Dear All,
I'm sorry I didn't update in so long. Truth is, I lost myself over the past months. I got too caught up trying to help people and lost myself. Let me explain my thoughts, because today I finally realized everything and started to care about myself again.
I was wondering why I was so lazy the past few days. I was so lazy that I left my church work to the last minute, spent hours on Youtube browsing instead of doing my homework (got a zero for not doing it on time), and just didn't have any inspiration for anything.
Then today after talking to the counselor I took a lot of time to think about my life and as I realized more and more about myself I cried more and more. Not tears of depression, but tears of finally "getting it". Tears of realization and feeling touched by what I learned about myself.
Most of my life many people kept on telling me, "don't overload yourself", "take time to be by yourself and relax", "love yourself". But I never admitted that I had a problem. I thought I was OK. I didn't realize that my identity was revolving around other people. I felt the way I could be happy was to either make everyone else happy, and my worth would be found in being there for everybody and being the best leader and best friend possible.
I put so much pressure on myself that I started seeing my friends less and less unless they had a problem that they wanted me to listen to. I started putting pressure on myself to be a great leader, working away for the church, and being strong or appearing strong so that I wouldn't let anyone down.
Don't get me wrong, I was not trying to help others just to feel good about myself. I truly had compassion for others and I wanted to see them grow. But I neglected myself and didn't care for my own happiness. I felt others were more important than me, that I had to be the strong one.
Drowning myself in work, I didn't spend enough time grieving over my four friends who died, I didn't see the counselor for 4 months straight, and I stopped hanging out with Aaron and his friends from church. Little did I know that I was neglecting myself from happiness.
I found my happiness in work only. Unfortunately. And when work became stressful and drama and problems started happening in my life, I clung onto Chris and Golda. I neglected to turn to my other friends, and when Golda and Chris became triggers because I would have issues with them, I broke down.
Then I only had the counselor to cling onto for help. I felt alone. However, slowly I started getting help, not just from the counselor but from Nadia and Pastor Victor and Pastor Wang. I slowly started to open up about my problems again and work through my own issues.
Today I cried a lot because I realized I missed being with Aaron and the church friends at Aaron's house. Those were the happiest times of my life because this group of friends really showed God's love to me in a way that is so special. This group would accept you as you are, appreciate you, selflessly give their time and money to help you, a true family. They would have fun without alcohol ( I was never that big on alcohol anyway ), and have the most laughs like for example at the Christmas and birthday parties.
Don't get me wrong, I have good friends who are not Christian too. I don't judge if you drink alcohol or whatever. I appreciate my non Christian friends too. But what I mean is that my life's happiest moments were at Aaron's house. And I missed those times deeply today. These are the friends who didn't give me drama, and if drama happened to me, they would support and pray for me. They would check up on me once in a while, and they bore with me when I went wild with my so many romantic relationships.
I realized I went wild and dated Christos because I was overworked and wanted to feel wild and free from work. Christos gave me temporary happiness and support so I clung onto him. I clung onto the wrong thing. I went insane from overworking myself basically.
I stopped doing things I enjoyed, such as dancing and singing. I stopped caring about myself, eating poorly and not even writing much in my blog anymore. Chris tried to encourage me to care for myself and all that, but I was drowning in drama and my own problems.
I basically sacrificed myself to help people , especially helping Golda. But in two months time, I am going to move out of Golda's place and move to Aaron's basement. I think I will become much happier there. I'll have room to self reflect and care for myself again. I won't have to worry about making Golda happy or fear of triggering her. She is doing much better now anyway and it's not fair that I am doing worse.
My brain hurts from remembering all those good memories at Aaron's parties and crying because I missed those friends so much. These are the friends that I actually really want to introduce to other friends and to Chris, because they are so caring.
I had a good phone chat with Jen today. She was really happy for me that I finally realized all these things and she says this just means I will move forward from here. She encouraged me to write the thoughts down so here I am writing.
Golda knows I'm going to move out and thank God she was understanding. She knows that this was only a step in my journey and I'll grow more when I'm away from her house, because my "mission" at her house was pretty much accomplished since she is feeling better now anyways.
