Frustration to the MAX!

Yesterday evening and this morning I felt so frustrated! I feel better now, but I still need to write it all out so that I don't throw a fit later. Maybe exercise would also help. It's really annoying because when I get really frustrated I want to take it out on myself. And that means I get depressed and restless and wanting to punch/scream, etc.

Why am I so frustrated? Because there is not enough time. I don't think I am workaholic anymore, but I still have the right to want to finish the things I want to do (e.g. homework, preparing for the Sunday school that I'm passionate about, dance, etc.) And I calculated the number of free time I have in a week and I calculated the amount of time I need to study and do SCSU. And the latter number of hours exceeded the former. So somewhere I am going to have to fit in the hours for preparing for Sunday school.

I already dropped a course (Oral French) because it was 3 hours a week alongside volunteering downtown for 3 hours (6 hours in total+3 hours on the TTC in total). And I added Bible and Literature 2 because I like the prof, the topics are interesting and may help me in the future, and also I am quite familiar with the New Testament, wouldn't be hard.

Yesterday, at the Board Meeting, I wasn't feeling well and actually started crying a bit. I don't know if anyone except Aadam noticed. I didn't wanna look up, so I just wrote to Aadam to motion for recess after the current report. But of course the report was nice and long, which was fine, so I just went to the washroom and then afterwards, to the Prayer Room, and stayed there for quite a while. I don't know why I was so sad. I guess it started with the library 24/7 issue, but if you think about it, it wasn't such a big deal. Just somebody making SCSU think that there was miscommunication when there really was just that somebody's fault. And that somebody's fault is gonna affect me in the way that I need to work even MORE hours than I asked for, and because of this frustration I yelled out telling Aisha that she got lied to, and because of that I embarrassed myself by behaving in an unprofessional manner that I was very ashamed of. And all this mixed in with the presence of somebody in the Board Room with whom something happened and I don't know how to feel or write about this anymore.

Jeremy says that I spend so much time trying to make others happy that I end up not making myself happy. I think that might be true. I was gonna go to Ally's dance class but never got to cuz of permission problems, and I was gonna go sign up for another dance class but I wanted to go to Ally's to make her happy and see her more. And I wanted to go to the free fitness class yesterday but instead I spent the time taking a shower in the changeroom cuz I felt so exhausted from waking up at 8am thinking that I was responsible for helping with Alpha when actually it was cancelled, and also the stupid internet computer problem that took up at least an hour and a half in total, when I could have been studying, and if I was smart enough to get Adrian to use the school computer then we wouldn't have had the conversation last night on the phone which resulted in both of us crying.

I hope Adrian's alright. In frustration, I told him I wanted to spend less time with him because I had to do more homework and he was distracting. It's not that I don't want time with him, it's that I want to do my homework. Dangit I didn't even start preparing for my February Sunday School class.

And I wanted to drive but I still haven't gotten the time to learn!!!!!

I feel like I wasted a whole day yesterday. And today I wonder if I will even be in the mood to hang out with the French girls.

I told Adrian also that I did my devos for one day, and then stopped. It's really frustrating cuz I am doing all these things yet neglecting God. That just doesn't make any sense. I hate myself for it and I hate my schedule for it.

I hate to say it but I'm not gonna have time to tutor Josh C. and Lynda. They are great people but I just don't have the time and energy to do all this anymore.

I'm starting to feel alone too. I could see cliques forming very clearly in the Boardroom last night. I feel left out. And I feel alone in my FREC02 class cuz everyone already knew each other, it's like I failed the course or something.

I got a letter from Tyndale yesterday and for a moment I wanted to just give up everything to just go there next September. I heard it's a really friendly environment there, and of course I could get closer to God and finally do what I want to do rather than trying to make everyone except myself happy. I still want to go to Africa, France, Quebec, and China, and I still want to write a book, establish a mental health curriculum, and everything else I mentioned in past blog posts...

Sometimes I wonder what Paul meant when he talked about being single. I wonder if things would have been different if I stayed the way I was after some guy let me down. But I know Adrian gave me a lot of happiness too, and I know he cares about me and God wouldn't want me to let him down.

