Feeling better

After hiding out in my bed for so long, today I finally did some productive work, and felt better.  Thank God I'm not depressed anymore!  I better not be depressed for at least the rest of the summer!

I also met up with a friend which helped me too.  And me and my mom are planning a trip to Montreal together.  Finally some kind of vacation!

Life isn't so bad after all. :)

Slowly retreating within myself/Letter to God

Today I found out Ying and Aaron got engaged. 

Last Saturday I went to Agnes' bridal shower. 

Jen and Mathias got engaged recently too. 

One of my friends is in jail. 

I don't know how to describe how I feel about these things, but I can tell you how I've been acting lately.  I've been staying in bed longer, watching endless youtube videos, not wanting to do anything anymore, when I hang out with friends I try to force a smile, not wanting to ruin their mood.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I lie and say I'm not doing too bad.  I lost hope in many of my passions and goals.  I just want to avoid life and not think about the future.

I hate to be a downer but these days it seems I'm often thinking the negative.  My friends tell me it's OK to be single... I guess I don't really believe them.

I feel selfish.  I should be happy for others right?  I shouldn't just think about the negative right?  I should be using this time to do what makes me happy, serve the community, help others right?  I just lost that desire.

I'm scared to tell others but once again I thought of cutting my arm.  I'm not going to do it, but if I'm thinking about it, there must be something really wrong with me.  A lot of suppressed emotion, a cry in my heart that I find hard to express for fear that others will be worried for me, not wanting others to be sad for me.  I need a major vacation, I guess.

Last Saturday after Agnes' bridal shower, I texted Chris and you know what, I guess I missed him.  He was the closest thing I had to a future husband, I mean he met my grandpa and I met his parents.  He was husband material.  But I know I need to let him go.

I guess I never recovered from all the broken relationships.  I never recovered from my teenagers making me cry.  I never recovered from anything.  It's all still stuck in my heart.  Why aren't I strong enough?

I haven't even really talked to God about it.  Usually by now I would have had a heartfelt prayer, down on my knees, crying to God, or wrote to God in my blog.  This time it's weird, it's like I don't want to talk to God anymore.  Reading the Bible is so hard, my brain is thinking ten million things while I try to read the Bible.

But I guess I should try right?  I mean, God is the only one who will understand.  And it would let all my emotions out.  OK let me try....
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Dear God,

Thanks for patiently waiting for me to call on You.  You know I haven't really read your Word lately and I feel pretty bad about it, but I know You will forgive me.  Thanks for being compassionate towards me.

I just can't help but feel lonely lately.  I know You're there for me, but somehow I stubbornly think that's not enough.  I wish I was either happily single or in a relationship but I know what you would say.  You would probably gently remind me that whenever I was in a relationship, I was crazier.  My moods would be even worse than they are now.

It's so hard to look to You and gaze upon Your beautiful face when I'm looking around me and seeing what's missing in my life.  I want attention from others but when I receive it I pretend everything's OK cuz I don't want them to worry, I want them to be happy.

Please heal the pain and emptiness that's inside my heart.  Please help me to stop thinking of cutting myself or retreat pathetically into my bed and drown myself with youtube videos.  There is so much at stake in this world.  This world is crying out for our attention but I'm selfishly thinking about myself.  I always put off tasks now, events I wanted to organize have been put to the back burner.

I want to do so much for the church and for You but at the same time I can't even deal with myself right now.  Why is my bipolar so annoying?  Like why can't it go away?

Someday my Prince will come

No, I'm not obsessed about boys anymore, even though I met up with Harold today at Milliken Park and we had a really good chat.  I'm talking about the Prince of Peace, Jesus.  Today before Harold arrived, I went around the park by myself and even danced while listening to music under a willow tree.

It was really refreshing to see the ducks, hear the water from the pond's fountain, and not feel the need to work or check my phone constantly.  I know God was with me at the park, I felt a joy and peace.

Last night an incident happened and I was very anxious, sad, and hyperventilating.  But I'm OK now, thank God.  I never felt so ganged up before and I was hyperventilating all the way from Scarborough town centre, in the car ride home, and even when I got to my bedroom I was hyperventilating.

Thank God that certain people were there for me and I ended up calming down.