I'm thankful for Chris who has been supporting me through this too. Even though he is overworked in New York, he always makes time to talk to me on Skype.
I'm finding myself again. Finally. Today I hugged myself and cried. Finally I learn to love myself again. My worth is not found in others. I am loved and cared for. Today I sang and I went to the gym dance class. It's a start.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
I'm annoyed at life again
Things I'm annoyed with...
My foot was bleeding because of my new boot, I always break my boots and have bad luck with boots.
I have cuts all over my hands because of eczema and random don't even know how I cut myself.
I got fatter. My ring doesn't fit anymore and my ring finger is an awkward shape because part of it is skinny and part of it is fat because of the ring.
I can't seem to ever be cheered up. I'm always looking tired and sad. If someone cheers me up, it's not for long.
My dad was asleep today so I couldn't see him. My mom was not understanding of my bipolar, again.
My computer is still making weird noises.
I hate wasting money.
I'm so annoyed I'm not even going to finish writing this post.
My foot was bleeding because of my new boot, I always break my boots and have bad luck with boots.
I have cuts all over my hands because of eczema and random don't even know how I cut myself.
I got fatter. My ring doesn't fit anymore and my ring finger is an awkward shape because part of it is skinny and part of it is fat because of the ring.
I can't seem to ever be cheered up. I'm always looking tired and sad. If someone cheers me up, it's not for long.
My dad was asleep today so I couldn't see him. My mom was not understanding of my bipolar, again.
My computer is still making weird noises.
I hate wasting money.
I'm so annoyed I'm not even going to finish writing this post.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
A night of remembering and tears
I haven't slept yet. (it's 7:42am right now)
Last night I started my "work of grief". For the first time after Alana's death, I told someone (Golda) how much I missed her, my memories of her, and cried it out. I told her my regret of not visiting her one more time before she died.
I also shared about my heartbreak with my first boyfriend, which I never fully got over because I kept filling the empty hole with a new guy and then a new guy and then a new guy.
I cried so much. I shared about my family, my relationship with my dad, my relationship with my mom. Mostly I was sad because my dad thinks I don't love him, and I don't feel much love from him either. I realized he has some mild form of OCD too, which makes me understand him more.
I thought about Chris, how lately I've been hiding my sadness away from him. I tried to be strong every time I went on Skype with him. I wanted him to be happy because he said when I'm happy then he's happy. But Golda said I shouldn't fake it. I need to show my true grief in order to get over it.
My life is so broken. I wish that I was fully healed but it's a process. I know God will use my weakness for His glory and His glory will end up making things great. I have learned a lot from my problems. I am growing.
Hopefully I don't snap today at my mom's birthday lunch. I'm really fragile when I have no sleep. If I can't take it anymore I will skip the reunion to see Ying. She would understand.
Last night I started my "work of grief". For the first time after Alana's death, I told someone (Golda) how much I missed her, my memories of her, and cried it out. I told her my regret of not visiting her one more time before she died.
I also shared about my heartbreak with my first boyfriend, which I never fully got over because I kept filling the empty hole with a new guy and then a new guy and then a new guy.
I cried so much. I shared about my family, my relationship with my dad, my relationship with my mom. Mostly I was sad because my dad thinks I don't love him, and I don't feel much love from him either. I realized he has some mild form of OCD too, which makes me understand him more.
I thought about Chris, how lately I've been hiding my sadness away from him. I tried to be strong every time I went on Skype with him. I wanted him to be happy because he said when I'm happy then he's happy. But Golda said I shouldn't fake it. I need to show my true grief in order to get over it.
My life is so broken. I wish that I was fully healed but it's a process. I know God will use my weakness for His glory and His glory will end up making things great. I have learned a lot from my problems. I am growing.
Hopefully I don't snap today at my mom's birthday lunch. I'm really fragile when I have no sleep. If I can't take it anymore I will skip the reunion to see Ying. She would understand.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Lessons Learned
Lessons learned for my relationship with Chris:
1) more one on one time and I shouldn't drag him into my friends problems
2) don't assume what other ppl say is true
3) realize we will not leave each other. Unless we talked about it in person. Dont assume things from text or Facebook
4) when we have an issue try not to talk about it on Facebook or text. Miscommunication happens.
