Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Kay Redfield Jamison quotes

"We all build internal sea walls to keep at bay the sadnesses of life and the often overwhelming forces within our minds. In whatever way we do this--through love, work, family, faith, friends, denial, alcohol, drugs, or medication, we build these walls, stone by stone, over a lifetime. "

"Love, like life, is much stranger and far more complicated than one is brought up to believe."

"Love has, at its best, made the inherent sadness of life bearable, and its beauty manifest."

"I look back over my shoulder and feel the presence of an intense young girl and then a volatile and disturbed young woman, both with high dreams and restless, romantic aspirations"

"I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness. If lithium were not available to me, or didn't work for me, the answer would be a simple no... and it would be an answer laced with terror. But lithium does work for me, and therefore I can afford to pose the question. Strangely enough, I think I would choose to have it. It's complicated... I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and have been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters... Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But normal or manic I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know."

-- Kay Redfield Jamison

---
For those of you who don't know, Kay Redfield Jamison is an author. She was a psychiatrist before, and then she got bipolar disorder. She wrote about it and all these quotes are from her book "An Unquiet Mind". There are more quotes and at times I think she expresses exactly what I go through or exactly what I need to hear/learn from my disorder.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Si j'étais Québécoise...

On m'a posé la question
quelle culture voudrais-tu avoir
si tu avais la choix?

J'ai répondu,
j'aimerais être Québécoise.
Mais pourquoi?

Pourquoi n'ai-je pas choisi
d'être Chinoise
d'avoir les cheveux noirs et raides
d'avoir des yeux d'amande
parler une langue très spéciale
écrire des mots qui ressemblent
à des oeuvres d'art?

Aimerais-je mieux avoir
la peau blanche
un nez plus grand
des cheveux bruns ou blonds?
Aimerais-je mieux manger
les petits pains au lieu du riz?

Non, c'est pas forcément cela.
Je pense que mes ancêtres ont beaucoup soufferts
Et moi aussi, je souffre
être dans un monde canadienne
et mon monde asiatique
en même temps
mélanger mes philosophies
devoir atteindre des buts plus hauts
et plus idéales

Je pense que je me sentais comme
un béluga à Beijing
un castor à Canton
ou bien
un panda à Montréal
un tigre à Chicoutimi

Tu vois, je suis prise entre plusieurs identités
Je veux choisir une
J'ai grandi avec le français à l'école
J'aime beaucoup la province de Québec
la culture
les gens
les mets (sauf ils n'ont pas le choi!)
les endroits

Mais pourquoi je pense à cela?
On peut pas changer notre destin
ni notre identité
Au Ciel, il n'y aura pas de différence
au moins que Dieu fait avec moi
ce qu'il désire faire

Car si j'étais Québécoise,
je n'aurais pas connu Jenny
ou bien Adrian
Jen
Sara
Heaven
Walter
May
Selena....
beaucoup beaucoup de gens.

Mais je ne peux pas arrêter d'y penser...
Si je pourrais...
Si...

Uashat -- an amazing learning experience...

(English translation follows after, scroll down if you want to skip the French!)

On a passé seulement 3 jours et 4 nuits dans la région de Uashat (réserve autochtone) et Sept-Iles (une ville près d'Uashat), mais j'ai beaucoup appris durant cette courte période de temps. Quand je pense à Uashat, il y a beaucoup d'histoires à raconter, beaucoup de visages qui apparaissent dans ma mémoire, beaucoup de sourires et des larmes aussi.

Ma vie est toujours une mission. C'est probablement la raison dont je suis workaholic, je veux toujours servir et j'ai toujours envie d'aider, d'évangeliser, de faire ce que je peux pour Son Royaume. Mais lorsque je rentrais chez moi avec ma valise, le soleil brillait et ma rue était calme... je savais aussi que Doret avait raison aussi, je j'avais besoin d'un sabbath. Je pense que je vais commencer par lire des livres chrétiens et la Bible chaque dimanche après le programme de louange pour enfants, au lieu de faire du magasinage ou n'importe quoi.

Plus tard, je vais écrire encore plus mais maintenant, je dois préparer pour le camp d'été de la semaine prochaine...
---
(translated by Google)

We spent only three days and four nights in the region Uashat (Indian Reservation) and Sept-Iles (a city near Uashat), but I learned a lot during this short period of time. When I think Uashat, there are many stories to tell, a lot of faces that appear in my memory, lots of smiles and tears too.

My life is always a mission. This is probably the reason I'm workaholic, I always want to serve and I always want to help, to evangelize, to do what I can for His kingdom. But when I returned home with my suitcase, the sun was shining and my street was quiet ... I also knew that Doret was right too, I felt I needed a Sabbath. I think I will start by reading Christian books and Bible every Sunday after worship program for children, instead of shopping or watever.

Later I'll write more but now I'm getting ready for summer camp next week ...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

No church :(

I miss church. I'm thinking of my friends at church, being in the presence of God, worshipping with other people, learning from the sermon. Today, I'm not going to have that. I was looking forward to going to church and even dressed up for it. Because the sign said 10am. But it turns out this week they are going on a church picnic in another part of town. Sigh.

