Broke up... but not officially? I don't know...

Last night I broke up with Chris.  At least I thought I did.   What I mean is, I wrote him a really long letter to break up, but I'm not sure if he even read it yet.  In my mind, we are broken up but he might still think there is a chance to change my mind when he comes back to Toronto and wants to meet up.

This past week I have been back and forth deciding whether or not to break up with him.  Monday and Tuesday I felt I should give him another chance and date him and help him grow, see if he can "catch up" to me spiritually, but later on in the week I was reminded that this would be expecting too much out of him and it would put pressure on him as well as make me not satisfied with his "slowness" of learning to grow closer to God.

All in all, I am better matched with someone who is already devoted to God, as I am a pastor and need someone to connect with spiritually.  I was never able to connect with Chris spiritually much.  Amazingly though when I said I wanted to break up he actually prayed out loud for the first time.

I still have feelings for him and want him back in my life in the future.  But for now, I felt that his spiritual health and God's will was more important than my selfish desires to keep this relationship.  Chris would grow better on his own without me in the mix, as I should not be his motivator but God should be.

I'm not even sad right now, I feel pretty happy and peaceful actually.  I'm just very concerned about Chris.  He sent me a message at 4am saying he didn't read my email but that he thought Satan got to me.  He seems to think Satan wants us to break up whereas I think God wants us to break up.

Guido his best friend said he was very down yesterday afternoon.  I thought that meant that he read the email but apparently not unless he was drunk at 4am.  I am also concerned how much Guido was able to support Chris because Guido drinks a lot.

I still care about Chris and if I were to see him it would be hard to hold back from holding on to him or hugging him tightly.  But I need to stand firm on my decision because that is what will be for the best.  After all, I am happy being single right now, even seeing a lot of couples at church doesn't phase me anymore.

Karl says he hopes Chris won't turn away from Christianity because of the breakup.  I pray that God will keep him steadfast and on his journey of faith .  I know it will take a lot of time and space to heal Chris's heart especially because I was his first real girlfriend and according to him, the only girl he ever loved and saw a future with.

I doubted enough in the past.  This time I'm sure I made the right decision.  God showed me way too many signs.  I'll explain it all to Chris when I see him I guess.

Learning about myself

Dear God,

Starting last Friday, I started missing Chris really badly.  It got worse and worse, and worst thing is, I lost focus off of You.  It started with me seeing couples together, both at the youth group and at Jen's birthday.  I started feeling like there was something I was missing.

The myth is that I need a guy to be happy.  It's a myth I believed most of my teenage and young adult life.  Today was the worst so far in terms of missing Chris because I started feeling like crying and wanting him back in my life right away.  I even asked him if I could talk to him today and yesterday I told him I wanted to get back with him.

My counselor had said, seek after God and wait for God's answer.  However, I did exactly the opposite.  I wasted time just lying around in bed wanting to forget everything and wanting to just feel peaceful and rested.  I didn't spend time in Your Word and I didn't pray much in a way that was centered upon God.  I let the issue of Chris and I's relationship get in between me and You.

But thank You Lord that Chris refused to speak to me today, which made me end up going online to look up Christian advice on dating and that helped me get back to focusing on You.  Lord, I am sorry for my sin and sorry for missing out on You during this time of missing Chris.  I guess I took my focus off of You and didn't follow my own advice of waiting for You and spending time with You.

God, I know You have the best plan for me and whether or not it includes Chris in my life, I will choose to trust You.  Please teach me to be more patient, because that is what You are.  Please teach me to love You first.  I mean, even Chris is seeking after You during this time, so I should too.  How can I be a godly wife if I don't even focus on You during this time of break between me and Chris?

Selena helped me figure out pros and cons of my relationship with Chris, but the most meaningful thing she said was Trust in God's will.  Only time will tell what Your will is, but I do want to follow Your will, Lord.  May your will be done.

Thanks for pointing me back to You, God.  Please help me to stop being a hypocrite and really follow my own advice, to wait for Your answer, to wait upon You and focus on You, to spend time in Your Word.

So much happened... and will happen

Hello dear blog reader friends,

It's a long story, and it's hard for me to share because maybe you won't believe me and think I'm crazy.  But this past Monday I was supposed to get on a plane to New York to spend time with Chris from Monday night to Friday (tomorrow) afternoon.  However, a series of messages from God convinced me that I should not go.  It wasn't just that two of my close friends warned me that going to New York was a bad idea.  I also had a little voice in my heart that said "Martine, please don't go" repeatedly, and also the flight got cancelled ten minutes before my taxi for the airport was supposed to come.  There were too many signs leading me to believe that I shouldn't go.