5) if someone doesn't think we are right for each other. . Screw what they said and ignore it
6) try ur best to resolve the issue btw the two of us and only bring in a third person if that doesn't work . Otherwise bringing a third person complicates the matter
Lessons learned about my weaknesses:
1) I have a problem saying "no". I always want to please people.
2) I believe everything that almost everyone says. I have trouble forming my own opinion.
3) I am too self sacrificial. Helping others at the expense of my own happiness and not taking care of myself.
4) I take a lot of things personally. When someone says something, I take it to heart.
5) I'm afraid of breakup. I'm afraid of being considered selfish and a hypocrite. I'm afraid of not being useful or being useless. I'm afraid people I know will die or commit suicide.
6) I don't know how to budget. Money is totally abstract to me.
Goals I have for the near future:
1) Learn to take care of myself better by saying "no" to people I really can't help. Whether it is time constraint or emotional constraint.
2) Take everything people say with a grain of salt. Make up my own mind after praying and thinking over all the options. Don't be so gullible.
3) Make sure I do things that make myself happy too, not just others happy.
4) Tell myself that sometimes people say things out of anger or their own problems, not because of me or anything I did.
5) Don't be afraid. Trust God and trust in Chris. If people think I'm selfish, just remind myself I'm not. And everyone is a hypocrite in some way. No need to worry. Everyone will die, just make the best of each moment while I can.
7) Um... look at my bank account and stop giving free money away.
1) more one on one time and I shouldn't drag him into my friends problems
2) don't assume what other ppl say is true
3) realize we will not leave each other. Unless we talked about it in person. Dont assume things from text or Facebook
4) when we have an issue try not to talk about it on Facebook or text. Miscommunication happens.
5) if someone doesn't think we are right for each other. . Screw what they said and ignore it
6) try ur best to resolve the issue btw the two of us and only bring in a third person if that doesn't work . Otherwise bringing a third person complicates the matter
Lessons learned about my weaknesses:
1) I have a problem saying "no". I always want to please people.
2) I believe everything that almost everyone says. I have trouble forming my own opinion.
3) I am too self sacrificial. Helping others at the expense of my own happiness and not taking care of myself.
4) I take a lot of things personally. When someone says something, I take it to heart.
5) I'm afraid of breakup. I'm afraid of being considered selfish and a hypocrite. I'm afraid of not being useful or being useless. I'm afraid people I know will die or commit suicide.
6) I don't know how to budget. Money is totally abstract to me.
Goals I have for the near future:
1) Learn to take care of myself better by saying "no" to people I really can't help. Whether it is time constraint or emotional constraint.
2) Take everything people say with a grain of salt. Make up my own mind after praying and thinking over all the options. Don't be so gullible.
3) Make sure I do things that make myself happy too, not just others happy.
4) Tell myself that sometimes people say things out of anger or their own problems, not because of me or anything I did.
5) Don't be afraid. Trust God and trust in Chris. If people think I'm selfish, just remind myself I'm not. And everyone is a hypocrite in some way. No need to worry. Everyone will die, just make the best of each moment while I can.
7) Um... look at my bank account and stop giving free money away.
Monday, February 3, 2014
I have to let it out
This is a post to let out all my feelings, bad and good. I will start with the bad, hopefully by the end of it I will be happy again.
I hate being so emotional. I hate crying so easily.
I hate being so fragile. I hate having to take care of other people while I myself am hurting.
I hate having to worry about suicidal people.
I hate how I'm behind in school, even though I only have one course.
I hate how I haven't played piano, guitar, or violin for fun anymore.
I hate how when I sing I don't sing well anymore, because I didn't have the time or space to practice.
I hate how I haven't taken dance lessons in so long.
I hate where I am living right now. Lopsided bed, inconvenient washing machine and dryer, having to do the dishes at a certain time, and being so inconveniently far away from Food Basics.
