Obsession, Longing, and Looking Forward...

I've become obsessed with this song. I sang it, I listened to it, at least 100 times by now (or nearing 100 times). I feel that it kind of describes how I feel about Adrian, in a way, even though not all the lyrics match the situation. But for sure, I still wish the best for Adrian.

I got a text from him this morning, actually. I had texted him first, asking him how he is, telling him that I am still thinking of him and praying for him. It's like an old chapter of my life is starting to close (the chapter with Adrian in it) and another chapter seems to be opening (Andrew).

Adrian gave me a vague idea about how his life is going, telling me that he's doing ok. That there are big changes ahead for him (what changes? I don't know), and that August will be a busy month for him. He also said that he still doesn't know how to talk to me (understandable)

Part of me wants to email him and update him on how I'm doing, what new things have been happening, tell him about how I'm going into Tyndale now and starting a new internship, stuff like that. I obviously wouldn't tell him about Andrew unless he was totally over me and won't ever think of being with me again though.

See, that's what's preventing me from emailing Adrian. I want him to completely get over me. If I email him, what's the use? It will just stir up old feelings when what he needs is to be healed.

Plus, I'm afraid for myself too. What if I start having feelings for Adrian again? I just started this "new journey" with Andrew and I'm like one week away from telling Andrew I love him. If I throw Adrian back into the mix, I'm going to be in a mess.

I've been trying to figure out what really went on between me and Adrian for a while now because I'm thinking what if Andrew asks me. Cuz what happened was that I started liking Andrew while I was still with Adrian. I met Andrew last year in June, and I broke up with Adrian in the following month,July.

Adrian told me over the phone after we broke up that he thinks that I never was in love with him, but that I just convinced myself that I was. Selena also said to me that I loved Adrian but I was not IN love with him. It was shown through how every time I went on missions or a trip away from Toronto, I never missed him, but he missed me like crazy.

When I first decided to go out with Adrian, I was longing for him because he had broken off our friendship. So maybe to save the friendship, I accepted to go out with him, convincing myself that I loved him more than a friend.

But then the question is, why did I sleep with him if I wasn't in love with him? Now that is digging into a deeper issue. Was it because of my lust? Was it because I wanted to please him? Probably both. And maybe I had convinced myself so much that I was in love with him that I decided it was okay.

But now back to Andrew. I don't know if he will think I am shallow or something, since while I was still with Adrian, I wasn't "loyal" to Adrian since i started liking Andrew before I broke up with him. You know, I did try to be loyal to Adrian, though. I kept on trying to push away my feelings for Andrew.

But after I broke up with Adrian, I became obsessed with Andrew. I also became just the kind of girl that throws herself at other guys. That's what happened with Sam, Caleb, Mike, and all the other guys I had a crush on after I broke up with Adrian.

But Andrew was the one that I always came back to. The one that I thought I had no hope of being with, so I kept on pushing the feelings away, the feelings that just ended up coming back anyways.

well, we'll see where this thing ends up I guess...

ONE MORE WEEK and I am going to tell Andrew!!!! (if all goes well!!!)

And here's a song that describes a bit of what I feel about Andrew...

Things Andrew looks for in a potential spouse

(not in any particular order)

-puts family as a priority
-is a nice person
-serves without having to be asked
-not clingy
-is goal-oriented, knows what she wants
-"there is probably more but I can't think of it right now"

Sigh!

Inspiring Quote

"I do not believe that one can earnestly seek and find the priceless treasure of God's call without a devout prayer life." "That is where God speaks.
The purpose of prayer and of God's call in your life is not to make you number one in the world's eyes, but to make him number one in your life."
We must be willing to be outshone while shining for God. "We hear very little about being smaller in our own self-estimate."

"There is no pattern without the cross. There is no Good News without it. That is what the gospel is all about."

— Ravi Zacharias

------------
And some reminders from my softball governing leader:

Leaders should be:

*
Humble ~ Daniel 2:30
*
Serving even at the expense of dignity ~ John 13:5
*
willing or desire to lighten the load of those being served/led ~ Matthew 11:27-29
*
Hard workers ~ I Timothy 5:17 —
*
Absent of arrogance ~ I Peter 5:3
*
SHOW HUMILITY ~ Matthew 18:1-4 and 20:20-28

Glad :)

Today I woke up early in the morning by myself with no alarm and spent time listening to Christian music and readiing the Bible. I felt really glad afterwards that I could focus. I think I will be getting close to God again. thanks God.

Dear God, draw me close to You

This is the third time I wrote on this blog today but I don't care.

I was crying really hard just now, because I feel far away from God. I miss God. I want to be close to Him again. I'm very sad and heartbroken. I feel like I like broke up with God or something. I was talking to Caleb on the phone about this. He understands what I mean.

Tomorrow is the last time I'm gonna see Caleb until he comes back from Hong Kong in late August. I feel like going up to him and crying and hugging him. That's what I feel like doing.

I feel like Andrew and I are not going to work out. I'm very heartbroken right now. I think I'm just gonna try to tell him I like him and just get it over with. There's never a "right time" anyways, if I keep dragging this on I'm just gonna wait until I die.

I feel so guilty, I don't even spend much time with God anymore. I feel like I'm starting to become empty inside.

Caleb told me that God still loves me. That made me cry even more because what kind of God is this that He would love me even though I'm not even obeying his commands. What a good God he is. So I cried even more.

I just want to be close to God again.

2nd attempt at writing something inspiring

Hey all,

So lately I've been doing pretty well. Health is hopefully okay, although I need to see the doctor and I need an ultrasound but my period stopped so at least it's not going nonstop.

Today I was supposed to go to Wonderland with Arabic church but not enough people could make it so we cancelled it and we're going to the park instead tonight. Hopefully that works out.

It's kind of sad that our trips haven't been working out, and sometimes I wonder if my hard work is going to waste, organizing trips that don't end up happening anyway. But then deep inside I know that nothing is going to waste. As long as you are serving the Lord, God sees and will reward you for what you have done.

I'm becoming more and more confident about the internship at church with the kids. At first I was scared and nervous, thinking I could not do it, but after reading some Bible passages, I felt encouraged because I know that God will be with me, and he will go before to prepare the way.

I think I will still have a lot of struggles but I have a lot of people who are supporting me and backing me up.

.....

Dear God,

I know this week I've mostly been asking for things from you, talking to you in a rush, and reading the Bible on the bus while on the go rather than taking special quiet time with you. Some say that it's better than nothing but for myself I feel that as a Christian leader I can do much better.

Although being on the TTC is a time where I'm focused or at least semi-focused on talking to you or reading the Bible, I don't think that I should rely on those times only because then what if one day I don't take the TTC.

Talking with you like a friend is so much better. I mean, you probably don't enjoy only people asking you for stuff. Not much of a positive relationship there.

God, please forgive me but I still do have one request. I need help planning for children's programs. I want it to be the best for the kids to learn about you and have fun. Thanks God. You are the best.

Martine

SIGH!

My guinea pig just ate part of a wire! It was the headset for my phone's wire. I was holding Fuzzy on my lap and I was looking at the computer, then he started chewing the wire without me noticing because the wire was in my pocket. UGH! Fifteen dollars gone and Fuzzy just ingested metal and plastic. I should have been more careful.

These days I've been horrible at saving money. Yesterday I just bought a bubble tea at STC for 5.59, so expensive. And I spent like 35 dollars on snacks for kids for the end-of-term party at my workplace.

Yes, I like to complain. But originally I wanted to come on this blog to talk about something else.

Now I forgot what I was gonna talk about. How uninspiring!