God's miracle for me this week...

Remember how I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder officially last week? And remember the quote I put up last post? Well, the most amazing thing happened. Yesterday, at counselling, I brought the library book that I found the quote in to show to my counsellor, Juan. Before I even showed her the quote, she said that she just remembered, there was a speaker coming in next week, and she has bipolar. I was like, cool, I wanna go! It's going to be next Thursday at UTSC.

Then she looked up the website and guess who the speaker was! Kay Jamison! The lady who wrote the quote that inspired me! (see last post) I was SO happy, because this was like the perfect timing that she brought this up, right after I got diagnosed and right before the event. If I had been diagnosed later, I would not have known. Had I skipped counselling yesterday, I would not have known. And what kind of interesting circumstance that the quote I JUST read from the FIRST library book I picked up from the library, was Kay Jamison's, and she is coming ALL the way from John Hopkins University (from the US) to speak at UTSC next week!!!!

After counselling, I went down to Student Affairs to get a ticket. But the event was sold out! So I begged the secretary and she said I could talk to Drew Dudley. Drew said I could get into the event, because I explained my situation and he thought I could really benefit from the event. I also wanted to just thank Kay Jamison. Then Drew opened up and told me he had bipolar. Drew, that I've known for 3 years (he helps clubs a lot, part of Student Affairs job). He shared his experiences with me and also said that he wanted to share it to the school but he wasn't sure how (so that's why I know he doesn't mind me talking about this here). He reassured me that the medicine for bipolar works well and he has felt no side effects.

WOW! Now I know that someone I know has bipolar! It really helps to have someone understand. It was a great talk. He even said he would help me enter into the book draw, but he said not to tell anyone I got an extra ticket (hey, don't tell anyone okay?) in case other people also want to get in and want to be an exception like me.

I found out Kay Jamison wrote two books describing her experience with bipolar. She is a top researcher, very successful, so it is inspiring to know that bipolar will not make you in any way weaker or dumber or whatnot. I want to buy her books and let her autograph them :-)

Anyway, that's my sharing for today. If this doesn't show God taking care of me and having a plan for me, I don't know what does.

:-) The Starfield concert was great yesterday night too. I felt reminder's of God's presence as a Loving Father, and I was happy to see that Adrian found the concert alright too. Starfield is so genuine and talented, sharing their gifts for God. I got a CD and a poster (now up on my bedroom wall, scribbled with some of the song lyrics to remind myself of God's calling).

I also started researching seminaries. I think Tyndale is the most suitable one so far. :-) I plan to visit the campus with Pierce soon.

Martine

More deeply...

Recently I have been ordering books from the library (free service) about bipolar disorder. There was this one quote I found that made me feel really good to be bipolar. Surprising that a mental disorder can actually be an advantage, eh? Karissa told me also that a handicap can be a blessing in disguise. You can see things uniquely. And for me, more deeply. Here is the quote, from Kay Jamison:

I honestly believe that as a result of it (bipolar disorder) I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more... seen the finest and the most terrible in people, and slowly learned the values of caring, loyalty, and seeing things through.... But, normal or manic, I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know.... It has made me test the limits of my mind. Extremes of emotions are a gift-- the capacity to be passionately involved in life, to care deeply about things, to feel hurt; a lot of people don't have that. It's the transition in and out of the highs and lows, the constant contrast, that fosters creativity.

When I read this quote, I was like... WOW, that's SO me! It's so beautifully put... It's true, I have loved faster, and more deeply, and hurt more deeply too, but I guess it was all worth it. And through my troubles I have learned what loyalty means, because I know who my real friends are after I go through a very emotional (sometimes angry) time. My family also has stuck by me, and so I know what caring and patience really is.

And I know now that having my mental disorders is actually a blessing because I can understand others better when they are going through hard times. Already in this month I've had two friends who shall remain unnamed come up to me and share their psychological troubles. It helps for them to feel like someone understands. When I was going through my crap at first, there was no one who understood. That's why I felt so happy when I met a girl who told me she had depression. I was reluctant to open up but after I told her I was depressed, she opened up too.

So you see, when you open up your heart, others will also open up. If you close your heart, others will close theirs!!

For people who haven't met Mr. or Ms. Right!

I feel that the lyrics of this song, "Haven't met you yet" by Michael Buble is very encouraging, it kind of reflects how I felt after so many broken hearts. But now I finally "found" Adrian! So don't give up hope! Listen to this song, it is so uplifting and hopeful!

I'm not surprised.
Not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in.
I talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.
I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmm...

I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your love is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

Mmmm...

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair.
And in love and war.
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and,
We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And being in your life is gonna change me.
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmm.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get,
Than I get, than I get, than I get.

I just haven't met you yet.