I skyped Chris after the flight got cancelled and explained why I think God is trying to speak to me, and why I wouldn't want to wait until the next flight.  I didn't want to be like Jonah in the Bible, disobeying God and getting swallowed by a whale (in my case, obviously I wouldn't be swallowed by a whale but I would be probably stuck at the airport or get into some kind of bad accident).  God only does things for our good.  I know I wasn't happy with Chris, looking back, I wasn't satisfied with the relationship.

After I told Chris I wasn't going, I told him we should take a one week break of silence, pray more, and ask God whether this relationship should continue.  He messaged me the next day saying he realized he was wrong about the homeless man and wrong about thinking I went out on a date with Brian Mak.  He is now willing to seek God, go to church more, read the Bible, grow, and get involved in the church.

I replied saying he shouldn't do it for my sake but for his own sake, and that after that message I need a one week break of silence.

This week of silence has been the best week ever. I think of Chris often but I feel happy without him.  I feel free, I feel I did the right thing. I feel very peaceful after cancelling the trip to New York.  I am more focused on God and my work.  I am happy that this drastic thing also drove Chris to focus on God more.  It's for his own good.

Of course, I don't know what will happen after I tell him next monday that my final decision is to break up.  I plan to talk to him about options of what we can do to stay acquaintances, still go to the same church, and my decision is to stay single and have another discussion with him on Dec. 1st after he has had 8 months to focus on God and see whether we should get back together.

That is what I think so far.  I am feeling absolutely fine right now, not faking it, not trying to mask anything, not trying to suppress anything.  I am truly happy.  And I have found myself again.

Someone worth dying for

I don't know anymore (written last Sunday, too scared to post it until now)

Dear God,

I need to say it out.  Chris and Golda do not have access to this blog, so there will be no drama caused by what I say.  Surprisingly, they are the closest people to me, yet I don't trust them with this blog.  I don't trust them with what I'm about to say.

Golda says looking back, she regrets pressuring Chris to ask me out back in late November.  She regrets it because she saw the pain I was in from all the fights me and Chris had.  Lately me and Chris are better, but the issues are still underneath in my mind.  I told him we need to see the counselor together in May.  That's how serious I am about determining whether he is right for me.

Chris supports me in many ways, but he cannot support me by helping me grow spiritually.  And as we all know, God is the biggest part of my life.  Jesus and church is basically my life.  Yes, Chris is willing to come to church. He is willing to follow God's ways.  But today's conversation with Gideon and a text from Andrew made me think twice...

Today I went to Hallelujah church in the morning because a guy there named Gideon offered to fix my computer.  He brought me out to lunch and was even willing to pay for the lunch if I didn't have cash.  Not only that, but we had a very engaging conversation.  We talked mostly about God and church and how to help people.  I really enjoyed the conversation.  To be honest, me and Chris never ever talked about these types of things.  I felt like I enjoyed my talk with Gideon more than all the talks I had with Chris combined.

I don't have feelings for Gideon.  But seeing him give a crying girl a hug and care so much for others, it makes me think and compare... I know I shouldn't be comparing but I can't help it.  Gideon is the type of person who can give a spiritual girl what she needs... spiritual support.  Chris is not as "far along" in the journey of faith as Gideon is.  I know I should be patient, but... I have my doubts.

Is Chris even going to like Montreal?  Is he even going to like being a pastor's husband?  He doesn't know what he is even getting himself into... why am I going so fast into the relationship, already thinking about what we will name our kids?  Am I wasting my time?

Andrew who is very spiritual as well, disagrees with my relationship with Chris. Golda is right.  If our relationship was strong, no one could get between us.  But something Andrew said seemed right.  He said, if someone is only exploring Christianity, or in the beginning stages, they are not right to marry a pastor.

Look at one of my friends... recently she fell into sin because the guy didn't protect her purity.  I know I am at fault when I get tempted sexually... Chris never led me into sin... but indirectly he is so passive that he didn't stop me either.  I don't know if I can share with anyone what I'm feeling now except for You, God.

God, please help me find the right one.  God, may your will be done.  Please help Chris recover if I'm not supposed to marry him and if we end up separating.  Most of all, please help him to get better spiritually and grow to love you more.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Finding myself again

Dear All,

I'm sorry I didn't update in so long.  Truth is, I lost myself over the past months.  I got too caught up trying to help people and lost myself.  Let me explain my thoughts, because today I finally realized everything and started to care about myself again.