I hate my computer, making weird noises, got wrecked by Golda's cousin, had to get it fixed for 50 dollars and it's still not completely fixed, what a waste.
I hate walking to school, takes 35 minutes every time.
I hate how all the crises came back to back.
I hate how my dad doesn't like me and chose to gave all the money to my sister.
I hate how I am a pastor yet I struggle with reading the Bible, I didn't even read the whole Bible yet.
I hate how I only get 2 Sundays off a year.
I hate how my psychiatrist was so far away and wasted my time.
I hate how I am short on money and people need my money.
I hate how Bryan died of suicide.
I hate how I missed my four friends' funerals.
I hate how I have to fake a smile and pretend to be happy just so that others don't worry.
I hate being pessimistic.
I hate living in some other family's house and seeing all the drama.
I don't belong here!!!!
I hate how I can't tell Golda everything I feel, otherwise she will feel like it's all her fault.
I hate it when Golda triggers me, bothers me, annoys me, tells me lectures, gets between me and Chris, makes me cry, makes me feel controlled.
I hate how Peggy and Selena give me friendship drama.
I hate how Christina doesn't agree with me being a pastor and wants to convince me to stop being a pastor.
I hate how Jack isn't getting any better.
I hate being so self sacrificial.
I hate how I feel like I can't tell Chris everything because then it will bring him down. Or make him sad or worry about me.
I hate how I don't hang out at Aaron's house anymore.
I hate when people tell me Chris is not the right one for me.
I hated it when Gloria brought Christos to the fellowship and then I quit being lifegroup leader.
I hate how I think about cutting myself.
I hate how I get so easily angry and sad whenever I visit my parents' house.
I hate how I always fall asleep in class. What a waste of money.
I want to run away.
I'm thankful I have God.
I'm thankful my best friends are still here.
I'm thankful I have a place to live.
I'm thankful I can help others.
I'm thankful I have Chris.
I'm thankful my dreams will get achieved.
I'm thankful I have my own CD, I have a wonderful job.
I'm thankful I am making a difference.
I'm thankful I have a family who cares for me.
I'm thankful I have music.
I'm thankful I can talk to my counselor and mentors and good friends.
I'm thankful I can exercise and go to the gym.
I'm thankful that I'm musical.
I'm thankful that Golda is here to support me.
I'm thankful that I got to know Bryan before he died.
I'm thankful I got to know Ade, Alana, and Mr. Kumar before they died.
I'm thankful I got to go to Montreal many times.
I'm thankful I can still speak French pretty well.
I'm thankful I have a computer at all.
I'm thankful I have many happy memories with Chris and Golda.
I'm thankful I have Selena.
I'm thankful I have Thuy.
I'm thankful I have Karl, Jen, and Aaron.
I'm thankful people care about me and say I'm inspiring.
I'm thankful I live in Canada.
I'm thankful I have enough to eat.
I'm thankful I know how to write.
I'm thankful that I will eventually get better from this damned bipolar disorder.
I'm thankful that I have a tattoo on my back.
I'm thankful I get the chance to go to school and still get good marks.
I'm thankful Jesus saved me.
I'm thankful that one day things will get better.
I'm thankful that Chris is a Christian and is a really great guy.
I'm thankful the snow is sparkly.
I'm thankful for Walter.
I'm thankful for everyone I meet, actually.
I'm thankful that Jack is being taken care of.
I'm thankful that God is watching over me.
I hate being so emotional. I hate crying so easily.
I hate being so fragile. I hate having to take care of other people while I myself am hurting.
I hate having to worry about suicidal people.
I hate how I'm behind in school, even though I only have one course.
I hate how I haven't played piano, guitar, or violin for fun anymore.
I hate how when I sing I don't sing well anymore, because I didn't have the time or space to practice.
I hate how I haven't taken dance lessons in so long.
I hate where I am living right now. Lopsided bed, inconvenient washing machine and dryer, having to do the dishes at a certain time, and being so inconveniently far away from Food Basics.
