Bonjour, amis de Montréal / Chicoutimi!!!

Apprendre les langues, c'est très utile. Quand tu sais que personne autour de toi sait parler français, tu peux parler avec ton ami(e) francophone et personne peut savoir ce que tu dises. Aussi, il y a des choses qu'on peut exprimer en français qu'on peut pas exprimer en anglais de la même façon. Des blagues, des expressions, des métaphores, etc.

Aujourd'hui, j'ai envie de parler français. À l'université je n'ai que deux cours d'anglais et un cours de psychologie ce semestre. Le semestre prochain c'est quand j'aurai deux cours de français (la culture québécoise ET Le roman contemporain québécois)... (haha Matthieu va sauter de joie)

Donc, la seule façon de pratiquer c'est avec mes amis du Québec (LA BELLE PROVINCE! SHOUT OUT TO ANDREW AND MATTHIEU) sur msn ou facebook, ou bien avec mon élève (je suis tutrice de français)... mais ça fait pas de sens si je ne pratique qu'avec lui.

Désolée, mes amis anglophones qui lisent ce blog (VERY SORRY MY ENGLISH-SPEAKING FRIENDS!) mais vous pouvez peut-être utiliser Google Translator (pas Babel Fish SVP!) pour traduire mes postes. (HOPE YOU GUYS CAN LEARN FRENCH, MY HEART LANGUAGE!)

Aujourd'hui j'ai presque fini de lire le livre "I kissed dating goodbye" par Josh Harris. Les francophones, est-ce qu'ils connaissent ce livre? C'est un livre chrétien. Très bon. Et ben... j'ai réalisé que je ne suis pas du tout prête pour le mariage et donc pas prête pour être en couple. Je dois encore *muire* (mature?) émotionellement et spirituellement. En plus, j'ai pas l'argent, je dois 20000 dollars à OSAP, je ne sais pas bien cuisiner et je ne sais pas si Dieu veut que je reste célibataire pour être une pasteure plus efficace (?).

Josh Harris a bien écrit ce livre. J'aurais dû le lire en 9e année, j'aurais pu éviter au moins 3 de mes anciens chums. Tant pis pour moi. Ce livre m'a rappelé que je dois "set my standards high". Quand je vois mes amies avec des boyfriends qui sont pas gentils ou qui ont l'air LOSER ou qui ne sont pas polis etc.... je suis souvent un peu dégoûtée et je regrette que mes amis ont "sold themselves short". Mais quand je regarde ma propre vie, c'est la même chose. En fait, j'ai "sold myself short" et j'ai "settled for less" trop de fois.

Alors, plus de ça! *fait un grand mouvement avec son bras horizontalement*

Je soupire seulement parce que j'aime quelqu'un à ce moment-là (ah oui Martine aime un autre garçon, quoi de neuf?)...mais je ne pense pas qu'il *match* les critères d'un gars mûr. Soupir. C'est dommage, cette génération! Ou donc sont tous les gars mûrs!!!!???? (et je prêche au chorale parce que si tu lis ça, et t'es un gars, c'est parce que je te fais confiance, donc tu es assez mûr mais malheureusement tu fais partie de la minorité)

Demain je dois me lever tôt alors bonne nuit mes amis... Bisous et toutous! Que Dieu vous bénissez toujours!

Goals for the school year 2010-2011

1. Get 85% or above in every course. (Aim high, and you'll land among the stars!)
2. Going to the gym 2x a week (no excuses, Martine! Dance and fitness!)
3. Taking my meds and eating/drinking properly.
   
