Frustration to the MAX!

Yesterday evening and this morning I felt so frustrated! I feel better now, but I still need to write it all out so that I don't throw a fit later. Maybe exercise would also help. It's really annoying because when I get really frustrated I want to take it out on myself. And that means I get depressed and restless and wanting to punch/scream, etc.

Why am I so frustrated? Because there is not enough time. I don't think I am workaholic anymore, but I still have the right to want to finish the things I want to do (e.g. homework, preparing for the Sunday school that I'm passionate about, dance, etc.) And I calculated the number of free time I have in a week and I calculated the amount of time I need to study and do SCSU. And the latter number of hours exceeded the former. So somewhere I am going to have to fit in the hours for preparing for Sunday school.

I already dropped a course (Oral French) because it was 3 hours a week alongside volunteering downtown for 3 hours (6 hours in total+3 hours on the TTC in total). And I added Bible and Literature 2 because I like the prof, the topics are interesting and may help me in the future, and also I am quite familiar with the New Testament, wouldn't be hard.

Yesterday, at the Board Meeting, I wasn't feeling well and actually started crying a bit. I don't know if anyone except Aadam noticed. I didn't wanna look up, so I just wrote to Aadam to motion for recess after the current report. But of course the report was nice and long, which was fine, so I just went to the washroom and then afterwards, to the Prayer Room, and stayed there for quite a while. I don't know why I was so sad. I guess it started with the library 24/7 issue, but if you think about it, it wasn't such a big deal. Just somebody making SCSU think that there was miscommunication when there really was just that somebody's fault. And that somebody's fault is gonna affect me in the way that I need to work even MORE hours than I asked for, and because of this frustration I yelled out telling Aisha that she got lied to, and because of that I embarrassed myself by behaving in an unprofessional manner that I was very ashamed of. And all this mixed in with the presence of somebody in the Board Room with whom something happened and I don't know how to feel or write about this anymore.

Jeremy says that I spend so much time trying to make others happy that I end up not making myself happy. I think that might be true. I was gonna go to Ally's dance class but never got to cuz of permission problems, and I was gonna go sign up for another dance class but I wanted to go to Ally's to make her happy and see her more. And I wanted to go to the free fitness class yesterday but instead I spent the time taking a shower in the changeroom cuz I felt so exhausted from waking up at 8am thinking that I was responsible for helping with Alpha when actually it was cancelled, and also the stupid internet computer problem that took up at least an hour and a half in total, when I could have been studying, and if I was smart enough to get Adrian to use the school computer then we wouldn't have had the conversation last night on the phone which resulted in both of us crying.

I hope Adrian's alright. In frustration, I told him I wanted to spend less time with him because I had to do more homework and he was distracting. It's not that I don't want time with him, it's that I want to do my homework. Dangit I didn't even start preparing for my February Sunday School class.

And I wanted to drive but I still haven't gotten the time to learn!!!!!

I feel like I wasted a whole day yesterday. And today I wonder if I will even be in the mood to hang out with the French girls.

I told Adrian also that I did my devos for one day, and then stopped. It's really frustrating cuz I am doing all these things yet neglecting God. That just doesn't make any sense. I hate myself for it and I hate my schedule for it.

I hate to say it but I'm not gonna have time to tutor Josh C. and Lynda. They are great people but I just don't have the time and energy to do all this anymore.

I'm starting to feel alone too. I could see cliques forming very clearly in the Boardroom last night. I feel left out. And I feel alone in my FREC02 class cuz everyone already knew each other, it's like I failed the course or something.

I got a letter from Tyndale yesterday and for a moment I wanted to just give up everything to just go there next September. I heard it's a really friendly environment there, and of course I could get closer to God and finally do what I want to do rather than trying to make everyone except myself happy. I still want to go to Africa, France, Quebec, and China, and I still want to write a book, establish a mental health curriculum, and everything else I mentioned in past blog posts...

Sometimes I wonder what Paul meant when he talked about being single. I wonder if things would have been different if I stayed the way I was after some guy let me down. But I know Adrian gave me a lot of happiness too, and I know he cares about me and God wouldn't want me to let him down.

But I'm not a princess
This is a big world
I want to be out there
I have dreams
I have feelings
All I want is for me to be happy
and for others to just let me go
and for them to be happy too

Sometimes you have big dreams and reality comes and tells you that instead of doing what you want to do, you have to do what you NEED to do. I wonder if my life is going to be like that. Do people who chase their dreams regret not being with family? Do people who stay with their family regret not chasing their dreams? Do people who are single wish they are married? Do people who are married wish they were single?

I think we all want things we don't have. I want curly hair, Sara wants straight. People in poor places love school, we hate homework. The world is totally backwards and honestly I don't know why south is down, instead of Australia being in the North. Who decides which way is up anyways?

Anyway, I hope Adrian and I both feel better soon. It's almost our half-year anniversary... Jan. 18th to be exact...

I'm going to end on a good note. This is a great song by Taylor Swift, called "Change"... and I post this song with party SCSU in mind (blue), partly my dear boyfriend Adrian (bolded)...

Change lyrics
Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
You know it's all the same, another time and place
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do
And I'll do anything to see it through

Because these things will change, can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win

We'll sing hallelujah!
We'll sing hallelujah! Oh

So we've been outnumbered, raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair
We're getting stronger now from things they never found
They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared

You can walk away and say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this

'Cause these things will change, can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win

We'll sing hallelujah!
We'll sing hallelujah! Oh

Tonight we standed on our knees
To fight for what we worked for all these years
And the battle was long, it's the fight of our lives
Will we stand up champions tonight?

It was the night things changed, can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It's a revolution, throw your hands up, 'cause we never gave in

We'll sing hallelujah!
We sang hallelujah!
Hallelujah!