I found this hilarious movie while thinking about me and Chris being "just friends". Basically I was thinking about how I could get advice or insight on me and him being "just friends", so I searched "just friends" in the Youtube search box... guess what, as fate would have it, or maybe God just has a sense of humor, the first thing that popped up was this movie "Just Friends" (2005)!
I watched the whole thing and I encourage you all to watch it, it's hilarious and it's basically about a guy named Chris who wants to stop being "just friends" with his best girl friend from high school. Funny enough, just like Chris Ko, the Chris in this movie also drives a nice car, plays ice hockey, and goes to church to try to get his girl back (although Chris Ko did not do it in the exact same way that Chris in the movie did). If this movie is not a sign from God, that's OK cuz I got a really good laugh out of it. :P hahaha all my stress is gone now! YES WATCH THIS MOVIE GUYS
Monday, May 12, 2014
Friday, May 9, 2014
So much has happened... time for reflection and update!
Hello dear friends,
I haven't really updated and there was so much going on in the past three weeks. All you need to know is briefly: Golda and I are still friends, just more distant in terms of my boundaries cuz I can't trust her with any personal information anymore... Chris and I are friends but we are hoping to date again in the future if it's God's plan and timing... School ended and I think I did well on my last essay, hopefully... I am trying to be healthier now, still kind of unmotivated sometimes and sleeping too much but overall healthier mentally and physically.
Over the past four months at Golda's house, I guess I did a lot of negative learning. What I mean by negative learning is that I had to learn things the hard way. I saw how Golda treated me and I had to learn to set boundaries so I wouldn't be abused, and I saw how Golda treated her parents and I felt sorry for the way I treated my parents. Seeing my counselor every week helped and in the end, Golda only changed for the better a little bit, spiritually, but she is still not mentally well and it should not be my responsibility, she should take charge and really seek a professional counselor.
Speaking of my counselor, Karen, she has taught me so much. I am still working on it but I have become more assertive, much less suicidal, more confident, and overall more stable because of her. I learned to grieve out and talk out all my feelings, and to the right people. I learned to take care of myself better (but still learning to love myself, it's hard).
Why do I find it hard to love myself? I guess I grew up with the wrong idea that I had to put everybody else first. I thought it was most important to make others happy, but then again I did it so selflessly that I ended up being so sad myself, using all my time to serve others and no time to do things I liked.
Soon enough, my life revolved around other people. I wouldn't have a reason to live if it weren't for making others happy or helping people find God. But that is wrong, because even if I was paralyzed and couldn't talk, God still loves me and I can live on because God loves me. However, even though I knew that as a concept, practically I thought I was useless unless I do something productive with my life, leading me to being workaholic.
Being workaholic goes hand in hand with burnout and later on trying to avoid work. So in the end, if God is not my motivator and if I do not dwell in God's love and truth, I will have a warped view of my life and live for the wrong reasons and become emotionally unwell.
I saw this on facebook today and just wanted to share:
Attacks from the enemy reveals that he fully believes you are capable of obtaining your goal. They would not waste their ammunition, time, finances and effort if they thought your dreams or goals were impossible. "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" (phil 4:13). Angels are continuously ready to minister to you at the conclusion of a crisis. so don't give up! If your enemy believes in your future, so should you!!
This quote applies to me because this week, especially today, I felt the enemy attacking in different ways. But God is good, He pulled me back up and helped me have motivation to rise again from the darkness. :)
I'll leave it there for now. Thanks for reading. :) and for all your support.
I haven't really updated and there was so much going on in the past three weeks. All you need to know is briefly: Golda and I are still friends, just more distant in terms of my boundaries cuz I can't trust her with any personal information anymore... Chris and I are friends but we are hoping to date again in the future if it's God's plan and timing... School ended and I think I did well on my last essay, hopefully... I am trying to be healthier now, still kind of unmotivated sometimes and sleeping too much but overall healthier mentally and physically.
Over the past four months at Golda's house, I guess I did a lot of negative learning. What I mean by negative learning is that I had to learn things the hard way. I saw how Golda treated me and I had to learn to set boundaries so I wouldn't be abused, and I saw how Golda treated her parents and I felt sorry for the way I treated my parents. Seeing my counselor every week helped and in the end, Golda only changed for the better a little bit, spiritually, but she is still not mentally well and it should not be my responsibility, she should take charge and really seek a professional counselor.
Speaking of my counselor, Karen, she has taught me so much. I am still working on it but I have become more assertive, much less suicidal, more confident, and overall more stable because of her. I learned to grieve out and talk out all my feelings, and to the right people. I learned to take care of myself better (but still learning to love myself, it's hard).
