Two very important letters that will never be sent...

Dear reader,

I often deal with my problems by talking to friends or to my counselor or praying. But sometimes that is not enough. Sometimes, I have to write it out. It happened when my grandma fell sick and eventually passed away. I had to write her a letter, an English one, that I still have in my room somewhere right now. Why is it in English? Well it's the language I'm most comfortable with, and it's not like I am giving her the letter. The letter was addressed to her but it was really for me to process my feelings and be able to say goodbye.

The time has come for me to write two more goodbye letters. Please don't freak out, I am not writing my goodbye letter to my readers (aka you) and I am not suicidal. I simply need to say goodbye to Arabic Church and Andrew Chao. (funny how they both start with the letter A)...

Please keep this confidential because as you know, my blog is only accessible to my most trusted people. If this leaks out I don't know what I would do. It is very personal. In fact, I am afraid to cry as I write these letters... I know that crying should be like a release but at the same time I remember numerous occasions where I have been blogging or thinking about something, I got all stressed out and worked up and cried my head off, and 2 days later, my period came again at the wrong time. The stress of crying and thinking about certain things make my period come back improperly... that's what I'm afraid of right now.

I just finished watching a hannah montana movie so i hope that this laughter that i got from the movie can help me cope with the writing of the two letters, that way i dont need to postpone my uterus ultrasound YET AGAIN (ive done that like 4 times now???)

So please bear with me, this may get long but at least I can finally let it out and say a proper goodbye, and just let go...

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Dear Arabic Church youth and kids,

You are so precious to me. If you knew the real reason why I left, you would be so worried for me and start to question things. I told you that I left due to "family obligations" but the truth is, my mom threatened me and emotionally blackmailed me into leaving. I told you that it was part of God's will that I left when I actually don't even know if it was really God's will or not, because in fact I felt that I should have stayed and that God wanted me to stay. Why did the circumstances not go in "God's" favour? Was I wrong about God's voice? I don't even think so. So basically I disobeyed God by leaving you guys with only Suong taking care of both of you (groups).

I cried so much because I really wanted to stay even if it was just for once every two weeks, but my mom didn't let me. My parents have been like this (specifically my mom) for the whole lifespan of my life, and I still struggle with God's voice versus my parents' voice. I'm sorry I let you down.

I deeply want to hold on but Pastor Fiona said that I should go and just release it to God. I still am very concerned about finding a new leader but Fiona said I should leave it in her hands.

I'm so sorry to disappoint you. I was a very effective leader and I could have done so much more. Not that I am all-powerful like God but I could see you guys growing under my leadership and you know I'm gonna be thinking about you every day.

I try to bury it inside but really I do miss you and wish I could come back. I'm actualy taking a youth ministry course and every single thing I learn I think back to YOU. I thought of how if I could apply this or that in Arabic Church youth ministry, things would be so much more effective.

As I write this tears are flowing down my face and I pray I will not get my period back. I thank you for understanding and being so supportive of me even when I said I was leaving you guys thanked me and gave me hugs and encouragement. Even though I am your leader, I have learned a lot from you and hope we always stay in touch.

Things at my church are different from Arabic church. Not that I don't love my church but you guys are something special. I could see God moving so powerfully and I felt the Holy Spirit's joy as I was there with you guys.

If someone had put a gun to my head asking me if I love God I would say yes and die for my faith, no problem.

But if my mom threatens me saying she would kick me out of the house or that she would disown me if I didn't quit Arabic Church, I would pick my mom. I'm so sorry but that is just the truth of what I did and I failed you guys by not standing up for God.

You know my health is not good either and that was one of the reasons that my mom didn't want me to serve. But you know what I could have served every other week, what was wrong with that? I could have even served until we found another leader, why did I have to leave so abruptly? All because of my mom and her blackmail methods.

Now I know why some people renounce their faith, it's because they want to avoid torture. Same here.