But I'm not a princess
This is a big world
I want to be out there
I have dreams
I have feelings
All I want is for me to be happy
and for others to just let me go
and for them to be happy too

Sometimes you have big dreams and reality comes and tells you that instead of doing what you want to do, you have to do what you NEED to do. I wonder if my life is going to be like that. Do people who chase their dreams regret not being with family? Do people who stay with their family regret not chasing their dreams? Do people who are single wish they are married? Do people who are married wish they were single?

I think we all want things we don't have. I want curly hair, Sara wants straight. People in poor places love school, we hate homework. The world is totally backwards and honestly I don't know why south is down, instead of Australia being in the North. Who decides which way is up anyways?

Anyway, I hope Adrian and I both feel better soon. It's almost our half-year anniversary... Jan. 18th to be exact...

I'm going to end on a good note. This is a great song by Taylor Swift, called "Change"... and I post this song with party SCSU in mind (blue), partly my dear boyfriend Adrian (bolded)...

Change lyrics
Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
You know it's all the same, another time and place
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do
And I'll do anything to see it through

Because these things will change, can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win

We'll sing hallelujah!
We'll sing hallelujah! Oh

So we've been outnumbered, raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair
We're getting stronger now from things they never found
They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared

You can walk away and say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this

'Cause these things will change, can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win

We'll sing hallelujah!
We'll sing hallelujah! Oh

Tonight we standed on our knees
To fight for what we worked for all these years
And the battle was long, it's the fight of our lives
Will we stand up champions tonight?

It was the night things changed, can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It's a revolution, throw your hands up, 'cause we never gave in

We'll sing hallelujah!
We sang hallelujah!
Hallelujah!

To Save a Life... just start by a simple Hello.

This movie is coming out in the US, hopefully my church teens will want to join together and bring it to Toronto. I think it has a great message. It's true, so many teen suicides happen because they feel like no one cares. And suicides don't get published in the papers, and they are even more forgotten about... If you try to reach out to the lost and lonely, the world will become a happier and more loving place. This movie reminds me of my younger days. It started with Selina reaching out to me, asking me about my day, and that's when I felt like I belonged somewhere. That's why as a Christian now, I am super outgoing and introduce myself to practically everyone, because I know that when I look into someone else's eyes, Jesus is there in some mysterious way. He said that whatever we do unto the least of the brothers of his, we do it unto Him.

Suicide is a big problem in North America. You would think that such a rich country like Canada with no wars going on in it... that you'd be happy. No. I think poor countries are happier than us for some reason, because at least they bond together and don't feel isolated and stressed to the max in a big city.

Anyway, we can reverse this trend. It takes one day to change a life, one simple hello and one sincerely said "how are you", just a sweet smile or a hug. It takes only one person to start a love revolution, only one decision to impact the world. One voice to convince a nation, one heart to save a billion souls.

If you don't think you can do it, just look at many examples over the course of history... Craig Kielburger, Agnesë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu (later renamed Mother Teresa), Bob Pierce, William Tyndale, Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr., Nellie McClung, Rosa Parks...

If you do not know some of these names I suggest that you google them. You will realize that these are not superheroes but ordinary people who chose to stand up for what was right. And I am inspired by them. In fact, I was named after one of them :-) Guess which?

Love,

Martine Lee

Learning to snowboard: A metaphor for one's faith journey

During the SCSU Mini-continuity retreat this past weekend, we discussed a lot, bonded a lot, had a lot of fun, and finally went snowboarding/skiing. Sara and I were pretty much the only beginner snowboarders from the SCSU, and we tried to learn to the best of our ability... but never made it to the bunny hill. We still didn't finish the 4 stages of the lessons. We were able to do the zigzag pattern but not the stopping, chicken stopping, carving, or whatever else those ppl on TV or snowboarder friend of mine, Julie Cho, can do. :-)

As I was snowboarding, I realized that learning snowboarding can be a very good allegory or metaphor to one's faith journey. First of all, you need to make a choice to choose snowboarding over skiing. Tons of people say that skiing is so much easier and if you want to have a fun day you should go skiing rather than wasting time falling on your bum with snowboarding. It is the same with God, a lot of people say that it makes more sense to not follow God, and that it's so many more rules to follow if you choose God. Why not spend time socializing more instead of reading your Bible?

Anyway, after choosing God, you also gotta have faith. At stage 2 of the snowboarding lesson, we had to learn how to trust the board and the snow, cuz if you lose faith and start to stumble about, you will fail and fall. You have to stay steady and just trust the board and the snow to take you where you wanna go. God will also be the same... it is only when you trust Him that He will take you where you wanna go.