Why do I find it hard to love myself? I guess I grew up with the wrong idea that I had to put everybody else first. I thought it was most important to make others happy, but then again I did it so selflessly that I ended up being so sad myself, using all my time to serve others and no time to do things I liked.
Soon enough, my life revolved around other people. I wouldn't have a reason to live if it weren't for making others happy or helping people find God. But that is wrong, because even if I was paralyzed and couldn't talk, God still loves me and I can live on because God loves me. However, even though I knew that as a concept, practically I thought I was useless unless I do something productive with my life, leading me to being workaholic.
Being workaholic goes hand in hand with burnout and later on trying to avoid work. So in the end, if God is not my motivator and if I do not dwell in God's love and truth, I will have a warped view of my life and live for the wrong reasons and become emotionally unwell.
I saw this on facebook today and just wanted to share:
Attacks from the enemy reveals that he fully believes you are capable of obtaining your goal. They would not waste their ammunition, time, finances and effort if they thought your dreams or goals were impossible. "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" (phil 4:13). Angels are continuously ready to minister to you at the conclusion of a crisis. so don't give up! If your enemy believes in your future, so should you!!
This quote applies to me because this week, especially today, I felt the enemy attacking in different ways. But God is good, He pulled me back up and helped me have motivation to rise again from the darkness. :)
I'll leave it there for now. Thanks for reading. :) and for all your support.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Hey everyone, check my Facebook
Hey everyone, lately I've been really busy with both drama and life, or a combination of the two. I need to take a breather and I might not blog all the time. However, all you need to know is, for now, I moved back to my parents' house. I am back in my old bedroom. Life is all good and I hope you can stay updated with my inspiring facebook posts cuz I usually post more updates there for more people to see.
But as for you , my closest friends, you know that I was going through an abusive relationship with Golda. You know I was suffering to try to help her recover. It was time for me to leave. I'll talk with you more really soon about what God revealed to me over the past weekend of Easter. The past weekend of Resurrection Day to be more exact.
Thanks for reading. I will be thinking of you guys, my closest friends. God bless you.
But as for you , my closest friends, you know that I was going through an abusive relationship with Golda. You know I was suffering to try to help her recover. It was time for me to leave. I'll talk with you more really soon about what God revealed to me over the past weekend of Easter. The past weekend of Resurrection Day to be more exact.
Thanks for reading. I will be thinking of you guys, my closest friends. God bless you.
Friday, April 18, 2014
God's will be done
(posted on facebook)
The only good thing about good Friday is that God showed us today roughly 2000 years ago that He loved us by abandoning his only son Jesus on the cross. It was so that Jesus could save us from our sins that were destroying us. Jesus is my Lord, my friend, my Savior, my God. He is love and my reason to live. May God bless you with His love.
Jesus died Good Friday but rose from the dead on Easter Sunday. He did it to give us new life seriously, \\
Satan is trying to annoy everybody today and every day leading up to this week Jesus is all about relationships. I mean, I cried on the subway, but thank God two stranger ladies comforted me. I got triggered during the sermon, realizing that my sister and I used to have a better relationship when we were kids. I also had someone tell me they had problems with their family, and plus my grandpa fell down and cut himself on something at the seniors' home. Satan was trying to annoy people but God was more powerful than that.
Same thing with the cross. The cross was a shameful way to die. Satan thought he was going to win, but Jesus decided to win over everything by raising himself from the dead on Sunday morning.
Christos said: also whats good is that every good friday since then many families through the ages have made great memories and used it as a excuse to participate in family
After all, Christianity is not a religion of rules and only about obedience. It is most about relationships. Relationships between us and God , and relationships between us and other souls.
God wants a relationship with you. He wants to fill your needs and desires in a way that no human being ever can. God wants to help you in every way. Will you let Him? Will you put down your own thoughts and knowledge and ask God you want to KNOW HIM? Because He LOVES you. He created you for God's sake and He wants to restore and heal your wounds.
I realized why I want a tattoo. Its a way of trying to heal myself. It's a way of trying to remind myself of God's love. When I look at the cross and in Jesus' lovely face, I don't even feel the need to get a tattoo anymore. Not just because the church board wants me to hide my tattoos and thinks tattoos are sinful. But because the cross saved me. Jesus saved me. I am healed in Jesus' name.