I hate my computer, making weird noises, got wrecked by Golda's cousin, had to get it fixed for 50 dollars and it's still not completely fixed, what a waste.
I hate walking to school, takes 35 minutes every time.
I hate how all the crises came back to back.
I hate how my dad doesn't like me and chose to gave all the money to my sister.
I hate how I am a pastor yet I struggle with reading the Bible, I didn't even read the whole Bible yet.
I hate how I only get 2 Sundays off a year.
I hate how my psychiatrist was so far away and wasted my time.
I hate how I am short on money and people need my money.
I hate how Bryan died of suicide.
I hate how I missed my four friends' funerals.
I hate how I have to fake a smile and pretend to be happy just so that others don't worry.
I hate being pessimistic.
I hate living in some other family's house and seeing all the drama.
I don't belong here!!!!
I hate how I can't tell Golda everything I feel, otherwise she will feel like it's all her fault.
I hate it when Golda triggers me, bothers me, annoys me, tells me lectures, gets between me and Chris, makes me cry, makes me feel controlled.
I hate how Peggy and Selena give me friendship drama.
I hate how Christina doesn't agree with me being a pastor and wants to convince me to stop being a pastor.
I hate how Jack isn't getting any better.
I hate being so self sacrificial.
I hate how I feel like I can't tell Chris everything because then it will bring him down. Or make him sad or worry about me.
I hate how I don't hang out at Aaron's house anymore.
I hate when people tell me Chris is not the right one for me.
I hated it when Gloria brought Christos to the fellowship and then I quit being lifegroup leader.
I hate how I think about cutting myself.
I hate how I get so easily angry and sad whenever I visit my parents' house.
I hate how I always fall asleep in class. What a waste of money.
I want to run away.
I'm thankful I have God.
I'm thankful my best friends are still here.
I'm thankful I have a place to live.
I'm thankful I can help others.
I'm thankful I have Chris.
I'm thankful my dreams will get achieved.
I'm thankful I have my own CD, I have a wonderful job.
I'm thankful I am making a difference.
I'm thankful I have a family who cares for me.
I'm thankful I have music.
I'm thankful I can talk to my counselor and mentors and good friends.
I'm thankful I can exercise and go to the gym.
I'm thankful that I'm musical.
I'm thankful that Golda is here to support me.
I'm thankful that I got to know Bryan before he died.
I'm thankful I got to know Ade, Alana, and Mr. Kumar before they died.
I'm thankful I got to go to Montreal many times.
I'm thankful I can still speak French pretty well.
I'm thankful I have a computer at all.
I'm thankful I have many happy memories with Chris and Golda.
I'm thankful I have Selena.
I'm thankful I have Thuy.
I'm thankful I have Karl, Jen, and Aaron.
I'm thankful people care about me and say I'm inspiring.
I'm thankful I live in Canada.
I'm thankful I have enough to eat.
I'm thankful I know how to write.
I'm thankful that I will eventually get better from this damned bipolar disorder.
I'm thankful that I have a tattoo on my back.
I'm thankful I get the chance to go to school and still get good marks.
I'm thankful Jesus saved me.
I'm thankful that one day things will get better.
I'm thankful that Chris is a Christian and is a really great guy.
I'm thankful the snow is sparkly.
I'm thankful for Walter.
I'm thankful for everyone I meet, actually.
I'm thankful that Jack is being taken care of.
I'm thankful that God is watching over me.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
On my own...All by Myself...
Don't worry, I am not super depressed right now. Those are two titles of songs which I will post underneath my writing of this blog post. Right now I am listening to music at 7:30am because I couldn't sleep well. I mean, yesterday was the worst bipolar rapid cycling symptoms I ever experienced and Golda saw it for the very first time and she was drained trying to take care of me. In fact I yelled at her twice because I was out of control. I told her sorry, I didn't mean to. But she understood just was draining for her.
