Interesting video my friend sent me when i said i might join eHarmony

Car Crash

Thank God we're ok.  Yesterday at around 7pm we were heading north and going through a yellow light when two cars tried to turn left ahead of us.  I told Sanche the driver, watch out, watch out. and he slowed down and let the first car turn but then the second car tried to turn too and it crashed into us.  The air bags came out and the windshield was broken but thank God we are all ok.  I just am sore all over and my face's skin is weird because it went into the air bag.  Thank God we're alive.  The tow trucks came pretty fast and the police did too.  Tomorrow the three of us (Sanche, me, Josh B) are going to the doctor.  Sanche said he doesn't hurt anywhere but Josh said his head hurts so please pray for him.

I guess God really does want me to go to Montreal and to Urbana, otherwise I might be in heaven right now.  You really don't value life and your friends and family until you get a near death experience.  Right now I'm just not tired so that's why I'm online.  Thanks for praying and love you all!

My life in point form

Too much stuff to update you on, so I'll do it in point form:

-cut up Tommy's Christmas gift, my way of letting go of my feelings for him, Jen was there
-Jean Renel definitely has feelings for me, trying to distance myself from him but he doesn't want that
-crazy busy week, my essay is screwed, must need miracle to finish it well
-I'm going to be MC for a press conference on Friday morning and I'm not ready
-lots of children's programs to plan
-kids probably think I'm boring
-lack of motivation last week, very bad, didn't want to do anything, including reading the Bible (bad sign!)
-getting a bit better this week

Trying to convince myself he was never the one

I need to get closure, because either hoping that one day we'll get back together or trying to replace him with quick fixes isn't working.  I went to the counselor for the first time in a long time yesterday.  She suggested I need to prepare myself for seeing him at Urbana.  Whatever his reaction is, I need to be prepared emotionally.  I am really emotional so I was thinking today I need to write out some facts to help me get closure:

1) Tommy said God told him our relationship was impossible.
2) There was the language and cultural barrier.
3) He will most likely go to Africa.
4) He didn't really love me for the right reasons
5) He couldn't accept my family
6) He doesn't have all the qualities that I originally looked for.  Wouldn't God give me the best?
7) He thinks that bipolar people will leave their spouses.
8) He wasn't really romantic, didn't reply to my cards
9) When he gets mad he gets harsh and cynical or sarcastic

I guess he wasn't the one after all.

beautiful song

Take it one step at a time

Yesterday while waiting for Rita at the mall, I saw a Salvation Army band play Christmas carols.  It was so good, I wanted to cry.  I started missing Tommy and I lost my appetite especially because the food court was so small and I had eaten an egg tart at Michelle's house (tutoring).  I started crying over Tommy again until Rita found me, and she talked with me and took me home soon after our talk because I looked exhausted from a week of irregular sleeping.

I know right now I should stay single and be open to whatever God brings me.  I need to live my life, try to be happy and just do what I gotta do each day.  God closed the door to Tommy, maybe He will open a window.  Right now, as Tommy says, things are "complicated".  I'm preparing myself to move out in Sept of next year, I'm learning to love myself, and in the meantime even though me and Tommy still love each other, he might go to Africa and my parents might still want that police check if I were to date him.

Long distance relationships are like a guessing game.  You never know really what the other person is doing and you guess what they are trying to say over text or email.  Skype is also not that reliable and it makes you look at a screen, not a person. You don't get to hang out.

So maybe, if God brings me and Tommy back together in the future, then it will no longer be a long distance relationship.  We will have to see what happens.  Tommy knows I still love him.  Today I was happy to talk to him on facebook.  It was the first real conversation we had.  I prefer facebook chat over text actually. Text is the worst.

I'm done crying now. I have way too much work to do to worry about Tommy.  The essay that is due in less than two weeks is not even started.  Better start now...