Next, you start to get more confident and get the hang of it. Isn't it the same with faith? You start to familiarize yourself with the people, the church, the basic rules... and you feel kind of good! And it starts to get exciting!

But then comes the challenging stage. Stage 4. Muscles start hurting, you fall down hard on your bum and on your knees, your hands start freezing over cuz all your gloves are soaked and freezing hard... (yeah I didn't have proper equipment)... you almost hit your head, your back hurts... I almost wanted to cry and give up. Plus, the stupid Magic Carpet thing that brings you back uphill was just plain annoying, and traveling with a snowboard is a work out in and of itself (the snowboard was so heavy, and you have to drag it with your foot).

But I realized this is exactly the same as being a Christian. At some point in your faith journey, you are gonna get frustrated, get hurt, and want to give up. Cuz it's SO much work!!! But is it worth giving up? No, because, once you get through this stage, you will be able to feel much better and enjoy the ride down the mountain. The key is perseverance, and finding help from the coaches (snowboard instructors). In church, you can find some wise and experienced Christians to help you through the tough times, and get encouragement to carry on.

My last run was good. I only fell once cuz someone was in my way, not because I felt out of control and freaking out. I'm glad that I made that last run instead of ditching snowboarding for skiing. And after snowboarding, I don't think I will want to ski as much anymore, because snowboarding is so much better! After becoming a Christian, I also don't want to ever go back to my old life anymore. People may say that being religious is a pain in the ass, just like snowboarding... But...It is honestly just so much better, and worth the pain.
------------


-------------

This song reflects my life. I was telling Aadam from SCSU the metaphor about snowboarding and faith. And I told him how I used to be a bully, but after I became a Christian when I was 11, God turned my whole life around, and now I want to serve Him my whole entire life, as a pastor/missionary.

I feel that God is in every part of my life. From what I buy (I don't want to endorse child labour) to how I treat others... what activities I volunteer in, and how I study... it's all for God and God influences practically every decision.

I hope that this blog post inspires you, even if you don't believe in the God that I believe in. I deeply respect every religion, and if you decide to apply this allegory to your own religion, I don't mind. I just wanted to share about my own experience. :-) Take care, and I hope your journey will be a great one!

New year, new hopes

Hello friends,

How are you? Hope you are having a great year/ semester so far! I did not blog for a long time because I was in the USA for a Christian missions conference called Urbana. Not sure what you think of when you hear missions, but we talked about and learned about a lot of things. There were around 17000 people there, in St. Louis, and it's not the number that counts but the passion to serve people around the world and bring the good news of Christ through both words and action.

I went to a Hinduism workshop and an Islam workshop (taught by people who lived among people of those religions), just learning about the religions and what similarities or differences there were between Christianity and those religions. Also the speakers in the general sessions talked about issues like poverty, trafficking, forgiveness and reconciliation, the environment, etc.

I was really inspired and I want to share with you guys in more detail what I learned over the course of the next few weeks, cuz honestly if I fit all I learned in one blog post I will make your eyes tired!

So today I will focus on one thing: Family.

Most of you probably read a lot of stuff in the past year's blog posts about my family. I know I have not been giving out the best of attitude in my family, and at first I was really prideful in thinking that I was entitled to be so angry and criticize them. It's true that I have a reason to be angry but I think staying angry and bitter isn't going to help me or my family at all.

In our Urbana handbook there was a section talking about the prayer rooms and what the theme of the prayer rooms were going to be for each day. I decided that I had to go to the Thursday one cuz it had the title of something along the lines of "brokenness, sexual sin, and family". So I went and the prayer leader gave us Bible verses to reflect and pray about, and also songs to guide our prayer time.

She named out one by one some sins mentioned in Galatians (see below):

Galatians 5:19-21 (New International Version)

¹⁹The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; ²⁰idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions ²¹and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

I realized that I had the sins of pride, of discord, of fits of rage, and dissensions, sins that I didn't even know I had before. I started crying to God and asking for forgiveness, because although many of you think of me as a gentle person, sometimes when I am really angry at home, I yell a lot and there is a rift between me and a family member.

If you look at the Bible verse, you will see that most of the sins are pretty related. Like for me, discord, fits of rage, jealousy, dissensions, etc. are pretty related. And it shows how much God values unity and harmony in a family or in the world in general.