What happened was recently I got triggered by Chris Ko going to New York and he was talking carelessly as if he wanted to break up with me or that I had too many issues or something. But now I am OK with him, we talked it out... however the hurtful words were like daggers to my heart.
also stupid Peggy was giving me lots of bullshit and not willing to pay me or Selena back our money. She kept on saying she is mad at me for calling her a bitch, I mean I know I shouldn't have called her a bitch but I did say I was sorry, that I was overreacting cuz first of all she said "I think you have attention seeking disorder and histrionic personality disorder" and she didn't even apologize for saying THAT. I told her straight up she needed to see a psychiatrist and that she was being a bitch. Too bad she didn't learn her lesson... she kept saying I'm a hypocrite, I'm scary, I'm a bad pastor. blablabla. So I blocked her off my phone and facebook. NO more Peggy for me!
Lately I realize I have been saying the f word and b word more, I mean, hanging around with friends who say that. I do realize I should not swear but sometimes I am just SO MAD!
Lately also I thought I was sort of feeling better because I started meeting up with more positive people like my professor at Tyndale who is teaching me the "how to be a pastor" course. He was so nice to me yesterday, even prayed for me after talking with me. He said I need to find a church denomination in the future that can support me as a woman pastor, and fit my beliefs. He said I have to plan ahead for my career that way. I have ideas already, I'm thinking joining the Baptist or Alliance churches in Montreal in a few years time so that I can be a supported woman pastor. Also Kevin Livingston (the prof's name, btw I just call him Kevin and he doesn't mind)... he said I should stop talking to Christina cuz she is IMMATURE. Cuz she kept on insisting a woman should not be a pastor and she was not willing to "agree to disagree"
THUY ShOUT OUT I MISS YOU! SoRRY I didn't meet up with you lately!!!! Is there a chance we can meet up soon? LOVE you
OK that was random shoutout , on to other things... school I am doing OK cuz it's only one course, I just have to work hard on it and finish the homework by Sunday night every week. In terms of gym I am trying to go twice a week and so far I am doing my best to stick to that.
Bible reading I am reading some inspiring stuff from a book called "Jesus calling". It has helped me be less anxious and trust in God. It helps me calm down also to listen to Christian music and do some singing. Too bad there is no where to dance!
I swear my house has something wrong. In the middle of the night I hear someone going up and down the stairs like a ghost. Seriously!
But God says don't be afraid. Christians make lots of mistakes too but that's what grace is all about. God gives us grace, meaning God gives us love when we don't deserve it. He died on the cross while we were still sinners. That's true sacrificial love.
Here are the two songs I was thinking of... don't depress yourself!
And this is a Christian song by Whitney Houston, my mom reminded me to listen to it...
What happened was recently I got triggered by Chris Ko going to New York and he was talking carelessly as if he wanted to break up with me or that I had too many issues or something. But now I am OK with him, we talked it out... however the hurtful words were like daggers to my heart.
also stupid Peggy was giving me lots of bullshit and not willing to pay me or Selena back our money. She kept on saying she is mad at me for calling her a bitch, I mean I know I shouldn't have called her a bitch but I did say I was sorry, that I was overreacting cuz first of all she said "I think you have attention seeking disorder and histrionic personality disorder" and she didn't even apologize for saying THAT. I told her straight up she needed to see a psychiatrist and that she was being a bitch. Too bad she didn't learn her lesson... she kept saying I'm a hypocrite, I'm scary, I'm a bad pastor. blablabla. So I blocked her off my phone and facebook. NO more Peggy for me!
Lately I realize I have been saying the f word and b word more, I mean, hanging around with friends who say that. I do realize I should not swear but sometimes I am just SO MAD!
Lately also I thought I was sort of feeling better because I started meeting up with more positive people like my professor at Tyndale who is teaching me the "how to be a pastor" course. He was so nice to me yesterday, even prayed for me after talking with me. He said I need to find a church denomination in the future that can support me as a woman pastor, and fit my beliefs. He said I have to plan ahead for my career that way. I have ideas already, I'm thinking joining the Baptist or Alliance churches in Montreal in a few years time so that I can be a supported woman pastor. Also Kevin Livingston (the prof's name, btw I just call him Kevin and he doesn't mind)... he said I should stop talking to Christina cuz she is IMMATURE. Cuz she kept on insisting a woman should not be a pastor and she was not willing to "agree to disagree"
THUY ShOUT OUT I MISS YOU! SoRRY I didn't meet up with you lately!!!! Is there a chance we can meet up soon? LOVE you
OK that was random shoutout , on to other things... school I am doing OK cuz it's only one course, I just have to work hard on it and finish the homework by Sunday night every week. In terms of gym I am trying to go twice a week and so far I am doing my best to stick to that.