4. Don't stress out over little things/get easily angered
5. Spending time with close friends every week
6. Spending quiet time with God every day (morning and night, preferably)
   
7. When I feel lonely/depressed, immediately read the Bible and/or pray.
8. When I have free time, don't go on facebook. (Study or do something else productive) Facebook only used when I MUST contact someone through that means. If I want to share something, share on my blog cuz then it's less distracting.
9. Don't become workaholic. (i.e. Don't take on more than one extra library shift per week, and only if it is not an evening shift & during a convenient time, Don't work at tutoring more than 2 evenings a week, and Don't add any more ministry opportunities until you are finished all you have already)
10. Spend time with my son, Fuzzy. And write to my daughter in Uganda, Grace.
11. Walk slower. Try not to rush!
    
12. Save MONEY! No unnecessary snacks, esp. popcorn and chips. SPC Mastercard must only be used if I really need the item (e.g. pet food) and NOT for the sake of the deal. :P Remember, I owe OSAP roughly 20 000 dollars after this year is done.
    
13. When I feel unluckier than the number 13, count my blessings and just smile and thank God :D

YAY 13 GOALS. I'M SO LUCKY/BLESSED! :D
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BTW comments should now be enabled for you guys. You just need to register a username I think. Comment and let me know if it works properly! :D COMMENT AWAYYYYY :D

3rd blog post during the same day... *sigh*

I must be becoming a young Albert Kong. (Albert knows what I mean) Seriously... I never intended to post a 3rd post today. But I just feel empty right now. I feel like a tree trunk whose inside got scooped out to make a canoe or to help boil water to make maple syrup for the native americans. I honestly feel so empty. And I just finished reading 1 Peter 3 to try and find some comfort. Although the context doesn't have to do with what I am dealing with (honestly I don't even know what I'm dealing with exactly), I know that it is normal to suffer for doing good. When you give of yourself, you are bound to become empty at some point in time, until someone's encouragement or help fills you up.

^{1 Peter 3:17}
It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

I'm feeling empty in a sad kind of empty. Maybe I need more sleep, true, but I also feel empty nonetheless. I pray the Holy Spirit fill me once again.

It's weird. I can never fully let go of the past cuz it comes back to "haunt" me. Just last Sunday (yesterday) when Clement and I walked out of the church to go to lunch with the other ppl, I saw Jong and his girlfriend walk by on the sidewalk. Strange. Seeing my 2nd ex with his girlfriend after I switched church because of my 5th ex. He waved with a Jong-curious face (as he usually does when he sees me) and his girlfriend stared at me like I was some weird stranger. I don't know whether to dislike Jong or what. But I prayed for him. I hope he was around the area because he went to Young Nak Korean church. He said to me 2.5 years ago that if he really followed God he would have become a pastor. Anyways, God be the judge.

And today, before going to tutoring, I dropped by T and T. I didn't realize that going to T and T would make me think of Adrian and how we used to grocery shop for church or for snacks. It gave me a sad yet bittersweet feeling that I just wanted to shake off. I think what I miss most about Adrian is having a best friend to partner in ministry with and just share everything with. Oh dang no please don't tear up, Martine.

Tutoring was my pride and joy today, actually. Aaron is a very nice guy, kind of quiet sometimes but yeah reminds me of Josh C and honestly this gr. 12 guy is pretty smart, he just a bit of help and encouragement. :) I enjoy the book he's reading for French too. :) After I left tutoring I was just bouncing and enjoying the sunshine...

Yeah. I feel a bit better now. Thank you, blog. And thank you, blog readers. Thanks, HS for filling me up :) And thank you, all 5 exes, for teaching me something and being a part of my life, as crappy as those parts ended up... there is always a silver lining in every dark cloud...

I'll post this song just because I like it (no significance really in my life, but it makes me feel touched in a funny kind of way):

My first day of school *giddiness*

Hello friends!

You are probably wondering why I'm not in a line at the bookstore (man, that line is long!) or why I am not in class... Well let me tell you about my day...

I woke up at 5am ish, as I said in my previous blog post (don't worry I won't always post 2x a day, there's such a thing as homework!) but I didn't leave the house till roughly 9:20am. Cuz my class starts at 10:30am... Lo and behold there was like 69 people at the bus stop at STC waiting for the 38 bus... and 85% were probably from my school.