Right now my eyes are tired so I think I'm going to eat a snack and rest, then go to Arabic church.  May God give me strength and energy!

Hello once again!

I know I know it's been forever since I last posted... thanks for being patient with me.  I was going through some struggles and I felt too self-conscious and ashamed and confused to write anything here.  But I am happy to say that I think my life is getting back on track after a serious time of mania and depression.

My memory is a bit blurred but what I do remember is going downtown with Selena, crying a lot then drinking tons and tons of sangria and "sex on the beach" (yes those are the names of the drinks) nonstop.  I didn't feel tipsy or drunk, I just went more and more hyper and didn't sleep all night, going into manic mode.

As I got into manic mode, I felt more and more inspired by the Bible and everything around me.  I went on facebook nonstop, didn't care about what anyone else thought, just wanted to be my confident and crazy self.  I took random pictures and posted them, I also posted something on Chris Ko's wall which started up a whole fiasco.

Basically it was because I got inspired by the story of the pearl, in the Bible.  The story of the pearl goes like this... there was a man who found a pearl in a neighbor's field.  He decided to sell everything he had to buy that field so that he could get the pearl.  This is supposed to represent how in the Kingdom of God, people who found Jesus they leave behind everything and give up everything to receive Jesus and it is like a big spiritual jackpot for them cuz it's heavenly riches. :)

So I was so inspired by this story that I decided to post on Chris Ko's wall, saying "I hit the spiritual jackpot!"

His friend Giancarlo, whom I have never met, commented afterwards, saying "Where do you get these spiritual riches?"  So friendly and overly hyper as I was, I started talking to Giancarlo the whole day long in metaphorical language explaining the gospel and explaining how Giancarlo should come with me and Chris Ko to the park on Victoria Day, instead of doing drugs (turns out he doesn't do drugs but he sure sounded like he did when I talked to him on facebook... maybe he was joking a lot but he kept on mentioning how he wanted to smoke weed).

Anyways, Chris Ko apparently got word that I was talking to Giancarlo and even Giancarlo's girlfriend found out... evidently because Giancarlo took photos screenshots of me and Giancarlo's conversations and told them!

Well Chris Ko gets overly concerned saying I'm being weird and making him lose his friends.  I freak out and yell at Chris over text because he wouldn't call me to get my point of view.  In the end, he didn't come to the park with us on Victoria Day and neither did Giancarlo.  Now I know never ever to talk to Chris's friends.

Another thing that happened was that I was manic at church on Sunday , the Sunday right before Victoria Day.  To keep it brief, I basically made an announcement about outreach on stage and two people, good church friends, noticed I was saying the announcement kind of weird because I was manic.

After all the mania had subsided, I became depressed because I felt ashamed that I made the announcement at church while being manic.  I told myself that everyone was judging me (even though it's not true), I told myself I was a failure, I told myself I never finish what I start and probably was more of a burden than anything else, blamed myself for everything.

Later on I was also depressed about Chris, how he probably doesn't love me anymore and all that crap.  I spent a lot of time sleeping, not wanting to do anything.

Finally last Friday I took a break off of church work and just attended a fellowship where I didn't need to be the leader. I felt I needed that break.  I also went to an encouraging memorial service for my church uncle Wai Yin, who passed away of cancer, the following day (Saturday).  His life story was so encouraging that I didn't even cry at his memorial, although I cried when I first realized he died.

I spent more time sleeping and the next day (sunday) I went to both churches (Grace and Charis), and thank God I finally cheered up .  The sunny weather helped too.

Now I'm back to normal, praise the Lord.  I am no longer manic nor depressed, best thing ever.  I am taking steps to take care of myself, such as going to hip hop dance class, talking to Tyndale sisters, and doing dumb things like going on Youtube but at least it's not like I'm workaholic!  Today I got a free hair trim too so yippee!

well, that was a long post.  Thanks for reading.  :)  Hopefully this good and neutral mood lasts longer and I don't go messed up again anytime soon!

Thankful for time with family

Today, I spent time with my family plus my grandma.  It was a good time eating dim sum and doing a bit of chinese shopping.  It was interesting seeing three ginseng stores in the same area of the same mall compete against each other in business by trying to convince my grandma to buy more and more herbs or chinese medicinal ingredients at low prices.  Wow.