My Sharing

Tonight I shared to the PSYB32 class about my anxiety disorder. It was the first time sharing in front of hundreds of people about my mental disorder, so it was definitely a new experience. My hands were shaking, but in general since I practiced my speech it went really well. It was very encouraging as well after the talk, there were so many people who came up to me and thanked me for the presentation, and told me that I was very brave. I felt really happy. I didn't expect so many people to come up to me later, I guess I only expected them to ask questions.

The professor and the other guest speaker, a Gestalt therapist, were also very kind and patient with me. The prof said, "I honestly believe that you saved somebody's life tonight." I felt really happy.

God, I thank You. I guess 3 years ago I couldn't really understand why this mental illness had to happen to me, but You showed me the reason tonight. I pray that other people who may have psychological trauma will seek help.

Prayer to God in a library

Psalm 40

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

³ He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

---

Tonight there is not much to do here at the library. I'm just sitting at the desk wondering what else to do. So I thought I would spend my time at the library praying...

Hi God,

I know it's been awhile since you had a deeper conversation with me. I'm so sorry. It's either my memory that fails me, or I just go from thought to thought and sooner or later I get thinking about my own stuff rather than intentionally talking to you or with you.

God, thanks for helping me to stop thinking about looking for new jobs. I guess I should just take what you give me and stop trying to get more and more. I really want to pray for my relationship with Adrian though... I pray that you will help both of us to communicate well and have enough time to spend with each other in a realistic way, and be healthy emotionally and physically.

I guess I just don't know how to really "manage" having a boyfriend. I'm so used to being single, and I love Adrian, but I don't know how to "manage" doing full-time school, part-time jobs, and volunteering with ministries all at the same time as having a boyfriend. I mean, I never had a boyfriend that my parents actually approved of before, or maybe even, that You approved of before.

And I guess I don't know what to do because it would have been easier if Adrian was a student at UTSC, then we would have a similar lifestyle but since we have different lifestyles I feel like I'm kind of unbalanced compared to him. Like I'm always weighing down the seesaw while he is on the other end higher up. Because my workload is crazy.

Lord, I'm thinking about Bible college and the future. I know Bible college will also be a crazy workload, and so that's why Paula stayed single all throughout Bible college. But how in the world will I spend time with Adrian then? I mean, I have to do well in Bible college to be a pastor. I thought about marrying him right after U of T graduation, then for sure I can spend more time with him since I would be living with him, but that would be kind of early... I feel too young to marry.

I'm actually doing emotionally well. Thanks, Lord, I'm really glad about that. I think lithium won't be too bad... just will make me sleepy and thirsty a lot... I might gain a few pounds :-) from side effects too. But I won't be fat, that's what Dr. Chandler said. Thanks God that Juan was there today, I would be very frustrated trying to translate to my mom.

I'm looking forward to all the wonderful things that are happening soon, God. Like Fall Fest, me and Adrian will be volunteering... Starfield concert that Adrian and I will be going to (YAY first official Christian concert!)... Halloween Pub at UTSC, and lots more. I'm even thinking of having Adrian eat with me at Rex's Den. :-) A nice restaurant right on campus that just opened (or at least, is supposed to be open by now).

I really love the email devos, they really help a lot to remind me of You, God. I just wish that I had more motivation and mental concentration to read more parts of the Bible.

I pray for Alice, my mentor. She's been stressed lately. Please help her with her Ethics course. Please also help Uncle Miguel's family. I pray for comfort and for Your providence at this time. I hope Saturday is encouraging for them rather than just depressing. I ask for your help with the kids, too. I don't know if they really know what's going on or how it might affect their future.

Thank you again, Jesus. Love always,

from Martine

A formal diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder

Alright, so after another hour and a half of discussion later, I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. A lot of people don't know what it is. I don't mind talking about it. I feel fine these days, at least this week, but yeah, here's some info from a reliable website (http://www.mooddisorders.on.ca/bipolar.html):

Manic depressive illness or bipolar disorder is a medical condition in which people have extreme mood swings. Their mood swings have nothing to do with things going on in their lives. These swings do not only affect mood, they also affect how people think, behave and function. Bipolar disorder is a medical disorder that can be treated.

A person with bipolar disorder may show signs of depression or mania. Bipolar disorder affects approximately 1% of the adult population and is equally distributed between males and females.