And when the bus came, it said Detour on Route, due to an accident at Markham and Ellesmere (horrible! http://www.insidetoronto.com/news/local/article/872751--man-injured-in-accident) The detour took us into a very small road with lots and lots of buses and cars. We were moving like snails and I was wondering if I should just get off the bus and walk to school, maybe it would've been faster.

Turns out after we got out of the detour, I came to school right on time. Right on the dot! As I ran up the stairs to meet my friends Walter and May, I yelled "YES! I'M NOT LATE FOR THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS!" I'm pretty sure I got a few stares but really, May is the one who deserves the stares (kind ones) because of her beautiful funky outfit (she had a headband that looked like a helicopter thing and a very nice white poofy dress).

The prof was late because of the jam too, even worse cuz she took 2.5 hours on the TTC. She's a VERY GOOD prof. Fantasy and the Fantastic in Literature is gonna be my favourite course!!!! We get a movie day for "Howl's moving castle" (anime) and maybe even a trip to "Wicked" (musical)!!!! *GASP* I so want to invite more ppl who are not in this course! Someone reading this knows who I'm talking about!!!

As you can probably tell, I am getting more and more hyper as the weeks progress. Walter noticed this already. I can thank my friends May and Sam for being there to encourage free-flowing thoughts and giddiness, as well as hyperness and cheerfulness :) Brings back Men's Group memories. :) Yes, I was part of a Men's group (ETCBC) and no I'm not trans.

Ok so after lunch, I was expecting to go to my 1-3pm Psychology C.S.I. class but two people came in saying that the class was cancelled, the prof couldn't make it... etc. etc. So I ended up going to the gym cuz I found out they have a NEW LYRICAL JAZZ DANCE CLASS!!!! Yes, the two dances that I ALWAYS WANTED TO LEARN, COMBINED!

20 BUCKS for the semester. Although it is 5 dollars more expensive than last year's classes in general, I think it's worth it. I really have to thank God cuz it fits right into my schedule at a convenient time, and this class is just the best gift anyone could give me. Dance is one of my biggest passions. And normally, out there in the "real world", classes are at least 15 dollars PER WEEK.

*sigh* On a more serious note... I hope that person who got hit will survive and be ok. And I hope that serious letter I sent this morning to an old friend of mine will be taken well. It's a friendship that I hope will be renewed, but at the same time, I've been hurt too many times... just like an on and off gf/bf relationship....*sigh*

And I hope tonight's tutoring goes well... tomorrow I'm keeping myself busy by taking Steph's shift at the library from 1-5pm... Lots of reading to do as well for my English courses! Speaking of reading, maybe I should do some right now... save time... God bless you all!

Thank You God for a wonderful day so far! :D
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(ADDED SECONDS LATER...)

And I just found out my friend Kevin Wang and I got quoted in The Varsity newspaper!!!! Thanks Dylan for writing the article!

http://thevarsity.ca/articles/32380

First Day of School & a Weird Dream

I woke up to a very weird dream. I don't even want to describe all that happened in this dream but it involves some of my close friends. We were on a retreat and things went wrong/weird. In the dream, some stuff got published through CBC News and it was very awful. Awful, awful. It was the freakiest retreat you could ever go on. Basically. The interesting thing was... Edwin was organizing the retreat. But Edwin is a great leader in real life, no worries ETCBC ppl!