Bible reading I am reading some inspiring stuff from a book called "Jesus calling". It has helped me be less anxious and trust in God. It helps me calm down also to listen to Christian music and do some singing. Too bad there is no where to dance!
I swear my house has something wrong. In the middle of the night I hear someone going up and down the stairs like a ghost. Seriously!
But God says don't be afraid. Christians make lots of mistakes too but that's what grace is all about. God gives us grace, meaning God gives us love when we don't deserve it. He died on the cross while we were still sinners. That's true sacrificial love.
Here are the two songs I was thinking of... don't depress yourself!
And this is a Christian song by Whitney Houston, my mom reminded me to listen to it...
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Dear God
Dear God,
I don't want to sleep right now because when I tried to sleep for some reason I thought back to what Chris said earlier today/yesterday, words that hurt so bad. You know the details... basically once again I'm afraid we will break up and that he is sick and tired of me and my issues.
If only I could just be happy forever, not have to worry about problems. These days it's just one problem after the other. I'm fed up and Chris is fed up. I'm tired of living in a foreign family (aka Golda's family) and I just want to go back to Anne's house. I was more peaceful there.
Taking care of myself is already a big burden, but I also have to take care of Golda and other friends and church youth. It's so much right now.
Earlier at the counselor appointment I cried so much and told her everything that happened over the past few months. I was very emotional today so when Chris said "we'll see" instead of "I want to be with you forever" I felt hurt. Also when he said we have too many issues... and also when he said he can't do anything to solve my problems, and also when he said all the other stuff in the text messages. I'm already fragile, I don't need more careless words being thrown at me.
Stupid Chris, Saturday night he was drunk he doesn't even remember anything he said to me, I wonder if he just wants me for the physical intimacy but I know that's not true.
But what if it was true? I'm afraid.
all I know is it hurts really bad, like so bad I never felt such pain since like 6 years ago. He doesn't understand my pain and he doesn't understand I can't control myself sometimes. I don't even want to talk about this anymore. I'm tired but can't sleep. Everytime I lay my head down I start crying. Life SUCKS RIGHT NOW! Maybe I should just break up with him and get it over with. Maybe he actually should go for another girl.
I don't want to sleep right now because when I tried to sleep for some reason I thought back to what Chris said earlier today/yesterday, words that hurt so bad. You know the details... basically once again I'm afraid we will break up and that he is sick and tired of me and my issues.
If only I could just be happy forever, not have to worry about problems. These days it's just one problem after the other. I'm fed up and Chris is fed up. I'm tired of living in a foreign family (aka Golda's family) and I just want to go back to Anne's house. I was more peaceful there.
Taking care of myself is already a big burden, but I also have to take care of Golda and other friends and church youth. It's so much right now.
Earlier at the counselor appointment I cried so much and told her everything that happened over the past few months. I was very emotional today so when Chris said "we'll see" instead of "I want to be with you forever" I felt hurt. Also when he said we have too many issues... and also when he said he can't do anything to solve my problems, and also when he said all the other stuff in the text messages. I'm already fragile, I don't need more careless words being thrown at me.
Stupid Chris, Saturday night he was drunk he doesn't even remember anything he said to me, I wonder if he just wants me for the physical intimacy but I know that's not true.
But what if it was true? I'm afraid.
all I know is it hurts really bad, like so bad I never felt such pain since like 6 years ago. He doesn't understand my pain and he doesn't understand I can't control myself sometimes. I don't even want to talk about this anymore. I'm tired but can't sleep. Everytime I lay my head down I start crying. Life SUCKS RIGHT NOW! Maybe I should just break up with him and get it over with. Maybe he actually should go for another girl.
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