This Bible passage really helps me right now

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What does the worker gain from his toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on men. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. ¹³ That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

----

Dear God,

Although my life right now is not tragic or in crisis, there is still a lot of mess going on. My self-esteem is kind of shot, and there are issues going on that I don't know how to solve, or that I cannot handle on my own. There is also a lot of work to do.

I'm sorry that I've been neglecting reading the Bible regularly. I guess part of me is lazy and part of me just doesn't feel like it. But I know I should. I will get back on it tonight.

Saying goodbye to Andrew is not easy. I try to see it as if it is, but it's not. And the whole situation with my sister dating my friend doesn't help.

But I know there are bigger issues than this, and I need to get out of this rut and move on. Being a pastor is like this I guess, you get to see many issues going on around you and you try to be there for everyone but ultimately it all comes back down to trusting You God for the solution. And sometimes you gotta deny yourself and just carry the cross.

I can't just be selfish and dwell in my own self-pity, I gotta look up and move on and stop wasting time thinking about things that don't really matter in the long run. Who cares if I don't marry Andrew? Is it like a matter of life and death? Is it gonna be detrimental to anybody? No. I'm not saying I should ignore my feelings but at the same time I cannot dwell on it because that's no help either.

I should just acknowledge that my feelings exist, then give it up to You God because there's nothing else I can do about it.

Hopeful

Hey everyone,

Sorry if I worried you in any way over the past week. I was going through a rough time and thoughts might have been very confusing. But thank God now I'm doing a lot better, and I am very hopeful for the future.

I have come to accept that if Andrew is just a friend, it's going to be more than just fine. He is a great friend and I can learn a lot from him. At the same time, part of me still wishes I could be with him in the future, but I have also come to accept that maybe there is a "Matthew" out there I should be looking out for. Someone who perhaps takes more initiative and loves me back.

Anyways, it's getting late and tomorrow I am doing some volunteering. So I'll talk to you later.

Thanks for being such great friends, and God bless.

Martine

A beautiful song about God's love

What does love look like? is the question Ive been pondering
What does love look like?
What does love look like? is the question Ive been asking of You
Once believed that love was romance, just a chance
I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful
I once believed that love was a momentary bliss, but love is more than this
All You ever wanted was my attention
All You ever wanted was love from me
All You ever wanted was my affections to sit here at Your feet and tell me
What does love look like? is the question Ive been pondering
What does love look like? If all of life comes down to love then tell me
What does love look like? is the question Ive been pondering
What does love look like?

Then I sat down a little frustrated and confused
Your fire of life comes down to love. And love has to be more than sentiment,
More than selfishness and selfish gain

Then I saw Him there
Hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there
Hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes
And I began to weep and weep

He had arms wide open, heart exposed
Arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding.
Arms wide open, heart exposed
Arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding
Loves definition
Loves definition, was looking at me
Looking at Him. Hanging on a tree
I began to weep and weep and weep and weep
This is how I know what love is.

And as I sat there, weeping, crying, those beautiful eyes
Full of desire and love. And He said to me
You shall love Me..You shall love Me.
With arms wide open, heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding
You shall love Me.. You shall love Me..


If anybodys looking for love in all the wrong places
If youve been searching for love, come to Me. Come to me.
Take up your cross. Deny yourself.
Forget your fathers house and run. Run with Me.
Cause you were made for abandon your heart and listen
Cause you were made for Someone greater, Someone bigger, so follow Me.
And youll come alive when you learn to die.
And He said to me

You shall love Me. You shall love Me

With arms wide open, heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding
-----------------------

And here are some inspiring quotes that helped me today:

"I choose gentleness... Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself. "
— Max Lucado

"Feed your fears and your faith will starve. Feed your faith, and your fears will."
— Max Lucado (Fearless: Imagine Your Life Without Fear)

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her."
— Max Lucado

Goodbye Andrew

Just got off facebook chat with Andrew.

(after me talking about how I had a stressful day, and how part of the reason is not explainable because it's about HIM)

Me: I don't know if I should even be asking you this, but am I just another girl to you?
Andrew: What do you mean, just another girl, there are lots of girls in this world, lol
Me: Yeah. I'm nothing special right? I'm just another girl. There are lots of girls in this world. There might be other girls who like you. So I'm just another girl, I'm nothing special.
Like I know God thinks I'm special. But I'm not sure if for you I'm anything special. If you don't see me as anything more than a friend, it's okay.