Jesus died Good Friday but rose from the dead on Easter Sunday. He did it to give us new life seriously, \\
Satan is trying to annoy everybody today and every day leading up to this week Jesus is all about relationships. I mean, I cried on the subway, but thank God two stranger ladies comforted me. I got triggered during the sermon, realizing that my sister and I used to have a better relationship when we were kids. I also had someone tell me they had problems with their family, and plus my grandpa fell down and cut himself on something at the seniors' home. Satan was trying to annoy people but God was more powerful than that.
Same thing with the cross. The cross was a shameful way to die. Satan thought he was going to win, but Jesus decided to win over everything by raising himself from the dead on Sunday morning.
Christos said: also whats good is that every good friday since then many families through the ages have made great memories and used it as a excuse to participate in family
After all, Christianity is not a religion of rules and only about obedience. It is most about relationships. Relationships between us and God , and relationships between us and other souls.
God wants a relationship with you. He wants to fill your needs and desires in a way that no human being ever can. God wants to help you in every way. Will you let Him? Will you put down your own thoughts and knowledge and ask God you want to KNOW HIM? Because He LOVES you. He created you for God's sake and He wants to restore and heal your wounds.
I realized why I want a tattoo. Its a way of trying to heal myself. It's a way of trying to remind myself of God's love. When I look at the cross and in Jesus' lovely face, I don't even feel the need to get a tattoo anymore. Not just because the church board wants me to hide my tattoos and thinks tattoos are sinful. But because the cross saved me. Jesus saved me. I am healed in Jesus' name.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
8th anniversary of my bipolar
(posted on my facebook)
Today marks the 8th anniversary of me staying at the hospital for my bipolar disorder. To be honest, it was really around this date. I remember it was before my birthday (April 22nd), and one of my last days at the hospital, was on Easter Sunday.
Just as Jesus rose from the dead and became alive again on Easter Sunday, when I was in the hospital in 2006, God finally gave me a good night and day's rest on Easter Sunday that year, in the hospital. Because all the nights before Easter Sunday while my bipolar disorder was happening, I was in a manic state and was too anxious to sleep for days and even weeks on end.
Right now, as Easter Sunday is approaching, I know I will never be healed from bipolar disorder until I get to heaven, but because He (Jesus) lives, I can live too. Bipolar disorder is my gift of a handicap. I became more compassionate and learned much more about myself and life because of this handicap gift.
And for the 8th anniversary of my bipolar disorder starting, just as 8 is a lucky number in the chinese tradition, I am lucky to be alive and doing much better than before. I am starting to heal, after realizing what happened with my past trauma and hurts. I wish all of you a great healing process too, as everyone is hurt by something in life...
And for the first time in my life, I am going to become a motivational speaker at Stephen Leacock C.I. (high school) to a bunch of girls in the girls after school program, promoting mental health awareness. I wasn't ready before but now I am, it's a dream come true. ON MY BIRTHDAY (april 22nd), the day I thought would never come when I was still at the hospital in 2006, waiting to get out... eventually I got out a few days before my birthday and was home with friends and family. It's as if my birthday wish when i blew out the candle back in 2006 is coming true NEXT TUES on my BIRTHDAY.
Thanks for reading my sharing. May God bless everyone this Easter... there are way too many coincidences for there NOT to be a God.
Today marks the 8th anniversary of me staying at the hospital for my bipolar disorder. To be honest, it was really around this date. I remember it was before my birthday (April 22nd), and one of my last days at the hospital, was on Easter Sunday.
Just as Jesus rose from the dead and became alive again on Easter Sunday, when I was in the hospital in 2006, God finally gave me a good night and day's rest on Easter Sunday that year, in the hospital. Because all the nights before Easter Sunday while my bipolar disorder was happening, I was in a manic state and was too anxious to sleep for days and even weeks on end.
Right now, as Easter Sunday is approaching, I know I will never be healed from bipolar disorder until I get to heaven, but because He (Jesus) lives, I can live too. Bipolar disorder is my gift of a handicap. I became more compassionate and learned much more about myself and life because of this handicap gift.
And for the 8th anniversary of my bipolar disorder starting, just as 8 is a lucky number in the chinese tradition, I am lucky to be alive and doing much better than before. I am starting to heal, after realizing what happened with my past trauma and hurts. I wish all of you a great healing process too, as everyone is hurt by something in life...