And although as a person striving for independence I do not like the word "submission" (the S-word!), at Urbana I learned that it is only through submitting to God's desires and submitting to my family that I will find peace. It doesn't mean I will be a slave, it just means I will be more agreeable (although I am tempted to shiver at this A-word as well).

I told my family about what I learned and I think they were really happy. I also think that without me first getting rid of my sin, I will never be able to shine God's light in my home. It is my toughest mission field, to be Jesus in my home.

Sometimes people don't like to talk about sin, but truth is, whether we know it or not, we have them, and if we realized that we were sinful and tried to change it, it would improve your life and others' lives as well... and usually our lives would be at least a bit more happy!

Take care and God bless,
from Martine

Prayers, hope, and love

Last post was very angry, and I don't want to end on a sad or angry note for 2009. I feel a lot better now, and experienced forgiveness and love (both me forgiving them and them forgiving me... so many misunderstandings over the past day). My sister gave me Urbana snacks just now, lots of them, and we're good now. My mom also tried to understand where I was coming from and gave gentle suggestions. And I say this without censorship.

Overall, with family, there is going to be ups and downs, but I guess without the downs you will never know what it really means to love and be happy. My family has been patient with my moods. I should also be patient with my family just as they have been with me. I spend some time sleeping and asking for prayers from friends from church, and so thanks to their prayers and also this song below, I am at peace and feel more ready to go to Urbana.

Thanks to everyone for being patient with me. I hope you have a fantabulous new year.



Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.


The Prayer of St Francis of Assisi

St. Francis was born at Assisi in 1182. After a care free youth, he turned his back on inherited wealth and committed himself to God. Like many early saints, he lived a very simple life of poverty, and in so doing, gained a reputation of being the friend of animals. He established the rule of St Francis, which exists today as the Order of St. Francis, or the Franciscans. He died in 1226, aged 44.

Not happy before Urbana...

This always has to happen. Right before something where I am looking forward to serving God and learning more, I always have something that makes me cry or depressed or wanting to do something opposite of what God wants me to do. Satan likes to attack people who love God a lot, especially because they are a threat to his dark kingdom. And I fell right into it. Dammit.

I've been crying almost every day this week. Too much family pressure. Pressure about what to pack, don't lose your wallet, don't lose this other thing, put it into this specific zipper, no other zipper will do. People unpacking the stuff I just packed, people saying "There she goes again, mad and crying, I'm glad I am not going to Urbana". People taking my passport and not telling me where it is, people saying I didn't visit grandma, guilt-tripping me right before I was visiting my other grandma, people saying I shouldn't bring this or that, which bag to use even if I think it's not practical, on and on. You may not understand cuz these things seem trivial but they actually hurt a lot because of the same problem I am always struggling with: INDEPENDENCE.

If you don't let me pack my own crap I will feel like a handicap or little child. And if you force me to use a certain zipper at the cost of your yelling I am going to feel pressured and forced. If you take away my passport and put it somewhere that I don't know, I am going to rip apart the room you just so kindly cleaned without my permission when I actually wanted to clean the room myself.

And you can lie all you want to Grandma saying that Pastor Ray is the adult on the team who will take care of me, but in my heart I know that I am an adult now just like everyone else on the team, and I can take care of my damn self. I already told you that Pastor Ray is just another person on the team, and I am the leader of the team, so you better not lie cuz Santa will skip you over with his sleigh and one day you will understand that it is a sin to lie like that.

I wish life was easier but you know, if you wanna serve God you're gonna experience trouble, and you can take my stupid life as a perfect example. If you don't have trouble you know you are actually not Satan's concern. In fact, he might even be using you to do his bad work, to hurt Christians or other ppl who are doing what God wants.

I want my own printer, don't wanna rely on someone else's ink, and I want my own life that I can do what I want to do with. I need my own laptop and a blog that my family will not criticize or censor, and I need to be able to spend time with Adrian without feeling guilty or criticized by my family. My family cannot control me although many times I let them. I have my own life, and my mood will get better once I get out of this beautiful country I call home.

Oh yeah, I thought that my family accepted Adrian but turns out they don't accept him fully. And it makes me angry because someone just had to challenge me to a duel to not see him for a whole week after Urbana and not call him either. It's so annoying. Threats... saying that our love is fragile and that this or that. The person doesn't even know the whole story.