(long pause)

Andrew: well I don't think a friend is "just another girl". But yeah I don't see you as more than a friend at this moment. And I don't think any other girls like me right now.
Me: oh ok. well thanks for letting me know. I need to read the Bible right now. Good night (that's me trying to escape)
Andrew: hmm... ok. Good night.

-----------------------------------



Ok so this song is not exactly the situation, but I really like the lyrics and it's a nice song :P

What a stressful day.

Today was my last day of tutoring with Adelaide (gr. 10 French) at Notabilia. That was not the stressful part. The stressful part came after. SOMEBODY (not any of you reading this, don't worry) changed plans last minute and because of that, I got stressed out and even started crying. Usually I am quite patient with things like this but this time I broke.

I think that actually it wasn't the person's fault for making me cry. I was already subconsciously stressed out about the whole Andrew thing and also stressed out about what perspective I should take about the gift of healing (yesterday somebody else told me about how you can heal someone just by praying and lots of other stuff that totally mind-boggled me). I was also stressed out because my mom is treating me like a kid and giving me double standard in the way she allows my sister to do stuff but not me.

It's hard for me to tell you guys this over the phone because people are around and I don't want them to hear. That's why I just spill it out on this blog.

I've been going through a hard time today. It was supposed to be a fun day with Jenny and church friends but I ended up crying more than once today. Thank God Jenny didn't see... I was actually fine during the time that Jenny and I hung out. It was before the hangout and after the hangout that I was feeling down.

To top it all off, I was supposed to go to CNE with Arabic church tomorrow but all of them cancelled on me so I was left with two CNE tickets that I didn't know what to do with. But my mom says she'll go with me on Saturday. I hope it won't be stressful.

I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.

Those who plant in tears
will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
but they sing as they return with the harvest.

Psalm 126:5-6 (the Bible)

--
I just want to give up on Andrew. Enough waiting for him, why don't I wait upon God instead? God understands how I feel. Today as I was reading my devotion book on the bus, I felt God telling me that my heart needs to be renewed before I can start any romantic relationship. My heart needed healing after Adrian, and now that it has healed, the next step is a renewed heart that is passionate for God and is refreshed in the Spirit.

Thuy says that Andrew should at least tell me how he feels about me. I don't know how to ask him though, without sounding like I'm pressuring him. Aaron says I shouldn't ask, because we wouldn't want him to give an answer without it being led by God. I don't know what to think anymore. I just don't want to wait for him and cry every night because of this. The hard part is not the waiting. It's waiting while I observe my sister dating my friend. I feel like it's not fair, the double standard that my mom puts on us.

My sister is allowed to date while I am not, and my mom keeps reminding me of past stuff and reminding me of how I need to focus on school first. Well doesn't my sister also have school??? It makes me mad.

For all I know, I'm just another girl to Andrew. At least with God I know that He thinks I'm special and He cares about me uniquely. Andrew is just a clueless person who doesn't know what he's missing. Sorry, I'm just upset. If he doesn't want me, then too bad for him. It's his loss. I'm not gonna cry over him.

God, I'm Yours.

Perfect theme song about waiting for Andrew

I love how this song makes you wait a good long time during the intro before you hear the singing part of the song. Uncomfortable waiting isn't it? It's hard to wait. You just want to fast forward. But God wants us to learn patience and not rush things, especially love.

I love the lyrics of this song. Reflects pretty much everything I feel about Andrew. Yesterday night I was crying because the waiting was getting hard. I even texted Andrew (as well as a bunch of people from lifegroup) to get them to pray for me because it was getting hard. So Andrew knows that it's hard for me. Good thing he texted back. I'm always glad to hear from him.

I'll be waiting for you baby, till the time is right :) Love is waiting.

What encourages me is people like Caleb, who are also waiting (he likes a girl, not me, and he's waiting on it). And people like Nanette too, she's also waiting for the right one to come along and she prayed a prayer for me that is just perfect: Peace be with you.