How am I doing today? I guess kind of OK.
Last Saturday night I went with Phila to her church, for a worship night. It was great! It was Stream of Praise, the mandarin speaking band from Taiwan that I listened to with my mom when I was a kid.
One of the ladies shared a testimony. She said "Who wants a second chance with God tonight?" And I stood up and raised my hand. Many people stood up and raised their hands. Tears came from my eyes and I felt restored at that moment.
Right now I am probably not 100% healed but I feel fine when I mention the past. So I guess I am on the right track.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Nap dream
I just woke up from a nap in sweat and I had a very vivid dream. I haven't had this vivid of a dream since a long time ago. I wonder if it has any deeper meaning.
I don't remember the whole dream but I remember I was on my way to school (UTSC) and I was supposed to hang out with Golda at 12:15. On the way to school I took a detour and went to Grant's house. In my dreaming mind, I was afraid that I would be reckless and go into his bedroom and do something sexual with him. But in the reality of the dream, somehow Grant came out of his house and saw me. I dropped some of my stuff somehow from my backpack and had to pick them up. And Grant said something about some people in his life that were the manifest of Satan and asked me whether I gave his bicycle to someone, and I said I gave it to Butterfly (whoever the heck that is but even though I love butterflies I knew that Grant thought they were evil). Then Golda calls and I panic because it's past the time that I was supposed to meet her to hang out. Then IN REAL LIFE Phila calls and I wake up.
I don't remember the whole dream but I remember I was on my way to school (UTSC) and I was supposed to hang out with Golda at 12:15. On the way to school I took a detour and went to Grant's house. In my dreaming mind, I was afraid that I would be reckless and go into his bedroom and do something sexual with him. But in the reality of the dream, somehow Grant came out of his house and saw me. I dropped some of my stuff somehow from my backpack and had to pick them up. And Grant said something about some people in his life that were the manifest of Satan and asked me whether I gave his bicycle to someone, and I said I gave it to Butterfly (whoever the heck that is but even though I love butterflies I knew that Grant thought they were evil). Then Golda calls and I panic because it's past the time that I was supposed to meet her to hang out. Then IN REAL LIFE Phila calls and I wake up.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
I Am Not Alone
What a week. First of all, I didn't update you guys about Grant did I? Grant is the latest guy in my life. I am not dating him but we were more than friends for sure. He is 48 years old, and the only reason why that doesn't freak me out is that my mentor Angela married Willy who is 25 years older than her. I won't go into too much detail but basically Grant is a weak Christian who has been through a lot, but he does have a good heart.
This time around I didn't jump into the relationship. Nick warned me and I warned myself. But this week was an emotional up and down. Why? Because first of all I liked Grant and liked the attention he gave me, and I cared for him more than a friend. I held his hands through prayer to help him forgive his past. And I gave him a big hug. Too big. Well... it was too long.
That was Monday. And when I got home, later on I read my old journal from grade 9 and 10. And started crying my eyes out at the part where I talked about Jeff and the breakup aftermath. I saw how much I loved him. I guess I was never over it because he never told me he forgave me.
But because of that I am quite certain that I am not ready for a relationship with Grant or anybody. And Grant has his own troubles he needs to sort out. Grant was kind of pressuring me for an answer. But I have thought about it and I plan to tell him that we are both not ready and don't wait on a person... wait on God.
Today I was doing well just that I felt drained emotionally from counseling so many people. And not enough sleep. But one thing I did accomplish. I cried my last tears for Christos and have decided to never text him ever again. Not because I don't care for him but I really need healing and need time for myself to recuperate and again wait on God.
I am not alone. I have God. I just talked to Emilie from Montreal and she says maybe God can give me peace about being single. Being single means I can travel and do God's work without a guy dragging me down or holding me back.
I also thought about how I am a Pastor. No one really calls me Pastor Martine but now I'm thinking if people called me that, then I would be reminded of my role and in the Bible it says I should be "blameless and without reproach". I mean basically that means I need to be a great example and so far my personal life and boy adventures have proved otherwise. So better grow up and become an actual pastor rather than an emotional teenager.