Today is my first day of school and I woke up early. Guess it's a good thing. Must fill my mind with more positive stuff. My first class is "Fantasy and Fantastic in Literature". As long as we don't dwell on characters like Gollum I think I'm okay. Fill my mind with something fantastic :)

Then, I have Psychology and the Law. I don't even know what textbook to get, the prof didn't post it up. I hope the prof is a good one. Cuz last year's prof was apparently really interesting. This course was like a Psychology C.S.I. :) haha

And then, tutoring. I feel like my French could be so much better. This student is in gr. 12 Core and he's learning stuff I learned in university fourth year. Can you believe it? York Region is so much more advanced than TDSB... Sigh... I hope this student likes my teaching and that it actually helps him a lot. :S

I'm very happy to say that I'm getting involved with the drama team at GCGC. :) Not as an actress (no time or brain power to memorize lines and practice with the team... unfortunately) but as a writer. I had always wanted to do that for ETCBC but never really did. So I'm glad God gave me the opportunity here.

When I came downstairs to take my meds (yes, I forgot to take them last night, maybe that explains what weird things went on in my mind! and how hyper I was yesterday!) this morning, I found Fuzzy already awake at like 5am making guinea pig noises. He should have been sleeping... He's still standing in the litter box chirping a bit right now.

I realize that I really do need my medicine. When I don't take it, my mind is fired up and going nonstop, and I'm more tense, nervous, excited, and hyper at the same time. That's part of mania. And I will tend to be more impulsive with feelings and act a bit more flirty (NO MARTINE NO!). But don't worry. I didn't do anything stupid yesterday. I was aware of myself. I was just louder and sillier than usual. :P

Plus, when I don't take my medicine, I can't fall asleep very well. I start thinking excitedly about many things in my life. And I start imagining ideas and things I could do in the future, things that may not even possibly happen. That's part of mania too. Take it easy, Martine!

I'm okay now. I think after I came back home yesterday, I channeled my energy into writing for the drama team. And the energy I had last night is going to dissipate when this medicine kicks in. God bless you and have a great day!

Happy again!!!

Dear all,

thanks for all those who were praying and thinking of me... I'm sorry if I worried you guys in the last few posts. I tend to be very open with my feelings, sometimes it just comes out so raw it worries people. But yeah, I feel a WHOLE lot better now. And I know this peace will stay if I keep looking on the bright side and keep finding peace in God's word.

It's not a coincidence that after I prayed that prayer last post, shared everything I had on my heart, poured it all out, and I randomly opened up my Bible to John chapter 14 and 15 that I found this satisfaction and peace and joy that I cannot cannot explain. Yes, run on sentence.

In any case, here is what I read:

^{John 14: 27}
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Just before I read the Bible I found out with the help of a friend that I had trouble forgiving myself, because I have trouble believing that such a Holy God would see me as a completely blank slate. I see this verse as a reminder that God does not see me as the world does. He gives peace to me, He gives forgiveness to me as no one else will. And from this promise I can learn to see myself as completely forgiven, and be able to keep moving on.

Also, my heart is often troubled or afraid. Somehow when I read this verse it was as if Jesus was speaking to me directly, telling me I should not be afraid. I actually felt very comforted...

Jesus continues:

John 15

The Vine and the Branches

¹"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ²He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ³You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

⁵"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. ⁸This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

⁹"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. ¹⁰If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. ¹¹I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. ¹²My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. ¹⁴You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. ¹⁶You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. ¹⁷This is my command: Love each other.

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Do you feel this Bible passage speaking to you? God speaks to everyone differently, maybe He will speak to you through a friend, when you're flipping through the Bible, or with music. In any case, He spoke to me through this passage yesterday.

I feel joy, peace, and love after reading this. I know I'm forgiven because of the word spoken to me... I'm so glad I found this! The stressful time is only a time of pruning. I will soon bear much fruit if I continue to remain in Him and love others :D And I trust that as I delight in the Lord, Jesus will grant my deepest desires... and He alone knows them.

<3 hehehe :D THANK YOU GOD!!!!

God, please help me to see myself the way You would.
Please clear my mind and heal my heart.
God, with You everything is possible,
please help me to believe that my sins can be totally erased.
God, if You were willing to die for me,
please give me the courage to live for You.
And God, help me to hold on to Your Word every day...
And not believe the lies that chain me...

Please help me, God...