And for the first time in my life, I am going to become a motivational speaker at Stephen Leacock C.I. (high school) to a bunch of girls in the girls after school program, promoting mental health awareness. I wasn't ready before but now I am, it's a dream come true. ON MY BIRTHDAY (april 22nd), the day I thought would never come when I was still at the hospital in 2006, waiting to get out... eventually I got out a few days before my birthday and was home with friends and family. It's as if my birthday wish when i blew out the candle back in 2006 is coming true NEXT TUES on my BIRTHDAY.
Thanks for reading my sharing. May God bless everyone this Easter... there are way too many coincidences for there NOT to be a God.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Ecclesiastes poem (from the Bible)
A Time for Everything
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
----------------------------------------------------
OMYGOODNESSSSSSSSSS GUYS AND GALS...
I was SO wrong about Chris... while during our break, he actually prayed to God for a sign, whether or not he should choose Christianity. And just 5 minutes later in Korea town, a Korean Christian came up to him to talk about Jesus. They ended up talking for 1 hour! And Chris accepted Christianity for himself! WOW~! THANK GOD!
Chris wrote back to me, hurt by my words and actions, but willing to still be with me in the long run. He believes Satan was trying to make me give up on the relationship. I mean, so many well-meaning Christians were telling me that I should break up with him. And I myself thought I was doing the right thing to break up with him. Turns out we should not break up, but just take a break!
I need to be patient as we are on this break, because both me and Chris can use this in between time to seek after God and grow more. I need to hold my tongue and stop being so quick to jump to conclusions.
I need to be patient as we are on this break, because both me and Chris can use this in between time to seek after God and grow more. I need to hold my tongue and stop being so quick to jump to conclusions.
Chris feels that the fact that he is my 8th boyfriend and we were together on the 8th anniversary of my bipolar disorder onset, and the fact that in Chinese 8 is a lucky number too, maybe this is also a sign from God that were were meant to be together.
In my opinion I don't care about the number but I am starting to think I should rewatch the movie The Adjustment Bureau. Because I am taking people's words way too seriously. I thought I was doing the right Christian thing by breaking up with Chris, when in fact there is such a thing called a grey area and such a thing called interaction between human choice and God's plan. God can work with your choices, not dictate everything you do.
In my opinion I don't care about the number but I am starting to think I should rewatch the movie The Adjustment Bureau. Because I am taking people's words way too seriously. I thought I was doing the right Christian thing by breaking up with Chris, when in fact there is such a thing called a grey area and such a thing called interaction between human choice and God's plan. God can work with your choices, not dictate everything you do.
The movie Adjustment Bureau showed this lesson.
PLUS... the end scene of The Adjustment Bureau was filmed on Rockefeller Tower, one of the destinations that me and Chris went to in New York. Connecting the dots here? Signs from God!
The Bible does NOT say "See it, then believe it." The Bible says "Believe it, then you will see it." I have believed in my relationship with Chris but others did not. When I was with him, I felt that God gave me many signs that I should be with him, that he was meant to follow me to Montreal... many signs such as the fact that Boston Pizza when we went there happened to have a Montreal boxer on TV that won, such as the fact that I saw many Quebec license plates of other cars while I was in Chris's car...
Most coincidentally of all, on the boat ride in New York, me and Chris were surrounded by a tour group of people from Quebec. I could hear their accent. What are the chances that the one night that me and Chris went on the boat ride, the boat would be filled with Quebecers?
You believe what you want to believe, and you will see what you want to see, but at the end of the day, there are too many coincidences for there not to be a God. God is the God of so called coincidences... or rather, signs and miracles.
You believe what you want to believe, and you will see what you want to see, but at the end of the day, there are too many coincidences for there not to be a God. God is the God of so called coincidences... or rather, signs and miracles.
I believe it was a miracle that God answered Chris's prayer and he ended up talking to the Korean missionary. I believe it was a blessing for me to know Chris, and the New York trip being a healing trip for me where I regained a lot of lost memories that were erased by my bipolar disorder. I felt that the first time around, God wanted me in New York to show me many things, but 2 weeks ago, God cancelled my plane flight because He wanted to show CHRIS many things.
It will all work out! Just like the Bible verse Romans 8:28... "In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to His purpose".
I'm so happy today! I didn't even sleep yesterday and I'm still so energetic! I know God is working in my life! YAYYYYYY Praise God!
Monday, April 14, 2014
Finally crying about it
It finally hit me today. My heart is wounded. I miss him and wish it could have worked out. He was so good to me. I questioned myself whether I am selfish to leave him. But Christina and Golda told me I wasn't selfish. It would have been selfish of me to hold on if I didn't see a future with him. I never knew this would happen.
I can't even figure out what to type anymore. I still love him. Goodbye, Chris.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)