm not gonna leave him for my parents. But it seems like he left me because of them.
Am I worth waiting for? I guess not, to Tommy. That's the way I see it. He is a good friend, but I don't mean so much to him that he would commit to waiting. Did I misunderstand him? Maybe. But that's what I feel as he was saying that he was not the right guy for me and that he could not commit to waiting. Maybe he is right, that he is not the right guy for me. I don't know.
In any case, I feel that God wants me to once again be satisfied in Him alone and be joyful in Him alone. I am wearing my Jesus engagement ring right now and it helps me to think how I can be happy with the lover of my soul, Jesus.
I talked with Tommy's adopted brother and his other friend from Burkina Faso. The last thing I want is for Tommy to think I'm manipulating his friends to make him get back with me. No, that is his own choice. Andrew said the efforts are not up to me, it is up to Tommy. I can't move out. If he really loved me he would be willing to wait until God tells him otherwise. But maybe God didn't tell him to wait after all?
I want to become a better person so that after three years, Tommy or whoever my future husband is will find me ready for a relationship. Here are some things I wish for:
-that I can become a more joyful person
-that I can love God's Word and understand it more
-that I can distinguish God's voice from my own voice or other people's voices
-that I can be happy with who I am in Christ
-that I can have a good relationship with myself, as Thuy said
-and that I would be a good wife material in general
Another chapter of my life closed. I'm not on facebook anymore so I guess it would be easier to forget about Tommy if that's what I'm supposed to do, at least for a little while. I still think I should send him the Christmas present that I made for him (yes I made it that early). But I don't care if he burns it or recycles it. I just want to give it to him, as long as he doesn't give it back.
I think Angela and Thuy were right. It wasn't meant to last because we didn't start on a good foundation. Only if God wants us together, then we will one day get back together. Tommy's friends can try to convince him to wait for me but ultimately it is up to God. I'm glad I didn't lose Tommy as a friend. Au revoir...
It all started with a police check. True, anyone would get offended if their potential future spouse's parents asked him or her for a police check. But am I worth a police check? Anyway, Tommy prayed about it and decided that he would not get the police check. That he would wait until after I move out to date me. But then yesterday, things changed. He seemed to think that we should not wait on a person, we should wait on God. Which I agree. But I still wanted to know if he was going to date other girls in the meantime. He could not guarantee, which I understand. If God tells me to date someone else I would date someone else too.
Since Tommy and I only knew each other for a short time and not much time in person, I guess you could say this was one of the easiest breakups in my lifetime. But it was still tearful, don't get me wrong, I did cry and lose sleep. I couldn't help it. I really wished that Tommy would be my last boyfriend.
Andrew says Tommy should honour my parents and know that I cannot move out soon. Maybe he does understand that. But Tommy still thinks that I should become independent of my parents, stand up for myself... it's what Gloria said too. I know, I know. But you don't know my parents and God also told me that I should keep at peace with everyone. Tommy thinks it's impossible to keep at peace with everyone and keep everyone happy. I know, I'm not gonna leave him for my parents. But it seems like he left me because of them.
Am I worth waiting for? I guess not, to Tommy. That's the way I see it. He is a good friend, but I don't mean so much to him that he would commit to waiting. Did I misunderstand him? Maybe. But that's what I feel as he was saying that he was not the right guy for me and that he could not commit to waiting. Maybe he is right, that he is not the right guy for me. I don't know.
In any case, I feel that God wants me to once again be satisfied in Him alone and be joyful in Him alone. I am wearing my Jesus engagement ring right now and it helps me to think how I can be happy with the lover of my soul, Jesus.
I talked with Tommy's adopted brother and his other friend from Burkina Faso. The last thing I want is for Tommy to think I'm manipulating his friends to make him get back with me. No, that is his own choice. Andrew said the efforts are not up to me, it is up to Tommy. I can't move out. If he really loved me he would be willing to wait until God tells him otherwise. But maybe God didn't tell him to wait after all?
I want to become a better person so that after three years, Tommy or whoever my future husband is will find me ready for a relationship. Here are some things I wish for:
-that I can become a more joyful person
-that I can love God's Word and understand it more
-that I can distinguish God's voice from my own voice or other people's voices
-that I can be happy with who I am in Christ
-that I can have a good relationship with myself, as Thuy said
-and that I would be a good wife material in general
Another chapter of my life closed. I'm not on facebook anymore so I guess it would be easier to forget about Tommy if that's what I'm supposed to do, at least for a little while. I still think I should send him the Christmas present that I made for him (yes I made it that early). But I don't care if he burns it or recycles it. I just want to give it to him, as long as he doesn't give it back.
I think Angela and Thuy were right. It wasn't meant to last because we didn't start on a good foundation. Only if God wants us together, then we will one day get back together. Tommy's friends can try to convince him to wait for me but ultimately it is up to God. I'm glad I didn't lose Tommy as a friend. Au revoir...
Monday, November 5, 2012
Quick updates
-I disappeared off facebook, wanted to focus better on schoolwork and God and life in general
-tomorrow I'm going to see the African children's choir :) YAY! at school
-tons of schoolwork to do, but don't want to neglect my friends whom I promised to meet up with
-extremely hungry today!
-tomorrow I'm going to see the African children's choir :) YAY! at school
-tons of schoolwork to do, but don't want to neglect my friends whom I promised to meet up with
-extremely hungry today!
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