Right now, I have a lot of time to kill. I wish I could put on music but Selena is sleeping. Maybe some soft hillsongs. :( I'm sad that I can't go to church. I can read the Bible by myself but I miss worshipping with others.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Life is a beach...

Dear friends,

sorry if I worried you a few posts ago, but these days I've been doing very well. I just arrived in PEI for what I want to think of as a "soul journey" with my dear friend and sister Selena. I am currently at the motel just waiting around for the day to begin. I'm quite the early riser. I already spent wayy too much time on facebook just now, trying to keep in touch but also killing time :P

Yesterday the taxi driver was super nice, he was like a friend and tour guide as well as a driver. He drove us to see the beach for no extra cost, and explained to us all the landmarks we passed. Our motel was freaky at first because there was hardly anyone, but we got everything figured out and watched Family Guy for a bit to calm our scares. Haha, yes, Family Guy, of all shows. I only paid attention a third of the time. The episode we watched seemed clean enough.

We saw the stars. WOW, it was awesome. We went to a clearing near the beach and we saw the Milky way and three shooting stars. Well, I think I only saw two but Selena saw three. She got an extra wish! Haha lucky girl. The first one we saw was BIG. But they are quick so we make our long wishes after they are gone. It took us a long long time before we saw the next one, so I was thinking that maybe God only gives one wish per day. HA!

but I was wrong. God is always there for us, and He looks after us even when we are in the darkest times. Or when we see baby foxes. That's right!!! We saw them! Selena smartly scared them away! We didn't dare get close, just in case.

This morning we're going to the beach. I hope I don't get bitten. That would suck. Then we're going to go visit Anne of Green Gables. Apparently, lots of Japanese girls come here, cuz it's a book in their curriculum. And they somehow think she is a real person sometimes, that's what the cab driver said. They talk as if she lives on this island, even though it's just a person with a hat-wig.

Anyway, I was thinking. I can describe life as a beach. Here goes...

---
Life is a Beach

Oceans roaring, seagulls flying
the smell of fresh salt in the big-blue air
The sand on my toes, wiggly coves
The breeze and flowers in my hair

You may think that life is a breeze
or that waves are crashing against you
life is a beach and you can see it
just the way you want it

You can look up to see the stars above
At night in the twinkling sky
You can be down and mope of the seaweed
entangled like yarn around your toes

The waves can be scary
or they can be majestic
It all depends on your outlook
The water can be shallow
or it can go deep
It's up to you if you want to follow

sometimes you want to just relax
sometimes you want to run
sometimes you want to spend time alone
or maybe you want a friend

A beach can be romantic
Or it can be deserted
It can be rocky
It can be rough

Do you notice the parallels
of your life with the seashore,
or do you pass this by
like a motorcycle
rushing,
to get to its next stop?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Roch Voisine-- Je L'ai Vu (I Saw Him)

I said I would translate this song for you... the lyrics are really powerful. Here is the French and English translation of the lyrics. If you didn't listen to the song, it was two posts ago. This song never fails to calm me and comfort me. I feel better listening to it after my sad times (especially after my previous post)... It makes you think...
----

Il n'est pas où un enfant pleure
Où la haine a cloué le coeur
Des hommes épris de vengeance
Je ne l'ai pas vu dans nos guerres
Quelquefois pas dans nos prières
N'implorant qu'un peu de chance
Je ne l'ai pas vu souvent
Dans une main tendue cherchant
A se mettre en lumière
Dans le flou qu'on tolère

Mais je l'ai vu là où des hommes à genoux
Demandent pardon et avouent
Ne pas croire en sa présence
Et je l'ai vu loin des villes, des cathédrales
Là où l'amour détruit le mal
Dans le miracle d'une naissance
Et je l'ai vu dans le silence

Il n'est pas où des hommes sourds
N'entendent plus rien à l'amour
Là où les mots sont ceux qui blessent
Je ne l'ai pas vu dans les étoiles
Mais dans l'homme le plus banal
Au détour d'une prouesse
Je ne l'ai pas vu vraiment
Dans nos yeux perdus, attendant
Un peu de vérité
Ni dans la peur d'aimer

Mais je l'ai vu là où des hommes à genoux
Demandent pardon et avouent
Ne pas croire en sa présence
Et je l'ai vu dans un regard, dans un geste
Dans le courage qu'il nous reste
Après des vies de souffrance
Et je l'ai vu dans le silence
Je l'ai vu dans le silence

S'il est vrai que nos vies sont entre ses mains
Dès que je pense à lui, je sens d'instinct
Un peu de sa force au fond de moi
Je n'attends rien de lui que je n'ai déjà
Qu'importe qu'on le prie
Et qu'on y croit ou pas
Tant diront qu'il n'existe pas

Mais je l'ai vu dans nos villes nos cathédrales
Là où les gens trouvent normal
D'effacer leur différence
Et je l'ai vu quand l'or de son souffle chaud
M'a montré un chemin plus beau
Comme une intime évidence
J'ai ressenti sa présence
Comme une intime évidence

---
He is not where the child cries
where hatred that has nailed hearts
of men taken by revenge.
I have not seen Him in our wars,
sometimes not in our prayers
that are imploring a little luck.
I have not seen Him often
in those extending a hand
looking to bring light on themselves,
in the blurred-up world that we tolerate.