I've been listening to Christian music and spending time with God in His Word. I feel fine overall, I guess the crying helps because then I let it all out. Kari Jobe helps a lot to calm me down. Nature and sunshine kind of helps too. And sitting at Mcdonalds.
God is good. He is my Healer. I will overcome.
This time around I didn't jump into the relationship. Nick warned me and I warned myself. But this week was an emotional up and down. Why? Because first of all I liked Grant and liked the attention he gave me, and I cared for him more than a friend. I held his hands through prayer to help him forgive his past. And I gave him a big hug. Too big. Well... it was too long.
That was Monday. And when I got home, later on I read my old journal from grade 9 and 10. And started crying my eyes out at the part where I talked about Jeff and the breakup aftermath. I saw how much I loved him. I guess I was never over it because he never told me he forgave me.
But because of that I am quite certain that I am not ready for a relationship with Grant or anybody. And Grant has his own troubles he needs to sort out. Grant was kind of pressuring me for an answer. But I have thought about it and I plan to tell him that we are both not ready and don't wait on a person... wait on God.
Today I was doing well just that I felt drained emotionally from counseling so many people. And not enough sleep. But one thing I did accomplish. I cried my last tears for Christos and have decided to never text him ever again. Not because I don't care for him but I really need healing and need time for myself to recuperate and again wait on God.
I am not alone. I have God. I just talked to Emilie from Montreal and she says maybe God can give me peace about being single. Being single means I can travel and do God's work without a guy dragging me down or holding me back.
I also thought about how I am a Pastor. No one really calls me Pastor Martine but now I'm thinking if people called me that, then I would be reminded of my role and in the Bible it says I should be "blameless and without reproach". I mean basically that means I need to be a great example and so far my personal life and boy adventures have proved otherwise. So better grow up and become an actual pastor rather than an emotional teenager.
I've been listening to Christian music and spending time with God in His Word. I feel fine overall, I guess the crying helps because then I let it all out. Kari Jobe helps a lot to calm me down. Nature and sunshine kind of helps too. And sitting at Mcdonalds.
God is good. He is my Healer. I will overcome.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Yearning
Today I am really yearning.
Yearning for Montreal. I kind of want to be there right now. Just the atmosphere of Mont Royal, the people, wanting to just start my own full-time ministry. But here I am studying for another two and half years.
I am really yearning for God. This week I spent some time with Cymone, my new spiritual director. She helped me figure out creative ways to connect with God, such as singing prayers. She also helped me figure out I like to interact with God in tangible, hands on ways, such as taking a walk, doing art, music, and dancing.
I am really yearning to know who will be my future husband. In order for both my parents, God, and myself to be satisfied, this person will most likely be a trilingual Chinese person living in Montreal, I'll probably meet him while doing missions at a Montreal church, and he will hopefully like to play guitar, sing, and dance.
I know I'm in a Christian seminary school, learning to become a pastor, but I just really don't feel like doing the readings. I'm more of a hands on person and these books are really overload. I know I can get smarter by reading these books but I really just wish I could just attend lectures and do assignments without reading books.
And part of me just wants to be done. I've been in school for so long and everyone is asking me when will I be done. Everyone!
I know God probably wants me to stay in Toronto for another 3 years, but that seems really long right now. I just really want to achieve my dreams.
Yearning for Montreal. I kind of want to be there right now. Just the atmosphere of Mont Royal, the people, wanting to just start my own full-time ministry. But here I am studying for another two and half years.
I am really yearning for God. This week I spent some time with Cymone, my new spiritual director. She helped me figure out creative ways to connect with God, such as singing prayers. She also helped me figure out I like to interact with God in tangible, hands on ways, such as taking a walk, doing art, music, and dancing.
I am really yearning to know who will be my future husband. In order for both my parents, God, and myself to be satisfied, this person will most likely be a trilingual Chinese person living in Montreal, I'll probably meet him while doing missions at a Montreal church, and he will hopefully like to play guitar, sing, and dance.
I know I'm in a Christian seminary school, learning to become a pastor, but I just really don't feel like doing the readings. I'm more of a hands on person and these books are really overload. I know I can get smarter by reading these books but I really just wish I could just attend lectures and do assignments without reading books.
And part of me just wants to be done. I've been in school for so long and everyone is asking me when will I be done. Everyone!