I was wondering why I was so lazy the past few days.  I was so lazy that I left my church work to the last minute, spent hours on Youtube browsing instead of doing my homework (got a zero for not doing it on time), and just didn't have any inspiration for anything.

Then today after talking to the counselor I took a lot of time to think about my life and as I realized more and more about myself I cried more and more.  Not tears of depression, but tears of finally "getting it".  Tears of realization and feeling touched by what I learned about myself.

Most of my life many people kept on telling me, "don't overload yourself", "take time to be by yourself and relax", "love yourself".  But I never admitted that I had a problem.  I thought I was OK.  I didn't realize that my identity was revolving around other people.  I felt the way I could be happy was to either make everyone else happy, and my worth would be found in being there for everybody and being the best leader and best friend possible.

I put so much pressure on myself that I started seeing my friends less and less unless they had a problem that they wanted me to listen to.  I started putting pressure on myself to be a great leader, working away for the church, and being strong or appearing strong so that I wouldn't let anyone down.

Don't get me wrong, I was not trying to help others just to feel good about myself.  I truly had compassion for others and I wanted to see them grow.  But I neglected myself and didn't care for my own happiness.  I felt others were more important than me, that I had to be the strong one.

Drowning myself in work, I didn't spend enough time grieving over my four friends who died, I didn't see the counselor for 4 months straight, and I stopped hanging out with Aaron and his friends from church.  Little did I know that I was neglecting myself from happiness.

I found my happiness in work only.  Unfortunately.  And when work became stressful and drama and problems started happening in my life, I clung onto Chris and Golda.  I neglected to turn to my other friends, and when Golda and Chris became triggers because I would have issues with them, I broke down.

Then I only had the counselor to cling onto for help.  I felt alone.  However, slowly I started getting help, not just from the counselor but from Nadia and Pastor Victor and Pastor Wang.  I slowly started to open up about my problems again and work through my own issues.

Today I cried a lot because I realized I missed being with Aaron and the church friends at Aaron's house.  Those were the happiest times of my life because this group of friends really showed God's love to me in a way that is so special.  This group would accept you as you are, appreciate you, selflessly give their time and money to help you, a true family.  They would have fun without alcohol ( I was never that big on alcohol anyway ), and have the most laughs like for example at the Christmas and birthday parties.

Don't get me wrong, I have good friends who are not Christian too.  I don't judge if you drink alcohol or whatever.  I appreciate my non Christian friends too.  But what I mean is that my life's happiest moments were at Aaron's house.  And I missed those times deeply today.  These are the friends who didn't give me drama, and if drama happened to me, they would support and pray for me.  They would check up on me once in a while, and they bore with me when I went wild with my so many romantic relationships.

I realized I went wild and dated Christos because I was overworked and wanted to feel wild and free from work.  Christos gave me temporary happiness and support so I clung onto him.  I clung onto the wrong thing.  I went insane from overworking myself basically.

I stopped doing things I enjoyed, such as dancing and singing.  I stopped caring about myself, eating poorly and not even writing much in my blog anymore.  Chris tried to encourage me to care for myself and all that, but I was drowning in drama and my own problems.

I basically sacrificed myself to help people , especially helping Golda.  But in two months time, I am going to move out of Golda's place and move to Aaron's basement.  I think I will become much happier there.  I'll have room to self reflect and care for myself again.  I won't have to worry about making Golda happy or fear of triggering her.  She is doing much better now anyway and it's not fair that I am doing worse.

My brain hurts from remembering all those good memories at Aaron's parties and crying because I missed those friends so much.  These are the friends that I actually really want to introduce to other friends and to Chris, because they are so caring.

I had a good phone chat with Jen today.  She was really happy for me that I finally realized all these things and she says this just means I will move forward from here.  She encouraged me to write the thoughts down so here I am writing. 

Golda knows I'm going to move out and thank God she was understanding.  She knows that this was only a step in my journey and I'll grow more when I'm away from her house, because my "mission" at her house was pretty much accomplished since she is feeling better now anyways.

I'm thankful for Chris who has been supporting me through this too.  Even though he is overworked in New York, he always makes time to talk to me on Skype.

I'm finding myself again.  Finally.  Today I hugged myself and cried.  Finally I learn to love myself again.  My worth is not found in others.  I am loved and cared for.  Today I sang and I went to the gym dance class. It's a start.