But I've seen Him where men, on their knees,
ask forgiveness and confess,
that they don't believe in His presence.
And I've seen Him far from cities, from cathedrals
Where love destroys evil ,
In the miracle of birth,
And I saw him in the silence

He is not where deaf people
hear nothing about love,
Where words spoken are those that hurt.
I did not see Him in the stars
But in the most ordinary man
At the turn of a feat.
I have not really seen Him
in our eyes, lost and waiting
For a little truth,
Neither have I seen Him in the fear of love

But I've seen Him where men are on their knees
Asking forgiveness and confessing
That they do not believe in His presence
And I've seen Him in a gaze, in a gesture
In the courage that remains in us
After lives of suffering.
And I saw Him in the silence
As I saw Him in the silence

If it's true that our lives are in His hands,
When I think of Him, I feel instinctively
A bit of His strength inside me
I expect nothing from him that I don't have already
Whether we pray to Him or not
And whether we believe in Him or not
If He exists...

But I have seen Him in our cities, our cathedrals
Where people consider it normal
to erase their differences.
And I saw Him when the gold of His warm breath
Showed me a better way
Like an intimate evidence
I felt His presence
As an intimate evidence
I had the chance to visit Grandma today. Why didn't I go? Either way, I'll always be sad about this issue. I woke up this morning thinking I would visit Grandpa. But that I would use the morning to plan PEI stuff before my mom told me what I could do. I guess I just didn't expect my mom to say the best thing I could do is to come to Popo's immediately! I didn't eat breakfast, I didn't finish planning, I felt so much pressure. I wish there was more time, because if I could have done PEI stuff earlier and thought of the problems earlier, I wouldn't have this problem.

I feel this pressure because I also have to finish the camp planning by tomorrow, and I don't want to delay the planning. I asked my mom if my grandparents think I don't honour them. She said no, and that I could do my own thing today and visit them tomorrow. I still feel guilty.

I feel guilty because I wasn't there for Grandpa when everyone else was, and I wasn't there for him when he was going through the surgery. And I could have helped by staying with Popo today but I didn't because of that initial shock of "coming immediately". I am never comfortable with doing something that I didn't plan. Sudden change of plans don't sit well with me. I know, this is a bad characteristic in me, because it means that if someone really needed me, I sometimes don't want to do it.

I mean, if I saw someone dying on the street, I would try to help, emergencies like that I'm okay with. But planning for a day. Sitting at Popo's not knowing what to do or say without anyone else there, and I'd be worrying about how I will finish the camp stuff and PEI packing/kinks. I don't know! I just don't want to deal with anything. I just want to feel better. I know, it's selfish. And the thought of it being selfish actually makes me feel sad anyway. So either way, I end up sad.

I just don't feel like eating anymore. I feel so guilty and sad. Yesterday when I talked with Amy and Derek I felt better but with what happened again this morning, I feel really bad. I actually wondered if I should bring my laptop to Popo's and do planning. But Mom said it was only for the morning. But that would mean by the time I got there, they wouldn't need me anymore and I wasted time on the bus. Because I take time to get dressed and get my hair ready. It's not selfish, it's called looking respectable for Popo, even though she might not see.

I don't know! I probably don't make much sense to you and I bet the troll would say something about that, and seriously I don't care what he says, I will just delete him, I've been so nice to him but he doesn't care either.

Mom is also upset that I spent time with Adrian. How could I have not seen that coming? Dammit, love is so blind. romantic love I mean. Not God's Love. I sometimes wish I would stop being so blind and be my proper self. My rational self. I wish that visiting Grandparents was just as easy as volunteering at Yee Hong/Providence (yeah why is it so much easier there? I don't get it!), and I wish that there wasn't such a thing as expectations.

I wish my past hurt was wiped away, all the things that Dad said about me in front of my grandparents, all the things that Dad said about me in front of me, all the things that Mui said and all the things that Mom said. I wish I could start fresh.

I don't feel comfortable going on the PEI trip right now because I don't know if I'll even be happy. If only I could just bring my grandparents there and they wouldn't have health problems, that would be great. If only I could be a better communicator to my parents, and if only they would understand me better. And then they would understand that I'm going on the missions trip to help and not escape. And again I hate what Timmy said. He thought I was going to escape last year.

I don't know what I'd do if I found out the stuff didn't work.

I'm not an angel, guys. I'm a human. That angel whispering to me is God's angel, and I'm just a human, okay?

Today is not a good day. It is cloudy, windy, and rainy. If I went out today, maybe I would have never come back. I don't know. I don't function well with cloudy days, especially when the rain mixes with my tears. It's like, a sad combination. I don't know if I can go on my trips without feeling guilty. I don't know if I can do anything anymore without worrying or feeling guilty. This is not a sabbatical anymore...