And I think this reading over the shoulder business that happpened earlier this year is gonna happen again so I'm gonna stop.

BYE.

Merry Christmas! (and a reflection about the year)

To all my dear readers, I want to thank you for your readership support, and those of you who have encouraged me in my walk with God or journey in life this year!!! Wish you all a fun holiday and Merry Christmas! Happy New Year too, cuz I will be gone to St. Louis, Missouri for about 6 days (coming back New Year's Day)!!!

In case you're wondering what the trip is for, it is actually not a vacation exactly, it is a trip to go to a missions conference called Urbana (www.urbana09.org) which happens only every 3 years (yes, I missed it last time). We learn about issues around the world that need our help and how to join into God's work spreading his message and love to others in practical ways. There will be music, inspirational speakers, Bible studies, workshops, devotions, missions fairs with different organizations showing their work and what they do, etc.

I've been the team leader for my Urbana team at East Toronto Chinese Baptist Church. It was stressful at times and sometimes I wanted to quit but you know, it was all worth it in the end, now that the trip is approaching.

I am having a great Christmas break so far, seeing a lot of friends and as usual, having a lot of activities :D but it could be a bad thing if I overload myself... I saw the Sound of Music, wow, so good it made me wanna cry! I was so amazed at the set, how the stage moved, the lighting, and the music was not as bad as I was worried it could be. The only thing I cringed at was how Maria seemed too young for the Captain. :P But that's only a minor thing, the whole musical was AMAZING! I'm so glad we went and got 57 dollar tickets (trust me, it was discounted).

Also, a bunch of us went caroling at a seniors' home, and it was also very fun, although sometimes embarrassing. I accidentally said the wrong thing to a man who shared to me that his wife had passed away, but thank God he was okay in the end, after I told him things to help him feel like I understood. I unfortunately or fortunately don't think I will organize caroling next year, it's just a bit of a headache sometimes, although I guess in the long run it didn't go to waste but I hope other ppl can organize it so that I can go on a sabbatical.

It was good to see Junie, David, Chris, and José yesterday. We had a good time eating lunch and although I was a bit bored during Adrian and José's HeroClix game, at least I enjoy looking at the HeroClix for artistic purposes and got to update my prayer book while I waited for them to finish :D.

This is my first Christmas season spent with Adrian. It is very very special to me. I will never forget. That's why I wanted to make sure we take a picture together. Tonight was the church event and although at first I was sad that a lot of friends couldn't come, it turned out that a bunch of them did. Peter, May, Walter, Ally, Irene, and a new friend... Leanne... Leanne is a grade 3 girl who was crying when I first came into the church. But slowly I got her a bit more cheered up and I hope to see her in Children's worship in the New Year. It was her first day today, and she was extremely shy at first. Now I think she really likes me. :D

This year was characterized by roller coasters. (did I say the same thing last year? Maybe I should say, rolling mountains this time.) Anyway, ups and downs. But right now the whole year is a blur and I only remember the happy times I spent with Adrian the most. I'm really glad about that. He makes such a big difference in my life.

I don't remember last year's resolutions, and so I hypothesize that since resolutions only last for 2 months anyways, we should call them New 2 months' resolutions. So here are mine:

1. Join a professional dance class (aka Alcina's dance studio!!!)
2. Stop overloading myself with excessive work (aka remember that the suggested SCSU standing committee membership is 2 standing committees for a reason, and do less guitar lessons)
3. Play violin more, for FUN!
4. Get my G2 (might take more than 2 months but might as well start)
5. Exercise 2x a month with Adrian... and we have to do REAL exercise, the kind that makes us SWEAT! (I know Adrian will like it when we exercise... or not)
6. Get organized for school. (aka make sure you are writing in the right notebook for your respective courses)
7. Saturdays reserved for REST. (including Adrian time, which is usually restful)

Things have gotten a lot better as the year progressed. Last Christmas started with some bad things happening but now it's a really nice Christmas. My family relationships have gotten better over the course of the year, and I reconnected with Adrian of course! And I got my lithium stabilizer of course, which also helps me to be happier in general.

Now to get my physical health back in order! Ugh, I hate my uterus. (sorry, I'm just being honest)

Today Adrian and I saw "The Blind Side". It's based on a true story. It was really good!!!!