I was a bit emotional because last night I didn't sleep but I texted Chris and he listened, and my sister also cheered me up by telling me random things.  When I got home I spent time watching another movie, this one about marriage and weddings (the main character was a wedding planner) but for some reason I wasn't sad I was just happy to watch the movie.

I signed up for a Hip hop dance class downtown (finally!) and it was only 22 dollars on Groupon for 16 classes! Amazing! I'm excited to get back into dancing.  Must exercise more!  Tomorrow I plan on going to the gym for the Body Pump class to pump some iron.

Overall it was a good time with family, a rare time.  Thanks God for the wonderful day. :)

Hilarious movie called "Just Friends"

I found this hilarious movie while thinking about me and Chris being "just friends".  Basically I was thinking about how I could get advice or insight on me and him being "just friends", so I searched "just friends" in the Youtube search box... guess what, as fate would have it, or maybe God just has a sense of humor, the first thing that popped up was this movie "Just Friends" (2005)!

I watched the whole thing and I encourage you all to watch it, it's hilarious and it's basically about a guy named Chris who wants to stop being "just friends" with his best girl friend from high school.  Funny enough, just like Chris Ko, the Chris in this movie also drives a nice car, plays ice hockey, and goes to church to try to get his girl back (although Chris Ko did not do it in the exact same way that Chris in the movie did).  If this movie is not a sign from God, that's OK cuz I got a really good laugh out of it.  :P hahaha  all my stress is gone now!  YES WATCH THIS MOVIE GUYS

So much has happened... time for reflection and update!

Hello dear friends,

I haven't really updated and there was so much going on in the past three weeks.  All you need to know is briefly:  Golda and I are still friends, just more distant in terms of my boundaries cuz I can't trust her with any personal information anymore... Chris and I are friends but we are hoping to date again in the future if it's God's plan and timing... School ended and I think I did well on my last essay, hopefully... I am trying to be healthier now, still kind of unmotivated sometimes and sleeping too much but overall healthier mentally and physically.

Over the past four months at Golda's house, I guess I did a lot of negative learning.  What I mean by negative learning is that I had to learn things the hard way.  I saw how Golda treated me and I had to learn to set boundaries so I wouldn't be abused, and I saw how Golda treated her parents and I felt sorry for the way I treated my parents.  Seeing my counselor every week helped and in the end, Golda only changed for the better a little bit, spiritually, but she is still not mentally well and it should not be my responsibility, she should take charge and really seek a professional counselor.

Speaking of my counselor, Karen, she has taught me so much.  I am still working on it but I have become more assertive, much less suicidal, more confident, and overall more stable because of her.  I learned to grieve out and talk out all my feelings, and to the right people.  I learned to take care of myself better (but still learning to love myself, it's hard).

Why do I find it hard to love myself? I guess I grew up with the wrong idea that I had to put everybody else first.  I thought it was most important to make others happy, but then again I did it so selflessly that I ended up being so sad myself, using all my time to serve others and no time to do things I liked.

Soon enough, my life revolved around other people.  I wouldn't have a reason to live if it weren't for making others happy or helping people find God.  But that is wrong, because even if I was paralyzed and couldn't talk, God still loves me and I can live on because God loves me.  However, even though I knew that as a concept, practically I thought I was useless unless I do something productive with my life, leading me to being workaholic.

Being workaholic goes hand in hand with burnout and later on trying to avoid work.  So in the end, if God is not my motivator and if I do not dwell in God's love and truth, I will have a warped view of my life and live for the wrong reasons and become emotionally unwell.

I saw this on facebook today and just wanted to share:

Attacks from the enemy reveals that he fully believes you are capable of obtaining your goal. They would not waste their ammunition, time, finances and effort if they thought your dreams or goals were impossible. "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" (phil 4:13). Angels are continuously ready to minister to you at the conclusion of a crisis. so don't give up! If your enemy believes in your future, so should you!!


This quote applies to me because this week, especially today, I felt the enemy attacking in different ways.  But God is good, He pulled me back up and helped me have motivation to rise again from the darkness. :)

I'll leave it there for now.  Thanks for reading. :) and for all your support.