I know God probably wants me to stay in Toronto for another 3 years, but that seems really long right now. I just really want to achieve my dreams.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Finding comfort in Jesus
These are Jesus's words....
(MAT 5:3-12 MSG)
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope.
With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you.
Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
“You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less.
That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.
“You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God.
He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.
“You’re blessed when you care.
At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.
“You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right.
Then you can see God in the outside world.
“You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight.
That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.
“You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution.
The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.
“Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me.
What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable.
You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do!
And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company.
My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.
------------------
Even though it is nice to find comfort in friends, friends don't always understand you (actually most of the time they don't even know how to listen or what to say). But Jesus does. I love Jesus. I talk to Jesus like my best friend usually all throughout the day and especially at night. I'm not saying this to sound like a proud Christian. I am saying this because I have learned to enjoy life and feel comforted from my problems because of Jesus. I hope one day you will experience His comfort in some way too.
------------------
Quote of the day:Robin Williams' monologue from the movie Jack (beautiful!): "I don't have very much time these days so I'll make it quick. Like my life. You know, as we come to the end of this phase of our life, we find ourselves trying to remember the good times and trying to forget the bad times, and we find ourselves thinking about the future. We start to worry , thinking, "What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna be in ten years?" But I say to you, "Hey, look at me!" Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular. I know I did." Robin Williams as Jack
------------------
Jesus, you're my nightingale...
(MAT 5:3-12 MSG)
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope.
With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you.
Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
“You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less.
That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.
“You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God.
He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.
“You’re blessed when you care.
At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.
“You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right.
Then you can see God in the outside world.
“You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight.
That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.
“You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution.
The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.
“Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me.
What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable.
You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do!
And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company.
My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.
------------------
Even though it is nice to find comfort in friends, friends don't always understand you (actually most of the time they don't even know how to listen or what to say). But Jesus does. I love Jesus. I talk to Jesus like my best friend usually all throughout the day and especially at night. I'm not saying this to sound like a proud Christian. I am saying this because I have learned to enjoy life and feel comforted from my problems because of Jesus. I hope one day you will experience His comfort in some way too.
------------------
Quote of the day:Robin Williams' monologue from the movie Jack (beautiful!): "I don't have very much time these days so I'll make it quick. Like my life. You know, as we come to the end of this phase of our life, we find ourselves trying to remember the good times and trying to forget the bad times, and we find ourselves thinking about the future. We start to worry , thinking, "What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna be in ten years?" But I say to you, "Hey, look at me!" Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular. I know I did." Robin Williams as Jack
------------------
Jesus, you're my nightingale...
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Encouraging day
"In the busyness of spiritual leadership and church activity, keep me,
Lord, from boredom or burn-out. Help me to stay personally fresh in my
enthusiasm for You, so that in turn I can pass that genuine enthusiasm
on to the people with whom I minister. Amen."
-A. W. Tozer ---------------------------------- Sometimes, in order to feel better about life, I bury myself in work. Other times, I bury myself in music or sleep. Usually eventually I turn back to God and realize I just need Him. Cuz work can end up to be draining, and I end up not taking care of myself. On the other hand, sleeping too much is sort of taking care of myself but not really cuz I could be doing something more productive. In the end, I just need to take life slower than the fast pace that Torontonians usually take it, enjoy the scenery and laugh more, not care about what other people think or feel so sorry for myself of stuff I am missing. Today seeing my aunt and uncle helped because they are big jokers. We went to the Panorama lounge with my grandpa, mom, and sister, and we took some pictures and ate some super expensive food. But by the end I was laughing and smiling again and I felt hopeful again instead of ashamed of being myself. Thanks God for an encouraging day. |
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Feeling better
After hiding out in my bed for so long, today I finally did some productive work, and felt better. Thank God I'm not depressed anymore! I better not be depressed for at least the rest of the summer!
I also met up with a friend which helped me too. And me and my mom are planning a trip to Montreal together. Finally some kind of vacation!
Life isn't so bad after all. :)
I also met up with a friend which helped me too. And me and my mom are planning a trip to Montreal together. Finally some kind of vacation!
Life isn't so bad after all. :)
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