Signs and symptoms of depression include but are not limited to:

• Sad mood
• Preoccupation with failures or inadequacies and a loss of self-esteem
• Feelings of uselessness, hopelessness, excessive guilt
• Slowed thinking, forgetfulness, difficulty in concentrating and in making decisions
• Loss of interest in work, hobbies, people
• Social isolation
• Lethargy
• Agitation
• Changes in appetite or weight - eating too little or too much
• Oversleeping or insomnia
• Decreased sexual drive
• Suicidal thoughts

Signs and symptoms of mania include but are not limited to:

• Elevated, expansive mood
• Extreme irritability
• Rapid, unpredictable emotional changes
• Racing thoughts, flights of ideas
• Overreaction to stimuli, misinterpretation of events
• Increased interest in activities
• Overspending
• Sense of grandiosity, inflated self-esteem
• Excessive energy
• Decreased need for sleep
• Increased sexual drive, sexual indiscretions
• Poor judgment

The most commonly used forms of treatment for depression and mania are medication and psychotherapy. They are used alone or in combination with other treatments. Approximately one in three people with bipolar disorder will remain completely free of symptoms just by taking mood stabilizing medication. Some of the factors that determine the type of treatment are the nature of the symptoms, the severity and duration of the illness, possible precipitating causes and previous response to treatment.

--

Yeah, I might have to switch medications...

Who am I?

The past few days I've been going through a rough time. No one is perfect, and we all go through rough times but I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore or what I was doing in life. I didn't know WHAT I wanted to do anymore, especially what to do in December (if I should get a seasonal job or spend time just studying, or spending time alone with God for days, or what!) I wasn't sure if I was smart anymore, if I was kind anymore, if I had any identity apart from my jobs or volunteer work.

Cuz Jeremy asked me a question at our Spiritual Direction session. He asked, "How does God enjoy you, Martine? Not what you do." I had no idea. I said that I was God's child and creation and that He enjoyed me that way, but Jer said it was too general, cuz how does God enjoy me specificially? I then thought of the things I do for God, but that doesn't make sense cuz God doesn't love people more if they do more for Him. So I started to have an identity crisis where I realized that my self-concept comes from what I do. If I didn't have 2 jobs, 3 volunteer organizations, and 2 clubs, I wouldn't know who I am. And that was a problem.

I finally admitted to being a workaholic. I thought about work more than I thought about other people. When I thought about other people, half the time I was worried about what they thought of me. And I searched up "How do I know that I am a workaholic" and found that I actually was one. I am going to go to workaholics anonymous next month. They have a meeting downtown. Haha, I'm not so anonymous anymore.

I need to learn to be a no woman. You know the movie "Yes Man"? Well instead of learning to say yes to more opportunities, I have to say no. I have had this problem ever since grade 10, of wanting to do all the work myself and wanting things to go my way. I got so attached to my work that last week I cried my head off (lost a lot of brain cells, hence my memory is like a 60 year old) just because people wanted to take the work away from me so that they could help.

I want to thank Edwin for being so patient with me. Adrian was also there for me too.

Yeah, so I'm now the NO woman. I will only finish what I started and not try to take on more work shifts at the library. I need to train myself to rest. Doesn't make sense does it? well, if you are a workaholic you would know what I mean.

I hated my attitude. I hated how grumpy I was last week and how I cried more about my work than about Uncle Miguel passing away. I hated how I wasn't in tune with God anymore. I hated how I was so behind in schoolwork because I was doing other work. I hated the way I was. I hated myself.

Honestly, I thought about suicide briefly again the past few days but thank God that he cheered me up enough to not jump in front of a car. I know I need help. Tomorrow I'm going to the psychiatrist to see if I need another medication and Friday I'm seeing Juan my counselor. Cuz if I don't get enough help to heal, I will never be able to become a Pastor. And for a while the past few days I doubted my calling, I thought maybe I wasn't meant to be a pastor cuz I was so damn weak. And not just mentally weak but spiritually weak. I felt that I had absolutely no discipline, and I was ashamed of myself.

So right now I'm trying to get back to God slowly, through devos and such. Prayer is also important, I've been trying to pray more again. Life is so much more than money. Why didn't I follow my own advice?

I've been anxious again too. My friends notice that sometimes I am quiet and I zone out when they are trying to talk to me. They know something is wrong. I told people to pray for me... I might have bipolar disorder... I will find out tomorrow. My mom's coming with me to the psychiatrist. damn it's going to be frustrating.

I need a retreat. I need a retreat where I will be all by myself. Nothing to worry about, just thinking about God and seeing what He has to say. I miss Him, you know. I miss Him a lot. But when I try to hear him, my mind goes off in ten different directions and I cannot hear anymore. My anxiety and mood gets in the way. How the hell am I going to solve this problem?

Also, I've become a boy magnet. Not that I mean to, but a couple boys seem to like me more than a friend. it's dangerous. I want to be faithful to Adrian, but Satan likes to tempt me with these three things: money, boys, and pride. Those three are the biggest temptations for me I think. Worry is not a sin cuz it's part of my psychiatric disorder, I can't help it, but yeah.

I want to be faithful to God. But my memory fails me, I don't even remember what I sang to Him two days ago. dangit.

And I hate that song called "Will you love Jesus more?" now. It makes me sad and guilty.