I love you all very much and I will pray for you every day, I promise!!! I miss you and love you so much. Please don't leave God or the youth group. Please keep praying and growing in the Lord. I would hate to see you guys slip and fall just cuz I'm not there anymore. Please support Suong and encourage him and let him be your leader for now, even though he is more of a kids guy. Please.

You are very dear to me and you don't know how much it hurts me to say goodbye. But I will see you later and I guess this goodbye is just temporary. Please pray for me okay? And pray for the church. Please.

Take care, guys. Love you all.

Your big sister, Martine Lee.
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Dear Andrew,

I don't even know where to start. I have loved you for so long and treasured you as one of my close friends. But you don't see me the same way. There have been miscommunications betweeen us that made me very hurt and neglected. I felt I was opening myself up to you but you never really opened up to me or knew how to care for me.

I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable by being me and pouring out all my feelings in front of you. Maybe you are not used to that.

But I have decided to let you go. "Dump" you out of my heart. I have decided that it's not worth waiting for, because I've waited long enough and I see you replying other people's facebook msgs but not mine. Sure, you text me back but I feel it's probably out of your feelings of obligation.

My friends say I can do better than you. I deserve someone who would treat me kindly. Even Caleb or Sam or guys in lifegroup treat me better than the way you treat me. Your words are insensitive sometimes and sometimes you just haven't got a clue what's going on.

I spent way too much time checking up on you while you don't even check on me even half the amount of times I check on you. You were right. You aren't fit for a romantic relationship. And you really do have nothing to offer to a possible future wife. I can't believe it, but you were right.

I think I won't block you. But my goal for this year is that every time I type the letter "A" in the facebook search box, eventually I would have stopped looking at your facebook page so much that your name won't even pop up anymore. My goal is that by the end of this year I will forget your phone number and not text you anymore. I won't visit you anymore. Why visit someone who doesn't love me?

I will spend my time on better things. What a waste of time that I spent on you. I bet you don't even appreciate it. You probably don't see me as a close friend. Like I said to you before, I'm just another girl to you. I'm nothing special to you.

Well you know what, God thinks I'm special and my friends think I'm a great person. You really missed out. I will only forgive you if for some reason a death or accident happened to you this week and that's why you couldn't reply me in any manner.

I hope nothing bad happened to you or your family but you know what, I will keep praying for your family cuz I know that is the Christ like thing to do. But I won't keep on hoping that you would be the one for me anymore.

I wonder how long it will take before you realize I am gonna give you silent treatment. Probably a year? Yeah, I bet you won't even care if I don't text or call or email or fb you for a whole year.

Good bye Andrew. And I won't see you later except for in heaven. I won't visit you, I will visit your sister, I will visit Lillian, I will visit Esther and Cindy, but NOT YOU. NOT YOU!!!!

It's time I stand up for myself and set my standards higher. It's time that I respect myself and my time and energy. It's time I respect my heart. I rather stay single than marry someone like you!!!

This is the LAST TIME i'm gonna give up on you. I've given up on you in the past but in the past I forgave you and then renewed my hope that you could be the one. NO MORE.

Srijit and Thuy are happy. Ying and Aaron are happy. Victoria and Kevin are happy. My sister and Nicholas are happy.

WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY? Well you know what, i'm gonna be happy cuz I got Jesus as my boyfriend and he's never gonna let me down. I'm gonna be happy, alright!

Andrew, thanks for being there when I needed it. But any friend could have done that, why did I rely on you? Thanks though. Thanks for practicing French with me but SCREW YOU for dumping me when I was waiting for you and SCREW YOU for saying you didn't pray about the relationship and SCREW YOU for every time you made me cry. You made me smile sometimes but that never lasted, you always end up making me cry and you don't even realize what a jerk move you just did.

GOOD BYE Andrew. I hope you live a great life without me.

GOOD BYE FOR REAL AND FOR GOOD!

NOT yours,

Martine (and don't you dare write or pronounce my name wrong like you did in the past!)